For my first ever WrestleCrap update, I wanted to give the full career story of a recently released WWE superstar who’s had an unbelievable runs with awful gimmicks through his entire run. Then RD reminded me Rene Dupree (no, not the guy who wrote “Girls In Cars” for Tito & Rick) had not been released and my ode to Café De Rene would wait another day. Instead, I tried to remember a recent WWE craptastic gimmick for the site. Nonetheless, terrorism really isn’t that funny, the Gymini aren’t sexy enough, and I’m still recovering from the horrific death of Jillian’s mole. While trying to decide who deserved induction, one sensitive poet (no, not Leaping Lanny Poffo), tender Gene Snitsky lover, savage Michael Cole rapist* but above all one true friend immediately came to mind.
That man of course is John Heidenreich…
Yes, That Heidenreich. (I apologize if you have his theme in your head right now…a little crap trivia the voice of in that song was his “Agent” Paul Heyman. In a related note, you most likely don’t give a f*** about Heidenreich’s music. The song was called Dangerous Politics, which if you think about it, is a calamity as we never heard any of Heidenreich’s “dangerous” political views.)
Heidenreich first gained fame in America in OVW as “Big Bad John” which should have been a prophesy. He was indeed big. He was also very bad, but very tall. Therefore WWE creative had an OUTSTANDING IDEA FOR HIM! The idea was he was going to be…are you ready for this….a FROZEN NAZI~! Keep in mind this was during the time that the WWE was set to introduce another wrestler named Kenzo Suzuki as Hirohito, evil Japanese dictator, so it shows that someone on the WWE creative was really digging World War two shows on the History Channel at that time.
His illustrious WWE career began on as Heidenreich was trying to get a spot on either of the WWE brands. He wanted someone to view his demo tape (ironically also called “Can I Borrow a Feeling?”). Nobody wanted to. In hindsight, perhaps they were trying to warn us. He gave RAW GM Austin a “best of tape”, which might have been a beautiful rib or a blank cassette tape. He also gave it to Matt Hardy on Smackdown who either threw it in the garbage or taped over it for a very special episode of the “Matt Hardy show” He made sure that Austin knew it was made by something or someone named Little Johnny…
Who was this Little Johnny? Sadly, I can’t tell you because the biggest tragedy of Heidenreich’s career (besides his matches) was the fact the world never got to know who – or what – little Johnny was, as the angle was quickly dropped. Speculation reigned supreme among the IWC over who Little Johnny was…
a. A puppet (like Rocco, who when you think about it should have managed the new Legion Of Doom)
b. A midget Heidenreich look-alike or mini-reich
c. His son (complete with matching belly button tattoos)
d. A wonderful piece of crappy WWE Merchandise
e. A split personality (much like mine, whom I call “Derek Burgan”)
f. His penis (later we learned he called it “ltl’ doomer”)
Trish Stratus was the only one to catch a look at Little Johnny. Shortly afterwards, Trish became in the words of Chris Jericho a “filthy, dirty, most disgusting, brutal, bottom feeding, trash bag ho.” Hurricane and had an exasperated look of fear when Heidenreich whispered to him what Little Johnny is/was. Now look at Hurricane’s career. Do the math.
Keep in mind this was also during the time that Al Snow and Johnathan Coachmen were the Raw announcers, so most of you have either forgotten this or blocked it completely out of your memory. Heidenreich had two “matches” on Raw, including an inter-gender tag team match where he nearly killed Steven Richards by dropping Stevie on his bad shoulder and sending the former RTC leader on a path to crossdressing. Heidenreich shortly disappeared after this. Perhaps he went back to OVW or back to his frozen Nazi casket.
Thankfully, Heidenreich’s poetic story does not end here. In the summer of 2004, vignettes on Smackdown started to air hyping the return of Heidenreich. The vignettes featured his new “agent” Paul Heyman, who at the time was out of favor with WWE management. Way, way, way out of favor. Heidenreich was no longer about his “little Johnny” and now had an intense hatred of announcers. Unfortunately, he never got his hands on Coach. But his re-debut was attacking Josh Matthews and even Smackdown’s Number #1 announcer, Funaki. John then turned his focus to Michael Cole, who he had been “watching and studying” for some time. I bet plenty of “psychos” study Michael Cole. One week he kidnapped (and yes this is the appropriate word) Cole out of his booster announcer’s chair. John then locked Cole in a room and told him “We all have some desires, now, alone, I’ll give you what you want. I’m going to share something with you.” John pinned Cole up against a wall and…glup…and…read him a POEM!
Fear, do you fear me?
I think you should, because I am so often misunderstood.
No one knows the pain inside, no one knows the tears I hide.
My heart was destroyed a long time ago,
by what and by whom you will never know
I made a vow to never tell
instead I’ll put the world through hell.
