WWF Raw – February 22nd, 1999 – UTC Arena – Chattanooga, TN
WWF Raw opens with a video package of last week’s ladder match main event, including Michael Cole’s immortal call of “Holy cow!”
It’s WWF Raw episode 300 by my reckoning. I suppose it depends on whether you count 1994’s “Countdown to the Crowning” as an episode. Tonight will feature WWF Raw’s first-ever Inferno match, pitting The Undertaker vs. Kane.
Vince McMahon comes to the ring to preemptively gloat over The Undertaker being burned alive tonight. If the idea of Kane being the one to go up in flames ever enters his mind, it doesn’t bother him.
Vince then introduces WrestleMania’s guest referee Paul Wight, whom Jerry Lawler predicts “will be the most dominant force in the history of the World Wrestling Federation”. Wight thanks McMahon for taking him “out of hell’s fire” (WCW) and through “Heaven’s gate” (WWF). Well, it is kind of a cult.
As Wight discusses his recent rampage through the WWF, Vince stands there holding the microphone with a genuine look of orgasmic joy over having such a big man in his employ. Paul Wight recounts throwing Stone Cold through a cage wall (neglecting that this won Austin the match), then holds up his hand and says that last week, Mankind felt “the Big Nasty”. I shudder to think what he means by that.
Out next is The Rock, whom Michael deems the favorite at WrestleMania given that “The Big Nasty” will be refereeing. Why would Paul Wight name himself after a sex act? Rock takes exception to “that big jabroni” taking credit for Rock’s win over Mankind last week, and Wight retorts that he’s surprised Rock heard it through his “thick skull”. Wight calling anyone thick is a bit rich. Vince chuckles like it’s all in good fun until The Rock asks, rhetorically, for the identity of this roody-poo, then tells said roody-poo to both know his role and shut his mouth.
Wight, showing off his wit, calls Rock a “pebble” and tells him to shut his big hole—his mouth of course! I’d hate for The Rock to feel the Big Nasty in his hole, and so would Vince, who plays it all off as good-natured ribbing. “Here in the Corporation, we like to have fun”, says Vince. “We like to make jokes, fool around, things of that nature”.
But Rock isn’t joking, calling Big Show a 500-pound bag of monkey crap and threatens to lay the smack down on his candy ass. Wight picks up McMahon by the waist and moves him out of the way so he can get face to face with The Rock.
Just then, Mankind’s music hits. Foley, who last night started a petition to be a second guest referee at WrestleMania, has drawn stripes on Mr. Socko. As an audition, he suggests he referee a match between Paul Wight and The Rock for the title later tonight on WWF Raw. Both competitors agree, to Vince McMahon’s dismay.
WWF Raw returns with a shot of an intra-Corporate argument. In a crowded dressing room, members of the Corporation separate Rock and Big Nasty.
WrestleMania XV is brought to you by M&Ms, whose mascot appears to be burning in a circle of fire.
Gangrel drinks his customary red liquid before the Brood’s match tonight against Public Enemy, who are making their WWF debut. Public Enemy hits the Brood with “double-team maneuvers” like the flapjack. After another Double-Team Maneuver (the Tower of Quebec) on Gangrel, Christian interferes to end the match by DQ. The teams brawl until Public Enemy take a powder and reach for some chairs, at which point the lights go out. When the lights come back on, they’ve been blood-bathed.
In the parking lot during the break, Undertaker chastises the Brood for their loss and tells them he’ll teach them discipline and pain. I hope he doesn’t mean the Big Nasty! Instead, the rest of the Ministry beats up the trio.
Val Venis is here for commentary as Billy Gunn faces Ken Shamrock to determine Val’s challenger at WrestleMania. Regarding rumors that Gunn is now seeing Ryan Shamrock, Venis (an adult film star, mind you) dismisses the relationship as “sloppy seconds”. I heard another rumor, though, that many of Val’s own co-stars had also had sex before!
Venis and Lawler joke about using up Ken Shamrock’s sister, then speculate that Ken is a virgin who tosses “his own salad”. Wow, and you thought Lanny Poffo was impressive! Lawler asks for a “graphic description” of Val’s shower scene with Ryan, so Venis promises to show him the unedited version.
