Note from RD: Hard to believe that we’re already doing our tenth Gooker Award. Harder to believe still that there’s never been a main character that has repeated in the ‘honor’. Even more unfathomable is the fact that unless something changes drastically, there’s a pretty good shot at the guy three-peating at some point.
Maybe it’s time to rename the Gooker Award.
Maybe we should just call it “The Hornswoggle.”
It’s hard to call myself a “wrestling fan” these days.
And each week, as I flip on Raw, it becomes even more difficult.
There’s valuable time that could be spent pursuing my many other hobbies and interests outside of wrestling or playing with my precious little Yorkie pups. But for every abysmal aspect of the products that WWE and TNA puts out every week, I’m reminded of many great and wonderful things about wrestling from years past that keeps me here. Yes, the product does have to “change with the times”. That’s perfectly fine. I get it. Every form of entertainment, be it music or movies or video games or even pro wrestling has to evolve to maintain an audience.
Although saying wrestling is ‘evolving’ when WWE’s main show has turned into a Gong Show-esque mish mash of bad guest hosts and even worse skits seems to be a bit misleading.
One thing not misleading, though – the worst of the worst of 2009. And that would be the never ending battle between Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero.
I actually find it impossible to believe that this entire feud began and concluded (I hope!) in the span of January 1, 2009 to December 31, 2009. This thing just went on forever. I swear that during about the fifth time I saw them on screen together, I was a spry 25 years old and hadn’t gotten the pups yet…and by the time they’d battled for the 48th time, the pups were no longer pups, but dogs that were 167 years old.
And I don’t mean in dog years.
Where to begin?
Ok. So Hornswoggle…
Remember when Hornswoggle debuted, and he wasn’t Hornswoggle? Remember his original name? It was Little Bastard. I know WWE is family friendly and all that jazz these days (well, as ‘family friendly’ as chicks with giant implants wearing shorts so tight they could double as thongs can be), but seriously, that’s a name that needs to come back. Because every time I see that guy on coming down to ringside, that’s what I think: Why is that Little Bastard on my TV again?
So yeah, I don’t really get his eternal superstar push. I get that he’s popular with the kids, but do we REALLY need him on every single show taking up valuable air time? In 2007, he was heavily involved in a storyline where he was Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son, which also won the coveted Gooker award. Now he gets to make a fool out of Chavo Guerrero, who must have THE NUCLEAR HEATZ with someone high up because I have no clue as to why he’s been the consistent target of pointless humiliation on a weekly basis. Considering he’s been loyal to the company his uncle and best friends have died for, you’d think he’d be rewarded for his loyalty.
But in true WWE fashion, loyalty results in humiliation.
Come to think of it, that’s pretty much the story with Vicki Guerrero too.
Eh, at least they get a paycheck out of it.
In short (ha ha ha…oh wait, I’m not Michael Cole, sorry about that), Chavo and Hornswoggle spent pretty much every Raw of 2009 battling it out in a series of skits and matches that just had you begging for a 20 minute Randy Orton promo. Or Vince coming out to beat up a fake Stan Kroenke. Anything but seeing yet another lame encounter that took precious time from your life that could be better spent doing, well, anything else.
Now generally, this is where the two column, twenty row HTML table sets up and I make witty observations about the screen caps being presented.
While the web code is there, I don’t know that I have any clever quips in me this time. Every encounter they had was little more than a drain on my soul, sucking the very life right out of me. It’s all so dumb that nothing really biting or sarcastic can be noted.
The awfulness just speaks for itself.
For instance, remember the “cow tipping” match?
Horny in chaps?
Chavo in a cow suit?
Seriously, what am I going to write about here?
Chavo cling to his street cred by sauntering out for the slaughter in his Mexican gang bandana?
Making a mockery of the classic Texas Bullrope match, the stipulation here is that Chavo has to wear the Elsie the Cow head.
I’d note how it must have been impossible for Chavo to try to have a good match given the fact the Elsie head has no eye holes, but seriously…
The guy is wearing a cow costume and battling a leprechaun.
Does it really matter if he’s blind?
So Chavo stumbles around and is then mounted by the midget.
Seriously, do I have to continue writing this? Do I?
(Note from RD: Yes. Yes, you do. Because I don’t want to do it.)
This epic encounter, one that likely will show up on a Best of Raw DVD at some point in the near future (because WWE really does view junk like this as “Best of” material), ends with Chavo scaling the ropes (yes, in costume) and being pushed off by Evan Bourne.
