As you have probably been able to ascertain over the years, I like to watch crappy stuff. Bad wrestling, bad videogames, bad movies – I find some type of perverse humor in all such things. For example, when The Cat in the Hat recently came out on DVD, I was like a kid on Christmas morning – I couldn’t wait to watch it, just because I knew that it had to be atrocious beyond belief. And it was. So I laughed and laughed my fool head off as Mike Myers danced around, dressed in a freakin’ CAT SUIT, and spouted off one hideous “joke” after another. For me, it was delightful.
However, once in a while a movie comes along that is so bad, I find a tough time deriving even warped satisfaction from it. About two years ago, I started receiving emails about a movie that was not only wrestling related, but horrible as well. It seemed that not a week went by when I didn’t receive correspondence in which I was literally begged to review the film, and told, “It is so awful…you are going to love it!”
Well, it was awful all right…but I sure as heck didn’t love it.
It is called Backyard Dogs, and if you are lucky, you will never ever see it. It was unleashed on the world like a Biblical plague by the sadists at PM Entertainment in 2000, and rest assured should I ever run into anyone who had a hand in the production of this fiasco, the cops won’t be far behind.
After the tender and soulful Theme to Backyard Dogs plays, the film itself opens with some simple graphics, informing us that in 1998, there were 350 backyard wrestling federations in the United States, and that by 2000, there were 18,000 worldwide. I guess that’s to illustrate to the about to be tortured viewer that this isn’t just some hobby, but rather BIG BUSINESS.
At one of these shows is Kristy and her friend Rick, who gives Kris the hard sell on what a phenomenon backyard wrestling is. Kris is appalled to learn that this stuff is all REAL.
Not even five minutes into the film, and already both my eardrums and my intelligence have been insulted. As if that weren’t bad enough, the acting is atrocious. I’m talking Alicia Silverstone in Batman & Robin bad here.
A quick glance at the IMDB tells us that Kristy is played by Miss Bree Turner, who also went on to star in such classic films as Joe Dirt, Sorority Boys, and Dunstan Checks In, which, again according to IMDB, is about a young boy befriending a larcenous orangutan in luxury hotel.
After watching this movie, the monkey flick actually doesn’t sounds so bad.
Anyway, Rick asks her to help put himself and his partner on the map using her “eCommerce Skills.” Apparently, these skills got her kicked out of school. They don’t say exactly how an eCommerce site would have gotten her expelled, so, like you, I’m thinking porn.
Rick’s partner is The Paperboy, who and behold he appears on a rooftop reading a newspaper, then cuts a promo so horrible that it makes one long for the dulcet tone of Greg Gagne.
Kris, owing money either to her lawyer (or more likely her pimp), agrees to help the boys out. She then proceeds to explain that she is going to put them out on the net, with, get this – HYPERLINKS! WOW!!
(For those of you who don’t know what a HYPERLINK is, it’s basically when you click on something and it takes you someplace. When you click to hear one of the soundbites on this site, that’s a hyperlink.)
She tells the boys that the Paperboy persona sucks, and then proceeds to come up with an even worse gimmick, as Paperboy is now going to be known as the Outlaw Cole Davis, fresh from the mosh pit. According to Kristy, this will “pop and sizzle”. Rick echoes her sentiments, proclaiming that he will, and again I am quoting here, “FRY LIKE BACON.” She also says that they have to “cut through this noise.” Word to your mother, girlfriend.
Then, after stepping in dog crap (YES, LITERALLY STEPPING IN DOG CRAP), she proceeds to dub our heroes the Backyard Dogs, hence the idiotic title to this idiotic movie.
The boys’ plan is to travel up and down the coast of Cali making all kinds of loot on the profitable backyard wrestling circuit. Who knew that it was so profitable?
The boys begin making serious money, because Rick is taking BETS on the outcomes. One guy says, and again I am simply quoting the movie, “Give me $500 on that guy!”
And you thought Pete Rose had a problem – this guy’s betting a McKinley on BACKYARD WRESTLING!
Not only that, the match consists of Outlaw Cole (Don’t Call Me Ron Bass) Davis hitting his opponent with a baseball bat, a brick, a table, and then slamming him onto a mattress. Maybe I’m just stupid, but if I was in a real fight, I doubt I’d slam the guy onto a Posteurpedic.
Then the movie takes a really weird turn, as we are told that everything leading up to this was fake, but this next match will be real.
