There aren’t a lot of guys in wrestling that I feel sorry for, but Tom Laughlin, aka Tommy Dreamer, is one of them. Here you’ve got a guy who’s given his life, body, and soul for this business, and he just never, ever seems to catch a break. Sure he was there for the “rise” of ECW, but he was also there for the death. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was also around for its “resurrection”, and has been there ever since, seeing what he had worked so hard for become an absolute parody of what it once was.
I feel bad for the guy because he really does seem like a guy who gives it his all every time out. It just seems to me that when you have a guy like that, you should give him a chance to somehow take that next step. Maybe he just needs a hot angle, a fresh opponent, an interesting feud. And to be fair, one time WWE did give Dreamer a shot via a make over of sorts, a series of vignettes when we spent “A Day in the Life of Tommy Dreamer.”
And thus the skits began with a warning: “The actions you are about to witness are those of TOMMY DREAMER and not World Wrestling Entertainment.”
This being the same company that has presented necrophilia, crucifixions, and borderline incest as themes for entertainment, you really do have to have some level of fear for what we are about to see.
Instead we get a scene where Tommy is brushing his dog’s teeth. Not sure why we’d need to be warned about that. After all, dental disease is one of the most common maladies our canine friends face; helping them keep strong and healthy teeth is very important.
Maybe Tommy was right – maybe he was just a normal guy.
Except normal guys don’t brush their dog’s teeth and then shove the toothbrush in their own mouth.
Next we get to see Tommy shaving.
Shaving his tongue, that is!
It’s funny, because I dubbed this induction “Gross Out Tommy”, but upon further reflection, neither of these things is all that disgusting – just really stupid.
I probably should change this induction to “Really Stupid Tommy Dreamer”, but the Photoshop stuff is already done, and I’m just too lazy to go back and fix it.
Plus, since Tommy would soon stick his cup in the toilet…
…and take a big swig (because toilet water is colder than normal water we learned), yeah, “Gross Out Tommy” works.
Soon we weren’t getting Tommy just being a cretin backstage, we were getting him in the arena, knocking hot dogs out of marks hands onto the floor…
…then gobbling them up.
Maybe “Really Stupid Gross Out Tommy” would be a good compromise.
Regardless, Tommy would soon run into someone even more bored with his antics than I was. And that would be this man…
…The Undertaker!
Now if Taker looks a bit odd to you in that image to the left, it would be because this was during his American Badass stage.
If you think that an undead zombie becoming a motorcycle riding thug is dumb, all I can say is that it beats the time when he was going around calling himself “Booger Red.”
Yes, Booger Red, which actually made it to number two on our list of “The Seven Wrestling Nicknames That Somehow Just Didn’t Catch On” in The WrestleCrap Book of Lists!
We’d tell you what number one is, but then you’d have no incentive to buy the book. And we really want you to do that.
Suffice to say number one had to do with cows and nipples and vitamin D.
Seriously.
If that’s not incentive to get you to buy the book, I don’t know what is.
So Taker came up with a great idea: if Tommy wanted to “entertain” the folks in the crowd by eating disgusting crap, he’d offer something up for Dreamer’s gullet: his cup of tobacco spit.
Completely pointless trivia that no one on this entire planet could possibly care about: during my first ever stint as the “Real Deal” in Jeff Cohen’s old Championship Wrestling of America, we did a match where the loser had to drink a cup of not only “The World’s Most Popular Wrestler” Mike Samples’ tobacco spit, but the spit of everyone in the crowd. Seriously, I had to walk around to each person in the stands and ask them, “Would you like to spit in this cup? The loser of the main event has to drink it!”
I should probably also mention that we called Mike Samples “The World’s Most Popular Wrestler.” Seriously, we called him that. He was so popular, you see, that we’d draw 35 people every night to the local armory.
I’d ask myself why I ever continued doing indy shows, but then I’d further have to ask myself why I’ve spent over eight years documenting absurd stuff like Tommy Dreamer shaving his tongue. And that would probably be pretty depressing.
Anyway, Dreamer reluctantly grabs the cup…
…takes a swig…
…and decides he likes it!
I mean, he REALLY LIKES IT!
Ironically, this does not entertain the Undertaker, who promptly beats the ever lovin’ crap out of Dreamer.
Sadly, that was pretty much the end of “Gross Out” Tommy Dreamer. I was just getting ready to write “he’s been relegated to the WWE midcard ever since”, but then I realized that being in the midcard would be a step up for Tommy Dreamer. A pretty damn big step up.
So Tommy continues on, stuck in no man’s land in WWE, his only consolation being a steady paycheck.
Oh yeah, and the fact that when he gets home, he has this woman waiting for him:
Wait a minute, I need a reminder – why did I ever feel sorry for Tommy Dreamer again?
Tommy Dreamer: “I came out here tonight to publicly clear up some public misconceptions about me. First of all, I’m just a normal guy.”
Dreamer: “You ever drink toilet water? What? It’s better than regular water, it’s a lot colder.”
Dreamer: “That was pretty good, what is this? Thanks, bro!”