Like many of you, my holiday season isn’t complete without at least one viewing of A Christmas Story. I mean, with the goofy 24 hour showings, how can you NOT watch it? It’s almost like TBS is seeing if you can watch it in various chunks, kinda like a puzzle, then you put it together in your brain. And honestly, I’ve often wondered if I had nowhere to go, if I had nothing to do that day, I’ve wondered if I could just sit and watch it over and over again. In many ways, it is not only the ultimate Christmas movie, it is one off the best movies ever. Period. The characters are wonderful, the plot is great, and the comedy contained therein is just fantastic.So when I heard that there was going to be a sequel this year, I immediately thought, “Hmm, that sure sounds like a bad idea.” And when I saw the trailer, I learned it wasn’t just a bad idea, it was the worst idea in the history of man.
But it was only the worst idea in the history of man for about 2 days. Because after that, word got out to you, my Fellow Crappers, who decided that I, RD Reynolds, should review it this year for Christmas.
YOU told me I had to do induct A Christmas Story 2.
This meant I had to watch it, study it, do screen grabs, and then write a pretty in-depth analysis of it.
I’ve never said this before, and I likely will never say it again…and it’s absolutely not in the spirit of the season…but I need to say it.
I absolutely hate each and every one of you.
So the movie opens the same as the original – with a shot of the house.
And it kinda looks like the same house.
If that house was cut in half and built in 2009.
Seriously, the siding on it looks nicer than the siding at the Reynolds ranch (which was built like 11 years ago).
So yeah, it looked kinda something like the original.
And that’s a theme throughout the movie – stuff is sorta the same.
Only now it’s been stripped of all its humanity and character.
Probably a lot like the bloodsuckers who decided this movie needed to be made.
This is Ralphie.
No really, it is.
He is now 15 years old.
Note I said 15 years old, not oldER.
I understand your confusion: when I first saw him I was like, “So this is the story of a 23 year old Ralphie? That’s weird.”
Next we meet Randy, who appears to be 3 years older.
The mother, on the other hand, appears to be somehow YOUNGER than she was before.
I’d seriously rant and rave about these bizarre time space continuum issues, but that would take away time to discuss the worst part of this film…
THE OLD MAN.
Who they have completely butchered beyond belief.
It’s like they went up to the actor (Daniel Stern) and asked him if he had ever seen the original.
He said no.
They told him, “Well, he says ‘It’s a clinker!’ in it. Can you do the same?”
Then he said sure, and they did one take.
The end result?
Which sounds nothing at all like the original.
Again, ongoing theme here.
So he’s no longer a grumbling growler, he now has the voice of Fred Flintstone, and spends the film bellowing out a most disconcerting combination of profanity and cliches.
I remember another film character who spoke in profanity-laced cliches: the guy Dennis Hopper played in Waterworld.
So now when I think of THIS horrible movie, I will think of THAT horrible movie.
And when I think of THAT horrible movie, I will think of THIS horrible movie.
It’s like an infinity mirror of suckitude.
Oh man, then we have Ralphie’s friends. That’s right, Flick and schwartz are back, but unlike the other folks in this film, they resemble the originals in no way at all.
Schwartz is now a pretty non-descript Jew (don’t blame me, that’s what the movie tells us!) and Flick looks like he’d be more at home hanging out with Archie and Jughead.
Or perhaps a member of Biff Tannen’s gang in 1950’s Hill Valley.
Either way, they don’t look like they belong here at all.
And then we get NEW characters, the lead of which would be Drucilla Gootrad.
That’s allotta name.
Allotta stupid, STUPID name.
It may be the single dumbest name I’ve ever heard, and I wrote about a guy named Bastion Booger.
Anyway, she’s Ralphie’s love interest.
And yes, you did read that correctly:
I did in fact say ” LOVE INTEREST.”
Because as you will soon discover, this movie is all about Ralphie trying to GET HIM SOME.
You have zero idea how much I wish I was making that up.
I mean ZERO idea.
So he appears in various dream sequences in which he and Drucilla (DRUCILLA!) wind up macking.
Remember the fun dream sequences in the original? Like when he went blind from soap poisoning?
Here we get him fighting, and I am not making this up, NAZIS.
All of whom are somehow more likable than this guy.
So the ‘plot’ revolves around Ralphie wanting a car for Christmas.
Yes, he went from wanting a BB gun to wanting a CAR!!!
Maybe it’s just me, but I have NEVER heard of anyone outside of a Toyota commercial actually getting a car for Christmas.
Just asking for one seems wrong, the kind of horrific greed only surpassed by Susie telling Santa he needed to bring her a house in Miracle on 34th Street.