Meanwhile, there is a wrestling match going on; the King makes fun of Michael Cole for trying to call the in-ring action instead of talking about sex. Val himself then stops talking about sex and gets involved in the match. Hmm… does this mean Val’s a virgin, too?
Venis throws Gunn into the ring, but Ken Shamrock exits to brawl with Venis. All three men end up fighting until Ryan comes to ringside and gets whisked away by her big brother.
Vince McMahon is backstage trying in vain to talk The Rock out of wrestling Paul Wight. A window is open, and someone outside is beeping their car horn incessantly.
Just like last week on WWF Raw, Sable is here to talk with Kevin Kelly. Kelly notes Sable’s change in attitude, but Sable steers the conversation towards her appearance on Regis & Kathie Lee. She then points out her stalker in the crowd, inviting her into the ring. Sable asks her name (Tori) and asks her to share what she likes about Sable. The soft-spoken Tori praises her grace, beauty, and power, but Sable calls her pathetic and a skank.
Luna, the voice of reason, is here to say that not every woman can be like Sable. She’s only the Women’s champion, says Luna, because of her looks. But Sable replies that she doesn’t care about women, only the men, which draws huge cheers. As her music plays, she hits both Luna and Tori in the back with her title belt.
Vince talks with Paul Wight, who says that it’s alright if he beats The Rock tonight because the title will still be in the Corporation.
D’Lo Brown is in the ring demanding that Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett recognize who the hell he is, in this case via a handicap match. If D’Lo beats the champions by himself, shouldn’t he get the titles? D’Lo catches Jarrett with the Sky High (“What a Maneuver by D’Lo!” says Cole), but Owen breaks up the pin.
The two heels dominate the one babyface for most of the match until D’Lo crotches Owen Hart on the top turnbuckle to prevent a double-team move. As Brown handles Jarrett, Debra distracts the referee, PMS comes to ringside, and Jacqueline dropkicks D’Lo from behind. Owen pins Brown with a spinning heel kick, then joins Jeff Jarrett in roughing him up after the match.
In the boiler room, Mankind spray-paints zebra stripes for his refereeing gig.
Mankind makes his entrance first. As a copyright notice appears on screen to signify WWF Raw is War’s transition to WWF WarZone, Vince McMahon strolls to the ring. He smugly tells Foley that the match is canceled, and that he should stick Mr. Socko where the sun don’t shine (which I believe is the Big Nasty).
But The Rock, dressed as always in his warm-up gear, makes his entrance anyway. Upon Rock’s request, Paul Wight brings his roody-poo candy ass to the ring, accompanied by an indistinct theme with a heavy drum track. Vince McMahon, on commentary, is disconsolate.
When the bell rings, Wight pie-faces The Rock, then kicks Mankind. The Rock joins in as Vince McMahon cackles and howls. I hope Mankind disqualifies them both! Rock and Wight pick Mankind up so Vince can punch him.
Backstage, The Rock, Paul Wight, and the rest of the Corporation celebrate and go out to dinner on The Rock’s tab.
Steve Blackman is in the ring with his martial arts glowsticks. No one gets into heaven without a glow stick! He faces Droz, who’s returning from suspension after hitting Kevin Kelly. The “rude, crude, and tattooed” Droz wears what appear to be pajama bottoms and dishes out most of the offense until Blackman hits a pump kick and wins.
Droz, however, attacks Blackman with a glowstick after the match and chokes him out with it.
Backstage, a camera man spies on Vince McMahon, who gives instructions to Kane to fry the Undertaker.
WWF Raw returns with Undertaker cutting a promo in his secret lair on McMahon. Taker promises a surprise and vows to take over the WWF.
Goldust is here to face Val Venis in a non-title match. Pre-match, the Big Valbowski brags about being the “biggest” Intercontinental champion of all time. This is classic revisionism, as both Scott Hall and Kevin Nash were much taller.
