Body Slam – The Wrestling Movie

Body Slam

Text from the back of the video box:

Harry Smilac is a talent agent who’d sell his mother for a dollar…fifty cents after negotiations. But Harry finally hits the big time with a rhythm and bruis road show that combines rock music and professional wrestling. Sound crazy? It is! In fact, BODY SLAM is the craziest, funniest, rocking-est wrestling movie of all time!

Translated into truthful English:

Dirk Benedict is an actor who’d sell his soul and career to the devil for a dollar…fifty cents after The A-Team went off the air, and plans for a Battlestar Galactica reunion fell through. But Dirk finally hits rock bottom with a lame ass movie that combines rock music and professional wrestling. Sound stupid? It is! In fact, BODY SLAM is the crappiest, most forgettable, suckiest wrestling movie of all time!

Yep, this thing is a real stinkbomb, worthy of a good ridiculing by our friends on Mystery Science Theater. Dirk Benedict stars a rock and roll manager who, through the zaniest of circumstances, winds up managing Quick Rick (Roddy Piper) and Tonga Tom (Tonga Kid). This of course infuriates their former manager, Capt. Lou Morano (Lou Albano). So Lou’s men attack Dirk’s men, and Lou blackballs Rick and Tom from all the major arenas.

Because, you see, Albano is a MANAGER that holds that kinda power. Or something. It’s really dumb, and even though I’ve watched it twice (oh, the humanity!), I still don’t get it. I don’t think we’re supposed to get it, actually. Who knows.

Benedict combines his two interests to promote rock and roll and wrestling shows, merging Rick and Tom with some horribly bad 80’s heavy metal band that makes Poison sound like Metallica. The whole clan together looks quite a bit like the Village People, actually.

Anyway, the crowds go crazy, of course. This leads to a big verbal showdown on Ring Talk, the “highest rated show on television” according to Piper. Right. Well, hell, any wrestling TV show hosted by CHARLES NELSON REILLY probably would draw big numbers, wouldn’t it?

So Piper and Tonga get the match, beat the bad guys, and everyone lives happily ever after. You expected something else?

The movie features bad music, bad wrestling, bad acting. The highlight of the movie is a section near the end featuring two seconds of cameos by Ric Flair, Freddy Blassie, and Bruno Sammartino. Oh yeah, and a midget that keeps calling Benedict a “f*****” for another three. And the guy that played Gomez Addams on the “Addam’s Family” TV show is in it for another five.

Believe it or not, those ten seconds aren’t worth sitting through the other 89 minutes and 50 seconds of pure crap.

Discuss This Crap!