Amanda Ultimate Warrior

Amanda Ultimate Warrior

As RD and myself have been recently chatting about and reviewing all the old material that comprises the new Wrestlecrap DVD-Rom, one thing stood out – the year 1990. It could be said that 1990 was the year Wrestlecrap was born. In the first 365 days of the decade of the 90’s, fans would witness the birth of the Gooker, the Black Scorpion, El Gigante, as well as Robocop’s debut in the wrestling world. Their exploits have long been fan favorites of visitors to the site. You might consider them the backbone – or would that be crapbone – of the site. However, just when you’ve think we’ve covered everything from the wretched year of 1990, comes this week’s inductee. Judging by how long it took for us to induct her, she must’ve been hidden away in some kind of federal bad gimmick protection program somewhere.

The WWF called it a cutesy segment.

I call her the spawn of Satan.

It was the summer of 1990, and our old pal the Ultimate Warrior was gearing towards his showdown with Rick Rude at SummerSlam. To further the angle, Mr.Hellwig showed up on the Brother Love show. Once on the set, did he cut a hate-filled promo further hyping up the pay-per-view? One could only wish. Halfway though Ultimate Warrior nonsensical promo #1119, he started ranting about “Ultimate Love,” and the “love warriors have for him.” To show Brother Love an example of this “Ultimate Love,” he brought out one of his young fans.

No, that’s not Punky Brewster from hell, that’s Amanda Ultimate Warrior (rumored to have been a young niece of Hellwig, who was admitedly a cute little kid). Seems Hellwig was her hero, and apparently she loved him. Judging by his rather creepy, Mister Rogers Neighborhood / To Catch A Predator-style sounding voice , Jimmy loved her too. To show the world the true power of “Ultimate Love,” and her dedication to him, Hellwig hijacked the Brother Love show, and turned it into a bizarre, and uncomfortable version of David Letterman’s Stupid Pet tricks. For the next few painful minutes, we would be witness to Amanda Ultimate Warrior posing…

doing cartwheels…

and performing a crowd-popping, crappy looking handstand. (Though, to be fair, while it may have been crappy, it looked no worse than what Kelly Kelly usually does.)

Sadly, Warrior stopped the demonstration right before Lanny Poffo came out and started having her fetch frisbees.

And what, you are no doubt asking, was the Warrior doing during all this?

What else? Grunting and groaning like a man who was very severely constipated.

So after performing all these tricks for her master, what did Amanda Ultimate Warrior get for her reward?

Why he lifted her into the air and gave her a gorilla press, of course!

No no – he actually just gave the kid a hug and a smootch on the cheek from as he professed about ULTIMATE LOVE. And then she faded off the screen and into wrestling obscurity, thankfully far away from Warrior’s Bondage closet where Santa Claus currently resides.

After seeing Amanda Ultimate Warrior perform all those lame stunts, it reminds me that no matter how many tricks your dog can do, or how well trained it is, sooner or later it’s going to take a shit on your floor.

In Amanda Ultimate Warrior’s case, she definitely pinched one hell of a loaf on Bruce Pritchard’s carpet that day.

Ultimate Warrior: “What’s your name?”

Cute little girl: “Amanda Ultimate Warrior.”

Warrior: “Did you hear that? AMANDA ULTIMATE WARRIOR!”

Warrior: “Awesome! Do a handstand for the Ultimate Warrior. Do a handstand for the Ultimate Warrior!”

Warrior: “I love you, Amanda Ultimate Warrior. This is ULTIMATE LOVE!”

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