From the “this sounds too amazing so it’s not possible it could be true” file comes today’s induction, featuring good ol’ Giant Gonzalez taking over the little remembered and rightly so WWF Mania show. Those of you who do have recollections of it remember it no doubt as it featured Todd Pettengill and Stephanie Wiand, who was delivered by Santa Claus to Todd as a present.
What, you thought I could make something that stupid up? There’s your evidence right there. Anyway, she had yet to make her debut on the show so playing the part of Stephanie Wiand will be none other than one of the worst wrestlers in the history of planet earth, Giant Gonzalez.
But before we get there, let’s talk more about WWF Mania, specifically it’s absurd intro. You want bright colors? You got it? Pinhole graphics? No problem. And just for funsies, we’ll throw in the bounciest letters this side of a Discovery Zone ball pit. Also, what on earth was that bouncy side headlock? Only one word for that – LEWD. Thank God Tatanka (Buffalo!) turned it into a back suplex.
So Todd is in the control center when in storms the mighty Gonzalez. For one moment, just pause and breathe in that graphic above. It’s not every day you get the opportunity to witness a seven foot seven inch man bedecked in a full body suit, one covered in airbrushed muscles and fur, growling about in an insane manner! No wonder that geek with the headset ran for the hills – admit it, you would have too!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think if I had a million I couldn’t begin to cover the awe of what is on display here. Is this giant happy? Is he angry? Does he have a clue what emotion he is to be displaying?
You said it sister! Where you been?
Todd directs Gonzalez to look at footage of the 1993 Royal Rumble, wherein he debuted and attacked The Undertaker. While seeing a guy nearly a foot taller than Taker was an impressive sight, the fact he could barely move or do much of anything at all should have been warning signs. As would have been all the horrific matches he had in WCW the years before this. But hey, Vince knows how to book giants and all that. Just ask Paul Wight!
The giant is naturally thrilled at what he did, pointing to the world’s tiniest monitor with unbridled glee. I say this without hyperbole…this is my new favorite GIF in the history of this site. I plan on using it daily whenever anything goes my way. I suggest you all do the same.
And just when you think it cannot possibly get any better, the big guy starts pawing at his chest in the most bizarre manner you ever done seen. He then pats his belly as if to say ME HUNGRY! NEED FOOD! Todd points him in the direction of the commissary (!!!) and the big guy makes his way off screen. If we get him standing in line at the cafeteria, this site, nay this world, needs to end immediately as it will never be topped.
Oh and if you are wondering what else happened on this show, well, random Samoans wrestled (some things never change in this company)…
…we got a story about Brutus Beefcake…
…Razor Ramon squashed a geek…
…and evil Doink won a match with Typhoon by pulling Uncle Fred’s tights weiner. Probably a good thing I didn’t see this prior to meeting Mr. Ottman a few weeks back, it would have been my first question!
We go back to the studio, as Todd is sneaking around trying to see what’s happening with the big guy. Turns out he’s at a table eating by himself. Well, that’s kinda sad. Surely say Bruce Prichard didn’t have anything to do and could have given him some company.
A closer look reveals that Gonzalez has a full table filled with nothing but fruits and veggies. Well, no wonder he’s so big – he eats right! He leaps up to protect his spread from the oncoming threat of Pettengill, who wisely decides discretion is the better part of valor and kicks us out to the arena for another match, this one featuring…
…Tito Santana as El Matador! Anyone remember when Tito abandoned the flying jalapeno in favor of punching a guy in the back of the head? Because I sure don’t. I can only surmise that’s something that an actual bull fighter would do and thus Tito, being the type of guy who would put his heart and soul into whatever he did, determined that would be a legitimate finisher for pro wrestler and matador alike. Arriba?
Back in the studio, Pettengill works up his bravery, slowly moving toward the crazy Bigfoot man to offer him a soda. Gonzalez explains NO I DON’T WANT A SODA, but Todd pushes the issue and offers it AGAIN, which enrages the beast. I’ve done that with my wife before, asking the same dumb thing twice, and I’ve often gotten the same reaction, which similarly leads to me running away like a scared puppy.
So we get some more wrestling stuff that isn’t even in the same universe of greatness, such as a Hacksaw Jim Duggan promo…
…a Narcissist Lex Luger match…
…Hillbilly Jim actually winning a match (!!!!)…
…and Bret Hart giving a giant check to the Red Cross while Reverend Slick looks on either admirably or skeptically in the background. As shady as this company has been over the years, it could really go either direction. Who cares about that crap! Let’s get back to that rampaging giant in the studio!
And yes, just as it looks like Todd is free to wrap up the show, Gonzalez comes out of nowhere, looking for all the world like the Frankenstein monster crossed with a roided up baboon. So Todd runs for his life with the big guy in hot pursuit as the show quickly cuts off air. Was this the best WWF Mania of all time? Yes. Yes it was. I’ve been wrong calling this Crap all these years – we need more stuff like this in today’s wrestling!