Eric Bischoff Versus…Wait, Is This a Typo? TERRY FUNK???!!!

Eric Bischoff

When one thinks of the legendary career of Terry Funk, memories of incredible matches come flooding into the mind. He had classic battles with Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Stan Hansen, Jerry Lawler…the list goes on and on. Heck, he even had a pretty amazing showdown with Hulk Hogan of all people on an early Saturday Night’s Main Event! Y’all remember that one right? If not, go watch it and thank me later. Because believe me, it’s better than what we’re about to cover today as the Funker takes on your pal and mine, Eric Bischoff.

Really. This is a match that actually happened in the existence of our universe. As you likely know, I would often applaud WCW for giving us weird matches you’d never expect to see on Nitro, and we got a lot of those over the years. Do you remember when Hogan and Mike Awesome had a match? Or when Tank Abbot wrestled Haku? How about when Steve Williams and that guy from the band The Misifts battled in the confines of a steel cage? That was kinda Nitro‘s calling card – you never knew what match from the random wackadoo generator you might get any given Monday evening.

And there is match was a title match, no less! Yes yes, during the dying days of WCW Terry Funk was the Hardcore Champion. THREE TIMES I should add. Now you newer folk may ask what a “hardcore champion” even is, perhaps questioning if it was something lewd. It was, but not in that way you pervs. No, a hardcore title existed just so guys could hit each other with garbage cans and stop signs and whatever other dumb things they could find lying around, and the best guy to do so was somehow a champion of the world.

I blame them for giving Jon Moxley stupid ideas like this twenty years later.

Anyway, Bischoff comes to the ring but he’s not alone, as tagging along with him is Ernest “The Cat” Miller. Always thought he kinda sucked, but him attacking Funk at the bell with a cartwheel is something to behold. I mean, no one in the crowd seemed to care at all (you could have heard a pin drop), but I thought it was neat. See, I’m a fair guy – I said something nice about ERNEST MILLER!

We get some karate antics next, with Bischoff wielding his nunchucks in a manner that would make Hong Kong Phooey proud. He then gets hit in the head and takes a pratfall that would make Jack Tripper proud. Not sure why I am stuck in the 1970s tonight, but y’all gonna have to deal with me.

So Cat drags Eric out of the ring and they head up the ramp with Funk in pursuit. At first, I thought that was simply the end of the match and you can’t blame me for thinking that as this is the same company where Brian Knobbs once got counted out in a falls count anywhere match. Have I ever mentioned how much I miss WCW?

We cut to the announce crew as poor Tony Schiavone is losing his ever lovin’ mind. He tells us that maybe they’re supposed to be stalling for time or plugging something called WCW Reload (what on earth was THAT?) or who knows what. This poor guy. If anyone ever deserved a twilight run in this stupid business, it’s Tony after dealing with all the numbskulls during the 1990s.

So Stacy Keibler comes out and starts sucking on a lollipop and dancing because, well, why not I guess. I have to imagine that old woman smack dab in the center of the front row was going to give her husband the what for on the way back home as she does NOT look happy with the shenanigans taking place in the ring.

She is interrupted by Kimberly Page and what may be the worst theme music I’ve ever heard (well, that isn’t Nick Wayne’s current AEW entrance track). Kim was a smoke show for sure, but I heard that and immediately found her to be completely repulsive. Anyway, she hits Stacy with a clipboard and leaves, only for Stacy to tell her to get her “fat @$$” back in the ring.

For reference, this was the exact camera shot when these words were said.

So she goes to leave and as she does so, the Bischoff-Funk match just kinda sorta randomly resumes, with Eric being thrown into a wheelbarrow and rolled back to the ring, apparently falling asleep and blabbering gibberish on his way there. I’ve said for years that Eric was a great in-ring performer, but no idea what on earth he was trying for there.

At this point, Funk is firmly in control, DDT’ing Eric on to a chair. Or at least that was the idea.

Cut to the back, where my future Batman podcast partner Vince Russo is losing his mind over what he’s seeing. He tells his men to get out there and end this. I believe he said their names were Johnny and Skull. Or maybe it was Skoal? Has there ever been a chewing tobacco sponsor in pro wrestling? That seems like a natural.

Before Russos flunkies can get there, though, Funk says that he wants to show Eric his “wrinkled @$$”. In fact, he’s going to give him a BIRDS EYE VIEW!

And he means it, as we see Terry Funk literally DROP HIS PANTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!

Not a moment too soon, Russo’s boys hit the ring and attack Funk, putting a trash can lid over his groin and then smacking it with a kendo stick. Maybe it’s just me, but if someone was going to cane me in the yambag, I’d prefer to have a trash can lid over it. Protection you know.

They drag Bischoff’s prone carcass over and lay him on top of Funk, giving him the prestigious hardcore championship. Say what you will about these ridiculous Russo-booked shows, but they sure weren’t boring. Stupid? Absolutely. Boring? Never!

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