The three way love affair is nothing new to wrestling. It’s been done time and time again in the business, and every time it is, it usually takes this form:
A) Idiot babyface with a brain of a chimp takes a fancy to…
B) Wholesome, yet beautiful, valet of…
C) Asshole heel who treats B) like dirt
While it’s a simple storyline, that’s part of the beauty of it – anyone can follow it, and when it’s done well, anyone can get into it. In fact, it’s actually one of the better storylines going, because it involves both the women and the men in the crowd. The girls want to see the prick boyfriend get his ass kicked for treating the girl bad. The guys want to see the ugly Quasimodo-esque face get the girl, because they too want to believe that despite their own Quasimodo-esque looks, one day that might be able to catch a hot piece’s eye and hit that ass up.
Or something like that.
Anyhoo, the point here is that when this is done right, it can get folks into it. For evidence, I point out what is widely considered to be the best version of the angle ever: Randy Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele, with the lovely Elizabeth trapped in the middle as the grand prize.
Now let it be known: Savage and Steele had some bad matches. No, they had some HIDEOUSLY bad matches. And none of it mattered. It didn’t matter that these weren’t Flair-Steamboat, because it was the story that carried the bouts, and folks got into it. Why? Because there was a simple emotional investment that was made by those in the crowd.
Fast forward about eight years to WCW, and let’s take a look at an angle involving:
A) Idiot babyface with a brain of a chimp takes a fancy to…
B) Wholesome, yet beautiful, valet of…
C) Asshole heel who treats B) like dirt
In reverse alphabetical order, C) would be portrayed by “Diamond” Dallas Page, B) being handled by Kimberly Page (known then simply as “The Diamond Doll”), and A) taking the form of Evad Sullivan.
Now most of your Crappers probably don’t even remember Evad Sullivan. Hell, even I had forgotten about him, which says a lot since I had actually written an entire induction on him back in the day (*SHILL ALERT* which is available on the WrestleCrap Archive DVD *SHILL ALERT*). To sum up, the guy was originally known as Dave Sullivan, the simpleton ‘brother’ of the vile and short Kevin Sullivan. However, Dave didn’t just have a heart of gold; he also had the brain of a chimp (see, it all fits!), with the gimmick being that he was dyslexic. Yes, he was DYSLEXIC, so dyslexic in fact, that the poor bastard couldn’t even spell his name right. And thus Dave became Evad.
That handles Dave, but hey…what was DDP up to at the time?
Glad you asked, because it was almost as dumb as having a wrestler so handicapped he couldn’t even spell his own name. See, DDP had, and I am just quoting WCW here, “THE WINNING STREAK OF A LIFETME”, racking up winnings to the tune of $13 Million Dollars.
No joke – just look at his GIANT NOVELTY CHECK (which looks to have been scribbled together by a group of fifth graders)!
Soon enough, he was blowing through all his cash, getting the fanciest cars…
…and, uhh, hats…
…and whatever the hell that thing was.
He would continue on his winning ways, becoming the arm wrestling champion of WCW, which, in the grand scheme of things back then, was like three steps up the championship hierarchy from being the guy with the BIG GOLD BELT.
And before you email, yes – that was an actual championship back in the day in WCW. And yes, it was called, and I quote, “THE BIG GOLD BELT.”
That WCW…thems were some booking geniuses, I tells ya.
So DDP is on such a roll that he began mocking opponents, going so far as to put up a date with Kimberly to anyone who might be able to put his arm down for the count.
And who should step to the plate to take on this challenge, but George “The Animal” Steele Evad Sullivan?
And low and behold…he won!
Cut to Kimberly, who is made up so much to look like Elizabeth that I’d be willing to bet she picked up her outfits at the Hewitt family garage sale on her weekends off.
Of course, DDP wasn’t about to just roll over and let Evad take his bitch out, so he and Max Muscle (now there’s a name that needs to come back) beat the crap out of him, sending him back to his Hulkamania bedroom.
Oh jeez…I had almost forgotten about that part of the Evad gimmick.
See, in addition to be a dork, he was also “the world’s biggest Hulkamaniac.”
I’d make a joke about how fitting it was for “the world’s biggest Hulkamaniac” to be, in fact, a dork, but we’re above that here at the Crap.
So while he was recuperating from this devastating injury, who should show up bearing gifts but Kimberly.
The gift in question: a cute little bunny named Ralph.
You know that sound everyone made when the Olsen twins would show up on Full House back in the day?
I think that’s what WCW was going for here.
Instead, the reaction was more like this.
So Dave trained, said his prayers, ate his vitamins, yadda yadda yadda. I guess if I was going out with Kimberly Page, I’d train my ass off too.
You know, just in case she had a penchant for banging Hulk Hogan obsessed dyslexic idiots.
Off to dinner the pair goes. Orders are placed, google eyes are exchanged. And then who should appear but…
…some guy in a rabbit suit. I think it actually may have been Disco Inferno, come to think of it.
Now that’s a date!
Anyway, our hippity hoppity messenger has something to tell Evad: he’s eating Ralph the Rabbit stew!
Only one reaction for that.
After that, there seemed only one possible outcome to this feud: Evad getting his paws on DDP and making him pay!
Of course, this being WCW, that didn’t happen, and instead, DDP pinned him clean as a sheet.
Oh yeah, then he stuck his crotch in his face.
Again, only one reaction for that.
After that, Evad pretty much vanished from the scene, while DDP went onto win a bunch of world titles. And more importantly, of course, kept banging Kimberly, no doubt six times a day or more (hey, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance).
No wonder he needs this these days!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Vomiting – with RAGE!
Disco Rabbit: “Roses are red, violets are blue, Diamond Dallas, says enjoy the rabbit stew.”