WWF Raw begins with a montage of The Rock’s issues with Paul Wight, or “The Big Show” as he is called as of last night’s Heat. The name is repeated about half a dozen times throughout the package to make viewers forget he was ever called “The Big Nasty”. A clip of the burning teddy bear is thrown in there for good measure.
Michael Cole welcomes us to WWF Raw in San José, California; since it’s a live episode, he actually acknowledges the host city.
The Rock comes out to a sizable ovation. Jerry Lawler frantically drives home the “conspiracy theory” angle about The Rock suspecting Paul Wight of duplicity. He takes a brief pause to acknowledge the “pretty good artwork” on one fan’s sign.
The Rock addresses his WrestleMania opponent, Stone Cold Steve Austin, encouraging him to commit suicide by train. He vows to prove why he is the Great One (and, “The Chosen One”, as he has taken to call himself). Regarding Paul Wight and his alleged alliance with Steve Austin, Rock demands answers from Mr. McMahon himself, telling him to bring his “roody poo candy ass” to the ring and “sing that big song of monkey crap”.
While Song of Monkey Crap would take off neither as a catchphrase nor a series of fantasy novels, his “This ain’t no singalong with the champ” would gain traction. In an apparent piece of singalong-proofing, Rock breaks up his usual rhythm in saying, “If you smell what the Rock is cooking”; the pause before “is cooking” would get longer and longer as the months went on.
Vince comes down, taking obvious exception to the “monkey crap” line, accusing Rock of “cooking” monkey crap himself. Calling him, “Dwayne”, Vince calls The Rock ungrateful for all he’s done for him, his father, and (via Vince Sr.) his grandfather. McMahon emphasizes that the Corporation is a family, and that the Big Show, while not part of that family, is there to protect it. He might be a little slow, says McMahon, but he’ll get the job done.
At this, two bars of a thumping instrumental track play on a loop. What wrestler does that them belong to? Well… it’s the Big Show (whose future theme songs would make this explicit from the outset). Wight takes exception at McMahon’s insinuations of stupidity, then threatens both Rock and Vince. McMahon tries to put Big Show in his place verbally, then slaps him, provoking Big Show to grab him by the collar. The Rock makes no effort to aid the frightened boss.
McMahon declares that if the Corporation fights itself, then Stone Cold wins, so tonight Big Show and Rock will team up, facing Mankind and Steve Austin.
Jerry Lawler hypes Sable’s appearance tonight, saying she’ll show her entire (nude) Playboy spread tonight.
Meanwhile, some contractors bring tools and plywood to ringside for reasons unknown.
WWF Raw goes to commercial, where Mankind and Socko chow down on Chef Boyardee ravioli. After years of punishing his body, Foley has figured out that what really sells is comedy.
On the other hand… a black and white shot of a suburban home, whose mailbox reads, “Cleavage”, airs without explanation.
WWF Raw returns with Michael Cole hyping tonight’s main event, which he hyperbolically calls “probably the greatest tag team match in the history of Raw”. WWF Raw, that is. I just thought I’d clarify, for SEO purposes.
Jerry Lawler tries in vain to get answers from the construction crew, but none are forthcoming. It doesn’t help that the mic keeps cutting out.
Road Dogg, whose official Titantron video features fan-made South Park signs, comes to the ring. He challenges Val Venis for the Intercontinental title in a bout borne out of a tag match from last night. “Did he just say he’s going to be ‘Intercontinental champion of the world’?” asks King, pointing out a slight contradiction in terms.
Val Venis notes that this is the home of San José Sharks, then makes a pun about chomping on meat. He has promised Jerry Lawler that he will win the match in three minutes; that’s pretty lengthy for the WWF Raw undercard. Michael Cole notes that it has already been three minutes and the match is still going on (in fact, it’s been less than two).
Val attempts to steal a pin with both feet on the ropes, but referee Tim White catches him. Venis appears desperate to put Road Dogg away before his self-imposed three-minute deadline, which only the announcers know about—and they’re too distracted by the guys with power tools to mention it right now. Instead, it’s Road Dogg who picks up the win after a DDT, just after the three minutes are up.
Partner Billy Gunn rushes in to congratulate the new Intercontinental Champion, who’s just achieved Gunn’s own dream with minimal time and effort. This is the start of either a break-up angle or something much stupider; only the outcome of Billy’s Hardcore title match will tell.
Backstage, the Rock says he believes, in so many words, that Paul Wight is borderline developmentally disabled. Big Show says he’s going to have to cover The Rock’s candy ass tonight. “Cover the Rock’s candy what?” asks an incredulous Rock, holding out hope that Show said “bar” or “cane”.
