It was funny, prior to the Gooker voting this year, the very great Justin Henry and I were discussing the various candidates. Make no mistake, there were some doozies in 2012, from all the goofiness with the Aces & 8’s to AJ Lee’s various lovers to Natalya’s nonstop flatulence. Despite the multitude of choices, he explained to me that he was “100000% sure” that Daniel Bryan’s 18 second WrestleMania was sure to take the honors, and I quite literally laughed out loud at him. “Dude, have I taught you NOTHING? There’s no way that’s winning. It will be Claire Lynch with nothing else even close. “He would hear none of it, but in the end, I was right. That’s really nothing to brag about, I suppose; I mean really, when wrestling presents you with its first ever pregnant crack whore, was the result ever in doubt?
To be fair, the storyline didn’t start with crack addicts at all.
Well, unless you think Dixie Carter is hepped up on goofball, which considering how much she must have cost her family running this promotion, may be the case.
The angle started not with Claire Lynch, but rather Dixie and AJ Styles reportedly having an affair.
So maybe AJ was the crack addict who had a thing for aging soccer moms whose wardrobe consisted solely of stuff you’d get at a BOGO sale at Fashion Bug. That actually kinda makes sense when you think about it.
Footage was shown of the two of them cavorting into a hotel elevator…
…as well as the two planning secret meetings on the phone.
The dastardly nogoodniks behind these discoveries would be Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian, who just weeks earlier hated each other.
They then decided to become pals for no discernible reason. Well, other than this is TNA and it happens all the time there.
On the plus side, the two are awesome together, so I’ll let it slide.
Now you’d think that perhaps Dixie’s husband wouldn’t take too kindly to such gallivanting, and you’d be right. In fact, he showed up one week and KO’ed AJ with one punch.
Maybe it’s just me, but that kinda makes AJ look like a tool.
Still, I’ve never been attacked by a man named Surge.
Or maybe it’s Serg.
Nah, let’s make it SURGE. Makes AJ’s pummelling ever so slightly less embarrassing.
After weeks of being chastised by Daniels and Kaz about their elicit affair, AJ and Dixie decide it’s finally time to let the whole world know THE TRUTH.
And as they stare lovingly into each other’s eyes…
…a pale, scrawny, pregnant, and very, very mildly hysterical woman comes down the ramp!
She is immediately comforted by Dixie and AJ as the crowd goes mild.
Maybe it’s just me, but if I was in the Impact Zone and saw this train wreck happening before my eyes, I’d think, “You know, that Revenge of the Mummy ride is like 200 yards away…what am I doing here again?”
Allow herself to introduce…herself.
“I’m Claire Lynch, and I’m an addict!”
That was the short version. If you want the not-so-short version, feel free to impale your eardrums with this clip.
And drats! Our anti-heroes plans are foiled!
The plot was about to take a completely unnecessary and convoluted twist, as Daniels and Kaz knew something no one else did!
Claire’s crack baby daddy?
It was none other than AJ Styles!
Claire & Dixie’s reaction?
I think it’s supposed to be shock and awe.
Or maybe shock and terror, like Birdemic.
Hey, their acting is just about as good.
In an attempt to clear the air, Daniels and Kazarian would request that Claire come down to the ring the following week. Yet more horrible ‘acting’ followed, climaxing with another shocking revelation!
AJ was the father of Claire’s baby! And yes, that meant that Claire was now a HEEL pregnant crack whore!
I won’t lie – the acting here was so wooden that the poor girl may have passed for a sequoia.
In fact, can we zoom in on this?
Why look – it IS Claire! Whodathunkit?
And hell hath no fury like a crack whore scorned, as Claire wanted to know why AJ wouldn’t fess up to being the man who put the bun in her oven.
As AJ claimed his innocence, Claire dropped yet another bombshell: photographic evidence of their night together!
A HOT PASSIONATE NIGHT TOGETHER!
I can’t believe folks didn’t tune in in droves for this!I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to hear stilted dialogue delivered poorly about sexcapades from an unattractive bean pole?
But while AJ had all but sent Claire packing after impregnating her, Daniels and Kazarian were making up for it by providing young Ms. Lynch with a BABY SHOWER!
Among the fine gifts: diapers, AJ action figures, pictures of “Uncle Chris” Daniels, and the piece d’ resistance…
…an AJ Styles baby, complete with hoodie flipping action! I really hope someone actually makes those, for no other reason than I want it to show up in Someone Bought This.
Claire then breaks down, screaming about how she needed AJ to DO THE RIGHT THING!!I agree – we need to see Lamaze classes with these two and their AJ baby with hoodie flipping action!
Finally, AJ has had enough, and comes up with a brilliant solution…in the form of a match STIPULATION!
If he beats Chris Daniels, he gets a paternity test to prove he is not the Daddy.
If he LOSES to Daniels, he admits he is the father.
Anyway, AJ wins in a good match. But hey, this is WrestleCRAP.com, so let’s ignore that and get right back to the garbage!
As the Impact Zone chants “Who’s your daddy?” at our hero, Daniels and Kaz come out once again to badger him. Further blah blah blah is intrerrupted by…
…some random woman we’ve never seen.
Yikes, isn’t that how this all started?
Oh no, please not again!
She introduces herself as Grace Stein, the attorney of Claire Lynch.And as her legal representative, she is authorized to read the following statement in as wooden a manner as humanly (or botanically) possible.
In short: Claire was paid by Daniels and Kaz to make the whole thing up, including her pregnancy!
To paraphrase Roddy Piper…
THAT’S NOT THE DAD!
Now the big question is why, precisely, this hideous storyline ended so abruptly.
Well, it didn’t have anything to do with the folks in the back looking at crowd reactions or dying ratings. It had to do with the actress who played Claire discovering that her real name got out on wrestling forums and she was more or less completely embarrassed with that, feeling that this may somehow hurt her chances for future work.
So she went back to her current job at Popeye & Bluto’s Bilge-Rat Barges ride in the park.
In hindsight, it’s probably a good thing Claire wasn’t actually pregnant; Popeye punching her right square in the uterus would not have given anyone a very happy ending!