I am SUCH a fan of Roddy Piper. Seriously, he’s one of my all-time favorites. Superb on the mic and always fun to watch. It’s this engaging charisma that came to the attention of movie director John Carpenter, who cast Roddy as the lead in his political sci-fi movie They Live in 1987, which is now a cult classic.
Roddy is one of those wrestlers, much like The Rock (who seems to disavow his wrestling past nowadays), whose personality is taylor-made for the cinema. Roddy can act convincing in front of a camera, there’s no doubts about that. However unlike Dwayne Johnson, his work in films always seems to boil down to direct-to-DVD or theatrical movie in very limited release. It’s a true shame because Roddy deserves better roles in legit movies with a budget over fifty bucks.
Let’s take a look at one of these wretched flicks that Roddy has graced with his presence.
But FIRST we have previews!
One of a movie called The Black Scorpion. Don’t get your hopes up – it’s not THAT Black Scorpion.
Too bad, just imagine such a thing. I’m thinking Lorenzo Lamas as Sting and Leslie Nielsen as Ric Flair.
Ooh how I wish that angle was made into a movie, like in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when Pee Wee was played by James Brolin and Morgan Fairchild was his girlfriend.
No, “The Black Scorpion” here is not Sting’s former tag partner but a female crime-fighter played by Joan Severance, who coincidentally played Hulk Hogan’s love interest in I. No matter where we go, we are separated by a few degrees of Wrestlecrap.
Even if Joan doesn’t turn audience members into tigers, I have little doubt Blade would be thrilled with this film, as the villain appears to be the lovechild of Skeletor and a Cylon Commander from the old Battlestar Galactica.
And a preview for another flick called Battle Queen 2020 with B…no C…no D-movie mega star Julie Strain.
Is it just me or do all the “ass-kicking” women from the future wear as little clothes as possible? And then they get offended when guys look at them and drool.
Wow, my species is bi-polar.
Anyhoo, I hope you got your Milk Duds at the ready – it’s now time for our feature presentation.
And we’re off to a rousing start with a shot of a CGI satellite in outer space being blown up, which ate up about 90% of the budget, I’m sure. While a raspy-voiced narrator tells us, “Some lessons are hard-learned. These things begin as they always do. A wrong look, a slight, then hatred rained down by the bucketful. A story as old as time.”
Yes, that same old enduring story of hastily-rushed-into-production low-budget with has-been actors in bad future apocalypse movies.
Our Hero is a goateed broody man named “Dakota”, played by The Soul Man himself, Mr. C. Thomas Howell.
Judging from his name, he is not a precocious exploited child star, but an assassin or “shepherd” that knocks off bald, toothless unwashed rejects from The Hills Have Eyes and the Mad Max movies.
t took me awhile to understand what the Hell was going on but apparently, the human race has been run underground and now all religions are competing with each other for followers….or something.
Don’t worry, there is absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story.
Here Our Hero puts on sunglasses to reminisce about the good times where he, his wife and son would spin each other around in a human centrifuge in a bad holographic blue screen effect til they threw up.
In the words of “Diamond Dave”: Good times.
Damn good times.
Our Hero goes to a seedy nightclub that somehow always manages to survive the apocalypse and–oh dear, is that David Carradine with Stubby in drag – and dressed as Marlena?
I believe it is!
Now where was I?
Oh yeah, right – Our Hero goes to the seedy nightclub to wonder if David blew all the Kung Fu royalty checks on booze and drugs and to mack with a random slut. Nothing takes you right into a movie quite like the legendary David Carradine drunk off his ass talking to a puppet and the sight of The Soul Man’s pasty white ass cheeks as he porks a Janet Jackson backup dancer.
Thank you, Movie.
I needed to see that.
Anyways, some guy who works with Our Hero, I’ll call him Sgt. Beret Wearer, gives Our Hero a picture of….Agent Scully? and orders him to shoot her dead because he thought the X-Files movie sequel was unnecessary. Alright, I might’ve made that last part up, but it’s way more plausible and interesting than the reason we find out later.
At first he refuses but then after a bit of “come on! come on, dude!” prodding, Our Hero agrees.
Well that was easy.
HEY!! There’s Roddy!!
I forgot he was in this movie!!
Which also led me to wonder why the hell I was watching it.
Apparently, Roddy is the head of a church called “The Church of Miles”, named after himself (and why not? That’s cutting right to the heart of the matter). I personally would’ve gone with “St. Hot Rod of Glasgow, Canada” but he’s the star here, not me.
Roddy goes on tv and preaches about evil doers and Hellfire and brimstone in order to get more people into his church…and I guess he doubles as Our Hero and Sgt. Beret Wearer’s holy boss of putting out hits on people that left his church, which includes Agent Scully.
Before you scoff at Roddy the Evil Preacher, give him a chance:
“The Lord works in mysterious ways”
I dunno about you but if Rowdy Roddy Piper preached in church, I bet attendance would sky rocket with folks wanting to see Roddy beat the crap outta someone while reciting the scriptures.
Our Hero finds Agent Scully coming out of a “church” (really just a room with a crucifix and candles in it) and her young son Abe, who looks like a miniature Moe Howard. Aww, he’s so cute.
And he’s also about to be deceased, as Our Hero is about to shoot them both. At the last second, though, he has a change of heart and saves them from other “shepherds” that try to kill them.
