I’m sure I’ve mentioned it, but of late, I’ve been rather disillusioned with pro wrestling. WWE in particular feels amazingly bland to me; while I love to watch AJ Styles, everything else is just, for a lack of a better term, blah. Promos are generally awful, feeling as though they are written and performed for third graders; commentary is arguably the worst it has ever been; and the in-ring action, while arguably more athletic than perhaps I’ve ever seen, just seems…inconsequential. New characters aren’t connecting with me; if I never see another Baron Corbin match again, for instance, I’ll be a happy guy. Wins and losses mean nothing, and watching a three-hour Raw isn’t so much enjoyable as it is a war of attrition.
So I decided earlier this week to go back 10 years and see what WWE of a decade ago was like.
I got this.
Maybe watching Gallows and Anderson take on Enzo and Cass for the 45th straight week in a row wasn’t so bad after all. Heck, they can even shove that stupid commercial where Enzo is acting like he’s going to fornicate with a bucket of KFC down my throat again if they want.
It has to be better than this.
Seriously, where to even begin.
What? Are you here to plug your new book? The one where a WWE official told you that no one would find you attractive enough to sleep with (allegedly)?
Anyway, you’re just distracting me from the task at hand.
Should I start by attempting to explain that Hornswoggle wasn’t always known by that name, but was originally dubbed “Little Bastard”? Question: did that ever make it to an action figure status?
I know when Austin Powers had their line at Toys R Us, the character known as “Fat Bastard” somehow became “Fat Man.” I’d totally pay top dollar for a Hornswoggle figure listed as “Little Man.”
I’m far from a fan of JBL (and I cannot even fathom that we’ve been subjected to his horrible commentary for the last ten years), but it’s hard not to feel for the guy as he explains to the audience that Finlay’s small partner is a leprechaun, and that his parents were not named “Mr. & Mrs. Bastard.” Further, he has a fear of midgets. When Michael Cole says, “Listen to yourself” and you find your head nodding in agreement, you kinda know where we’re starting for this match.
It gets worse.
Seriously, I wrote that about a wrestler named “Little Bastard”, a midget with a fear of midgets, and I can somehow write “It gets worse” with no sense of hyperbole. How?
Because THIS guy is involved in the match as well. While newer readers may not know of the legendary Boogeyman, anyone who lived through his miraculous WWE run certainly does. But question for those of your who witnessed it in all its glory: how, precisely, would you even describe the guy?
Here’s my best attempt: “a gyrating muscle man who crawled out of the backstage area with a clock in his mouth, one which he smashed into his head. Also, he was one of the dirt worst guys in the ring you ever did see. Did I mention that he eats worms? Because he did! HA HA HA!”
Think you can do better? Give it a shot in the comments below and if anyone can top my synopsis, I’ll send you $10 Paypal. I may even offer you a job, who knows.
Amazingly, neither a dwarf with midgetphobia nor a clock smashing worm eater were the strangest (or stupidest, take your pick) entities in this match. No no. That would go to THIS MAN…
…Little Boogeyman! Yes, an incredibly, amazingly paunchy midget dressed up in his best Boogeyman garb. Someone thought this was a good idea. For the record, it wasn’t me. Still, looking at this screen grab brings me joy: you have the woman on the right who looks completely horrified; the guy in the white baseball hat completely gobsmacked; the dude over the midget’s right shoulder looking on lovingly; and the guy to his left, who is taking what is no doubt the first ever picture of the back of Little Boogeyman’s head with one of those old disposable film cameras.
My love for pro wrestling may have just been renewed.
To the actual match we go, and as was described, Little Bastard immediately hides under the ring, in abject fear of his equally diminutive competitor this evening. That or maybe he’d seen Boogeyman actually wrestle before and decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Can’t say as I blame him.
And poor Fit. Man, the guy does his best but working with this big stiff there’s just not a whole lot you can do. So he takes some awful looking chops and punches, a kick right in smack-dab in the face, and a body slam. Just when he has to think it cannot possibly get worse, Little Boogey decides to enter the fray.
And let me tell you, he makes Big Boogey look like the second coming of Ric Flair.
First, he gives us an Earthquake splash so horrible that I nearly didn’t even post it out of respect for my late friend John Tenta. I can only hope that as Quake is looking on from above he can at least chuckle sharing the same thought I have currently – that Little Boogey may have a full load in his trousers.
Now that I think about it, though, that’s not funny. That’s just gross. I can only imagine what a diaper full of worm feces would smell like.
Sorry, Quake. You deserve better.
Apparently Finlay feels the same, as he kicks the poor little creature in the head as hard as he possibly can. I’m not one to condone stiff shots like that, but, well, if I were to ever make an exception, this here just may be the case.
Next we get some “comedy”, as Finlay unleashes a pun-filled attack. We get a small package! A short arm clothesline! A short arm scissors! Are you laughing? You should be, because the announcers are telling us that they are having fun!
Speaking of, is there anything more asinine than when today’s horrible WWE commentary crew tells you they are having fun or the WWE Universe is having fun or that the guys in the ring are having fun?
Legit every time they say that I think to myself, “Do I REALLY have nothing better to do in this world than listen to people blatantly lie to me?”
So Finlay tosses Little Boogey as JBL gleefully cheers on what can only be considered as abject bullying. Whodathunkit. Once on the floor, Bastard drags Little Boogey under the ring. Finlay goes out to get him, looks under the ring, and…
…full sized Boogey emerges.
And I once more find myself asking if I have nothing better to do in this world.
Finlay takes his foe back into the ring for more horrendosity. You thought the chops and punches were bad before? You ain’t seen nothing yet. Boogey winds up trapped in the ropes, before emerging with this maneuver.
So yeah, if you ever wanted to know where Dean Ambrose came up with the WACKY LINE, that would be your answer. I can only assume that someone in WWE just figured this out and that’s why he’s in the doghouse now. That or they’re just ticked that someone they view as homely (Vince: “he’s no Jinder Mahal – that dude is JACKED!”) is married to Renee Young. Take your pick.
Eventually, Big Boogey chases the Bastard outside the ring. As much as he was afraid of little people, Bastard was apparently much more terrified of giant people, so he ran for the hills as fast as his tiny legs could carry him.
This distraction, however, was enough for Finlay to grab his stick and play Whack-a-Midget and KO Little Boogey for the pin. Again, I’m not one to approve of wanton violence, but if it ends this awful match, so be it. In fact, I dare say I could watch that 1.5 second loop for at least an hour straight.
Which is more than I could say for another Nia Jax match.
Congrats, 2007 – you just proved your superiority by way of one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know how that’s possible.
Oh wait, yes I do.