Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: as much as I love bad wrestling, I love bad music even more. Whether its William Shatner crooning Mr. Tamborine Man or Sebastian Cabot covering the Byrds, odds are that I have it.
And in a revelation that may startle you (but probably won’t), the single worst recording I have ever heard is Hulk Hogan’s audio atrocity, Hulk Rules. Horrible doesn’t even come close to describing the ear aching agony that awaits the listener unfortunate enough to have picked this one up.
Looking at the play list, you would never guess that Hogan has major ego problems. Out of the 10 songs on the CD, seven actually have the word HULK in the title! It will probably shock you, but almost all of them talk about how big and bad he is.
Up first is Hulkster in the House, where Hogan and a bunch of morons scream out thought provoking lyrics like “when the going gets tough, the tough get rough!” And thus the agony begins…
The second track is actually Hogan’s WCW theme, American Made, or as we like to call it, Real American 1995. Seriously, could Jimmy Hart have made this any more of a clone of the Rick Derringer original?
The toilet-esque swirl continues downward with Hulkster’s Back, in which Hogan raps with all the rhythm of PN News. An added attraction is a Valley Girl (a VALLEY GIRL?!!) who is like so over Hulk’s muscles and charms. Fer Sure.
I know what you’re thinking – what would sound really great here would be Jimmy Hart trying to do a Jimmy Buffet style tune. That’s exactly what Wrestling Boot Traveling Band is, and it is, in a word, terrible. He may have been going for a Jimmy Buffett sound, but what he achieved sounds more like an outtake from Emmet Otter’s Jugband Family Christmas.
And the tape goes on and on forever. There’s I Want To Be a Hulkamaniac, in which the Orange Goblin raps out safety tips. And yes, this is Evad Sullivan‘s theme song, although even the idiots running WCW were wise enough to put some happy sounding kids in place of the valium riddled choir on the CD.
There’s Beach Patrol, in which Hogan raps some more (“Hey Girl Frieeeend!”) while Jimmy Hart sings with a clothes pin on his nose.
Hogan apparently got tired of singing about how great he was two thirds of the way through the album, so he had some sassy vixens do it for him in Hulk’s the One. Ditto for the final track on the CD, Hulk Rules, where neither Hogan nor Hart sing his praises…but some one else did.
Yikes. Talk about an ego problem!
Finally, there’s the touching and soulful tribute, Hulkster in Heaven, in which Chuck Mangione plays a Casio keyboard. According to the liner notes, Hogan wrote the song after visiting a child in the UK who passed away shortly thereafter. Very nice, very serene, and I’m sure very sincere…too bad that even THIS is plagued with Hoganitis, as Hogan mourns that “the world just lost another Hulkamaniac.” Even some poor kid who died plays second fiddle to Hogan getting his name in one more time!
As shocking as this will no doubt sound, I urge every single person reading this to hunt down a copy of this. It shows beyond doubt that Hogan is a relentless egomaniac, and is the very definition of WrestleCrap.
You OWE IT to yourself to have this in your collection.
Chanting Chorus of Hulkamorons: “THE HULKSTER’S IN THE HOUSE! CHECK HIM OUT, CHECK HIM OUT! GET UP OF YOUR SEAT! HE’S GOT A BRAND NEW BEAT!”
Hogan: “When the goin’ gets tough, the tough get rough!”
Some Ho of the street: “He’s got the red white and blue runnin’ through his veins! He was born and raised in the US OF A! He’s something something something, I don’t care – if you mess with the best, he’ll something something something – he’s American Made!”
Hogan (in the worst rap ever known to man): “Fortune and fame was his middle name, he’s high as the sky he remains the same! With the training and the prayers and the vitamins too, don’t mess with us, or we’ll beat you too!”
Valley Girl: “Are you like a Hollywood producer? OH MY GAWD…”
Jimmy Hart: “So we laid on the beach, and got us a tan, and listened to the music with the boys in the band. And I’ll send you a postcard, whenever I can. Sincerely, the Wrestling Boot Traveling Band…”
Hogan (in the newest worst rap in the history of man): “Try to do good, each and every day, don’t give ’em nothing bad to say! Always swim with a buddy, work real hard and always study! If you want to be real real cool, don’t be stupid and play the fool! Get your education, each and every day – these are all the things that the Maniacs say!”
Depressed Grown Men: “I Wanna be a Hulkamaniac, have fun with my family and friends.”
Hogan: “Take it from me, don’t lose control – or you’re gonna have to deal with the Beach Patrol!”
Hart (with Clothespin): “We are the Beach Patrol, We wanna party party party! We are the Beach Patrol, We wanna party party party!”
Hogan: “Pump it up pump it up, pump up the bass! Hey Girlfriend!”
Ho off street: “You’re the one, the only one – Hulk’s the only one for me”
Ho off street: “If you mess with the Hulkster, he’ll re-arrange your teeth! Whoa-whoa! The Hulkster rules!”
Hogan: “I read it in the papers…I saw it on TV. I guess there’ll be one empty seat, when I come to Wimbledy. I used to tear my shirt, but now you’ve torn my heart. I knew you were a Hulkamaniac right from the start.”
Hos: “Right from the start!”
Hogan: “When the Hulkster comes to heaven…”
Hos: “heaven Heaven HEAVEN!”
Hogan: “We’ll tag up again. The world just lost…another Hulkamaniac…”