You’ve died.
You knew the day would come, you just didn’t know when. So it came to pass, and on the day you died, everyone mourned. The funeral reunited old friends and relatives long forgotten, who shared old stories amidst tears of sadness.
Still, you figured, maybe the afterlife won’t be so bad. Why, heck, they’re even holding a wrestling show tonight, with some of the biggest names of the business! Yeah, this place may not be so bad.
It’s only once you’ve watched the first couple of matches that you realize maybe you weren’t so good during your previous existence after all…
You see, the wrestling show is entitled Heroes of Wrestling. And instead of famous wrestlers during their prime, you’re getting to see them about 20 YEARS past it!
That’s right, it’s the senior circuit of wrestling, and you’ve got a ringside seat.
Still, it can’t be too bad with Gordon Solie doing the announcing.
Except even that is a rib, as your hosts for the evening’s festivites are actually Dutch Mantell and a total dorkus malorkus by the name of Randy Rosenbloom, who has presumably never been to a wrestling show in his life, calling simple moves like a dropkick the wrong name.
As if those two weren’t bad enough (and to be fair, Dutch is actually pretty good), there is even a Michael Buffer wannabe with his own idiotic catchphrase. “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” it ain’t.
And it’s not just bad in-ring product you get to see, as you’re also treated to the hahalarious backstage antics of George “the Animal” Steele checking out Sherri Martel’s cleavage…
…and Cowboy Bob Orton Jr. cheating at cards.
Sound thrilling? Well, no.
The evening starts out promising enough, with the makeshift tandem of Tommy “Remember Me? I Was One Half of the Fantastics!” Rogers and Marty “No, I’m the OTHER Rocker” Janetty against a couple of Samoans.
The match ain’t great, but it’s not the worst thing ever (that will come later).
Next up, Greg Valentine shambles out to the ring with a face so old and withered one might mistake it for Mt. Rushmore.
(Massive) Gut check time next the as Iron Shiek waddles out to the ring to swing his Persian clubs as his rooskie pal Nikolai Volkoff croons the Russian National Anthem.
And just in case you hadn’t figured out you were in hell yet, here come the Bushwackers, licking fans all the way down the aisle.
After the horrific Shiek and Volkoff vs. Bushwackers match finally comes to an end, you think you see a silver lining in this dark cloud, as Too Cold Scorpio and Julio Fantastico come out for a high flying contest. Sadly, this match resembles an albino dalmation – lots of missing spots.
Making matters worse is special color commentator Lou Albano blathering on like an idiot, shilling and spewing out gibberish that would make Steve McMichael scratch his head.
Still, you persevere and realize that thankfully, only two matches remain – a showdown between Jake “The Snake” Roberts and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, and a war of the waistlines between Yokozuna and King Kong Bundy . You start to breathe a little easier, knowing that while the Yoko-Bundy match will indeed stink up the joint, Jake always delivers the goods.
So backstage we go, and here’s the man of the hour, Jake “The Snake” himself.
But something’s not quite right…he seems to be slurring his words. He rambles incoherently during his interview (presented in short form here; the full promo, presented in RealAudio, is here). He hangs on the announcer like he’s about to fall down.
Why, if I didn;t know better, I would think he was…*GASP*…drunk!
He stumbles out to ringside not unlike a man with a massive hangover.
He stops on his way to the ring to hit on some nasty chicks in the front row.
And for the coup de grace (or would that be coup dis grace?), he takes out his pet snake Damien, puts it between his legs, and strokes it like he’s masturbating.
Someone in the back finally catches on that things are getting out of hand, and so Bundy is sent out to confer with Neidhart.
Seconds later, Yokozuna shows up after Bundy shoves Jake out of the ring. At this point, the match apparently turns into a tag match, with Yoko as Jake’s partner.
Roberts gets smashed (insert your own joke here) and pinned by Bundy. The faces make a comeback, however, and the show ends with Jake motioning that he is going to take off his pants.
Suddenly, you wake up. You aren’t dead after all, and you’re certainly not in hell.
But if you actually survived this PPV, then you know the afterlife has nothing for you to fear.
Randy Rosenbloom: “He comes out kicking. Off the ropes with the flying leg kick.”
Crisper Stanford: “So throw down your toys and get out of the sandbox. Play time’s over. Because tonight, somebody’s gonna get their aaaaaaassssssssss whooped tonight in here!”
Capt. Lou Albano (spacing removed to simulate Albano’s annoying rambling style): “LookatthisHOO-LiolookatthisHOO-LiolookatthisScorpiolookatthetalenttheyhaveherethisisoneof thegreatestofalltimeoneofthegreatesteventsofalltime!”
Capt. Lou Albano mumbles his idiotic old catchphrase, something about a dehydrated bee bee, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. And please, dear reader, don’t email me telling me what he said because frankly, no one cares.
Long version listed here. Announcer: “Come on, Jake, come on in here, the folks want to hear from ya.”
Jake Roberts (who obviously showed up early at the casino to cash in on those free drinks. The interview begins with him slurring his words so badly you can’t even make out what he says, so this is continued in progress): “In a cashino, you should gamblllle. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don’t want to play cards with me, because I’ll cheat. Ok, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. (RD: HUH?) You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me….*more slurring*…when you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don’t accept losing, and neither doesh Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. *mumbles incoherently* You don’t want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. *getting angry* HELL-OOOO, I’m talkin’ to you. Get that camera back up here. Thatsh what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT, DDT, DDT (begins yelling) DDT! DDT! DDT! *finally one of the 500 or so people in the audience chants along* THINK ABOUT IT!”
Announcer: “A man of his word, Jake “The Snake” Roberts.”