Goldust has Venis literally on the ropes until he takes a break to rub himself, allowing Venis to take advantage. Soon, it’s Val’s turn to rub himself. Goldust soon ruins the mood, however, countering a leapfrog with a punch to the groin. At this point, the Blue Meanie comes to ringside, but when the referee’s back is turned, he attacks Val Venis. The Meanie DDTs Val on the floor and rolls him back into the ring, where Goldust picks up the pin. On the ramp, Meanie blows kisses to a bewildered Goldust to say “You’re welcome”.
WWF Raw continues with Chyna and Shane McMahon pumping each other up in front of a mirror. Chyna faces X-Pac tonight to keep him from getting a European title match.
Hardcore Holly, as Bob is now sometimes called, defends his Hardcore title against Bart Gunn tonight. The Brawl For All champion arrives in his old Smoking Gunns attire (jeans) and punches Bob until he retreats. Holly turns things around quickly by smashing Bart in the head with a glass pitcher of Kool-Aid and a steel chair, so Bart evens things up with a mug and the ring bell.
The former New Midnight Express teammates brawl behind the barricade. Holly then blasts Gunn with the fire extinguisher hose and smashes him in the face with a tub of ice. Holly pulls out all the stops in this hardcore match, including an attempted wrestling move, but Gunn reverses it into a vertical suplex.
Both men fight up the stage, where Bart finds a watermelon and hits Holly over the head with it. The fruit fight continues when Holly hits Gunn in the grapefruits and smashes a crate of bananas over his head. The Hardcore champ continues his assault with a trash can. Hey, you can’t eat that! Unless you refuse to put on these glasses.
Michael Cole notes that the men “are up fifteen feet high on that steel stage”, which suggests a) Cole is a lousy judge of height, and b) someone is going to fall off it. Bart hits Holly with a sack of flour but gets ambushed by a large Steve Williams-sized man in a kabuki mask. The masked man chucks Bart through a table on the floor, waves his arms karate-ily, and walks off, never to be seen again. Holly then descends six feet via the stairs and pins Gunn to retain the title.
WWF Raw returns from this shocking turn of events to present Chyna vs. X-Pac. Shane McMahon, wearing a homemade “X-Punk” jersey, accompanies Chyna and cuts a promo. Note that this “X-Punk” jersey is different from the “X-Chump” shirt he was wearing twenty minutes ago. On the mic, Shane can’t decide which is the better insult.
X-Pac rushes to the ring with Triple H in tow, cornering Shane. Chyna gives X-Pac a low blow while the ref is tied up with Hunter. She then tries to bust X-Pac’s bronco but misses. This allows X-Pac to chase Shane McMahon around the ring rather than pin Chyna so he can get a title shot.
However, while the referee is occupied with Shane and X-Pac, Triple H hits a Pedigree on Chyna. X-Pac pins Chyna to earn his title shot, having never actually hit Chyna. “Hey Shane,” says Triple H. “One bitch down, one to go.”
This Friday night, Stone Cold Steve Austin appears on CBS’s Nash Bridges.
It’s main event time on WWF Raw. Vince McMahon heads to the ring, where he promises Undertaker’s flesh will burn in an inferno. “This will not be for the weak of stomach”, says Michael Cole for about the tenth time tonight. Once someone is set on fire, the match is over, and fans can go to the Home Shopping Network for great deals on WWF merchandise.
Vince McMahon, who reveals that the envelope Undertaker gave the McMahons last week was “personal” and crossed a line, is on commentary. McMahon wants Kane to turn the Undertaker into a French fry, but my old summer job in a carry-out place tells me that he needs to be blanched first. “What a Maneuver by Kane!” says Cole when Kane suplexes his brother.
Paul Bearer delivers a wrapped hat box to Vince McMahon, which he at first declines to open until after the immolation. When he does open it, he finds a teddy bear and has to leave the desk and plead with Paul.
Kane throws Undertaker over the ropes, then leaps at him from the top rope, only to be redirected onto the announce table. Kane then tries to boot Taker, but his brother sets Kane’s foot onto the flames and sets it ablaze. Taker wins, and the safety crew around the ring let Kane burn.
Undertaker then takes Vince’s teddy bear and burns it. “No!” cries Vince. “No!” Don’t worry, Vince, you can buy a new one. Maybe even on the Home Shopping Network right now!
Final Tally:
4 Maneuvers