You know what I love? You know what really makes me laugh? The folks who point to the WWE Hall of Fame as if it’s some legitimate entity that really decides who the best in the business are. I can’t even fathom there are people in this world who really believe that this sham is legtitimate.
Earth to nerds:
IT’S A MARKETING PLOY.
IT IS NOTHING ELSE.
Need evidence of this? Let’s take a look at just who, precisely, is in the WWE Hall of Fame:
– JAMES DUDLEY: Drove a limo for Vince McMahon Senior
– PETE ROSE: Chokeslammed by Kane at multiple WrestleManias
– WILLIAM “THE REFRIGERATOR” PERRY: Thrown out of WrestleMania 2 battle royal
– BOB UECKER: Once mock strangled by Andre the Giant
Ok, that was actually pretty good.
The point is, though, that this ‘honor’ has nothing to do with pro wrestling. In fact, you’re not even allowed to call it a wrestling hall of fame. From the latest Wrestling Observer Newsletter:
TV Week wrote on 3/16 a three graph story headlined “Drew Carey Inducted Into Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame…Shortly after that story was published, Kellie Baldyga, a WWE publicist, demanded that they correct the headline. She wanted the word pro wrestling out of the headline. “We are no longer a wrestling company but rather a global entertainment company with a movie studio, international licensing deals, publisher of three magazines, consumer goods distributor and more.” … So the writer, Chuck Ross, e-mailed Baldyga, saying he would call her the next day. He gets back an e-mail saying, “Chuck, did you mean to call me today? I apologize but I really need the correction made sooner than later if possible.” Anyway, they had a conversation, where Ross mentioned that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with the headline and noted the WWE’s press release stated he “established his place in WWE history as a surprise entrant in the 2001 Royal Rumble.” He noted the 2001 Royal Rumble was a pro wrestling event. Baldyga responded, “No, we don’t do wrestling events. They’re entertainment. And we don’t call them wrestlers. They’re superstars and Divas.” Ross wrote: “I’m thinking to myself, is she kidding me? Is this woman mad? The company’s official name is World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. It’s crown jewel is an event called WrestleMania…”: He responded, “I really don’t have time for this. WWE presents wrestling events. I’m not going to change the headline or anything in the item. If you’d like, I’ll just remove it.” And she responded, “Remove it.”
There you have it, kids, everything you ever needed to know about this so called Hall of Fame.
And what of Drew Carey, you ask? What did he do to deserve such an honor?
He wrestled at the 2001 Royal Rumble.
No wait, he entertained at the 2001 Royal Rumble.
Actually, he didn’t entertain, either.
Still, it all started innocently enough – Drew wandered backstage at the Rumble and ran into, who else, Triple and Nipple H. You’d think these two nefarious heels would have no time for a doughy comedian, but you’d be wrong, as they yukked it up with him like he was a long-lost friend.
Well, until he said he wasn’t looking for them – he was actually there to plug his upcoming comedy show, and therefore he was looking for Vince, who he claimed was “the master of PPV.”
You can totally tell this took place in 2001 – if it were happening today and Drew was looking for a PPV genius, he’d have Dana White’s number on speed dial.
Anyhoo, this of course infurtiated Steph who said Drew should go see her arch nemesis, which would at this time be…
…Trish Stratus, complete with her massive jugs overflowing from a decidedly non-PG outfit. Drew rightfully oogles here and then begins hitting on her using a pick up line I wish I’d have known back in my single days: “I have two network shows!”
I bet even I coulda got laid nightly using that one.
Oh, and to all you buffoons out there who say brunette Trish > blonde Trish, the image to our right proves you wrong.
Of course, Trish blows him…
…OFF, that is.
She explains that she is in a relationship with Vince, who shows up and is none too pleased that Drew is with his woman.
But Vince comes with an idea so fantastic that it makes him grab his own breasts: why not have Drew enter the Royal Rumble?
It takes a bit of convincing, but finally Drew decides, sure, why not? If David Arquette can be a champion, why not me?
Problem: he doesn’t have an outfit to wear to the ring.
Solution: have HARVEY WHIPPLEMAN show up with one for him.
I hope it’s an old Well Dunn getup that Harv had stashed in his closet!
Hanging out backstage, Drew runs into Kane, who completely blows him.
Jeez, what is it with you guys?
I should also note that at this time Kane was still a scary dude wearing a mask.
Anyone remember the huge months-long build up for Kane losing that mask?
Yeah, I need to induct that some time.
What a waste.
So the Rumble starts, and about half way through the buzzer sounds and out comes Drew in some horrible track suit.
ME WANT WELL DUNN DREW CAREY!
As he enters the ring, Matt and Jeff Hardy are pummeling each other like two fiends going after a stash of weed.
Note I said LIKE two fiends going after a stash of weed.
I don’t know that they WERE actually going after weed.
I also don’t know they weren’t.
I do know that they tumbled to the floor following a move where it looked like Matt was trying to suplex Jeff over the turnbuckle to the floor, which begs the question: had Matt actually hit the move, wouldn’t he have fallen to the floor too?
What a doofus.
Drew hops up on the ropes and begins laughing and pointing at the goofs on the mats.
Can’t say I blame him.
Drew celebrates in the ring as the timer counts down and we get…
We can only hope that Pete Rose smartened Drew up before the match!
At this point, Drew realizes he’s in a big ol’ heap of trouble and begins begging the officials to help.
How ’bout a hand shake?
Ok, how about a little cash?
And when I say “little”, I mean it – the guy offered Kane like $10.
Suddenly Matt Hardy isn’t the biggest idiot in the match.
One handful of turkey neck later, it seems that Drew’s fate is sealed.
But then…RANDOM BIRD SOUNDS FILL THE ARENA!
What the hell?
Oh yeah, that’s right – it’s Raven with arguably the stupidest entrance music of the new millenium.
I mean, really, SQUAWK SQUAWK?
Did Vince think Scott Levy worked at a bird sanctuary?
Thankfully for Drew, this worked as enough of a distraction for him to leap out of the ring to safety.
A few high fives to fans, and we’d never see Drew in WWE again.
Until, of course, his WWE Hall of Fame induction.
So for all you young up and comers with dreams of one day being a WWE Hall of Famer, just remember: if you are famous, you really only need to be in the ring for a couple minutes tops.
It ain’t wrestling, kids – it’s entertainment!
Even when it isn’t entertaining.