Anyone remember that time that Chelsea Green got married? Back when she was known as Laurel Van Ness in TNA?
WARNING: this is going to be one of those inductions that some people absolutely hate, because throughout it I am going to be gushing, GUSHING I SAY, about how much I love what is happening. Hey, I get it. Some of you want this to be a black and white thing, if it ain’t terrible, it shouldn’t be on WrestleCrap.com. I mean, the tag line is the “Very Worst of Pro Wrestling” for crying out loud!
But every once in a while, I make an exception because there’s something I think was funny and will make for some laughs for folks reading. Such is the case with our induction today. For you see, a lot of you are just seeing now how great Chelsea is, but I knew it years ago. And this wedding, which is arguably my single favorite wedding in pro wrestling history. And that’s saying something where you had that one where…
…Trish Stratus was wearing this.
Still, I maintain this was better. I mean, right out of the chute, we get the best man, Mike Bennett, coming to the ring double fisting the booze. Sad thing is that I was once at a wedding, and it wasn’t the best man but rather the GROOM doing that. You’ll be shocked to learn that marriage didn’t last. Also, Bennett probably should have saved those swigs for his upcoming time in WWE, wherein he was redubbed Mike Kanellis, and his character was basically being Maria Kanellis’ husband. For those of you that want a 100% WrestleCrap: Worst of Pro Wrestling Induction, that would be one, and you can read all about it rightchere.
The man Bennett is bringing down the aisle would be one Braxton Sutter…who would later go onto AEW fame as the Butcher’s partner, then known as Blade. Waitaminute…he was once known as Braxton, and later known as Blade? Who knew he was one of the twelve listeners?! Anyway, in our storyline today, he is being forced to marry against his will.
The role of the “flower girls” this evening would be the pair of Rockstar Spud and Aron Rex. I’ve long viewed Spud as one of the most underrated performers ever – I pretty much love his over the top antics no matter what he’s doing.
No joke, I still bust this out once a week when someone is going overdramatic on me. And oh Rex? That would have been the Miz doppelganger, the guy who was so great in his role that he got far more over than WWE ever wanted him to be…and thus shoved him into the background as fast as they could. Remember when they used to do that all the time? Billy Joel was right – the good ol’ days weren’t always good.
And here comes our blushing bride, Ms. Laurel Van Ness! Gotta love Spud attempting to ensure she doesn’t trip on her dress…while also sneaking a peak in the process. What a delightful buffoon. But pay attention to the groom and you will see he doesn’t look too pleased. This was due to the fact that he was in love with someone else and was being forced into wedlock by…
…the first lady of wrestling, Maria Kanellis. She is one beautiful woman but man does she make for a grade A mean ol’ wench! This was the apex of a looooonnnngggg storyline in which she was making life completely miserable for Allie, whom Maria did not like at all…but whom she DID have under contract. And what better way to humiliate her than forcing her to not only see the love of her life, Braxton, marrying another woman, but being the ring bearer for the ceremony?
So Allie comes out and Braxton…well, his jaw is just on the floor at seeing the woman he truly loves completely dressed to the nines. Maria of course will have none of that, and tells him to pay attention to his bride to be. Everyone here is so great. Allie looking ticked, Braxton gobsmacked at Allie’s beauty, Laurel going insane with jealousy. And Maria? What an incredible witch she is, as the fans are at a fever pitch chanting “Allie” as loudly as humanly possible.
The ceremony begins with the officiant telling us about love, and how this will bond Braxton and Laurel together forever. “FOREVER!” Laurel reminds Braxton. Meanwhile, Mike is nearly passing out from the booze and Aron and Spud are losing it over the romance on display. The crowd not so much, as they begin a “We object!” chant. Hey guys, that’s a bit premature – it’s not time for that yet!
Laurel goes first with the reciting of their vows, noting how she’s dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl with a trust fund. Also, she loves all the nights they’ve spent together (looking directly at Allie in the process in a total heel move!) and how it doesn’t matter that Braxton isn’t rich, because she is and thus she can buy him new clothes that ain’t middle class. Good thing that Laurel had hers ready, as Braxton tells us he forgot to write his down so they should just get to the rest of the shenanigans.
At this point, we do get to the whole “does anyone object” bit, and Maria goes apoplectic, explaining that was to be omitted from this ceremony. Naturally, she knows why it was still in – because her idiot assistant Allie forgot to give the officiant that information. But that’s ok, because now she will be bringing over those beautiful wedding rings. She trips over in the process, with Maria fully losing her mind now yelling at the top of her lungs, “YOU’RE SO STUPID!!!!!” That, friends, is how you make a sympathetic babyface!!!
It’s time for the “I do’s”, and Laurel wastes zero time getting hers out. As for Braxton, though…
…well, he just keeps looking past Laurel and at Allie. Sensing things may be starting to get out of hand, Laurel starts growling at Braxton, “SAY IT!” Her facials here are absolutely serial killer like and I love it!
Finally the moment comes and Braxton says, “I do…..n’t!” Allie is thrilled, Laurel is nuclear, Aron is appalled. And Spud is so overtaken with emotions all he can do it put on his hat in the angriest manner possible!
Braxton continues, saying that he knows Laurel will make someone miserable some day, but he today ain’t that day and he ain’t that guy. Besides, he’s in love with someone else – namely Allie. And this causes Allie to bounce around so happliy it looks like she’s just won Plinko on the Price is Right!
And now we get the full story – Maria had forced Braxton to be with Laurel and thus stay away from Allie. If he didn’t, she was going to fire Allie and she would lose everything.
Maria isn’t finished though. She mocks Braxton for putting on his big boy pants, and for him thinking he’s some big tough wrestler. But the joke’s on him – because she promptly turns around and fires Allie.
Allie at this point drops the silent act and goes ballistic, telling Maria she can’t be fired because she quits. Also Maria is a total monster. I was kinda picking that up here.
Chaos then erupts, with Maria looking to take off Allie’s head with a shoe. Braxton stops her, then KO’s Mike for good measure. Allie then spears Maria to put her down. To be fair, this wedding did take place in a wrestling ring – you kinda had to expect this right?
With their foes disposed of, Allie and Braxton gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and have a smooch for the ages. All whilst Maria and Laurel go completely bonkers. I know Chelsea is making waves in WWE these days…but I don’t know she can ever top this, the greatest wedding in the history of pro wrestling!