Ok, now I get it – Vince Russo wrote the screenplay.
Next match features Outlaw against the Lord of Pain, who, according to Rick, has Medicaid. So not only does backyard wrestling pay well, it also has insurance. Who knew?
After yet another horrific match, that was apparently real (or not, who knows), we get a romantic interlude between Outlaw and Kristy, who confirms that it was, in fact, a website she started where one of the girls accidently got naked. I knew it!
“I’m up to my cleavage in litigation!” she whines. The Outlaw consoles her, stating, “But at least you have nice cleavage!” For all your swinging bachelors out there, you may want to write that one down (as something to never say).
Sadly, Kristy the Web Whore shoots him down. That’s the bad news. The good news is that after just three matches, the Backyard Dogs Website is the hit of the internet, and therefore she is able to get Outlaw an interview on ESPN!
Kris’ advice? He needs to do the interview nude. Because I guess ESPN would air that or something. Anyway, the interview consists of Rick (who is now doing a ninja gimmick) doing pushups upside down in a chair and the Outlaw curling a barbell containing approximately 10 pounds. Kris struts around and asks her viewers who she should date.
At this point, I’ve pretty much given up all hope of this movie making ANY sense at all. And just when I think it can’t get much worse, we go to the NASH ESTATE in Beverly Hills, as ZZ Nash of the Backyard World Championships is trying to book a show featuring “Goldberg” and “Stone Cold.” He’s apparently a big time promoter or something. He sees their site, and decides that he should book them instead of Golderg or Austin. Whatever.
As ridiculous as all this sounds, I have to give props to someone deciding that the biggest idiot in the film should have that last name “Nash.”
Anyway, there’s a big tournament of all the backyard feds, sponsored by FMW, or as Elix calls it, “WWF of Japan!” Apparently the winners get to work – or as they put it in the film – FIGHT with FMW and Hayabusa.
The battle of course comes down to Outlaw Cole (Don’t Call Me Josey Wales) Davis against Rick the Ninja. But right when they are about to start throwing haymakers, they decide they cannot actually fight each other. But then they do, having a much so atrocious that if you and say, your dog, videotaped yourselves, it would be better. Somehow, this winds up impressing the FMW rep who decides to give them a match on PPV.
The next five minutes of the film are little more than a commercial for FMW, featuring Hayabusa doing all the insane stuff he’s known for.
If they actually invested money in this pile of crap movie, it’s no wonder they went bankrupt.
So the boys wind up getting their shot at glory. Kris, however, doesn’t want them to do it, because, she feels “they’re not ready to turn pro!”
But then, the Outlaw convinces her it’s ok…IN BED.
You just knew that she couldn’t resist that cleavage line.
Having bagged the babe, all that’s left to do is for the boys to go onto the PPV, and have hideous match against two big fat guys, one of which they’ve already fought three, count ’em THREE, times this movie. They win the match with a double dropkick that would make the Rock & Roll Express proud…if the Rock & Roll Express consisted of Greg Gagne and Erik Watts, that is.
Everyone (all 25 people) in the audience cheers, and so do I, because this stupid movie is finally over.
You know, it’s funny. Before I watched this film, I actually looked at the IMDB Bottom 100, which charts the worst films of all time. I was stunned to see Backyard Dogs ranked as a worse movie than Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Glitter, Kazaam, Leonard Part 6, and yes, the Cat in the Hat. Surely this couldn’t be worse than those films, I thought, before hitting play.
I was wrong.
But I can take condolence in the fact that, as of this writing, it was number 10, and at number 11 was none other than Santa with Muscles.
And for this one moment in time, that seems to make everything right in this world.
Music so indescribably bad that…well, it’s indescribable, so I won’t try to describe it.
Paperboy: “Well, here I am Deathwish. And for you, my friend, the fun and games are over. You want to do this? Let’s do it Deathwish! AARGHH!”
Kristy: “How about ‘Fresh from the mosh pit…oozing with slime…Cole “The Outlaw” Davis! Don’t you just love it? You’ve got to pop and sizzle!”
Rick the Ninja: “Yeah, you gotta fry like bacon!”
Kris: “You got understand me. There are a million websites that go up every month. You have to cut through this noise…and cut quick.”
Kristy the Web Whore: “I put five girls up on the net, and one gets naked, and lies about her age. Suddenly, I’m up to my cleavage in litigation!”
Outlaw: “Yeah, but that’s not a bad thing, because you have really nice cleavage.”