Iron Circle Match

Iron Circle Match

News flash!

Courtesy “Cena pursued his Great American Bash opponent into the parking lot, where the self-proclaimed “wrestling god” was waiting to club the Chain Gang Commander with a tire iron. After knocking Cena unconscious, Layfield propped him up and attempted to smash a car into the prone Superstar. Luckily, John Cena managed to escape at the last minute and was only grazed, meaning that Cena vs. JBL will still take place on Sunday night.”

Well, thank goodness for that. I think we all can sleep a lot easier knowing that should a Wall Street Texan turned New Yorker props your head up against a car, then jumps in another car and drives like a bat out of hell right at your melon, you too may just be “grazed.”

That or John Cena is the Brown Hornet in disguise.

Regardless, the most important thing isn’t so much that Cena is alive and well, it’s rather that his scheduled encounter with JBL this Sunday at the Great American Bash is still on. And what an encounter that promises to be, as it’s not just any old match, oh no. It’s a New York City Parking Lot Brawl.

My question: what’s the statute of limitations for a WWE parking lot match?

My second question: if it really is 9 years, is there anyway we can make it longer than that? Like 99 years?

For the uninitiated among you, yes, we’ve seen a parking lot match before, and yes, it was back in 1999. It featured the deadly combination of these men:

Ken Shamrock: yes, this would be THAT Ken Shamrock, of the UFC Shamrocks. Before UFC became all the rage, Shamrock was one of their biggest stars, who decided that he wanted to try his hand at pro wrestling. While he never saw his star shine as brightly as it did in UFC, he did discover that he very much enjoyed selling internal injuries, reportedly by chomping on condoms filled with stage blood.

Ewww…I sincerely hope that’s just a nasty rumor.

His opponent: Steve Blackman, the Lethal Weapon. I’d make a lame joke about Blackman sitting on the toilet with a bomb on it, but I’d likely screw up the joke and betray the fact that I’ve never seen any of those movies. And then if I did that then my inbox would be flooded with emails telling me either I really need to see it or that I was really lucky to have never seen it.

Either way, I lose.

So yeah, Blackman was a kung fu martial arts guy so bereft of charisma that his lack of charisma would soon become his gimmick. Think about all the poor saps over the years stuck with THAT character. Have any of them ever, EVER gotten over? It’s right up there with the “Look at me, I’m clumsy!” persona (see: Master, Shock and Stasiak, Planet).

Anyway, those two juggernauts would soon find themselves feuding, like two gladiators locked in eternal battle. Or something. Hell, I don’t know, I just know that one time I had to watch them in an IRON CIRCLE MATCH.

And my GOD did it ever suck.

Much like the battlefield that awaits Cena and Bradshaw, this encounter took place in a good ol’ fashioned parking garage. A garage in which everyone parks in a circle.

No idea why anyone would ever develop such a facility, or where it is, for that matter, but I will say I’m glad I’ve never tried to stow my Dodge Omni there.

Especially as I have no need for its hood to be ass-buffed by that queenie looking guy on the right.

Good ol’ JR is here to explain the rules to us. Apparently you win this bout by running out of the circle of cars. Now keep in mind these cars aren’t slammed right up next to each other, but are spaced like they’re in the lot at the local food mart.

With this in mind, I have the following advice for Steve Blackman:

When Shamrock enters the “circle”, tap him on the shoulder, then point into the sky and say, “Look at that!” When Ken looks into the air, take off running.

Wrestling truly is the game of human chess.

Sadly, no chess match is this, as instead we got these two throwing each other onto car hoods…

…hitting one another with trash cans…

…throwing goofball kicks…

…and Ken taking a nap mid match.

Wait, that was me.


No, Ken wasn’t sleeping – he was SNAPPING!

He was inTHE ZONE!

Grabbing a nearby chain, he would soon strangle his foe into submission…

…and walk triumphantly out of the circle.

So yeah, that’s what we may have to look forward to this Sunday. One can only hope that the dastardly JBL will employ the patented RD Reynolds Iron Circle Strategy System on Sunday.

After all, three seconds is about the longest match I want to see those two in.

Jim Ross: “This is an unsanctioned match, the WWF wanted nothing to do with this. And you understand why. And when both Blackman and Shamrock get inside that circle of cars, they will start fighting. And the first man to be able to leave the circle wins the match.”

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