Headlock On My Heart

Headlock On My Heart

I think sometimes that it’s hard for younger Crappers to get a feel for just how big a star Hulk Hogan was in the mid 1980’s. Kids, he was everywhere: he was on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, he was on Hot Properties with Richard Belzer, and he was doing music videos with Dolly Parton.

Oh, I can hear you young whippersnappers already.

“Who’s Johnny Carson?”

“Who’s Richard Belzer?”

“Who’s Dolly Parton?”

For shame. For shame!

While I can understand youngins not remembering Johnny Carson (he basically vanished from earth when he left The Tonight Show) and Richard Belzer is really not much more than the answer to a trivia question (“Who sued Hogan for dropping him on his face on national television in 1985?”), you’re a total doof if you don’t know who Dolly Parton is. After all, she was/is one of the biggest country music performers ever. She was flamboyant, talented, and yeah, the fact that her chest resembled two Hindenberghs in an air race certainly didn’t hurt her popularity with the guys in the audience. Much like the Hulkster, she was all over the place in the 1980’s too: she was churning out hit records, she was in movies (including the woefully underappreciated 9 to 5), and had her own TV show. Just how big a star was she? Get this: she had her own theme park. Actually, she still does: Dollywood still draws in the rubes who visit Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. (And to be fair, it is a fun little place – yes, your ol’ pal RD has been there.)

If you have an AMUSEMENT PARK, I’d say you’re a pretty big deal.

So it certainly made sense that eventually, two huge pop culture icons such as Dolly and Hulk would get together.

Little did anyone know, though, that there would be such chemistry between the two that they’d get hitched.

What’s this? You didn’t know about Hulk’s secret nuptials to the only woman whose chest was bigger than his own? Well, don’t tell Linda, but here’s the scoop, here’s the dirt. It all took place during a Dolly music video…

And how does this particular video get started? Well, with with what I can only properly describe as a big, pink…


One would have to wonder what, precisely, could cause Miss Twin Peaks to reach such a level of ecstacy.

Well, duh – who were you expecting? Richard Belzer?

(Just Google the bastard, for crying outloud.)

Dolly wipes off her soggy digits (look at the photo above and tell me she wasn’t giving herself a paw), and heads out to the rasslin’ matches.

Say what you will about all the other 80’s fashion in the video, but I must say, she has the coolest damn nail job ever.

The rest of the outfit is spectacular as well – although Aimee Mann is gonna be mighty pissed that Dolly raided her outfit from that Voices Carry video.

Now there’s a catfight I’d pay to see (and my money’s on the gal from Tennessee).

Anyway, she’s there to see her man, Starlight Starbright.


Well, err, that would be the Hulkster. Now why, exactly, he’s known as “Starlight Starbright” in this video is completely unknown. We can speculate (she didn’t want to pay Marvel; she didn’t want to pay Vince; she couldn’t find anything to rhyme with “Hulkster”).

No, we’ll never know. My email to Miss Parton garnered no reply. I do not know why. I thought it was very courteous. Here it is in its entirety:

“Hi Dolly-

My name is RD Reynolds, and I run a website called WrestleCrap.com. I usually love your work (I openly sob to Hard Candy Christmas at least 50 times every December), but I have to ask…what the f*** were you thinking naming Hulk Hogan ‘Starlight Starbright’? That’s the stupidest name in the history of man. I mean, seriously, you really must have had your head up your anus to come up with that one. I’m so livid about this, that I think I’ll burn down Dollywood in an attempt to adequately express my anger.

Your friend,

RD Reynolds

PS – I love your jugs.”

I’m not making this up – Hogan’s name in the video is “Starlight Starbright.” Not only that, but according to our ring announcer, he is, and I am quoting here, “THREE HUNDRED POUNDS OF MAGIC.”

Well, when you put it THAT way, maybe it’s not such a dumb name after all.

Following his introduction, Hulk Starlight treats us to a promo, which causes Dolly to once again to flood Beaver Creek.

The Starlightster makes short work of his opponent (whom I think was “Iron” Mike Sharpe, but I’d need Blade to confirm that). He looks out into the audience, and instantly falls in love with…

Well, duh. Who were you expecting? The country music star with the 42DDD chest or the greaser in the tanktop?

The two leave the ring, with the Hulkster no doubt thinking, “I am so getting the hell away from this zebra striped psycho once I’ve tapped that ass.”

But this isn’t some sleazy one night stand, oh no. One quick fade later, and we’re back in the ring for a wedding ceremony!

And I should mention that the announcer, the same dude who claimed Starlight was 1/15th of a ton of enchantment, is now the preacher. I hope he got paid twice for this gig.

Unlike every other wrestling wedding in history, this one goes off as planned, save for the fact that Dolly has to explain that now that she is Mrs. Dolly Starbright, this means Mr. Starbright gets to kiss the bride.

I guess that Starlight was waiting for Roddy Piper to run in or something, who knows?

Dolly throws the bouquet, and some dude catches it to the delight of all his gay friends.

Now before you email me and call me a homophobe or whatever, let me ask you this: why would a GUY be catching a bouquet?

Case closed, be-yotch!

And thus everyone lives happily ever after. Well, except Linda, who is probably mighty pissed to find out that Hulk is a polygamist. Who knew?

A lot of you are probably disappointed that we’ve included no audio in this induction. Well, if you want to hear the song so bad, why don’t you cut Dolly a break and head over to the iTunes store and buy it, ya cheapskate?

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