WWF Raw – February 13th, 1999 – SkyDome – Toronto, ON
This special Saturday night WWF Raw opens with a recap of the Royal Rumble and its fallout leading to Austin-McMahon at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Tonight, Austin will face Mankind in a non-title match.
It’s WWF Raw Saturday Night from Toronto’s SkyDome. On the plus side, it’s the largest crowd ever for WWF Raw. On the minus side, it was taped on Monday, having been pre-empted by a dog show.
Steve Austin is out first, and he promises to not only beat Vince McMahon at the pay-per view, but cause bloodshed. That’s the magic word that brings Mankind down to the ring. Foley says he and Austin will meet again at WrestleMania, but that tonight, somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked (Somebody’s gonna get their wig split), even if he can’t guarantee who.
Foley is interrupted by the 1999 Royal Rumble theme song, “No Chance in Hell”, which is now the Corporation’s theme. Gone is that electronic tune and the repurposed Mötley Crüe Titantron. In its place is a sitcom-like roll call of the Corporate members.
The Rock promises to beat Mankind at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, which he neglects to mention is tomorrow night (because, for the live audience, it’s not for another six days).
Vince McMahon, who is drowned out by the entire SkyDome calling him an A-hole, notes that, like the title of his new theme song, Steve Austin has no chance in hell. McMahon is so confident of his own victory, he guarantees that no Corporate member will interfere in the cage match, threatening to fire the entire Corporation if even one of them gets involved. But for Austin, after the cage match, the WWF will never (ever) be the same a-gain (Though Vince pronounces it the American way). Oh, and by the way, Vince will referee Austin-Mankind tonight. The boss dances and bobs his head to his new tune.
Tonight, The Rock will face… Steve Blackman? As a reminder, this is WWF Raw Saturday Night—they don’t want to upstage Shotgun.
Backstage, Mark Henry touches Debra’s legs… on a TV screen.
After the break, Henry accompanies D’Lo Brown to the ring, though the chyron identifies him only as “Sexual Chocolate” (“Mark Henry” wouldn’t have fit). Mark’s infatuation with Debra keeps getting him beaten up by Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart.
Tonight, D’Lo faces Jarrett one-on-one. But first, Brown has a surprise for Henry: his very own concubine, who will do anything, any time, anywhere that Mark wants. This way, Mark will be able to satisfy his appetite for white women without getting into trouble. Lest you think I’m needlessly injecting race into this, they call her Ivory. Bet you forgot how she got that name, huh?
About a minute into the match, Jeff puts the figure four on D’Lo until Ivory steps in and distracts him with her scarf. D’Lo then hits Jeff with the Sky High to win. This leads to a pull-apart catfight between Debra and Ivory.
Footage from earlier today shows a view into one of SkyDome’s hotel rooms, where Val Venis waits in a towel. In steps another figure, also clad only in a towel. It’s The Wall, brother! Or, say the announcers, Ryan Shamrock.
A video package recaps the Val-Ryan-Ken love triangle. Well, not a love triangle exactly (Yikes!), but a storyline. Kevin Kelly, the recent go-to announcer for all things sexy, asks Val whether this is all just a ploy to “get a rise” out of Ken Shamrock. And wouldn’t you know it, Venis turns this innocent phrase into something sexual.
But before Val can finish this week’s double-entendre, Ken rushes to the ring and absolutely whales on him. A series of referees try to break up the violence but get suplexed and ankle-locked for their trouble.
WWF Raw returns to find Ryan Shamrock in the dressing room with Val. Venis vows to end this thing with Ken tonight.
Goldust comes to the ring, where he is greeted by his own usher. The future ass-buffer delivers blue flowers and candy to the Bizarre One, who throws them back in the usher’s face. Goldust faces Gillberg, who is looking to continue his 0-2 streak.
The former Duane Gill “spears” Goldust and bounces off. The Bizarre One delivers the Curtain Call, but before he can extend Gillberg’s streak to 0-3, Bluedust appears on screen, naked but for some flowers. Amid the distraction, Gillberg school-boys Goldust for the three-count, snapping his streak. That would be like if Goldberg’s streak ended on his third match (and I don’t mean that dark match loss to Chad Fortune).
Immediately after the match, Goldust puts the boots to Gillberg and shatters his dreams. The lights then turn blue and flicker, and when they come back on, Goldust is covered in blue paint. Is the Blue Meanie parodying the Brood now? And if so, will he start drinking that blue liquid from the Stayfree commercials?
Earl Hebner announces that none of the referees will officiate the Ken Shamrock match at the PPV, and that if no one volunteers to officiate it, Shamrock will forfeit the title to Val Venis. That seems like a pretty major decision for Hebner to make unilaterally, but what do I know about the WWF’s power structure?
DX now comes to the ring. Along the way, Triple H shows off a fan’s sign declaring him “The FrancHHHise”. Sorry, Hunter, but like “The Triple Threat”, that name is already taken. Have you tried, “The Game”?
Triple H, who teams with X-Pac against Chyna & Kane tomorrow night, addresses Chyna with a series of baseball metaphors. The gist of it is, Chyna stands no chance because she lacks a penis and testicles. Speaking of baseball, Road Dogg wears a Chicago White Sox cap (They’re in Toronto).
As cameras pick out two DX fans with the sorriest-looking chest paint jobs you ever did see, X-Pac addresses Kane, the other half of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre tag match. Last week on WWF Raw, says X-Pac, he busted Kane open by slamming the cage door on him. I think the chair shot to the head might have also had something to do with it, Sean. Tonight, X-Pac faces Kane one-on-one. As for Shane, X-Pac tells the boss’s son to bring, rather than sing, it.