Long story short, he winds up finding his dream car at the local dealer, and he proceeds to wreck it.
He also loses his pants in the process.
Again, I wish I was joking.
I will say this, and it’s a word of warning: if depantsed teenage boys is your thing, this is the movie for you.
I do want to make it very clear, for the record, it is not my thing.
And I am willing to bet it’s not yours either.
At least I HOPE it’s not yours.
A blow mold reindeer winds up impaling the convertible top, and pants-less Ralphie is given an ultimatum: pay $85 to cover the repair or go to jail.
Of course, $85 is a lot of money back now, so he convinces his friends to help him make the money by getting jobs at Higbees, the department store that was featured so heavily in the first film.
The lush, spacious store now appears to have been jammed into a single hall, one that is continually remodeled to look like different rooms.
Not sure I mentioned it, but it appears they filmed this as absolutely cheaply as they possibly could.
Reusing the same sets for different locations, seeing the same actors playing different characters…yeah, it’s bad.
The boys start in the gift wrapping department, where Schwartz wraps up a baby…
…and Flick gets his tongue stuck in a tube.
I somehow doubt the first movie would have become the beloved classic it is if his tongue looked like THAT when it got stuck to the flag pole.
The boys are then moved to various other jobs in the store, ranging from dropping stacks of shoes, spraying perfume in their own faces, and taking bras off mannequins.
And then humping said mannequins.
Hey, don’t blame me.
All I did was loop that image.
I had nothing to do with writing or filming this.
I didn’t put together a storyboard with “RALPHIE HUMPS MANNEQUIN” on it.
That was someone else.
Possibly Satan himself.
And then there’s the foul mouthed Santa, who in a show of good, old fashioned family fun talks about how his wife is a whore.
Maybe the writers thought this were penning the sequel to Bad Santa.
That’s pretty much the only explanation I can come up with for half this film.
So Ralphie and the boys wind up as elves…
…who wind up having a giant candy cane fight.
Stealing bits from SANTA WITH MUSCLES?
That there is the sign of a bad, BAD movie, kids.
Then the show takes a VERY weird turn, as we now see Ralphie getting fired, homeless families, and Mom preparing for empty nest syndrome.
Oh, and The Old Man goes ice fishing because he doesn’t want to pay for a turkey.
Because he’s cheap, you see.
So somehow Ralphie gets re-hired at Higbees, and he has to dress up like a dog.
Or a donkey.
Wait, that’s a reindeer?!
If you say so, movie!
He then gets punched in the gut, in the only scene in this movie I would ever want to see again.
In fact, it may be the only thing that gets me through the rest of this induction.
Ah, much better.
Anyhoo, Ralphie doesn’t quite generate enough money, as he winds up $1 short.
Fortunately, Schwartz has a dollar, but it’s his LUCKY dollar that he got for Hanukkah. And he won’t give it up, because, you know, he’s JEWISH.
So Flick and Ralph do the only thing they can to get that dollar: they rape Schwartz.
And when I say “they rape Schwatz”, I mean they rip his pants off and put their hands down by his junk.
Again, don’t blame me.
I’m just reporting what I witnessed.
Money in hand, Ralphie goes to pay off the car dealer, but then has a change of heart and takes some homeless folks to The Chop Suey Palace for dinner.
Meanwhile, the Parkers have fish for Christmas dinner, despite the Old Man never having caught a single one the whole movie.
Oh, I get it – Ralphie BOUGHT the fish.
Or Mom bought the fish.
Whatever, I ain’t going back to watch it.
We then get a couple more obligatory throwbacks, as Aunt Clara makes a sailor suit…for RANDY!
And the Old Man gets a new leg lamp, I guess from Ralphie.
Mom looks furious.
And let’s get real – she really did get shafted in this movie.
While everyone else got presents, she got a heapin’ helpin’ of nothing.
Meanwhile, Ralphie got a car.
YES, A CAR.
And just when you think this thing can’t possibly get any dumber…
…Drucilla shows up and starts hitting on Ralphie.
The 15-year old and his new squeeze then drive off together as the film comes to a merciful yet long overdue end.
In the end, I hope you are all very happy with yourselves: Christmas has forever been ruined for me by this movie.
Largely due to this image:
I honestly don’t know that I will ever love Christmas like I once did.
I mean, seriously, Ralphie rear ending a mannequin.
Ralphie and Flick raping Schwartz.
The Old Man morphing into Fred Flintstone.
Everything great and wonderful about Christmas completely, utterly, forever ruined.
If there’s anything that can renew my Christmas spirit, I don’t know what it is.
Wait, that did it!