As Halloween approaches, we tend to gravitate to those things that make the season special. For some of you that might be watching Linus hang out in the pumpkin patch, eating bags full of candy, or carving up a pumpkin. Everybody has their different things, but if you were around starting in the late 1980’s, for sure Elvira would be on the list. For years she has been October 31st’s sexy mistress, popping up in everything from movies to beer commercials to awesome pinball machines (still to this day, they just made a new one a couple years ago!) and everything else in between.
Heck, she even turned Sid Vicious into a literal Frankenstein’s monster in one of my favorite moments in WCW’s entire run! Not only was she in the Turner wrestling empire, but she was also featured as commentator with Jesse Ventura on the west coast feed of WrestleMania 2. With such a background, it kinda makes sense she would eventually jump into the squared circle herself. And sure enough she did…just not in the traditional sense.
No, her in-ring escapades instead took place in a comic book, issue 21 to be exact of Claypool Comics’ Elvira: Mistress of the Dark from January of 1995 to be exact. Will Elvira be able to conquer the world of pro wrestling or will it devour her like a monster from her old Movie Macabre television show? One way to find out!
Entitled “Down for the Count”, you may be disappointed to see it’s not in full color but rather in straight up black and white. I was at first too, but I soon got past that as the art is pretty darn fantastic and our girl looks absolutely divine. In our story, Elvira is hosting her television show, this week with a double feature of Ma & Pa Bottle Meet the Vile Dead and Oliver Groan’s Mister Ed. The titular pony tells us that they will be covering not only the JFK assassination, but dinosaur conspiracies as well. “Sure, you’ve seen talking horse movies before, but none as gripping as this!” Elvira promises.
Unfortunately some pervy wrestlers (including Dr. Mondo, a pro wrestling dentist who debuted here a good six months before Isaac Yankem did in the WWF) show up on the set and disrupt things, going so far as to ask Elvira to lose the dress and give them, and I am just quoting here, a “real double feature”. Our heroine is naturally appalled by such a notion and shows ’em the door! She’s a classy lady!
A classy lady we now see taking a shower, just like I noted in our click baity slide on the front page! Upon finishing cleaning up, she learns her signature gowns have gone missing, and thus has no choice but to dress up in a literal potato sack. I promise that guy in the mask (“where are your hands?” I hear Blade Braxton asking) is way creepier than anything in the featured presentation for this evening, Ernest Goes to Hell.
Elvira warns them they’ve not only picked on the wrong woman, they’re now embroiled in an honest-to-goodness FEUD!! Deciding to channel her inner Bobby Heenan, she plots to create her own wrestling stable…call the local gyms, Pierce, Elvira has some auditions to supervise!
We get some fine candidates such as the Mortician and Artie Antichrist (straight outta south Boston – home of the Patriots, that checks out), but Elvira isn’t impressed. Amazingly, the Steroid Warrior (who looks awfully familiar, don’t he?) also gets turned down. Finally, she determines that Bruiser BRADY, who hails from Primitive State University, is the guy for her. Which is too bad, as I really thought the love child of Mark Calloway and Blackjack Mulligan had real potential.
We now meet our announce crew, Dave Seltzer and Wade Water. Waitaminute…Dave SELTZER? I’ve been saying it wrong all these years? No wonder he never answered!
MRS. DEAL…GET DAVE SELTZER ON THE LINE!
Unfortunately for Elvira, no one seems to be giving Brady much of a chance. And it looks like it’s about to get far worse, as the champion, Lobo Loco has decided to kick things off with his finishing move, which is also a gypsy curse…the FULL MOON SHIFT!
Sure enough, Brady goes flying out of the ring, flat on his back and down for the count. And yes, in case you were confused, that dude there just turned into a werewolf! You’d think Elvira of all people would have better scouted for such a creature.
Wurewilf? You’re right – that is absolutely fascinating!
With Bruiser in the hospital, Roz attempts to maintain order at the station. Things have gotten so bad she’s had to hire children to answer all the calls! She demands a rematch, but that’s a no go with Brady in traction. Therefore, the decision is made that there’s only one way to keep the feud going – it’s time for Elvira to get in the ring herself. She balks, but Roz says she has the perfect trainer…
…Skull Nakano! I will give the writers here mad props, as it is very apparent they were actually huge fans of pro wrestling. Bull, errr, make that SKULL, educates Elvira that she needs to learn how to properly take a fall, and that her BUTT (and not her, boobs) is her best asset here. Don’t blame me, I am just reporting what’s written here.
Nakano also trains her in the ways of foreign objects, explaining that while metal chairs on the surface appear to be weapon of choice, in practice a wooden chair is better. After all, you may be able to give your foe a splinter! Checks out.
The bell rings (as signified by a DING! graphic!), and Elvira uncorks her first trick of the match: a blow torch. Serious question, has anyone ever used one of those IRL before? I have to believe a garbage wrestling promotion somewhere would do something idiotic like that.
Despite this clever tactic, the match is thrown out and Elvira is disqualified. Yes, apparently in the rulebook, werewolves are not forbidden but flamethrowers are. Anyone have a wrestling rule book lying around so we can cross check that? No? Mrs. Deal, get Dave Seltzer on the…wait, I already made that joke. Sorry.
So we get another encounter, this time with Elvira attempting to gas her opponent by running for fifty-five minutes straight. For the record, I would very much like to see video of that. I can’t be the only one. Finally, the Mistress of the Dark flies off the top rope with the championship belt in hand…
…and KO’s her foe for the win. You wouldn’t think that would be enough to do the trick, but she is fighting a werewolf and that there belt is…oh yes…SILVER PLATED.
And with that, I bid you all a very happy Halloween. Better yet here’s our new world champion to wish you that as well: