If there’s one thing we may never run out of covering here at the Crap, it would be wrestling comic books. Of course, we’ve already covered such classics as the Marvel-WCW early 90’s stuff, the Chyna and Sable comics, and, of course, my personal favorite, NASH.
Never one to miss out on the chance to jump on a passing bandwagon, Vinnie Mac put together his own series of comics in 1991 dubbed “Battlemania”, in which the folks at Valiant pen and inked the Federation’s finest. One of these books was Lifestyles of the Brutal and Infamous, and I have received no less than five copies of it from different Crappers. Since the book is obviously fairly famous (or infamous, I guess, according to the title), I figured it was high time to give it a look see.
This particular comic is split into two halves, with the first part being dedicated to “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase and his extravagant living arrangements. According to the comic, DiBiase lives in a giant mansion, complete with dollar sign-shaped shrubs, carpets, and swimming pool. In fact, I’m pretty sure that DiBiase must have bought Richie Rich’s old place. No doubt that poor guy must have lost millions when he signed off the rights to his name for that horrid Macaulay Culkin flick.
As DiBiase wanders his grounds, he stumbles upon his bodyguard Virgil working out in his gym. While most men would want their bodyguards to be in tip top shape (because they are, by nature, hired to guard their employer), DiBiase goes into a mad rage!
Gold bars are thrown. Gold platters are thrown. I think DiBiase even launched a gold toilet at Virgil. In the coup d’ grace, DiBiase took the form of a bizarre cat-like creature and flung himself threw the air at his friend turned foe.
The pair fought all over the mansion, including the kitchen, where DiBiase doused Virg in some bizarre black goo. No wonder Teddy was so perturbed – God knows what that cook had been feeding him.
Anyway, Virgil somehow survived the attempted drowning via undetermined foodstuff. But he would not survive being thrown off the balcony to the pool below.
To celebrate the attempted murder of his employee, DiBiase did a cannonball into his cash-filled vault ala Scrooge McDuck.
Maybe it’s just me, but I can TOTALLY see Vince McMahon doing this very same thing.
The second half of the book is a much more macabre little tale, this time involving the Undertaker, Paul Bearer, the Big Bossman, the local Welcome Wagon, and an un-named pizza delivery kid who has an unhealthy obsession with weapons.
A VERY unheatlhy obsession with weapons.
Our saga begins with Pizza Boy sneaking up on the Bossman, who is sitting inside a surveillance van, monitoring the ongoings inside a house across the street. You might ask why a supposed law agent would do such a thing with the doors to said van flung wide open. I would answer, “I have no idea.” You might also ask why, when questioned by Pizza Boy as to what he was up to, he told him in great detail, and I would again answer, “I have no idea.” In fact, you could ask me why pretty anything in this comic transpires, and my answer would be, “I have no idea.”
Bosser explains that he’s been keeping a close eye on that house. No, THAT house, the one right over there. Seems some new folks have moved into the neighborhood: Paul Bearer and the Undertaker. Imagine THEM moving in next door.
Bossman, apparently now the defender of truth, justice, and high property values, decides to investigate. He watches on his surveillance cameras as Mrs. Goodheart, local Welcome Wagon representative, brings some goodies to the neighborhood newbies. These items include stain removers and a giant hatchet. Maybe Paul and Take moved into the right suburb afterall.
Bossman immediately freaks out watching this, but uses the old “just cause” excuse for delaying actually getting off his fat can and actually doing something about it.
Pizza Boy, however, finds plenty to do – namely, brandishing all manner of automatic assault rifles, hand grenades, and a knife so large that would make Crocodile Dundee piss himself.
Now I ask you, fellow Crappers – what kind of police department equips their men with MACHETES?
After approximately 63 pages of Pizza Boy modelling various firearms (seriously – there’s not a single frame where the kid isn’t a virtual poster boy for the NRA), Bossman finally goes inside. He and Taker fight all over the mansion, finally winding up in the middle of a secret funeral that is being held in the Taker’s basement.
Sadly, Bossman does not tie a chain around the casket and drive it away.
This is apparently grounds for complete dismissal of the case, despite the fact that Paul Bearer states they are having “Ground Chuck” for dinner.
That image right there is good, old fashioned nightmare fuel.
As previously stated, this was just ONE of the comics in this series. There’s a whole slew of them, and rest assured, they all pretty much suck as much as this one.
But then again, that’s crap for another day.