Oh man, here we go again.
Time for another “guy dresses up as a woman, amuses no one” induction.
Can I just cut and paste the text from the Harvina induction and call it a night? Or Sammy? Or Cloudy?
After 11 years of writing inductions, I notice that a few of the same ideas wind up on the site over and over. Religious angles. Horrible movies starring wrestlers. Horrible movies about wrestling. One-off characters that never should have seen the light of day. And, of course, men in drag.
I seriously want to be in the next booking meeting where this idea is brought up. Why? Because when the schmuck who is pitching it says, “You know what would be great? A guy…now get this, try to folllow me here…a guy…dressed up as…”
I want to yell something like…
“A Peanut Buster Parfait!”
“An El Camino!”
Because I never, ever want to write another induction about a guy in drag again.
And I bet that George Steele dressed up as a kangaroo would have rocked.
Back story time, as best I can figure this out.
The Honky Tonk Man is in the midst of his legendary 14 month reign as Intercontinental champion. During this run he had everyone chasing him: Jake Roberts, Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, you name ’em, they all took a crack at the guy. And he’d always escape by the skin of his teeth, usually with the help of his manager, “Colonel” Jimmy Hart.
However, the catch was that sometimes Hart would get caught and thus banned from ringside. No matter to Honky, who would just have his girlfriend “Peggy Sue” accompany him instead. While this was usually Sherri Martel in a wig and poodle skirt, sometimes the role would be played by Hart instead.
Given the fact that Peggy’s face is completely covered here and is carrying around a megaphone, I wonder who it could be this evenin…
WAIT A MINUTE.
Who is this on commentary?
Sean Mooney, Lord Alfre Hayes, and Superstar Billy Graham?
OH MY GOD THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE!
.Honky’s foe this evening would be none other than Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, who apparently is going to have his girlfriend in his corner. Even if I hadn’t watched this already, I would not have liked where this was going.
Especially as the commentary team from the ninth circle of hell discusses how hot Brutus is and thus how hot his girlfriend must be.
If there’s one thing I never, ever needed to hear, it was Billy Graham talking about Brutus being “a good looking guy” and Sean Mooney salivating over, and I quote, “That tan…those muscles…”
I’d say “get a room, queeny” but that conjures up images that I really don’t think I would ever be able to shake.
Of course, since I just typed that, I’ve kinda just screwed myself.
But hey, at least you’re cursed forever along with me, picturing Sean Mooney fondling the tanned and muscled Brutus Beefcake, likely from behind.
At this point George Steele in drag will be a welcome sight.
And that’s what we get.
I know this much: it is “The Animal”.
And I am pretty sure he is supposed to be a woman.
Or a punk rocker, I’m not sure which.
What I am 100% sure of is that this announcing crew may be the death of me, as they discuss Georgia’s cleavage and how she needs to “mow that lawn.”
I seriously didn’t believe that anything could top me talking about Sean Mooney anally raping Brutus Beefcake above, butthis 15 second clip makes that line look tame in comparison.
Now because I know that is COMPLETELY OBSCURE, let me hop in the Wayback Machine and attempt to explain Mine to those of you who (luckily) had never heard of it.
It was basically a stuffed toy that looked like…well, nothing I’ve ever been able to figure out. Seriously, look at that thing and tell me what the hell it’s supposed to be.
Can’t be done.
George would carry it around in what had to have been a vain attempt to sell a few of these.
Had I started this website 25 years ago, I promise you, PROMISE YOU, that Mine would have been the very first Someone Bought This.
As we get about five minutes of stalling, Billy asks “How much wrestling do you think will get done here in this match?”
Prophetic man, that Billy Graham.
I’m putting the over under at 90 seconds.
Or the same amount of time WWE sees fit to allocate to putting Daniel Bryan on TV each week on Raw.
Remember kids – sometimes wrestling sucked back in the day, and sometimes it sucks now.
It just sucks in different ways.
But, just like now, there were some great things back in the day too.
Like fans counting to ten as a guys head was rammed into the turnbuckle repeatedly.
If ever there was something that needed to come back in wrestling, it’s that.
And comical selling, which Honky was the master of, as demonstrated here.
I could watch that for hours on end.
Instead, we get about four minutes of Honky Tonk getting beaten like rag doll, followed by the inevitable Peggy Sue interference…
…leading to Honky hitting Beefcake in the head with the megaphone and thus getting the pin.
“Georgia and Brutus were no match for the trickery of the Honky Tonk Man and Peggy Sue!”
Something else we need in wrestling today: TRICKERY.
And over the top Brit announcers with a “Lord” sub title calling it as such.
It all ends exactly as you’d suspect: with Peggy Sue getting undressed and being revealed as…three guesses?
Yep, Jimmy Hart.
Ok, I get wearing the wig as part of the disguise, but a bra seems a bit excessive.
I mean, seriously, the Colonel couldn’t be more than a 32A, right?
He could sure let those puppies free.
And here I am at the end, talking about Jimmy Hart’s mammary glands.
After talking about Sean Mooney mounting Brutus Beefcake.
And George Steele’s hairy cleavage.
Again I repeat:
THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE!