Special Health & Fitness Review!
This past weekend, myself and Death of WCW co-author Bryan Alvarez did a meet and greet with about a dozen or so loyal Crappers/Figure Four subscribers. Coming out of the meeting, two things have been made abundantly clear by posters on both the WrestleCrap and Figure Four forums:
1. Bryan Alvarez is approximately the size of Little Beaver and looks like the bastard love child of Eminem and Kerwin White.
2. RD Reynolds is approximately the size of Paul Bunyon.
I would argue, of course, that neither one is true.
Regardless, it was a major topic of conversation, as was the fact that I had lost a ton of weight. That I will not argue. Well, yeah, I will argue that I had lost literally a ton of weight – it wasn’t like I was shut-in who couldn’t leave the house because I couldn’t fit through the door and had to be rescued by Oprah or something. I would never view myself as “thin” or “fit” (both of which I’ve been called recently, something I cannot even fathom). But yeah, I have lost about 50 pounds and that is something I take at least a little pride in.
But I’ve learned something over the past few months: the battle to get fit is one thing – the the battle to stay fit is something entirely different.
Let’s face it: anyone can go on a diet and drop a few pounds. It’s not that hard. The hard part is continuing life and not putting all that weight right back on. While obviously the days of eating a bag of Oreo’s and washing it down with a half gallon of chocolate milk obviously need to stay in my past, the real key, methinks, is that you have to stay active, you have to keep exercising. And after a while, getting up at 6am and hitting the treadmill starts to get old. So, as I once did in the past, I began to look for new things to keep the calories burning.
And what better place to start than early 1990’s WWF Coliseum video releases? Those things were always chock full of not only ***** Adam Bomb vs. Typhoon classics, but personality profiles of the top WWF superstars of the day. Whether it was Lord Alfred teaching us etiquette or Mr. Fuji throwing a dinner party, there was always much more to those tapes than just mere wrestling. After months (ok, about two hours) of exhaustive searching, I found three workout tandems that fit the bill.
Could these men help me stay on the path of physical fitness?
Or is this just some lame excuse to include three stupid bits that couldn’t stand on their own as inductions?
Let’s find out!
|Power & Glory|
For those of you too young to remember them, Power & Glory was a musclebound duo consisting of Hercules (Power) and Paul Roma (Glory). While Herc actually had a very brief moment of fame as Hulk Hogan’s opponent on a Saturday Night’s Main Event, the same could not be said for Roma, who spent most of his WWF tenure in a jobber tag team with Jim Powers. He’d later move on to WCW, where he’d go on to such “glory” as being arguably the worst Horseman ever.
Today, the two are doing exactly what you’d expect them to do: hit the gym, and lift some weights.
But…there’s just something weird about the whole thing. Hmmm…
Our next contenders would be none other than Cousin Luke and Cousin Butch, the Bushwackers. Those of you who are older crappers no doubt remember these two buffoons, who were seemingly a part of every lame skit and horrible tag match from about 1989 until 1992 or so.
Those of you who don’t remember them, well, just take today’s Highlanders, make them New Zealanders, and approximately 120% more wacky, and you’ve got the bill.
In short, if you like the Highlanders, then you’d have liked the Bushwackers.
Which means, of course, that approximately .00001% of you reading this would have been loyal Bushwackeroos.
|Mean Gene & The Brain|
Well well well….looks like we have our odds on favorites here, as my hero, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and “Mean” Gene Okerlund are going to be playing some tennis. Of course, the Brain gets confused and brings out a ping pong paddle, thinking they are going to play table tennis. After Gene “corrects” him, Bobby goes off on a tirade about playing against a Chinese guy.
I know I cannot be the only guy out there who would pay to see Bobby Heenan versus Some Generic Chinese Guy on PPV.
Well, the Bushwackers are the Bushwackers, and to be honest, I just never really got their schtick. I mean, I GOT it, I knew they were supposed to be a couple of zany nutty goofballs, but I always found their bits to be very lame. I am expecting this one to be no different. And Herc & Roma…there was just something odd going on there that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Therefore, and this should really come as no surprise, Heenan and Okerlund take the early lead.
|Power & Glory|
Here we are with Herc & Jerk hitting the weights, with the man from Mount Olympus doing some butterfly presses as his partner roots him on.
I should note, of course, that he roots him on while standing between his legs. In fact, with their matching Zubaz pants, the pair actually appear to be Siamese twins joined at the crotch. Either that, or Roma is actually Herc’s perfectly coiffed and mulleted penis.
You make the call!
And what do Butch & Luke have in mind to keep themselves fit and trim? They head to the aerobics room (clearly labeled as such), which leads Butch to exclaim, “I’ve always wanted to be a pirate!”
Oh wait, he said, “I’ve always wanted to be a PILOT.”
For a second there, I guess I thought Butch was turning Japanese or something.
|Mean Gene & The Brain|
Back to the tennis court we go as Gene is instructing Bobby on the fine art of serving. Heenan explains that he knows all about that, and calls over “Toots” to serve. Well, to serve him a drink, that is.
Unfortunately for the waitress, Bobby has left his wallet in the clubhouse, but ensures her he’ll make it up to her later. I bet he does (and the commentary suggests this as well).
As if all that weren’t enough, Okerlund does a spit take upon learning that someone has “mickeyed” his drink.
