I’m trapped in a plane.
Well, I call it trapped. I’m 6’5″, rolling in economy, crammed against a window that has offered me a couple hours of sleep on this 8 hour flight. The night before? Oh, I was up fixing a server that died on me while I was out of town. Got no, and I mean zero, sleep. Not even sure why I bothered to get a room, other than the fact I could hang out in a grubby t-shirt and my underwear. I never sleep on a plane, and knowing this, I downed a bunch of Nyquil to force myself to do so. I think I overdid it, though, as I nearly fell asleep (seriously, some old woman had to tap me on the shoulder to revive me!) while standing in line waiting to get on the plane.
Can you tell I’m a bit grouchy?
So yeah, trapped in a plane, 5 more hours til I land, can’t sleep anymore, just looking for something to pass the time. And I remember that I have this on my laptop.
Yeah, Baywatch. But not just any Baywatch, no sirree. This would be an episode called “Bash at the Beach” from 1996, and yes, it was a tie-in with WCW.
I’ll give fair warning; this may be the single worst induction I ever do. I have half a Nyquil-drugged brain trying to get through this and I’ve had zero sleep. You’ve been forewarned. Let’s start this 43 minutes of dung heap and see what happens!
Oh and confession: I’ve never, ever seen this show before. I don’t mean this particular episode, I mean ANY Baywatch episode ever. All I know is that someone sent in a clip as a potential It Came From YouTube. Entitled “Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage go jet skiing” I thought it was simply a Thunder in Paradise clip…but I was informed by The Cheese that, no, this was a Baywatch ep. So me, in all my crap-grabbing glory, told Paul, “please don’t post that, I will do it as an induction!” So yeah, that’s how it all came about. Also, in the interest of fairness, I should state what I know about Baywatch. Keep in mind, this is the sum and total of my knowledge of the series:
– Pam Anderson was in it wearing a red one piece bathing suit
– David Hasselhoff was in it wearing a white jacket
– It became a pinball machine with a giant display that costs a fortune to replace
Seriously, that’s all I know. But within the first 30 seconds, I am greeted by this image:
All I can say is that I eternally grateful the dude in the seat next to me is NOT having problems sleeping. I can only imagine what he’d think I was doing as I pause, and do screen grabs of some guy in soaking wet banana pouch. I’m also kinda afraid to look around and see what those who are NOT sleeping are thinking. If this induction ends at any time, you can credit a stewardess tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “excuse me, pervert, you need to do that on your own time, not on a plane!”
Soon enough, we get to the actual episode, and as noted, Hulk and Macho are racing each other on jet skis. No, really, here, listen. But it’s not just Savage and Hogan on here, the opening credits read like a who’s who of WCW in 1995, with Ric Flair, Big Van Vader, and “The Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan apparently about to make appearances. And yes, they are credited as such.
So the boys go screaming past some skunk and she is, naturally. eyeballing the hot hunky Hulkster, stating, and I quote, “Hey Hulkster, you’re sure looking good” to which he replies “WOW!”
It’s amazing to me that I’ve never, in my entire life, heard a single woman ever say that Hulk Hogan was even cute, but in movies and TV series, they all think he’s like nuclear sex hot. Anyone remember No Holds Barred? I seriously thought Samantha was going to have the big O from just watching the mighty Hulkster do push ups.
I’m less than 3 minutes into this, and I already want to hijack the plane just so I can go into cargo and get the rest of that bottle of Nyquil. Heck, I’d even take someone from security eyeballing my screen, thinking that I am actually a terrorist, and taking me and my lapper to solitary confinement the rest of the flight.
Back to the show. So Hulk’s sexy run-in with his sexy jet ski maiden causes him to lose his composure and he kills himself with his ride:
Nice. This was way shorter than 43 minutes. And I enjoyed the surprise ending of Hulk dying minutes in. Very Psycho-esque, when they killed off Janet Leigh 30 minutes into the film. Somewhere, Hitchcock is nodding in approval with me.
No no no, of course not. Instead, approximately 37 hot chicks in swimsuits 3 sizes too small rush out to save his life. So of course the girls are all over him, and yes, they too think he’s gorgeous.
Cut to…THE HOFF and some non-hot chick wearing a sundress that looks like she’d be more at home at a bake sale than a beach. She apparently she is dating someone named Dr. Tom, who is the Hoff’s old friend. Sadly, it’s not Dr. Tom Prichard, but this guy:
So these two head to the beach and are having a picnic. They make googly eyes at each other in the least erotic manner possible. Seriously, I’ve seen my dog staring at the wall and the wall and the dog have more chemistry. Anyway, Doc gets paged and says he needs to leave as it’s an emergency. The girl says she too is having a medical emergency:
“It’s my heart.”
This show was on the air HOW long again?
Sorry, but I can’t handle other boring crap, so we’re going to be ignoring the non-wrestling stuff on here. Which leads us to…
Hulk Hogan and Pamela Anderson sitting down to have a chat.
Imagine such a conversation.
Well, here, they blab a bit about how the jet ski was “totaled” in the accident. Yes, the 800 pound machine was crushed by the hitting the mighty Hulkster. I…I…
But that may be more from the Hulk’s matching blue headband and boots than that story.
We then learn of a local boys club that “saved Hulk’s rear end ” when he was a kid. Thankfully we get no details about that. I’ve always found that Hulk Hogan’s anal glands are best left untouched. Anyway, the place is in danger of being shut down and that’s when the developer shows up who is going to take the place over. And it is none other than…
RIC FLAIR, who is now a DEVELOPER. Oh, and Kevin Sullivan (in face paint!) and Vader (in jock strap mask!!!) show up. They have a hearty belly laugh at the fact that Flair has bought the property and is planning on turning it into condos. Woooooo!!!!!
And then, just to be total villains, Vader takes a kids basketball and pops it…with his BARE HANDS. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that youth basketball and pro wrestling are not good companions. See also Sean/Ted DiBiase. Anyway, they agree to put the deed to the youth center on the line versus the WCW title. That’s too bad, I was hoping that Paul Christy would make a run-in to attempt to buy out the property.
So a kid falls in the water and is somehow trapped under a rock (don’t ask), and we get a slow mo shot of Hulk running along the beach with Pam. I know that was an iconic shot on this series, and I have to believe that anyone who ever saw that did NOT want to see this version. Hulk lifts the giant rock with his gargantuan (and apparently rampantly sexy) muscles and then drags the kid to safety.
As thrilling as it sounds.
We then get a training montage of Hulk, Pam, and various children working out to Hogan’s old American Made theme song. Over the years, I’ve really come to hate that song. No idea why. Maybe it’s just the flashbacks to that horrible CD I reviewed a dozen or so years back. Things like that have a tendency to haunt me.
So Savage beats Flair in the worst match the two could possibly have. Really, I am stunned by this, as I was there live for Savage-Flair at Mania XIII, and it was awesome. This is anything but.
This leads us to the main event, and in a swerve a SLIM JIM CAGE is put up for Hogan vs. Vader. Pam looks on in unadulterated horror, as if the cage is electrified and is filled with giant shark toothed-bears.
Told you I was tired. I have no idea what that even means.
And as you guessed, they have a horrible match, but in a change up, it ends with Hogan dropping a leg…AND THEN hitting a big boot for the finish.
No no no, Mr. Director – it goes in the REVERSE order!!
Then they all celebrate with Slim Jims.
Really, check out Savage’s hand!
Come on, Mach – where’s ours?!
And that was the end; Hogan rescued the boys club, saving the ‘rear ends’ of children throughout the land, bringing joy kids who apparently just hang out on the beach all day, which apparently isn’t enough for them.
What a bunch of spoiled kids we have in this country.
Quick note from RD: Just wanted to say mucho gracias to all my fellow Crappers for making this such an incredible 13 years! Yes, this is the anniversary of WrestleCrap.com, and if you had told me all those years ago we’d still be around, making folks laugh (hopefully) by dissecting Hulk Hogan TV shows, I’m not sure I’d have believed it.
And I probably would have started crying, knowing I was going to torture myself in such a manner for such a length of time.
But hey, if y’all are with us after all this time, all I can say, once more, THANK YOU!!!