Road Dogg then addresses Al Snow, promising to end their best-of-three series early with a victory at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, walking a proverbial mudhole in his ass and moonwalking it dry. He also calls Head a “body-less bizitch”.
But what about Billy Gunn? Mr. Ass, feeling left out, takes off his inside-out sweatshirt and reveals a referee shirt. Gunn will officiate tomorrow night’s Shamrock-Venis match.
Speaking of referees, Vince McMahon comes out in his ridiculous sleeveless ref shirt. Mankind is out next, then Stone Cold.
McMahon gets on the mic and tells both competitors to break all the rules and be as violent as possible. “Kicks to the groin, quite frankly, would be appreciated.” Mankind and Stone Cold are to behave like Neanderthal animals (Homo neanderthalensis) and for somebody’s ass to get kicked. Unfortunately for Vince, he neglects to specify whose ass is to be kicked. As Austin can’t touch McMahon, Mankind (or specifically Mr. Socko) is the one to kick Vince’s ass. The Corporation rushes in, but the two would-be opponents clean house.
When WWF Raw returns, Vince McMahon and his Corporation come back on stage. The boss announces a Corporate Guantlet, wherein Stone Cold will face every Corporate member (minus The Rock) until someone is pinned.
The Godfather is on WWF Raw for the first time in a month, inviting Toronto onto the ho train. He faces Viscera. At one time, both men lost to the Undertaker in PPV casket matches within a four-month span, but only one of them has since sided with the Lord of Darkness (and it’s not the former voodoo practitioner).
Viscera’s pal Mideon joins the announce desk and shows off his eyeball in a glass. Mideon, who faces the Bossman tomorrow night (yes, on PPV) talks a mile a minute, which is about how long the match lasts before he interferes. With Mideon’s help, Viscera splashes Godfather after the bell rings.
In the locker room, Ken Shamrock brawls with Val Venis until Billy Gunn tells them to stop so he can beat them both up.
Next up is X-Pac vs. Kane, which King compared to David and Goliath. Lawler points out, helpfully, that Kane is Goliath. Unlike in the Bible story, Chyna bodyslams David before he can fell Goliath (in the original, she stays out of it). Before Chyna can Pedigree X-Pac, Triple H runs in and takes out Kane, leaving Chyna alone with Hunter and X-Pac. Chyna wants to take them both (she’s hardcore), but Kane pulls her to safety.
Speaking of hardcore, the champion of said division is found flat on his back in the dressing room. He’s unconscious, with raspberry jam coming out of his ears. Helpfully, there are two steel chairs piled on him to help investigators piece together what happened. A confused Road Dogg keeps saying, “Billy” to the EMT.
Al Snow, Road Dogg’s opponent tomorrow night, pulls out a bunch of weapons from under the ring, including the ubiquitous cookie sheet (with cookies!). Snow challenges anyone to a hardcore match, but finding no takers, he decides to wrestle himself. Al blasts himself in the face with a fire extinguisher, hits himself with a cookie sheet, and moonsaults through a table. Lawler points out that there is a referee (Mike Chioda) in the ring to officiate this one-man match.
Al’s JOB Squad partner Bob Holly then comes down to bring Snow to his senses. It doesn’t work, so instead they beat each other up. Rather than make this an official match, the referees try to separate the two men. So I guess the Al Snow vs. Al Snow match is a no-contest.
In a backstage interview, Kevin Kelly asks Droz what his problem is with the Oddities. Rather than answer, Droz slaps Kevin for calling him a punk last week. Steve Blackman pulls Droz away.
Blackman now has his match with The Rock, who adjusts his warm-up jacket to cover the People’s Nipple. The Rock grabs the mic for an important announcement: He’s going to kick Steve’s roody-poo candy ass. Blackman gets some shots in before Rock DDTs him and grabs a headset for some special commentary. The Rock, says the Rock, just gave that roody-poo candy ass a Rockwich with a side of extra Rock Sauce. So that’s what The Rock was cooking!
When Rock returns to the ring, Blackman gives him a vertical suplex and shoulder tackle but gets caught up on the ropes after a missed bicycle kick. Rock hits the Rock Bottom and Corporate Elbow to a huge ovation. But he’s the heel! Truly, Canada is Bizarro World.
WWF Raw returns for its main event, the 5-on-1 Corporate Gauntlet. Tony Chimel announces the match can be won only by pinfall or submission, leaving the rest of the rules to the fan’s imagination. Michael Cole vaguely states that Austin must run the gauntlet until he pins someone, neglecting to explain how that works.
Austin starts out with Ken Shamrock as Vince and company look on. Fans chant “You screwed Bret” at Vince. Austin escapes an ankle lock and hits the Stunner on Shamrock, then covers him. Test, however, interferes, causing Shamrock to be disqualified and making Test the legal man.
Soon, Test eats a stunner and gets disqualified when Kane bails him out.
Now Kane is the legal man. The Big Red Machine chokeslams Austin, who kicks out. Kane tries a tombstone, but Austin counters with a Stunner. You’ll never guess what happens next: Chyna interferes (via a low blow), DQ’ing Kane and making her the legal woman.
Austin immediately stuns Chyna, and Bossman becomes the legal man when he breaks things up.
Vince throws a nightstick to Bossman, who repeatedly jams Austin in the neck with it in full view of the referee. This time, there is no DQ. With Austin choked out, Vince McMahon steps in, takes off his jacket, and becomes the legal man. Now, presumably, Bossman is disqualified.
Finally, Vince McMahon covers Austin. Earl Hebner slowly counts to three, and Vince McMahon picks up his first pinfall victory.
With his Corporation restraining Austin in the corner, Vince gets in his face, drinks a beer, pours it on Austin, and yells at him. Beer and drool drip out of the boss’s mouth as he gets right in Stone Cold’s face.
Final tally:
7 disqualifications