Jillian Hall – Mole Girl

You know, I don’t think I could have phrased that more poorly if I tried.

What I was trying to say is that since I loved Trish so much…well, since she left, Mondays just ain’t been the same. She was a great worker, but more than that, she brought a fun sexiness to the business that I really enjoyed. She was my all-time favorite woman in wrestling.

Key word there: “was.”

Patty, I hate to push you aside, but there’s a woman in WWE right now that has taken your crown – and my heart. In fact, I dare say that I look more forward to seeing her than ANYONE in WWE right now, male or female. It’s not that she’s hottest woman ever; both Trish and Sunny (my other long-time fave) would smoke her in the looks department. It’s not that she’s the greatest worker ever; in fact, some of her matches are, well, not so good.

No, I love my new squeeze because she does something that few folks in any company do these days: she makes wrestling fun.

And I’m talking about this woman:

I bet you have no idea who that is, do you? I’d ask you to guess, but since what you are reading are just white pixels on a black pixel background with no response capabilities, we’d both be waiting for a long time for you to answer and me to respond. So let me cut to the chase:

It’s Jillian Hall.

Yes, as in this Jillian Hall.

Now while I would usually mock someone for having QUITE that much work done, I can’t with Jillian. I can’t because I believe her heart is in the right place. From all accounts, she’s a girl who wanted to be a wrestler, wanted to work for WWE, and was willing to do pretty much anything to get there. When someone has that kind of passion, well…it’s hard for me to mock them.

That’s actually probably a lie, because I do it all the time. But I won’t this time because I think she’s awesome, so she gets a free pass from me. Besides, it’s very obvious that Jillian doesn’t take herself too seriously. And I am always huge fans of folks like that, especially when they are so dang entertaining.

And make no mistake about it – I love Jillian’s horrible singing schtick. Love it love it LOVE IT. It’s great because not only is it funny, but people look like they are ready to lynch her. It doesn’t matter who WWE would put in the ring against her – they’re going to be the babyface. Give Jillian a mic, let her croon a few bars, and you could have Hitler goose-step down to the ring and he’d be cheered.

When you think about it, having a character of being horrible at anything should be the death of any performer. Seriously, think of all the clumsy guys we’ve seen, the “losing streak” angles. They NEVER get over. I dare say that Miss Hall has bucked that trend, because she is insanely over.

At least with me.

What’s even more amazing? They stuck her with this persona after bringing her in with a gimmick that was so dumb, so one-dimensional that I’m shocked she didn’t run right back out the door. Because before she had a horrible voice, she was given the gimmick that she was horrifically deformed.

Well, actually, she just had a mole.

At least I THINK it was a mole.

People talked about how it was a mole. Announcers, wrestlers…they all called it a mole. Even Jillian herself gave a passionate speech about her “blemish” had “blemished her soul.” Was it a mole? A blemish? Looked like an obscene half-breed between a hamburger and an SOS pad to me.
	Of course, even Ray Charles could see where this whole bit came from: Goldmember, the third Austin Powers flick, which featured a running gag of a mole (secret agent who had infiltrated the enemy) who had a mole. You could mock WWE writers for stealing jokes from what was by far the worst film in that series, but I’m just glad they didn’t have a Fat Bastard character running around. (After all, Big Daddy V was right there on the roster.)
Jillian came in not as a competitor, but rather as a “fixer” for MNM. See, because she “fixed” things. What, precisely, she fixed was never determined. Maybe Nitro and Mercury needed some roofing done, who knows.
	She didn’t hang out long with MNM, though, as soon she had a bigger fish to fry in the form of JBL. Soon she was accompanying him everywhere. She was even given mic time, and it began to be very obvious that she could play the part of an annoying, screechy wench to the hilt. The glimpses of promise were there. If we could just somehow get that stupid mole off her face! Little did we know it, but Jillian’s entire life was about to change due to one man.
One Boogeyman! Ah, Boogeyman, how I miss thee. I miss the worms, I miss the missing teeth, I miss the clock smashing action and the stick and the wiggling and the dancing and gyrating. And boy oh boy do I miss all those horrible, HORRIBLE matches. Wrestling needs more Boogeymen.
	Boogey’s new life goal was simple: to torment Jillian at every turn. Soon he was throwing worms at her heaving chesticles and shoving them down her panties as well, which I can only conclude was his idea of foreplay. Maybe I should try that on Mrs. Deal sometime. Nah, probably better not.
The worst was yet to come for our fair-haired lass, though, as one night Boogey was able to corner her in the ring. He gazed into her eyes…
	…licked his chops…
…and then did a big dog lap right across her mole! AND IT TASTE GOOD!
	Soon enough, Boogey ripped the whatever it was right off her face, and devoured it. Seriously, he looked as happy as a three-year old gnawing on a chocolate rabbit on Easter morning.

And thankfully, that was the end of Jillian Hall, Mole Girl.

Even more thankfully, she would soon show up singing and dancin’ Britney-style.

So sorry, Trish. You know I love you and that you will forever hold a special place in my heart. But you’ve been supplanted…by the greatest thing since sliced bread.

The entire loaf, baby!

Jillian Hall: “My name is Jillian Hall. And I want to give you an idea of what it’s like to be me. I’ve carried a burden my entire life. Have you? I have a blemish on my face, and in turn, it’s blemished my soul. And yet I still carry myself with dignity, which is more than I can say for you people. If you had what I have, you’d be ashamed. But I’m not. Take a look at this. Come closer. CLOSER! Is it oozing? Does it make you uncomfortable. I didn’t ask to look like this. When you see me, look me in the eye. Don’t look here! Look me straight in the eyes. I have a purpose. I have a job to do. My name is Jillian Hall, and I am a FIXER!”

Jillian Hall: The Greatest Thing Since SLICED BREAD!