Hey, did you hear? There’s going to be a Halloween Costume Contest at this year’s Cyber Sunday PPV!
(Oh, and if you didn’t hear it, I can only assume you didn’t watch Raw. They spent like ten minutes straight plugging the thing.)
Yes yes, fellow Crappers, once again WWE is wheeling out the goofball costumes for the girls, just like they do every year. The only difference, you will note, is that this year, you get to PAY FOR IT. In these tough economic times, dropping forty bones to watch Kelly Kelly dress up as a slutty pirate is not something I can rightly say is a good use of your disposable income.
What’s that? You say you don’t believe me and think there’s no better way to blow your hard-earned money? Well, pal, let’s take a look at the goldmine of ‘comedy’ and ‘sexiness’ we’ve bared witness to in such events over the past several years, shall we?
After all, who could forget the year the Ashleigh came out dressed as…uh…what the hell is she dressed as?
Knock the poor girl if you want, but at least she TRIED dressing up.
I mean, one year Maria came out as a cat.
Now to her credit, I knew she was a cat.
To her discredit, the only reason I knew she was a cat was because she said, and I quote, “I AM A CAT.”
Hey toots, Halloween comes but once a year. Can’t you do a bit more than drawing some whiskers on at the last minute with your eyeliner?
Still, even Maria did more than Ariel, who came out for her costume contest just wearing the same outfit she wore to every show.
You know, a lot of people have blamed Batista for getting our favorite big nippled vampire canned, but I would like to put forth the theory that she was axed because the McMahons were disappointed in her lack of preparation for such a crucial showdown.
Again, though, we knew what Ariel was (that being Ariel).
I had absolutely zero idea what Krystal Marshall was supposed to be wearing that ensemble.
Get this – she’s a GOLD DIGGER! Ha ha ha, cue that horrible fake laugh, Michael Cole!
Now don’t get me wrong, every once in a blue moon, one of these chicks gets it right. Halloween isn’t just the time to dress up, it’s the time to dress up like a total skank. Seriously, head out to your local pub on October 31, and you will see women who are the most prudish on the planet looking like street walkers. It’s part of the tradition of the holiday!
But given that looking like a street walker is modus operandi for the ladies of WWE, it can be a tall order to try to stand out. So I have to give the Deever (Layla) credit – that’s one cop I would be happy to let frisk me.
But while the Deever got it right, others just fail miserably. Take, for instance, her old Extreme Expose crony, Brooke. I guess she’s supposed to be a jungle girl or snake charmer or something. Since I’m not quite sure, let’s let her explain her getup with this promo.
Sheesh, and you wonder why we called her “Anonymous Brooke.”
That thing had me begging for a Michelle McCool interview.
On second thought, no wait, scratch that.
And yes, I know the joke about wanting a Greg Gagne promo is right there, but the thought of him prancing about as Eve is even less appealing than Michelle McCool doing it.
Not a LOT less appealing, but less appealing nevertheless.
The thing is, these women just don’t seem to understand that in one of these outfits, they either need to look hot or be funny.
To WWE’s credit, there are a couple of women who get that you’re supposed to bring the funny and do just that.
They are, naturally, the usual suspects, the women who just ‘get’ how to be entertaining.
Jillian Hall, for instance, showed up one year as Britney, accidentally dropping her kids all over the place…
…and Victoria, who waddled down to the ring in a sumo suit that would have made Yokozuna proud.
She wasn’t the only one to pay homage to a WWE legend, of course.
After all, who could forget Mickie James as Tatanka?
Most of the time, though, it’s just boring stuff like girls dressed as football players…
Yeah, lame, I know. But as you look back over all these goofy getups, I want you to realize one thing. The football players and showgirls and cats and cops and pixies and all that crap? They are all head and shoulders above what is, without question, without hyperbole, the single dumbest costume ever worn by a WWE diva:
as Halle Berry…
Seriously, what on earth could that poor girl have been thinking? Was she hanging out before the show asking herself, “What was the worst movie in the past 10 years? I should dress up as a character from that!”
And make no mistake about it – Catwoman is a HORRIBLE movie. I’m a connoisseur of bad movies, and even I can’t stomach it.
Rest assured, I am not alone. Virtually every critic had this thing on their worst of 2004 list, with my favorite quote being from Nathaniel Rogers at Film Experience:
“If ‘The star has a great rack!’ is the best one can say for a movie, it better be a porno.”
Still, I have to wonder…what could Candice do for an encore?
Yeah, that might be worth a couple of Andrew Jacksons.