Heel Tony Schiavone

Heel Tony Schiavone

Hey, remember that Star Trek episode “Mirror Mirror”? It’s the one where Captain Kirk waged war with an alternate reality version of Spock, who was a bearded, mean, and nasty clone of the lovable clean shaven, pointy-eared goof we’ve grown accustomed to. While not one of Trek‘s best shows, it’s one everyone remembers.

After all, how can you forget a beatnik version of Spock?

Well, for today’s lesson in Crapography, let’s flash forward thirty some years to the TNA arena, where a similar alternate reality was unfolding. An alternate reality involving this man:

Except now, he too appeared as a beatnik version of himself.

Yes, friends, that is none other than former WCW announcing mainstay Tony Schiavone, interrupting a Goldilocks-Paul Bearer interview. Yes, TNA actually had a woman on the roster named “Goldilocks”. Don’t ask why – it’s TNA.

As for Tony, well, he wasn’t alone. With him was none other than his new evil beard of doom. And if that’s not dorky, ummm, I mean intimidating enough, he’s clad in a Kiss t-shirt complimented by a Magnum P.I. button-up. Judging from his drastic new looks, Bizarro Tony wasn’t here to proclaim this segment as the “greatest segment in the history of our sport,” no.

He was ready to shock the world and turn heel.

And like any good nogoodnik, he did the honors of insulting the nearest fat man

Fatty Fatty Two By Four, Can’t Get Through the Kitchen Door!

…and announcing that the nearest skank was nothing more than, well, a skank.

I don’t remember Goldilocks wearing a hat like that in my Little Golden Book

Before Tony had a chance to reach in his bag to start insulting the local sports team (“They stink!”), in walks TNA commentator Mike Tenay for an impending confrontation. Sounds exciting doesn’t it? If I’m going to listen to two old men bitch, it might as well be these guys.

We’d rather watch that dumb bear than TNA!

Tony and Mike bicker back and forth like two nerdy Youtube shooting marks, talking about who’s a better announcer, why Russo killed WCW, who sold more cases of Surge, and who kissed Vince Russo’s ass more.

And hey, speak of the devil. Vinnie Ru drops by the party to take Schiavone’s side, as the Death Of WCW audio book debate continued to unfold in a TNA ring. I think the fans’ signs sum it up.

The Puricists Care!

In the end, Russo offers Tony a job. And in token Russo style, it must’ve been a swerve, as Evil Tony Schiavone disappeared shortly after this boring segment, never to be seen again.

Since it was actually Evil Bizarro Tony in the ring that night, and he does the 100% complete opposite of what Good Tony does, do you think he stated that this was “one of the worst nights in the history of our sport!?!?!?!?”

– Tony Schiavone: “Here, stand next to me, I need to look thin, ok?”

– Schiavone: “How long have you been in pro wrestling? Five minutes, ok? Why are you here in NWA? Let me tell you why, let me tell you why…tits & ass!”

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