WWF Raw returns with Lucas Swineford, their new, young backstage interviewer dork. he’s like Michael Cole but with no broadcasting experience. Wisely, D-X gets rid of him after one sentence. Road Dogg then declares that, as Intercontinental champion, he’s coming for The Rock’s WWF title (again). Billy Gunn then lets the Dogg know that he wants a title shot. Uh-oh! Tension.
Vince McMahon comes to the ring with his European champ son, while the construction guys work rather loudly. Shane says he’ll beat X-Pac, “1-2-3, kid”, and to prove it, he’ll face the Legion of Doom in a handicap match. Do they even work for this company anymore? It’s a moot point, as this LOD is actually Patterson and Brisco in LOD 2000’s shoulder pads and face paint.
Vince McMahon, on commentary, offers his insights: “My son Shane is taking on not one, but two individuals here as a warm-up match-up prior to facing X-Pac at WrestleMania”. He doesn’t have any information about the builders, though. Vince puts his son’s offense big, including his hard right hand to the kisser. He also shouts out Shane’s friends from Greenwich, including Pete Gas and Rod Lienhardt. After hitting both men with the title belt (which, as of March 1999, Vince McMahon is still calling a belt), Shane scores a double-pin for the victory.
The McMahons’ celebration is cut short by The Undertaker, who shows their family home in Greenwich and makes threatening remarked about an unnamed female family member. The Ministry approaches the house.
When WWF Raw comes back, Vince is on the phone with neighborhood security.
As Jim Ross and Dr. Death come to the ring, Michael Cole shows the M&Ms Slam of the Week. It’s WWF writer Ed Ferrara, playing an audience member, impersonating a Bell’s Palsy-afflicted Jim Ross for 500 of Tiger Ali Singh’s dollars. Steve Williams then interrupted, dropping his future manager on his head and powerbombing Singh.
Back to live action on WWF Raw, Jim Ross unveils his own announce table reading, “JR is Raw”. Fans cheer, but for storyline reasons he has to pretend they’re booing him.
Public Enemy challenge Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett for the tag team titles. Amid rumors that the team is resented backstage, Public Enemy gave pre-recorded comments about wanting to earn respect in the WWF.
Flyboy Rocco attempts to jump onto Jeff Jarrett through a table but instead gets crotched on the top rope by Owen. Rocco never gets any offense in after this, but he does tag out to Johnny Grunge. Grunge fares better against Hart until Jeff smashes a guitar over his head. The referee sees this but, due to Public Enemy’s backstage heat, lets it slide. The champs pick up the 1-2-3 in two minutes. Jim Ross starts comparing Public Enemy to Monica Lewinsky (in terms of not being welcome) but gets cut off before he can fully explain himself.
Backstage, Vince McMahon is on the phone with Greenwich’s police sergeant. The sarge is skeptical, thinking this is a publicity stunt.
The United States Coast Guard’s Rescue of the Week comes from Paul Wight, who rescued Vince McMahon from a mandible claw last night, then delivered an elbow drop to Mankind.
Back at the phone, Vince and Shane wonder what to do about the Ministry of Darkness trying to break into his home. Shane suggests calling Rodney or his boy Billy P. The phone rings, and it’s “him” (presumably Taker). Quoting a PSA, Undertaker allegedly says, “It’s almost 10 o’clock, do you know where your family is?”
Coming up shortly on WWF Raw is the Hard Time match pitting Mideon against Bossman in a steel cage. Vince plots with his Corporation.
From inside a shark’s mouth, Mankind tells Mr. Socko he’s going to bathe him in Paul Wight’s saliva.
Speaking of saliva, Jim Ross predicts this match will be a slobberknocker. Jim Ross talks over Michael Cole while Mideon comes down for the second consecutive heel vs. heel match. The match is contested under first-to-escape rules, but Bossman is under orders to brutalize Mideon instead of running away. Bossman opens the door to let in the rest of the Corporation, including the Big Show (pronounced with emphasis on “Show”).
Vince McMahon gets on the mic and threatens to destroy Undertaker’s most expendable underling unless Taker leaves his house. Understandably, Undertaker doesn’t care, giving some more cryptically threatening remarks.
After the commercial, the McMahons are on the phone again, but no one at home answers.
Footage airs of Jerry Lawler’s tour of the Playboy mansion. The security guard didn’t think Lawler was a legitimate visitor, despite the gilded jacket and crown. King meets Sable and Hugh Hefner, does his whole perv shtick, and finally gets kicked out for imitating Bruce the shark in the grotto pool (though neither his fin nor any other body part sticks above the surface).
In the ring, Sable shows her photos (with tasteful black bars) on the Titantron. King wants to know where “the rest of it” is, but unbelievably, Sable refuses to show the full frontal nudity on TV.
