Eric Young’s Christmas Party

Eric Young's Christmas Party

Usually I like to spend the first couple hundred words laying the ground work for an induction, especially during Christmas time. I mean, it’s my favorite time of the year and I love to wax philosophical about snow and decorations and Little Debbie North Pole Nutty Bars and all that jazz.

But seriously, look at that. This is the text that opened the December 20, 2007 episode of Impact Wrestling. Tell me with a straight face that any eleven words in the English language could get you more excited!


That sounds like magic right there. So no more introductory blah blah, instead let’s cannonball straight down the chimney!

ic2007-02And that chimney is right inside…well, it’s not the Impact Zone. I think it may be someone’s house. I’d love to think it’s Dixie Carter’s, but in my mind’s eye that particular dwelling is filled with various quilts that look like confederate flags and none are on display here. What is fully visible are a random assortment of presents, garland, a giant Christmas tree, and a pair of skanks of whom I have zero recollection. On top of that, we get Eric Young and Jeremy Borash, both apparently attempting to outdork each other in their outfits. While on initial blush, Eric’s elf ensemble seems to be something that can’t be topped, upon further review Jeremy’s tuxedo jacket and jean getup gives it a run for its money.

Long story long – if all this doesn’t get you yearning for some (spiked) eggnog, I don’t know what would.

So the doorbell rings and Eric exclaims “It’s Santa!” Get used to hearing that, as over the course of the next two hours, he says it approximately 737 times. And in every instance, HILARITY ABOUNDS!

Actually it doesn’t. Sorry.

Unless you think fat hillbillies are hilarious. In that case we’ve got you covered, as we first and foremost meet Eric’s family!


First up are his cousins, Bruno and Tilly! Bedecked in overalls and looking like every inbred yokel you’ve ever seen, they’ve plopped themselves down on the sofa, scarfing down turkey and mashed taters and making a general mess of the entire scene. As I watched this, all I could do is harken back to that ancient Saturday Night’s Main Event skit wherein Uncle Elmer ate fried pig parts before a weigh in.


Surely I’m not the only one who remembers this.

Seriously, it’s the exact same thing. Well, save for the fact that the WWF of 1986 had the good sense to cover Elmer’s flabby chesticles with a shirt.

Next up, let’s meet Eric’s sister…


…Kimberly the Monkey Girl! I don’t blame you for thinking that TNA probably just had the chick stroking a toy chimp, but no! This is TNA! And the company spared no expense and brought a REAL LIFE MONKEY to the set.


At least I THINK it’s a monkey.

I can vouch it’s definitely a live animal of some sort; it was wiggling and squirming, looking far more realistic than even those Furreal critters that warrant four stars over on Amazon. So I do believe it’s a legit, honest to goodness, beast. Still, to be fair, it kinda looks more like a ferret or something. I won’t lie, I am not good with animals. I blame it on never getting one of these for Christmas.

Now just when you were about to say, “Well, whatever they paid to bring in whatever that was sure was a waste of money”, the doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!”, he opens it and we get…



Eric exclaims that this man is his Uncle Leo, and then proceeds to traipse around the living room doing the Bushwaker Walk. Remember at the Hall of Fame a couple years ago when Luke and Butch kept getting various WWE personalities to do that and most of them did it and looked like complete morons?

They ain’t got nothing on Jeremy in this clip.


Apparently doing that particular move requires a level of dexterity I never accounted for. Holy smokes.

The walking done, Eric begins to look around the room suspiciously. “The guy in the red suspenders, he’s been looking at me! Do you guys know him?”


Yeah. A stuffed reindeer.

Remember what I said above?

Did you think I was lying?

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…the jolly fat man’s helpers show up instead in the form of The Beautiful People, Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. These wholesome young ladies explain to Eric they are here to, and I am just quoting, “service the guests”. Eric is thrilled by this, thinking they can help give out milk and cookies. As the girls shake their heads, Eric shrugs them off and sends them over to Bruno and Tilly.

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…in comes ODB, chugging from her flask and slapping her boobies, all whilst wearing the most absurd elf costume ever. Eric asks if she will service the guests, to which she replies, “What do I look like? A slut?!”

Yeah, who’d have ever thought that of the virtuous ODB?

Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…in comes Awesome Kong who looks less than enthused bearing witness to all this. Join the club, kid.

On the plus side, she beats the crap out of Bruno and Tilly, which was one of the things I was going to ask Santa for this Christmas. Thanks, Kharma!

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…in walks Santa!

