Is it just me, or are there more great wrestling matches today than ever before?
Let me rephrase that: Is it just Dave Meltzer, or are there more great wrestling matches today than ever before?
Certainly, by the Wrestling Observer editor’s calculations, in-ring wrestling has never been better.
As of this writing, there have been 300 five-star (or better) matches since 1982, and nearly half of them (137) have occurred in the past five calendar years.
And most of them don’t make me feel a damn thing.
To be sure, many are lengthy, technically excellent, high-effort outings with lots of false finishes.
Which is why they all blend together and get forgotten within a week. By me, at least. It’s all subjective, so I refuse to give anything resembling scientific ratings.
Meltzer’s insistence on the above criteria has led to Weimar levels of star rating inflation in recent years, but it’s also led to some ridiculous takes going back decades.
Most egregiously, there was Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3. This was a perfectly watchable match…
…elevated to legendary status by the hottest of hot crowds, which Hulk and Andre worked to perfection.
Meltzer gave it minus four stars and pretended the fans hated it, too.
What I’m saying is, a high workrate doesn’t always make for a great match, and a low workrate doesn’t always make for a bad one.
On the other hand…
…there’s Andre the Giant and Big John Studd’s 1983 bout at the Philadelphia Spectrum.
If Dave Meltzer thought Andre’s “four-minute” bear hug was lazy…
…the hold Big John Studd applied would have made Dave swear off wrestling forever.
Because this match may just be the most boring one ever committed to tape.
…
Looking back, even the pre-match promos hint at a less-than-stellar bout to come.
Big John Studd notes that at 6’10, he’s a little shorter than Andre the Giant, whom he estimates to be “a little over seven feet tall, maybe seven-foot-five”.
Nonetheless, all men fear John Studd, including Andre the Giant. At least I think that’s the message he’s trying to convey; at the end of his rant, he loses his train of thought, telling Andre:
“You tremble when you look at Andre—look at Big John Studd!”
They could have re-shot the promo, but how would they recapture that energy?
Andre the Giant, meanwhile, sounds nearly comatose in a promo the announcers pretend is live.
In the ring, Studd grabs the mic and tells the fans they have no class. To Studd’s misfortune, not only does no one hear him…
…but a fan nails him right in the mouth with a piece of trash.
The announcers point out the anti-Studd signs in the audience; the first one shown on camera has “Gomer is gay” written on the back.
Studd spends the beginning of the match pointing in various directions.
After two minutes of such stalling, Dick Graham grows impatient. “Well. Anytime you’re ready, guys!”
Studd then exits and slowly walks to the other side of the ring. Gorilla Monsoon notes that the referee won’t count out Studd, by Andre’s request, despite John being out of the ring for a full minute.
This stalling is just a way to psych Andre out, but it won’t work because the giant is too relaxed. (Downright drowsy, even)
Studd ends up doing a complete 360, argues with Gorilla Monsoon at length…
…then walks another half a lap toward the only fan who’s happy to be there.
At last, nearly six minutes after the opening bell, the two men lock up.
…aaaaand Studd bails out again.
This time, the referee attempts to count out Studd and end the match, but Andre the Giant stops him, unwisely in hindsight. How do you say, “Cut your losses” in French?
They lock up once more, which Studd breaks up with knees to Andre’s gut.
Andre the Giant falls to the mat, where he remains for approximately ten minutes.
You think I’m exaggerating.
For the next two minutes, Andre and Studd exchange armpit holds and chokeholds, respectively…
…until Studd locks on our feature presentation, a front facelock.
An eight-and-a-half-minute front facelock.
About a minute and a half into it, Andre gets to his knees briefly.
Two minutes in, Gorilla tells his partner that in amateur wrestling, the ref would break up the hold, which has turned into a stalemate.
In other words, this hold is so dull, it should be illegal. Of the thousands of wrestling moves banned in amateur wrestling, this is the only one ever banned for being boring.
“That’s right,” concurs Dick Graham concurs. “Nothing happening”. And there’s six more minutes of this sh*t.
The crowd, of course, is now restless.
Andre the Giant, on the other hand, is not. Dick Graham points out that Andre—eyes closed, face dropping, and drool collecting on his chin—might in fact be asleep.
But Gorilla denies this vehemently. Well, vehemently isn’t the right word, as Monsoon sounds as bored as the rest of the fans.
Five minutes into the Front Facelock From Hell, Andre puts his arm around Studd’s head. Though most fans continue to boo, this latest development garners a buzz from some of Andre’s fans….
…which quickly fizzles out as the Giant goes back to sleep. When he gets his arm around Studd a second time, there is no such pop. In fact, fans boo even louder.
“The crowd, still watching, can’t believe their eyes”, says Dick Graham.
Fans again start to rally when Andre shows some real signs of life…
…but these turn out to be night terrors, and the fans once again revolt.
Note that the referee declines to break the hold when Andre (not for the first time) reaches the rope with his foot. I mean, why break up the action prematurely?
Seven minutes into the same front facelock (“While we got a break in this action”, says Monsoon in the understatement of the century)…
…the announcers run down the upcoming cards in Trenton and Harrisburg.
At last, after eight and a half minutes and three uses of the word, “stalemate”, Andre the Giant breaks loose for his big comeback.
Studd weathers Andre’s chops and attempts to slam the giant, which proves to be his downfall.
Andre, refusing to be slammed, drops to his knees, rolls Studd over (in what the announcers generously call a hiplock)…
…and covers him for the 1-2-3.
“The giant really socked it to him!” declared Graham, the voice of Philadelphia’s youth.
At least one lady was happy, rejoicing with her son like a war had just ended.
To recap, Andre the Giant and Big John Studd wrestled for 18 minutes, and here was everything that happened:
Legend has it, the reason the front facelock lasted so long was that Andre had legitimately fallen asleep. While I can’t confirm, I can say this:
While wrestlers typically use rest holds to plan their next moves, it could not have taken two men 8.5 minutes just to work out *that* finish.
Add to that the fact that Andre:
- didn’t respect Big John Studd
- had also fallen asleep against Sgt. Slaughter
- sounded like he’d drank 119 Nyquils in one sitting
…and it’s a pretty safe bet this rumor is true.
Which means that, since Andre napped longer than he wrestled, this match actually has a negative workrate.
If Dave Meltzer had seen this match, he’d have ended up hailing Hogan-Andre as a miracle.
Then again, Vince McMahon did see this match, and he ended up booking rematches for the next three years.