This random act of kindness somehow leads to a thrilling high speed (5 mph) chase on those floor buffer bumper cars. I think we’re supposed to be horrified, but that actually looks kind of fun.
Agent Scully explains that her young son Moe Jr. cannot speak because seeing his father’s head put in a vice while his chubbier bald brother and small frizzy-haired friend kicked him in the butt while calling him a “spinach chin” traumatized him.
Don’t ask me – it didn’t list “Triple Kelly” as the screenwriter.
There is a hint of smoldering plot device-driven sexual tension in the air between The Soul Man and Agent Scully.
But it could just be gas.
This vague indifference is unbearable as Agent Scully with Moe. Jr and Our Hero decide to go their separate ways, leaving Dakota to find David Carradine and Stubby Marlena in a run down hotel.
Our Hero shares a mickied (not Mickie Jamesed) drink with Carradine, which causes him to faint and hallucinate making love to his wife while Carradine controls Stubby into stroking his forehead…
And then decides to STRANGLE HIM!
I’m quite sure Quentin Tarantino saw David just flush any shred of legacy and dignity down the toilet and came to his rescue by casting him in Kill Bill.
Bless you, Mr. Tarantino.
And somewhere along the way there’s a rival cult leader named Sofia who dresses like an escapee from the movie Heavy Metal. She’s supposed to be Reverend Roddy’s nemesis but she doesn’t DO ANYTHING.
And I wouldn’t even mention her, that’s how insignificant she is, but she has a great line of dialogue I’ll mention at the end.
Our Hero and Agent Scully meet up again when a cannibal member of The Sex Pistols kidnaps Moe Jr. and plans to cook him but the little guy is saved from being made into buffalo wings.
Roddy periodically shows up on Sgt. Beret Wearer’s video screen to threaten him with scriptures while Soul Man and Scully get into scrapes. This happens at least 4 times. You know, when it was all said and done, I hope Roddy at least got a free meal out of the director for taking time out of his DAY to shoot this movie.
Our Hero, Scully and Moe Jr. retreat into an abandoned church while Moe Jr. sleeps and Dakota and Scully decide to give-in to their vague acquaintance with one another. This nookie scene goes on way too long.
With all the dissolves, unconvincing grinding and “I stubbed my toe” facial expressions, it feels like I’m watching an episode of The Red Shoe Diaries.
Like us, Sgt. Beret Wearer is tired of sitting around waiting for the movie to end and decides to take matters into his own hands by killing Reverend Roddy’s loyal follower and take out Our Hero and Scully on his own terms.
Sgt. Beret Wearer turns on Reverend Roddy, putting a crown of thorns on his head and crucifying him.
Somewhere Raven is getting uber angry that Roddy is able to get away with this.
Don’t feel bad, Scott – I don’t think anyone cares cause the only people so far that have seen this movie are me and…..and…..I don’t think anyone else.
At least I hope not.
A bunch of stuff happens where people just slow motion kung fu fight each other as Our Hero and Sgt. Beret Wearer have their final showdown, where he reveals through the memory sunglasses that he was macking with Our Hero’s wife and killed her when she decided she didn’t want to do this mid-coitus. She didn’t even give him time to finish?
No wonder he got pissed off.
Then Our Hero stabs Sergeant Beret Wearer (or shoots him, I don’t remember and I don’t have the energy to give a shit) while Roddy breaks free of his crucifixtion to confront pivotal, forgettable character Sofia while he proclaims “I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA!” as they all blow up.
Ugh, IS IT OVER YET???!!
With all the loose ends tied up and most people dead and blown up, Our Hero, Scully and Moe Jr. decide to go above ground and try to live a normal life, free of talented wrestlers and tv legends embarrassing themselves in direct-to-video productions.
“We made it, we made it”.
Yes! We made it to the end of the movie and I didn’t kill anyone.
Woo boy, that movie was BAD. Just plain BAD. BAD BAD BAD. It makes Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny look like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. If you think it was non-sensical crap as I typed it out, believe me when I tell you, I CONDENSED IT. Seriously, there was SO much random bullshit that just HAPPENED with no explanation and it was my unenviable task to pick out any kind of semblance of story and Sid Fields’ Three Act format.
In honor of my idol, the amazing and awesome drive-in authority and movie critic Joe Bob Briggs, I’m gonna tally up the “drive-in” totals for you. Even though this has never been shown in a drive-in and if it were, the cars would already be gone and the flea market would be set up a day ahead.
Anyways, the Drive-In Totals are:
35 Dead Bodies
7 Breasts (Note from Blade: Was the chick from Total Recall in it?)
Gratuitous David Carradine
Gratuitous Wrestler Crucifixtion (Sorry, Sandman)
2 Motor Vehicle Floor Buffer Chase with Crash and Burn
Best lines of the movie are the rival cult leader Sofia for, “Damn his shriveled gonad soul! May the eternal goddess swallow him and every last worthless LIMP DICK!” and Roddy Piper for “Lord, I’m about to kick some Holy Ass!” Screenplay by Nelu Ghiran, copyright 1999.
Yes, he’s the one you should direct your hate mail to.
I give it 1 star.
That’s it for this week, fellow Crappers. Be sure to join me next week when in honor of John Cena’s new movie 12 Rounds, I talk about Cena’s very first cinematic endeavor. An oft-requested one at that.