No wait, that’s Kevin Nash. You can understand my confusion with the hair and the snow white beard. Anyway, as the girls excitedly run to him, fondling all his geezerly sexiness, Eric excitedly explains to Diesel that Santa’s coming.

Nash: “He ain’t the only one, buddy!”

I’d say “that there’s a knee slapper!”, but I’m afraid if Nash did that he may blow out a quad or something.

Eric of course, doesn’t get the joke, quizzing Nash, “What does that mean?”

ODB answers by bellowing out “SLUTS!”


…which leads to a fight which I’ve already inducted.

If you didn’t click on the link to enjoy that particular write up, all I can say is that by skipping it, you are missing out on THIS MAN:

Not sure there’s much else I can do to convince you. Especially when the next sentence I am going to write is…

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…Kurt and Karen Angle show up and Melekalikmakalookatthatoutfit. I think when Mary jumped in Clark’s pool she was wearing more than that.

Eric notes that while Kurt isn’t Santa, maybe he can help out like Velvet and Angelina are, going so far as to ask if Kurt can service him. A bewildered Kurt asks Eric the same question you would in that situation: “What are you, a cupcake?”


Naturally, this leads to more “servicing” comedy. You know, because that joke was so hahalarious the first twelve times we heard it.

So Kurt pulls Eric aside and explains to him that there is no Santa. Eric laughs him off, and somehow coming to the conclusion that Shrek and Spiderman must also be in on the act.

“Where’s the booze?” exclaims Karen. Right there with you, sister, especially as…

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…we get Chris Harris! Yes, a young Braden Walker has arrived! Sadly we get zero knock-knock jokes, instead complaints that this isn’t a real party, noting “There ain’t no music, there ain’t no women!” What about the monkey girl? Anyway, he bemoans the fact there are no presents for him, despite the fact it’s his birthday. Eric tells us it’s someone else’s birthday on December 25. “JC,” he notes.

“Jim Cornette has a birthday on Christmas?” asks Harris. “Who’s he ever beat?”

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


Yeah. Midgets.

To be exact these would be the Midget City Machine Guns who were out earlier in the show in a DOUBLE NORTH POLE MATCH in which grown men attempted to win a match by climbing up extended turnbuckles covered with blow mold Santas.


I know it sounds horrible, but trust me, it ain’t nowhere near as bad as this party.

Because that match? It didn’t feature midgets bouncing on couches.


Someone must have been a fan of the WWE Junior division.

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…

ic2007-20…this guy shows up. And I am as confused who it is as Eric apparently is.

Wait, that’s Sonjay Dutt, right?

Whatever happened to that guy?

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


…SoCalVal hits the scene. Man I tell you, if there’s ever been a woman that’s baffled me more in pro wrestling on the “is she hot or is she not”, I’m not sure who it would be.

It’s not just me right?

Can someone give me a definitive answer as to if I should or should not find this woman attractive? I really need to know.


Anyway, she is bringing the mistletoe, and Black Machismo (that’d be Jay Lethal in a dead on Randy Savage impersonation) heads in only to be beaten to the smooch by who I can now confirm is Sonjay Dutt, because I remember that amazing storyline. It was like Randy Savage and Elizabeth, except I know for a fact that SoCal is nowhere near as attractive as Elizabeth.

Especially not WCW Liz. But we all know this.

I’m really sorry I need to do this but…well…one last time…

The doorbell rings, Eric screams “It’s Santa!” and…


Samoa Joe shows up and is furious all the money being spent on this party is not insteady is not being put toward a new contract for him. Just as he is about to completely blow a gasket, he is overtaken by the Christmas spirit and apologizes to everyone.

And yeah, you know what comes next.


Thanks, Joe.

I’ve never been your biggest fan, but well, I am now.


With Christmas seemingly obliterated, dress jacket & jeans Jeremy attempts to console Eric. It’s to no avail…having seen his party come crashing down around him, Eric looks to have totally given up.

But just when all is lost, hope walks through the door…



Never has a TNA logo been more appropriate.

As for the rest of this show? Well, we got that stupid women’s match and Silent Night, Bloody Night, which contained the infamous BARBED WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE.

But you know what? I’m nothing if not a fair man, and I will note the night ended with a guy you may have heard of. In fact, he’s the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion:

AJ Styles.

As anyone who has seen AJ lately can attest to, he’s a great professional wrestler, in my mind the best one on the planet at the moment. So what did TNA do with him?


They dressed him up as a reindeer.

To paraphrase Clark Griswold: “Hallelujah, holy TNA, where’s the Tylenol?”

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