As you’ve probably surmised, here at WrestleCrap HQ, we have a rather substantial tape collection. There’s probably over 600 or so VHS (and believe it or not, probably 60+ Betas!) cassettes cluttering up the office, spilling out of shelving units, closets, boxes, and whatever other type of storage contraption I can find. For the longest time, we welcomed even more tapes, oddball footage that our fellow Crappers wanted to share. Finally, about a year ago, I said, “No more!” because I flat out ran out of space for these infernal things.
Oh, and I was sick of people asking if I wanted their copies of King of the Ring 1995. You know, the one where Mabel won the whole thing? Thanks, one of those is more than enough.
Thankfully, though, before I slammed on the brakes, one tape made it through – MuscleRock Madness (and sadly, I don’t recall who sent it to me – but if it was YOU, then email me at the link above and I will rightly note your contribution to the Crap). Now don’t ask me when this came out or what promotion it was from (ok, you can, it’s listed above). I’m sure you can find it on eBay pretty much at will – I remember seeing this thing on nearly every mom and pop video store’s wrestling shelf. I always passed it up because, back then, I had to have a Bret Hart or a Ric Flair or a Vader or a Sting on the cover to grab my wrestling video rental dollars.
Too bad – had I only known the greatness contained inside this plastic container, I’d likely have rented the thing, never returned it, and gladly paid the original price of $89.95 or whatever to replace it.
Crappers – are you ready to rock?
Wait a minute, that’s not good enough.
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Good. Then let us begin.
MuscleRock Madness lives up to its name from the start – we barely even get past the opening copyright warning and there’s a headbanger grinding and screaming away, the likes of which would make Adam Curry cream his acid washed Levi’s.
And this dude rocks, man! I mean, that guitar squeals and he screams out lyrics that punch right through your eardrum and attempt to strangle your very soul.
In case you didn’t catch the title of the opening little ditty, it’s MUSCLEROCK. And it plays as generic wrestling clips air.
Ok, that’s a lie. These clips are anything but generic. After all, there’s footage of botched monkey flips, giant pile ons, and…
…skanky skanks who have their skanky hair all skanked out in a most skantastic manner.
Ok, I admit it – I love giant 80’s mall hair as much as the next guy. To this day, I still beg Mrs. Deal to tease her hair up ala Lita Ford.
But this ho’s ‘do is so gargantuan that if it was any bigger, I’d have to spin my monitor on its side just to see it all.
Meanwhile Jammy McJam just keeps on slinging his ax and bellowing the words “Muscle Rock” over and over and over. Seriously, I think the intro is 18 minutes long and 17:35 of that has to be him screaming “Muscle Rock” at the top of his lungs.
And you thought Nazareth’s Hair of the Dogwas repetitive.
Finally, that song ends and we get into the wrestling action as Mondo Guerrero heads to the ring.
Except he’s not in a match, oh no – it’s a Mondo Guerrero clipfest set to yet another rockin’ tune by the name of (care to guess?) Mondo!
(And just because so many people asked nicely, here’s the full version for your listening pleasure.)
Catchy, ain’t it? Well, Mondo certainly thinks it is, as he actually sneaks up on the band and begins doing what can only be classified as…
After seeing Mondo shake his money maker like that (especially when Jammy took things down a notch and started quoting Speedy Gonzales – no joke, take a listen), I have to believe that Vince McMahon picked the wrong guy to put into the Gobbledy Gooker outfit.
Believe it or not, this actually leads us to a WRESTLING MATCH, featuring Mondo Guerrero versus a generic dude named the Shark (with an equally generic rockin’ tune called Shark Attack).
You know, I felt bad for John Tenta when he was the Shark in WCW, but at least Eric Bischoff didn’t make him wear a GIANT DORSAL FIN.
Anyway, the highlight of this match sees the action spilling out of the ring and onto the grass outside, and the announcers selling that grass as being as hard as concrete.
That must be a bitch to mow. I guess you’d have to use a bulldozer.
Next up we get a ladies match featuring Reggie Somethingorother against Goldilocks Somethingorother.
But not before we get another tune from Jammy and the Jamtones, no doubt saluting her choice of ring attire.
Maybe she wasn’t Reggie Somethingorother, but Wedgie Somethingorother. I’d go back and check but I’d have to see that visual again, so I’ll have to pass.
Thankfully, the music (and shots of her gluteus maximus) are cut short by the referee for the bout, Handsome Harry.
“Handsome?” With those glassy eyes and slurred speech, Hammered Harry seems more apropos.
(Oh, and before you email, no that’s not Harry Simon – at least I don’t think it is, as he didn’t list “former inebriated indy ref” on his resume.)
Long story short, Harry wants the girls to shut up and respect his authority!
Of course, we all know where that goes (but sadly not before we get a really awful 20 minute encounter).
Things go from bad to worse as we get a long patriotic anthem called “American Strong.”
After hearing this, and realizing that it was dedicated to the country I call home, I can honestly state that I shed a tear (and then contemplated loading up a U-Haul and high tailing it to Mexico).
You know, this tape had potential – after all, I’m an 80’s headbanger, and obviously I love wrestling. However, things took a serious left turn following Mondo cutting a rug and never looked back. At this point, I didn’t think there was a single thing that could keep me from chucking this thing right into the dumpster.
But I didn’t count on…
…a Samoan parody of Bad to the Bone (replayed here in its entirety – your iPod will never be the same)!
And not just any Samoan parody ofBad to the Bone, but one that contained the following lyrics, which I am not making up (well, except maybe the thing about the hippo):
On the day I was born
The skies were filled with doom
I weighed 200 pounds
Right out of the womb
When the doctor tried to spank me
That dude was doomed
I gave the guy a dropkick
He flew across the room!
Cuz I’m Samoan
100 percent Samoan Grown
I’m a Hungry Hungry Hippo
I’m Samoan to the Bone
And if that weren’t enough, we even got this lovely visual:
Yes, kids – that’s a hog’s head that appears to be drinking a Pepsi-Cola.
This tape ain’t going nowhere.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be going; I’m taking Mrs. Deal out for a romantic night of dinner and dance. And I can just imagine the look when I take her hand, lead her to the dance floor, and bust out the Mondo Shuffle.
I’m so gonna score.