Heidenreich then tenderly simulated rape* on Mr. Cole.
After violating Cole inhumanely through simulated rape* and poetry, John unlocked the door and let Cole leave, but made sure to him thank Cole first. Cole then ran off and completely no sold it. The raping was on par with Heidenreich’s best matches (some argue this was his best match), quick, to the point, with his opponent carrying the load, and lots of great grunting. The WWE realized they in fact had something here. WWE creative deserved credit for being smart and knowing exactly what do to with Heidenreich. They kept Heidenreich out of the ring and focused their efforts not on his lack of wrestling ability, but his abundance of poetry. The very next week he was in Vince’s office, who John claimed he had a lot in common with. Both were OUTCASTS~! because they threatened the world. Heidenreich let us know that people of the world made him angry, and ANGER MAKES HEIDNERICH write poems! And to think anger makes LIPINSKI cry and watch “Too Close for Comfort” DVDs.
No one knows the real me.
No one has ever taken time to even try to see.
No one has ever given me the chance to even be free.
But you Mr. McMahon have set Heidenreich free.
And that freedom has given me hope.
And that hope has given me happiness that I would finally get the chance to make the world pay for the pain that I have endured.
And when I am done with the world, the world will be pure,
because pain is a purifier.
And that was a poem by Heidenreich”
Vince liked this poem. He really did. Heidenreich loved doing the poems for his adoring wrestling poet fan base. Unfortunately, the poems, much like the laughter couldn’t last forever, and Heidenreich would have to actually get in the ring and wrestle. Before that, Heidenreich read more poems; he also attacked some fans who wouldn’t shut up when he was reciting his poetry. These fans felt so threatened by this poet they laughed. Because of this, Heidenreich was forced to wear a straight jacket, which John said felt like home. Of course, having no hands took away his only skill, writing poetry.
In any event, he began a feud with the Undertaker when he attempted to kill ‘Taker with:
b. a very special poem
c. a giant Randy Savage green foam cowboy hat.
d. smashing into a hearst with a truck with BOTH “malice and forethought”
e. Ashley’s used panties from WWEShop.com
The answer of course was (d), however the feud was eventually doomed because (just in case you don’t realize this) YOU CAN’T KILL THE UNDERTAKER. Randy Orton has tried, Kane has tried, and hell even terrorists have tried. The first big Undertaker vs. Heidenreich match was held at the 2004 Survivor Series. I (much like most of the wrestling world) have totally forgotten the match, other then the Undertaker won. Duh! Though, the highlight of the show was a meeting of the minds. A summit of monumental proportions. The birth of the new Mega Powers. Something that reminded wrestling fans young and old of why they loved wrestling so much in the first place. Yes, it was the magical night when Snitsky first met Heidenreich….There is no way for this transcript can’t do it justice – or get the grunts right.
The two men have a grunting face off
Snitsky: I like your poetry. H
eidenreich: I like what you do to babies.
Snitsky: I’ll see you later.
Heidenreich: I’ll see you soon Snitsky
Simple, elegant, classic. To this day it still brings a tear to my eye. Of course, the Undertaker defeated Heidenreich, which caused the poetic psycho to get *well* even more psycho. He had a nervous breakdown in a match with Charlie Haas and was sent to an instruction, where we, the viewer, could hear the clock ticking in Heidenreich’s head. Heidenreich took his meds, and was happy-reich once again. So happy he went back to poetry! “But there is no fear in the heart of Heidenreich, whose sole purpose for living is the destruction of life. A megalomaniac has taken control and showed the deadman his time is running low.” Now, Heidenreich was not only a poet, but a liar as well since leaving the institution he had developed a fear of caskets! His one true friend was there to help him before his casket match with the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble…no, not Paul Heyman. He was buried literally by the Undertaker faster then you can say “ECW One Night Stand” followup. The two grunters met again before the casket match and this time Snitsky had a plan…
Heidenreich: Caskets, Caskets. I hate caskets! (groan, grunt) CASKETS…(more grunts and groans as he gets off his knees)
Snitsky: I hear you don’t like caskets!
Heidenreich: Like. I don’t like caskets I hate them!
Snitsky: I know. I know you hate caskets. I don’t like them either. (smiling) But I do like you John!
Heidenreich: I like you too Gene! But I still hate caskets
Snitsky: I know. I know Jon, but I have an idea.
Heidenreich: You do
Heidenreich: Ok. That sounds good (Snitsky doing the head nodding)
This was the worst breathing and grunting since The Young and the Wrestling. The team of SnitskyRiech did not, in fact, set the world afire. They were supposed to work with Undertaker & Kane in a tag team match at WrestleMania XXI, but instead Heidenreich put in the casket casket and feuded with Booker T and future WrestleCrap inductee Orlando “Bi-Time Machine” Jordan. During the feud with Booker T, Heidenreich introduced “the true Heidenreich.” The “true” Heidenreich was all about being friends with everyone and his new walk which . He would walk like a mutant bushwhacker to the ring. The anger was gone, and so was his awesome poetry, the anger which powered his prose was replaced with the following:
Blowing farts out my ass
like breeze blows through the grass.
