Induction night this year falls on Halloween? Awesome! I mean, sure, it’s had to have happened more than once with a site that’s been around for nearly twenty years, but still, that’s kinda dope. What better way to celebrate the holiday than to go in depth, face to face if you will, with the most ghoulish grappler to ever grace a pro wrestling ring: The Undertaker.
Even if the book we’re using as our source material has a background that looks like it was designed for Hello Kitty. Seriously, what is up with that?
Published back in 1994, this biography…
…and make no mistake about it, it is a biography (would the fine folks at Bradlees #588 lie to you) promises to take you behind the scenes with the Dead Man. I can only imagine the in-depth, never before told secrets we are about to learn as we go…
…yes, Face to Face with Undertaker.
If the first photo in the book is any indication, we’re about to learn a ton – such as the fact he apparently likes to use rusty hammers in all his construction work! Also, he seems to like to make fine art projects in his spare time. Check out that white…whatever it is…in the background of the photo. I’d like to think in 2019 he and Vince Russo (who now has taken up PAINTING!) would sit around drinking Earl Grey together discussing their creative outlets of choice.
I’d also like to mention that is one cute little dog the publisher has chosen as a mascot. He looks like he’s just spotted a squirrel and wants to make sure his owner is aware.
Maybe Russo could paint him next. Hopefully playing poker.
The table of contents goes into tantalizing detail on what will be covered. While it looks to be Undertaker cover to cover, I’m thinking the urn getting eight whole pages will be riveting stuff.
You know, I remember when I was working on the first WrestleCrap book, I also had to put together a table of contents. All I can say is ECW Press would have no way no how approved that. Maybe I should reach out to Top Dog concerning that long awaited Death of TNA book.
I really should write that before I die.
SPEAKING OF DEATH…the book opens and tells that on the night of November 19, 1990 a “clammy wind swept through the World Wrestling Federation.” That sounds kinda gross. Not sure I’ve ever experienced air that was “clammy” unless it was at a Long John Silver’s.
Also, one of Undertaker’s nicknames is “Pale Destroyer.” Here I thought I’d learn nothing in this book, but since I am pretty sure that is something I’ve never heard even once, I stand corrected.
Full color, full page photos are the name of the game in this tome. Here Taker Pale Destroyer attempts to smother a young John Cena as he is perfecting his “You Can’t See Me” taunt.
Something else the book knocks out of the park – the actual physical text, which looks to be fading into the mists in an ancient library. While the scoffers amongst you would say that’s a scanner error (and you’d be right), I would instead point out the text reading “The Mystery of the Undertaker”.
I mean, it’s in bright magenta text, but still.
Work with me here, would ya?
Fun fact: according to the book, the Undertaker Pale Destroyer may be announced as being from Death Valley, but he in fact lives BENEATH Death Valley…IN A CAVE.
THAT IS AWESOME.
When is home video footage of that showing up in the Hidden Gems section of WWE Network?
(Note to self: try to use the term “bowels of the grave” this week in casual conversation, RD. People will think it’s due to Halloween, but you will know better.)
Hey look at this amazing shot of Giant Gonzalez. What’s even more incredible is that this was a featured match at WrestleMania. Yes, WRESTLEMANIA. That legendary streak? This barn burner was a part of it! I’ve covered that match countless times, so let’s just see what the book says about it.
Yep, “Fate Worse Than Death?”
I mean, no question that match was absolutely atrocious, but that’s probably a bit extreme even for me.
Now if you REALLY want a fate worse than death, head over to page 23. Undertaker Pale Destroyer has done a lot of dastardly things in his day, but exposing kids in the Troll Book Club to Jimmy Snuka’s naked hindquarters has gotta be near the top.
As if that weren’t horrifying enough, the very next page has him shoving the Ultimate Warrior into a casket! I mean, I know that happened on WWF television, but can you imagine a parent who didn’t know any better opening up this neon pink book and seeing THAT?
And just think of the soccer mom who saw a freaking funeral urn floating near Jake Roberts’ crotch, just above tights featuring a woman who only has a snake covering her naked naughty bits!
Again, this in a book targeted at grade schoolers!
Twenty five years ago, no one batted an eye. But can you imagine if that happened today?
It would be all the Twitter rage for a good…I dunno…2-3 hours!
As for me, I’m more outraged that Giant Gonzalez gets more than one section. Honestly, one sentence would have been enough. It’s taken me years to black out the memories of that feud.
But the book ends with yet more discussion of the man with the fur covered genitals. Woof.
Still, I cut the author a bit of slack as he throws in a killer left hook on the last page, as he states, and I quote, “Not all the Federation referees are blind.”
Somewhere Earl Hebner is shaking with rage.
And failing an eye exam.
Before we wrap up, we get this. Yes, apparently even back in 1994 Vince and Co. felt the need to beat their audience over the head with just how fantastically awesome they are. I’m sure the fourth grader who read this while drinking his carton of milk was absolutely enthralled to learn the “Federation Network reaches more than 95 percent of US households.”
Just when I was about to call it quits, I discover one more page…and this one is the absolute best as it promotes other books in the series.
Undertaker I get. He was a big star.
Randy Savage? Given.
Bret Hart? Of course.
But strap yourself down for this…we also get Tatanka (BUFFALO!)…Adam Bomb…DOINK THE CLOWN???!
Time to hit eBay…I GOTTA have a complete set of this series on my bookshelf!