At the time I am writing this, three of the biggest stars vying for the WWE title would be John Cena, Randy Orton, and Cody Rhodes. But would you believe that all three men were battling way back seventeen years ago? I mean, you should, because it’s WWE and a lot of times nothing changes, especially at the tippy top of the card. But on this night in 2008, the odds were truly stacked against Cena and Orton, as they were booked by Triple H (back then as character, not as the actual booker he is today) in a match against the entire Raw roster!
WOW! Look at how many guys there are! What on earth will our heroes be able to do against such a mass of talent? I mean, I see Umaga, Bob Holly, Val Venis, and Super Crazy just to name a few.
Looking closer I also spy with my little eye JBL, Carlito (before he was released the first time I guess), and a guy who may or may note be Ted DiBiase Jr. (before he got sent up the river). And wait…is that Hacksaw Jim Duggan? On Raw in 2008??? Holy crap, what an unbelievable murder’s row! I mean, it’s nowhere near the entire roster and all the biggest stars are nowhere to be found, but play along with me.
Now if you’re asking who might start off the match to really get the blood pumping in this match, I give you one Gene Snitsky. Yes kids, SNITSKY VS. JOHN CENA. That sounds like one of the worst possible matches imaginable. And sure enough, it is! We get punches and kicks and a BIG OL’ BODYSLAM.
Santino Marella, seeing an opportunity, tags himself in. He heads to the corner for a big diving salute head butt which misses by a country mile and is immediately pinned. Well, that was stupid but at least it was short. I guess that gives Cena and Orton the win.
Except…well…no. You see, they don’t have to pin just one dude – they have to pin ALL of them. Is this one of those never-ending three hour Raws or a six-hour one? Anyway, Trevor Murdoch comes in next, and is more or less immediately trapped in the STFU and taps out in lightning fashion.
Murdoch rolls out of the ring and another geek comes in, one who is such a geek that he isn’t even named before he gets RKO’ed and eliminated. I originally thought it was Ted Jr., but pretty sure now that was Lance Cade. Right? Cade and Murdoch? Anyone else remember them?
Rightly deciding the only thing that can stop the parade of finishers is the one guy on the other side of the ring who isn’t a total jobber, and that would be Umaga. That’s right kids – the top guys in this match are Orton, Cena, and a Samoan. The less things change the more they stay the same. (And please don’t leave in the comments that it should be the MORE things change the more they stay the same. I know what I wrote!)
We get JBL in next, because when you want to inject some honest to goodness excitement into a match, you naturally look to JBL. He takes down Orton with a side Russian leg sweep so horrible that somewhere even The Sandman is saying, “Dude, no.” Horrible!
We get HACKSAW in next and despite being approximately three billion years old, he unloads on Orton with some of the best punches you’ll ever see. He tags in Cody Rhodes who also lays in some lumber. You know, I never thought I’d be writing about a Cody Rhodes-Jim Duggan, but here we are. Like did you have any clue those two timelines would ever intersect? These are the things you learn right here at WrestleCrap.com!
Next in we get Paul Burchill. Oh man, THIS poor guy. So he was a pirate but Vince didn’t understand the gimmick because he’d never heard of The Pirates of the Caribbean.
So then, THEN, the pirate gimmick got dropped and he was put into what appeared to be an incestuous relationship with his ‘sister’, Katie Burchill. The guy wasn’t around but for a blink of an eye and got double dipped with all that! I’d like to think he ran for the hills and never looked at a wrestling ring again.
We then get the triple threat of Val Venis, Carlito, and Bob Holly! I would like to stop here for a moment and note that if I am making any of this sound even the least bit interesting, I am doing you, the reader, a terrible disservice. It’s actually quite bad.
Finally Cena makes a tag and does a top rope legdrop on one of the highlander guys. I think that’s what they were called. I do recall they were the guys that showed up on TNA TV while under contract to WWE and were immediately fired. Guessing they won’t be invited to the WWE Hall of Fame any time soon (unless maybe they need some extra ushers).
At this point, Cena and Orton just start pinning everyone in rapid fire fashion: Davey Boy Smith Jr. sent to the dog pound, Burchill sunk, Val Venis goes limp, and Cody gets a combo wackamaroo from the heroes. Ah better days were ahead for him.
You may be thinking that at this point, Orton and Cena would just lay out the rest of the crew in like 20 seconds, but instead the geek squad all runs in so the ref calls for the disqualification. It seems everyone in this match was either given a terrible gimmick, did something really dumb, was a complete geek, or have been on the top of the card for the last 50 years.
And then just for good measure, Hunter comes out and lays out both Cena and Orton with a pedigree. I mean, just so no one ever, ever forgets that he is truly above anyone else in the company. Then, Now, Forever, Indeed.