Every week, I get inundated with email after email of disgruntled WWE fans who have had it with the product Vince McMahon is presenting. It seems everyone has an opinion as to what is wrong. They’ve failed to elevate new stars. Hunter is boring. JBL is a joke. The announcers suck. Big stiffs like Heidenreich are given pushes while talented guys like RVD are buried in the midcard.
While those are all valid, I think there’s a much bigger problem.
To me, Rock is unquestionably the single most entertaining wrestler to come along in at least twenty years (with the possible exception of Steve Austin), and he set the bar so high for being an entertainer that no one else can even come close. He doesn’t even have to say a word – his mere presence makes things more interesting. When you see The Rock, you know, no matter how bad everything else might be, you are going to be entertained.
In that regard, he reminds me a lot of Roddy Piper in his heyday. Like Rock, Piper could just show up and you knew…you just knew…something awesome was going to happen. He wasn’t a great in-ring worker, but he was so fantastic on the stick that you couldn’t help but sit up and pay attention.
Like Rock, Piper eventually got to the point where those outside the wrestling business took notice, and, also like Rock, he was offered several movie roles. In 1988 he won widespread acclaim for his effort in John Carpenter’s They Live, a sci-fi drama that looked at the socioeconomic war in a futuristic version of the USA. Piper was marvellous in the role, and the film was considered both a critical and box office success.
As good as it was, however, it probably didn’t make up for some of his earlier Hollywood exploits. We’ve covered Bodyslam here at the Crap in the past, and today, we take a look at another Piper stink bomb – Hell Comes to Frogtown.
In the film, Piper stars as Sam Hellman, Hell to his friends. He’s a prisoner who is being held captive by the government following a nuclear war, a war that created a race of mutant frogmen with really crummy attitudes.
As if a horde of killer Kermits wasn’t bad enough, the human race is on the brink of extinction due to the fact that a) the bombs killed off most of them and b) caused widespread infertility in those that survived.
That’s where Piper comes in, as he is one of the few men wandering around who still has a sackful of seed. Therefore, he is given a choice: either rot in jail, or stage a jailbreak for a gaggle of women being held captive in Frogtown.
Oh yeah, and impregnate them.
So far, so good.
But there’s just one little catch.
In order to ensure that Hell doesn’t try to escape, the Feds have attached a bomb to his weiner.
Should he disobey orders, it’s sayonara to Jack & The Curly Q’s.
Piper is led on the mission by Dr. Spangle, a woman with a huge nose and somehow even larger glasses.
You know, Spangle is a really stupid name. I mean, it’s really, really horrible. In an effort to make the film more interesting, I have therefore decided I will henceforth refer to her as Urkela, since between her schnozz and oversized spectacles, she reminds me of a pasty female version of Steven Urkel.
Urkela…yeah, I like that.
Spangle…oops, I mean Urkela and Sam head off to the enemy territory of Frogtown in a paddy wagon, which I nicknamed “The Big Pink Poontang Mobile.”
Our heroes stop along the way so Sam can take a piss. Viewing this as his chance to make a run for it, he takes off for the hills, only to fall to the ground, clutching his groin in agony, as the Wang Lock 2000 clamps down on his nut sack.
Following this instance, Urkela informs Sam that it is her duty to not only keep him in line, but also to make sure that Sam remains “potent.” To that end, she has to arouse him from time to time, using her, and I am quoting here, “training in the seductive arts.”
You know how most men would react to being come onto by a slightly more female version of Urkel?
Finally the duo arrives at Frogtown, which strangely enough looks a lot like an abandoned oil refinery.
In order to successfully infiltrate the mutant city, Urkela disguises herself as Sam’s prisoner, the idea being that Sam will auction her off to the horny lizard men that call Frogtown home.
You may ask why these men would want to bag a skankwhore like Urkela, but when you see the natives, you kind of see their point.
Even the generally amorous Sam Hell wasn’t up for a trip down her lilly pad.
Along the way, we meet Sam’s old buddy, “Loony Toons” Lonny O’ Toole. Seems to me that O’ Toole should have been Piper’s name in the flick, just with “Miles” in place of “Lonny”.
Loony leads Sam to Bull, Commander Toady’s right web footed man, who purchases Urkela for his master’s harem.
He then proceeds to capture Sam, and, in the most comical moment in the entire film, screams as the top of his lungs, “SHUT YOUR HOOOOOLLLLE!!“
Indeed, “Shut Your Hoooollle!” seems to be a battle cry of idiocy, as at this point, the movie basically implodes into sheer stupidity. We get stuff like Urkela attempting to escape her captors by performing what is purportedly an “erotic dance” to our right…
…and Bull threatening to cut off Sam’s unit with a chainsaw.
To be fair, though, had I been forced to watch Urkela’s sexual spasms, I’d have been like, “Cut off my gonads with a chainsaw? BRING IT ON!”
Instead, all that is cut off is the bomb, which Bull winds up with, thus leading to his demise.
This leaves Sam free to come to Urkela’s rescue, with guns – and wacky one liners – ablazin.
Sam frees not only his scarecrow-esque mistress, but also all the other whores hanging about Toady’s palace. They escape to the outside, and Sam loads up the Big Pink Poontang Mobile with…well…a bunch of Big Pink Poontang.
All of this is far too much for Mr. O’Toole, who passes out from vaginal overexposure.
Godspeed Loony – we hardly knew ye.
Of course, Toady isn’t about to let all his cooter get away without a fight.
But Sam is ready.
No, not with a rocket launcher…
…but rather, with a poke to the eyes!
This is, after all, a Roddy Piper film we’re talking about!
Finally, the world is saved, and now Hot Rod is free to knock up all the skanks he wants. That is, if he can keep it up despite the obvious distractions.
To be fair, I am sure that the producers of Hell Comes to Frogtown never expected it to amount to much. From the sparse landscapes to the ridiculous costumes to the absurd premise to the wooden acting, the entire film is pretty much the epitome of a “b-movie.” Still, I’ve seen worse. It looks like the folks over at IMDB have as well:
Now that’s a recommendation!
Bull: “Shut your hoooolllllle!!!!”
Sam Hell: “Eat lead, froggies!”
Sam Hell: “Maybe you ought to try making love to a complete stranger in mutant hostile territory…see how you like it!”