During the workout, we’ve learned the following:
1. Bushwacker Butch is, in fact, Australian and not Japanese, which further means that RD either has bad hearing or, like his idol, has a penchant for making very non-PC jokes at the expense of the fine folks of Asia.
2. Bobby Heenan has a bad habit of always leaving his wallet elsewhere when it comes time to pay a tab.
3. Hercules’ nickname for his unit is apparently “GLORY.”
With all this in mind, I have to once again give the edge to Beverly Hills’ favorite son and his chrome domed companion.
|Power & Glory|
So Herc and Roma lift weights. Then lift more weights. Then lift more weights.
Then they rub each others bodies and make very disturbing homoerotic comments towards each other. Ewww.
In fact, I dare any heterosexual reading this to tell me they would EVER want to ever go back to the gym after hearing these two groaning and Paul Roma talking about how Herc’s johnson “is like someone’s leg!”
Meanwhile, the Wackers are inside the workout room doing their patented Bushwacker walk wherein they stomp about whilst flailing their arms to and fro. It’s basically a ramped up version of what we know today as a “Power Walk.” In fact, to this day, anytime I see some 45 year old soccer mom speed walking in the mall, I always hear the Bushwacker theme music.
So I will say this: that Bushwacker walk may not be an aerobic workout, but it would definitely wear your ass out.
|Mean Gene & The Brain|
Finally, it’s time for the Brain’s match, as Monica Seles’ sister’s best friend’s tennis partner sits in a chair and lobs balls at Heenan. He finally collapses, having taken all the beating he can.
Still, he views this workout as a victory, and thus attempts to jump the net (to expected results).
Again, I’d like to state for the record, I would gladly pay $49.95 for Heenan versus Okerlund in a tennis match on PPV.
Three in a row makes this a sweep! So without further adieu, I award this year’s workout war championship to…
Waitaminute…what’s this? It’s apackage from our old friend, Bill Brown!
Hmm, a VHS and a letter. It reads:
Heard that you were working on a new workout war, and think it’s only fitting that you include this in the running. While you’d probably be “berserk” to think of it, I think that you’ll find upon viewing it that these men should be the top contenders to the new fitness crown.
So I pop in the tape and see:
Uh….hmmm…well, that’s the Berserker and Mr. Fuji, hanging out on the set of the old Prime Time Wrestling. Now I’ve known Bill for years, and what a great, great man he is. But this…this I don’t get. But since I’ve never known Bill to be wrong about anything (and the fact that I could gaze longingly at the Berserker’s helmet for hours), I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
And yep, it turns out Bill was on the money yet again; Bereserker launches into a killer promo about how other guys in the WWF might lift weights and go to a tanning bed, he actually lays out on icebergs and lifts, and I quote, “MASTADONS!”
Now THIS is the kinda guy I need to listen to! And that notion is confirmed as Fuji explains that we are about to have a “traditional Viking ceremony,” a ceremony that requires a volunteer from the audience. Oh how I wish I could have been in that studio that night. But while I wasn’t there, someone else was. And really, who else could be the fall guy for a guy like the Berserker in the WWF in the early 1990’s?
It’s our old pal (and fellow WrestleCrap inductee) Jameson (which leads to what has to be the only “Jameson” chant ever)! If Berserker kicks sand in his face, this will officially be the greatest segment in the history of television.
Sadly, he doesn’t, but amazingly does something even better – he ties him up to a stake, throws a bunch of hay at his feet, and attempts to light him on fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Don’t believe me? Check out the pic below, Bucko!
Sadly, this does not work, which enrages our Nordic pal, who then says “to hell with this!” and puts the nerd – still on his pole, mind you – on his shoulder and heads out off the set.
You’d think that would be it, but oh no. Oh no no no no no. Soon enough, Vince explains to us that the Berserker is actually on the roof of Titan Tower with Jameson still in tow. It is then that I discover why Mr. Brown sent this to me as a possible winner of the Workout War:
If you guessed that the Berserker threw the WWF’s resident moron off the roof, step right up and claim your prize. And Berserker, my dear friend, my (unfortunately non horn encrusted hat) goes off to you – throwing geeks off buildings will henceforth be part of my daily workout regimen.
Final Verdict: Berserker Wins!
– “Mean Gene” Okerlund: “Hey wait a minute – that’s a ping pong paddle, pal!”
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: “Table tennis!”
Okerlund: “We’re playing here on a tennis court!”
Heenan: “It’s hot, let’s go inside! You play with a Chinese guy and he brings you egg rolls – it’s a heck of a game!”
– Cousin Butch: “Aerobic! Aerobic! Oh boy, all my life cousin Luke, I’ve always wanted to be a pirate/pilot!”
– Heenan: “Set ’em right there, hon! Seems I left my money in the clubhouse, I’ll catch you later.”
Okerlund: “Hey, you stiffed her!”
Heenan: “It doesn’t matter, everybody stiffs her! Take a drink, ice cold water.”
Okerlund: “Hey! Somebody mickeyed that drink!”
Heenan: “What do you want? It’s free! Drink up!”
– Paul Roma: “How’s that feel? How’s that feel? Look at the size of that thing! It’s like somebody’s leg, Power! It’s like somebody’s leg!”
– The Berserker: “You know I see all these pretty tan weightlifters around here! Listen! You can lay on a tanning bed, I lay on icebergs! You can lift weights, I lift mastadons! I don’t need weights!”