One hog tie later, and Hornswoggle gets the duke.
Ah, but the Cow Tipping match was just battle 137 in their best of 5,000 series.
Next we get a “blindfold” match. But the catch is that Chavo is the only one that’s blindfolded, which is the only way anyone can enjoy Raw nowadays.
Hey waitaminute…did they consult RD on how to have horrible matches for this feud?
(Note from RD: No no – the guy I wrestled in my blindfold match was at least 3″ taller than Hornswoggle.)
Nevermind THAT, let’s get to the BLIND WACKINESS!!
Like choking the ref thinking he’s the Kickable (my other term for little person).
And Chavo going to the top turnbuckle.
Because, you see, he’s an idiot.
Of course, he falls off and is pinned by Hornswoggle shortly thereafter.
Did I mention that Hornswoggle is the babyface of this feud?
And with a mug like that, how can he NOT be a babyface?
Ok, I lied.
I even named that file “punchable.jpg.”
In between his midget feud, Chavo gets to wrestle Raw guest host Cedric the (Non) Entertainer. It’s about as fun as watching Cedric’s awful movies. I’d love for Chavo to repeatedly kick him in his overrated, unfunny gut and say “This is for The Honeymooners!! And THIS is for Johnson Family Vacation!! But more so for The Honeymooners!!”
Sadly, Chavo fares no better against Cedric than the Leprechaun, and does the J-O-B here as well.
A Falls Count Anywhere Match is next, which begins with Chavo going under the ring and coming out with a toilet seat.
Are they trying to tell us where this feud belongs?
Well, it did wind up at The Crap, so maybe the WWE creative team isn’t as clueless as I thought.
Chavo chases Sky-Low-Even-Lower up the ramp and TO THE BACK, where we get fascinating dialogue like, “Have you seen Hornswoggle? Where is he?”
After checking various drawers, trunks and behind the refridgerator, Chavo opens up a door and gets paint-canned in the face like in Home Alone.
Chalk up another movie Vince has watched for the first time recently.
Oh, and as you could probably guess, Hornswoggle sneaks in to pin Chavo on the floor.
This causes Mark Henry to laugh…
….and Macaulay Culkin to shake his head.
For someone who did movies likeGetting Even With Dad and The Pagemaster, Mac has legally lost the right to shake his head at anyone else’s performance.
Then there was the match Chavo had with Markswoggle…yes, Markswoggle.
That was the Raw with Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken.
Talk about a Crap overload.
I don’t know how any of us survived that show.
The outcome of this match naturally sees Chavo counting the lights again…
…followed by Hornswoggle crawling out from under the ring and doing a tad pole splash on him.
I remember when I first heard that term, ‘tad pole’ splash.
I thought it was clever.
Had I known I would be hearing if for the next three years, I wouldn’t have been quite so humored.
In fact, I may have started crying.
Next we have “Sharp Dressed Man” tuxedo match made by Raw guests hosts ZZ Top.
If Chavo was smart, he’d have asked for a “Legs” match.
No way Hornswoggle would win that one!
Lillian Garcia of course screws up the intro so bad that Michael Cole has to translate what she was trying to say.
When Michael Cole – MICHAEL COLE! – has to cover your incompetence, then you have officially failed at your job.
Chavo comes out waddling like a penguin because apparently Horny had gotten to the tux beforehand and sewn the pants up.
He didn’t notice that when he PUT ON THE PANTS?
The usual “tuxedo match” crap here. Horny does his impression of the WWE mouth-raping the wrestling fans. All the while, Michael Cole laughs while mentioning Chavo’s weekly humiliation.
Shouldn’t you be getting sodomized by a roidhead backstage, you mealy-mouthed bag of meat?
Chavo is stripped of his tuxedo pants and covers himself like a WWE Diva in a bra and panties match and the camera does a closeup on his boxer shorts for added comedic effect.
Oh, and his boxers have chili peppers on them
Because he’s Mexican, you see.
And then there was a match where Chavo had to wrestle on his knees. This would be the best of the bunch because wrestling actually occurred for very nearly 10 minutes. I’m amazed.
And, yeah, you know how it ends.
There were a bunch of other stupid matches too, all just as dumb and ridiculous and pointless as the ones I’ve described here. I could go on and on for 20,000 words about it, but you get the point. It sucked. It was WrestleCrap.
And rest assured, it was Gooker worthy.