Sources have told this reporter that CM Punk will be taking on Cody Rhodes at SummerSlam this weekend. As both are students of the game, I have no doubt that Phil will be looking for any advantage he can get to win their match. Thought I’d spare him some time by unearthing this battle Cody had a few years back with none other than the Funkasaurus himself, Brodus Clay!
If you’re like me (and I know I am), you may wonder where on earth such a colossal encounter could have happened. WrestleMania? SummerSlam? Some kid’s bar mitzvah? Good guesses all, but this one took place at the absolute mecca namely…
SATURDAY MORNING SLAM!
Long-time Crappers know of my absolute love of this show, but for you newer folk (as if we ever have any), here’s the scoop: this was WWE show designed for kids. And I don’t mean like fourteen year olds, at times it felt like it was for four year olds. Anything that appeared to be actually violent was not shown. So for instance, there were no punches to the face and big moves like finishers wouldn’t be shown but instead random crowd shots were inserted.
It all sounds idiotic, and in some ways it was, but you could tell certain performers viewed these criteria not as limitations but as challenges. Heck, Bryan Danielson reinvented himself specifically for the show and became THE DAZZLER complete with an absurd hairdo and rolled himself into a ball so he couldn’t be pinned! That this entire run is not archived somewhere is a crime against humanity.
Back to our match, as Brodus comes out dancing with his pair of Funkadactyls, Naomi and Cameron. Those two did little more than dance and greet fans on their way to the ring.
Well, and also go orgasmic as the big guy ripped his trousers off. Kinda shocked they didn’t edit that out as well. I will say this though – I’ve been working on the induction for a couple days and now I cannot get his theme song out of my head. Super catchy and the whole entrance was top notch as Brodus and the girls completely committed to the act. Like they could have had him open every single show for years just to get the crowd going.
And then…we have Cody Rhodes. Ostensibly a heel at this point, you could tell this company had zero idea what to do with him. To be fair, it’s pretty obvious that even CODY had no idea what to do with himself here, coming to the ring looking like he wasn’t sure if he should smile or frown or just turn around and head back out of the arena.
But he has a match here so he goes in for the lockup…and is immediately tossed to the ground like a chump. Brodus jiggles in delight while Cody retreats to the corner like a dog trying to wipe poop of its butt.
Cody gives it another go and gets the same result, with Brodus following that up with a big ol’ body slam. Gotta love Cody flopping his feet around like a complete cartoon character – it fits right in with the rest of the cartoon vibe of the show!
Cody is tossed over the top, but skins the cat just like Ricky Steamboat used to do. He is then tossed hither and yon by the dancing dinosaur just like Ricky Steamboat never used to do. At this point he rolls out of the ring and decides to think things over as the girls dance about. I guess I should point out here that while you all likely know Naomi, Cameron may be a mystery to some of you. Well, that girl was famous for two things as I recall:
She attempted to get a three count while her opponent was on her stomach and…
…that time she left Steve Austin completely speechless as she explained her all-time favorite wrestling match was when Melina wrestled Alicia Fox. Good times!
When we come back from break, we get a PSA from Heath Slater. This show had these all over it again reinforcing to kids to not do what they were watching on TV. In this case, Slater tells us that while it’s ok to watch him play air guitar on TV, they should NEVER play air guitar at home. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he was saying.
Back to the match and poor Cody is having no luck at all. After all, this Funkasaurus is just too darn big! So Cody decides that while he may not be able to best Brodus in a wrestling match, he might stand a chance at beating him at his own game:
DANCIN’!
While the girls didn’t seem too impressed, Brodus gave him the old “eh, so-so” hand gesture. Guess he must have been a big fan of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Punk should really pull that out in their match this weekend.
But ah ha! That dance was just a trick to get Brodus to start dancing and thus give Cody the advantage. Sadly even a second rope missile drop kick can’t even get him a one count.
He attempts to slam Brodus and that goes just about as well as you’d expect. Thankfully the dinosaur is big and clumsy and somehow falls down backwards after running into the turnbuckles. That can’t even qualify as a schoolboy roll up!
With the big guy on his back, Cody goes for a figure four leglock…but can’t get it locked in. Why? Say it with me – Brodus is just TOO FAT.
Cody tries a flying body press, but that gets turned into powerslam. A running splash is enough to get the three count. So there you have it Phil, just put on about two hundred extra pounds, get a couple of hotties to dance with you, and an easy victory is all yours. And make sure to jiggle about a lot too – it seems to help!