Sabrina The Teenage Witch was a mediocre sitcom that aired on ABC in the late ‘90s as part of an all-supernatural TGIF lineup, along with Teen Angel (about an angel),
You Wish (about a genie),
and Boy Meets World (about the walking shadow of the lead actor’s older, more famous brother).
Melissa Joan Hart starred as the titular witch, and no, by “titular witch,” I don’t mean Stephanie McMahon’s Halloween costume from 2002.
Another mainstay on the series was Salem, the talking cat, whose voice many of you will recognize as the narrator of “Exposed! Pro Wrestling’s Greatest Secrets.”
A recurring plot on the show was that Sabrina has to hide her identity as a witch, as, aside from her immediate family, everyone from her friends to her teachers thinks she is just a normal teenager. But that’s because don’t know the secrets!
By 2002, the show had been re-tooled and moved to the WB Network (although through a series of corporate mergers, CBS now owns the series); Sabrina was now in college with a new cast of characters, including Soleil Moon Frye. To those non-francophones out there, “Soleil Moon” is French for “Punky Brewster”.
However, despite the major overhauls, the show was clearly past its late-90s prime and lacking the support of a major promotional force. Sound like someone you know?
Yes, Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna, who guest-starred on the 2002 episode, “Driving Mr. Goodman”!
On this episode, Sabrina was giving her friend Miles Goodman driving lessons when he took his eyes off the road, accidentally plowing into Chyna’s rear end.
Chyna, however, not only didn’t demand top billing on the DVD cover, she didn’t even want any money, cheerfully laughing off the accident, which didn’t leave a scratch.
Not longer after the accident, though, Chyna (or Mary Jo, as she was known on this episode) changed her tune and decided to sue Sabrina for medical bills.
Skeptical, Sabrina went to Chyna’s house to visit and see whether she was really injured; despite the very minor car crash, the 9th Wonder of the World was now bedridden and sporting a neck brace. Unconvinced, Salem the cat, being the world’s foremost authority on selling injuries, jumped on Chyna in hopes of getting her to jump out of bed and betray the whole ruse.
Instead, she just stayed put, transfixed in horror at the demonic pussy shoving itself into her face. Blade Braxton would have a similar experience watching her and X-Pac’s sex tape.
I bet this gif alone is giving Blade flashbacks.
Sabrina then went to Chyna’s garage, where she found the previously unscathed car crumpled like a train had hit it.
She then used a magic spell and, doing her best Jerry Van Dyke impression, had a conversation with Chyna’s car.
According to the car, Chyna’s character crashed it all the time, purposefully backing it into other cars to sue the drivers. Sure, it looks painful to the jurors, but that’s because they don’t know the secrets!
Now Sabrina had to prove that Chyna was faking her injury, so she showed up at her gym and transformed herself into a She-Hulk through the power of magic and some very unconvincing special effects.
(No word on whether she worked the makeup chair on the set of Chyna’s movies)
Competing under a fake Russian name and spouting off a fake German accent, Sabrina snapped Chyna’s weightlifting records like some Commie Nazi’s neck.
Chyna’s pride wouldn’t allow this to stand, so she yanked off her neckbrace and lifted the weights herself…
…which Sabrina, after revealing her true identity, pointed out exposed her injuries as fake and destroyed her legal case. You’d think that Chyna would be astonished at Sabrina altering her appearance beyond recognition, but… Nah, enough cheap shots at Chyna.
After all, nobody likes an a**hole.
In the end, Sabrina beat the lawsuit, Miles got his license, and Chyna got charged with fraud. And if you think Chyna’s character met a pathetic fate, just look what she ended up doing in real life that very same month!
But that’s another induction for another time.