Every once in a while, I have a hard time coming up with what horrible thing in wrestling to write about next. Seriously, I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years…eventually the well is going to go dry, right?
Oh who am I kidding? You’re right, Vince. You’ll always supply me with plenty of crap of the wrestle variety, and for that I love you.
One thing I tend to forget about when I am running on fumes to find the next induction is something right under my nose: the Gooker award voting. Sure, we always get out the fireworks and ballyhoo for the winner, but what about the other nine or so atrocities that weren’t quiteatrocious enough to be forever honored with our grandest award?
Such was the case last year. No question Crown Jewel should have won – it had the largest margin of victory in the history of the site. And it made for a really fun induction, which you can check out here. But other stuff was pretty daggum horrible as well.
For instance, try as you may, who could possibly forget Bobby Lashley’s sisters?
Like many inductions we’ve had over the years, this started with what seemed to be noble intentions: namely, putting over Bobby, who had just returned to the company after a several year absence, as a good natured family man. In a casual sit-down interview with Renee Young, Lashley explained to Renee his parents and sisters meant everything to him.
“And you’re sisters…are you close with them?”
Just like that, the pandora’s box that begat us a Gooker nominee was opened.
For you see, Lashley told us of his younger days with his family. And it was…well, to put it politely…just about the creepiest thing I ever did hear. Bob regaled us with stories of his sisters liked to take him out to the woods, tie him up, and leave him for dead. Apparently, they thought that was absolutely hysterical. Also, one would chase him with a broom and beat him with it.
No, really, that’s what the man said. Proof is here.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think “Lashley” was just his stage name and his family crest had “Manson” etched upon it.
And we’re just getting started!
Next Bobby told us of another sister who carried around a security blanket. He explained that it started getting pretty stinky, and the kids at school made fun of her about it. Lashley responded to this by grabbing the blanket and shoving it down a child’s esophagus.
Finally, Bob told us of his third sister, the youngest of the trio. Apparently she liked to carry around their father’s army helmet. But before you think, “Awwww, that’s nice”, let Roberto finish.
Knowing how much she loved that headgear, Bobby decided to hide the it from her one day. He thought that would be funny. A harmless prank. That’s what I would think as well, but apparently the sister didn’t feel the same. Instead, she became completely enraged.
“You see this scar right here, Renee? This scar will always remind me not to mess with Francis!”
He then smiled broadly at the camera.
Upon hearing of Bobby’s horror-filled youth, Renee’s reaction is pretty much the same as mine.
I’ve never been the world’s biggest Renee fan, but I am now.
I’m sure we all have comical stories of our youth, our family. I mean, my familial tales don’t have me nearly losing an eyeball or being bound to a tree for hours on end, but maybe yours do.
If so, please never share them.
Because if you do, a nogoodnik like Sami Zayn may come to exploit your tragedy and turn them into a horrendous wrestling angle on Raw. And no one deserves that. Especially not what happened here, wherein Sami claimed that what Lashley stated in his chat with Renee was not entirely on the level. In fact, it was a bald-faced lie! To prove his point, he carted out the sisters to find out the real story behind their childhood.
This being WWE, that meant of course three dudes in drag.
Hey Kevin Dunn! Get the laugh track ready!
First up is Cathy, whom we know is Cathy thanks to a helpful “Hello, My Name Is Cathy” sticker. “She” notes the reason she had to carry a broom is because Bobby was very mean to the girls when they were children. So she grabbed the closest thing to her to protect herself – her mother’s broom.
“Wow, that had to be hard,” Sami noted mournfully. “Thank you for sharing.”
Next we hear from Francis, she of the helmet. And of the mustache for some reason. Anyhoo, it is explained the helmet was needed because Bobby would take his knuckle and crack her noggin with it. Like just one knuckle? Wouldn’t that hurt Bobby just as much as her?
Sami: “I applaud your heroicism.”
And I applaud Sami making up words. My gut tells me that’s probably a term that Vince uses all the time backstage and no one has the guts to tell him there’s not such word. I like to think things like that. Helps me get through the day.
Also, it helps to get me through train wrecks like this.
Last but not least would be Jessica, with the same towel that was shoved down that youngster’s throat back in the day. Apparently it literally went down the poor kid’s digestive tract and out the other end, as the entire towel appears to be covered in feces. Gross.
Jessica tells us that the reason she carried the towel was due to the fact that Bobby was so mean that she used it to wipe away her tears. “By the end of the night,” she bemoaned, “it would be sopping wet.”
Sami explained that this showed who Bobby actually was – he wasn’t some nice guy, he was a total a-hole.
“He doesn’t love us!” Cathy bellowed. “He only loves himself!”
Francis went into further detail, noting, “My mom and dad HATED Bobby! He was disrespectful until one day they had to ship him off to reform school!”
“Reform school! That’s where the bad kids go!” Sami explained.
Well, that or the WWE writing team, take your pick.
Finally, Sami asked Jessica what the community at large thought of Bobby.
“He stole candy! They’d call the cops on him!”
I’ve known a lot of bad kids in my day…but never one so vile that the cops were called by THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.
And hey…why did no one call the cops while this thing drug on for what felt like hours in the ring?
Finally, Lashley himself could take no more and ran to the ring to kill Sami and end this farce.
No, wait, my bad. He just came out smiling and waving to the people, then put his arm around Cathy, then joked that Jessica had a bad dress. Finally he told dear Francis she had something so many women wanted: a hairy mustache.
I can’t believe I just wrote all that; it sounds like a mad lib or something.
This company is just the dirt worst sometimes.
It ends exactly as you’d expect – with the family attacking Lashley and Lashley destroying them in turn.
Look, I am all for indy guys getting an easy payday doing stupid things on WWE shows. But the bumps these guys took were truly appalling.
To be fair, though, I am pretty sure Lance isn’t teaching guys how to get crotched with a broomstick then be hurled over the top rope up at the Storm Wrestling Academy.
Thankfully, that would be the last we’d see of the Lashley sisters. But consider this – a segment that was only 10 minutes long was so bad that it placed THIRD in the year-end Gooker voting. In fact, had Crown Jewel not existed, there’s a good chance it could have won the whole thing!
As I watched it again, all I could think was someone not only wrote this, someone approved it going on air. Seriously, someone read this script and thought, “You know what? I like it. That will get a big reaction!”
That would be this man:
And as I really start to ponder what Vince had to have been thinking, nodding and smiling prior to these guys in dresses heading to the ring, all I could think was this.
Yeah, I’m a Renee fan now for sure.