Tori then interrupts with an unbelievably stilted promo that makes Sable sound like Stone Cold. To win over the crowd, she takes her clothes off, although even her underwear is still less revealing than the outfit Sable has on.
At the McMahon house, a cop knocks on the door but doesn’t seem to find anything amiss (This footage is captured by the same WWF cameraman who, one can only guess, is working with the Ministry). To drive home the seriousness of the situation, Lawler says, “There’s always trouble going down on the mean streets of Greenwich”, segueing into a video package on Shane’s posse. One of Shane’s bros, Willie Green, appears only in shadow to protect his identity.
Billy Gunn does Road Dogg’s mic routine leading into his match with Hardcore Holly. The sound technicians must not be impressed, as he is barely audible. Gunn promises to make the Hardcore champion “fame-ass”, a new, quickly forgotten catchphrase that will live on in his confusingly-named finisher.
The dueling announcers talk over each other while calling the wrestling action (garbage can shots). Gunn cracks a broomstick over Holly’s back, but his introduction of a chair backfires. As Lawler intimates that Cole is not as good a play-by-play man as Jim Ross, Holly smashes something into Gunn’s face. Cole immediately recognizes it as a mug of juice, proving his value as a commentator. On the other hand, he doesn’t know what a government mule is.
Holly hits Gunn with a chair, but Gunn kicks out. While Hardcore argues with the ref, viewers get a chance to take in some of the fans’ signs, such as the one advertising snuff films and the one that says, “I like naked chicks”.
Billy Gunn presses Holly over the top rope, where he collides with JR’s announce table. The table appears fully functional, but Ross nonetheless chides Holly for breaking it.
Gunn hits his newly-christened Fame-Asser (whose name Cole repeats so that we understand its subtleties) and pins Hardcore Holly to win the title. With Gunn, who’s been chasing the IC title for three months, now holding the Hardcore title, what’s he going to do at WrestleMania? WWF just ruined a perfectly good storyline!
The McMahons and the stooges (now without face paint) discuss the Undertaker situation before Taker himself hijacks the monitor feed, taunting Vince further and threatening “her”. Cameras catch many angles of the McMahon home, implicating at least two cameramen and the production truck in this operation. They accidentally cut to a shot of a camera set down sideways in the ring…
…before revealing a burning cross on McMahon’s front lawn. I’d love to hear his neighbors’ thoughts on this.
Jerry Lawler is incredulous. “How could the police be at Mr. McMahon’s home, see nothing, and then moments later, the Undertaker’s symbol is set on fire right in McMahon’s front yard”. King has obviously never heard, “Killing in the Name”.
Jim Johnston certainly has; his D-Generation X theme plays in the arena. It’s Triple H, who faces Kane at WrestleMania. He calls out Kane, who tried to burn him last week. As for Chyna’s partially burned retina, he is largely indifferent. Kane, sporting two long sleeves and a slightly slimmer build, brawls with Triple H until Vince McMahon intervenes. He desperately needs Kane to help him talk to The Undertaker, but not desperately enough to rush out without getting miked up. “Kane” unmasks to reveal the Undertaker, who grabs Vince by the lapel, turns the lights out, and disappears while Kane’s pyro and music hit for some reason.
It’s time for the WWF Raw main event. WWF Raw is out of commercial breaks, so “we’re staying here for the remainder of this tag team match-up”. Mankind tries to go it alone against Rock and Big Show before Stone Cold shows up.
In what Cole calls a preview of WrestleMania, Austin and Rock duke it out during the opening minutes until Mankind tags in. An attempt at Mankind’s Elbow goes awry when Paul Wight kicks him. The Big Show, so called for the seat of his not-quite-large-enough trunks, tags in and delivers some unusual (read: silly) offense for a man his size, taking Mankind down with a Russian leg sweep. “What a Maneuver!” says Cole.
The Rock tags in, hits the Corporate Elbow, but Austin breaks up the pin. Mankind then schoolboys Rock, pulling down his warm-up pants in the process. Big Show tags in and out, and Rock hits Mankind in the groin while the ref’s not looking.
The announcers make reference to “this weekend” proving that only the WWF can do pay-per-view wrestling.
In what Cole calls a preview of WrestleMania (again), Austin tags in and battles The Rock. All four men end up in the ring, then out of it. Jim Ross’s announce table collapses (for real this time) under the weight of Austin and The Rock. Austin also delivers an elbow on The Rock through the Spanish announce table.
All four participants continue to brawl on the outside when Austin’s theme music starts playing spontaneously and WWF Raw goes off the air. Technically, Cole is right about getting to see the entire tag team match, as the bout, “scheduled for one fall, TV time remaining”, presumably ends the instant WWF Raw goes off the air.
Final tally:
1 Maneuver