I love the feel of when I fart
it makes me smile and warms my heart!
And that was a poem by Heidenreich! A disasterpiece!
Nothing said “disasterpiece” quite like Heidenreich. WWE.Com noted that “Heidenreich’s been misunderstood his entire life. He’s been a tortured soul, searching for acceptance and friendship.” The tortured soul would also beat down his opponents while asking them if they were in fact his friend, and while beating them down telling them “that’s not the way friends treat each other!” He even befriended noted tough guy and WWE DVD historian, The Brooklyn Brawler. He had for a poem for his new best friend, a poem so bad it somehow altered Brawler’s DNA and turned him into a Boston Red Sox fan. Oh the horror!
Therefore Heidenreich was forced to beat him senseless while shouting epitaphs of “traitor.” Not happy with having jobbers of 1980’s as friends, he looked to the audience for friends. He spent the next few weeks pulling fans out of the crowd to sit in the corner and watch his matches. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Of course this meant more POEMS.
Heidenreich, That’s My Name.
Writing poems, That’s my game.
Finding friends is what I do
that’s why I have found you.
Heidenreich and (insert friends name here) are friends
And will be that way until the end
Heidenreich is here tonight
Heidenreich is here to fight!
Heidenreich just wasn’t satisfied with just children. Man, that sounds wrong. In Hershey PA, he tried to find friends by using an enormous chocolate bar. Smelling food, several unnamed hungry Diva’s came out. and fawning over Heidenreich’s partially eaten chocolate bar. They began to try to seduce him for a piece of his chocolate, this was on par with the first Diva’s Search “The Art Kamala Seduction.”
MNM interrupted the seduction session, and started a feud with Heidenreich and Michelle “Volleyball Chick” McCool. Melina’s words cut like a knife in telling Heidenreich his poems were lame and she would NEVER BE HIS FRIEND! Like a real man, he broke down in tears. So, understand this, MNM debuted to great fanfare, won the tag team titles and were put straight into this feud. At least the world got to hear Johnny Nitro call the divas “Fatty.” After getting attacked by MNM, Heidenreich was saved by Road Warrior Animal. Together the team of AnimalReich, this new Legion of Doom did something no one ever thought they would be able to accomplish, yes, this team made people miss Sunny, Droz, and even Rocco. They also captured the world tag team titles and further hurting MNM’s popularity and push even more. Do you wonder if maybe Hawk attempted suicide by jumping off the Titon Tron because he saw the future of LOD, and it was far worse then a puppet?
In the next few weeks Animal did a Road Warrior Makeover on young Heidenreich. First he convinced John to get a Mohawk, then some face paint and finally when he was good and ready the traditional WWE bright orange spiked shoulder pads. Of course they were sold out and had to go to white. The slow build of Heidenreich becoming a Road Warrior was during the time where the Road Warriors DVD was released, what better marketing then a new lamer version of the tag team? The team of Heidenreich and Animal lasted several months, in which Heidenreich exchanged his poetry for some Papa Shango makeup. The team lost the tag titles after three months, then in January Heidenreich was released from his WWE contract.
While John may be gone from the WWE for now, he left a legacy of poetry, friends, and simulated rape* that will continue to live on forever. Was Heidenreich a great worker? Surely not, in any sense of the word, but he did take the gift of rhyme and used it in ways that were much better than that Cena kid ever did. Given the awful gimmicks, Heidenreich did the most with them and most of us who love WrestleCrap will never forget him.
Michael Cole certainly won’t….
*Keep in mind the word “rape” was never used here, because of course the WWE doesn’t do rape. They also hate liars kids!
Selected poetry works of John Heidenriech:
No one here could ever know
What a chair and Booker T could finally show
That this angry man so consumed by hate
Could ever escape my dead end fate
Tonight I wanna give thanks for you Booker T, Showing me the light.
Because that light is shining oh so bright
And that light is gonna show me a new way to live my life
And I finally get to show the whole world the true Heidenreich
Oh what a rush,
What that means to me,
It’s not that hard to see,
To get a chance to crush the likes of MNM,
with my biggest, badest best new friend,
hawk might not have been here in person,
but his spirit is raisin on
I can feel it in the ring when the titles have been won
Animal and Heidenreich came together at the bash
To bring the gold back to the good,
WWE tag team champs
Its Seems to be, seems to me,
Animal and Heidenreich were meant to be.
Now that..what a rush!