WWF Raw starts off with stills of last night’s shocking finish to the Royal Rumble, where Steve Austin forgot the Royal Rumble was still going on and got dumped out by Vince McMahon.
Shane McMahon, already in the ring with the Corporation, introduces the new #1 contender, Vince. Mr. McMahon enters to last night’s pay-per-view theme, titled, “No Chance in Hell”. Michael Cole is hoarse tonight after calling what he calls the greatest Royal Rumble of all time (and what many call the worst).
“I’m going to WrestleMania!” proclaims Vince McMahon, though I assume he’d have been there anyway, even if he hadn’t won. He then not only congratulates The Rock for winning the title last night, but awards him the hundred thousand dollar bounty for helping him (or watching him, as Vince so modestly puts it) eliminate Stone Cold. McMahon then assures Rock that he won’t have to face the boss at WrestleMania, because he has forfeited his title shot (with a replacement to be named later).
Steve Austin then appears in what appears to be a bar in San Antonio. Stone Cold insists he’s going to WrestleMania to face the champion, despite Vince winning the Royal Rumble. And backing him up is Commissioner Shawn Michaels, who shows up behind the bar and tells Vince McMahon about some obscure bylaws of the WWF Royal Rumble. Apparently, if the winner can’t or won’t compete at WrestleMania, the runner-up will replace him. Roman Reigns should have invoked this clause in 2017 when Randy Orton temporarily gave up his title shot.
Vince McMahon is about to cry, but Steve Austin has an offer that could cheer him up: he’ll wrestle Vince McMahon in a cage at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, with the Mania title shot on the line. After Stone Cold points out that Vince could win just by running away, McMahon accepts.
An ad for the Royal Rumble encore presentation airs, promising 30 men (actually 29 men and Chyna) and only one man left standing (who then forfeited his title shot, nullifying the results).
After the break, an armored car pulls up, presumably with the hundred grand for The Rock.
Goldust faces Billy Gunn, who this week does the Road Dogg lines about butt-dialing. Gunn is accompanied by Triple H and Chyna, but not X-Pac or Road Dogg. Before the match, however, Triple H gets on the mic and challenges The Rock to an I Quit match for the WWF title tonight on WWF Raw.
When the bell finally rings, Goldust rushes into the ring and pounds on Billy Gunn. The Bizarre One attempts to shatter Gunn’s dreams before the referee intervenes. Billy then moons Goldust, with a wide-shot providing Head’s perspective. Last night, Goldust entered the Royal Rumble right after Al Snow, whose mannequin head he’s twice stolen. Thanks to some impressively bad planning, though, Snow was already eliminated by the time Goldust entered.
Goldust’s music then hits—unusual because the match is still going on. It’s the Blue Meanie dressed up in a blue robe, blue boa, and blond wig (two out of the three ain’t bad). “Bluedust” then hits Goldust with Head. Billy Gunn piledrives Goldust for the victory, and only then do Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler recognize the pudgy wrestler colored blue from head to toe. “You know who that is? From the JOB Squad! …That’s Blue Meanie!” The Meanie takes his friend’s Head back from Goldust.
WWF Raw returns with the Oddities in the ring. The Rock’s music hits, and Cole notes, “Well, I don’t think The Rock is scheduled for a match against the Oddities [because they suck]”. Fans pelt the new champion with garbage as he walks down the ramp. Rocky kicks the four Oddities out of the ring with the help of the referees.
In his first order of business, The Rock accepts the challenge to face Triple H (or more specifically, his roody-poo candy ass). As for his second order of business, we never find out because Mankind appears on the Titantron and assaults the guards of the armored truck. In a move that bodes poorly for Curtis, Inc., Mankind simply opens the door and steals the bag of money.
Mankind starts throwing money from the bag into the audience, though a lot of it doesn’t make it over the barricade, thanks to paper currency’s poor aerodynamics.
Mankind says he didn’t quit, then replays a promo from Sunday Night Heat where he says “I quit, I quit, I quit!” exactly like he supposedly did at Royal Rumble.
Foley challenges Rock to an empty arena match at Halftime Heat during The Big Game, which Rock accepts. This week, everyone is careful not to say “Super Bowl”.
WWF Raw returns with the Oddities again in the ring, in case you were worried you wouldn’t see Giant Silva in action. Mideon, wearing an airbrushed shirt and carrying an eyeball in a jar (Yes, you read that right: an airbrushed shirt), leans over the announce table and starts raving to Jerry Lawler about evil coming to WWF Raw tonight. (He didn’t actually say, “WWF Raw”, but I have to include that phrase a certain number of times for SEO purposes).
Droz arrives, not in LOD 2000 gear, and kicks the Oddities out of the ring, except for George Steele, whom he challenges specifically. It’s a bad night for Giant Silva fans. The Animal bites Droz’s arm and sticks him in the neck with a foreign object, then bites open the turnbuckle pad. Droz (or The Droz, as both announcers call him) then smashes George into the exposed turnbuckle and pins him at the 0:50 mark. Not that anyone’s complaining about the match length.
Droz continues to assault the 61-year-old after the bell, as well as referees who try to stop him. The Oddities then storm the ring and run Droz off. Well, Kurrgan and Golga do; Giant Silva is too slow and doesn’t make it in time. Dammit!
During the break (of WWF Raw), the stooges tell Bossman and Ken Shamrock to ingest saltpeter so they’ll be focused on their match and not Debra. It’s not an ADHD medication, it’s a libido suppressant (although this is actually a myth). The point is, Bossman won’t be serving hard time, and Shamrock won’t get in the zone.
Kevin Kelly informs Debra, who laughs off these attempts at resistance. Mark Henry then comes over to flirt with Debra, who tells Sexual Chocolate she has a sweet tooth.
Shamrock & Bossman now defend their tag team titles against fellow heels Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart. Michael Cole asks King about saltpeter, or as he calls it in a Freudian slip, “soft peter”. Lawler says armies used to give it to soldiers “to retard their sex drive”, the only time in the whole Attitude Era that that word is used as a verb.
Sure enough, Bossman shows no interest in Debra at the outset of the match and instead wants Jeff Jarrett (for wrestling). Bossman whips Jarrett into the corner and charges after him, but Jeff dodges and shoves him into the turnbuckle. “What a Maneuver by Jeff Jarrett!” says Cole. After both men tag out, Debra tries in vain to tempt Shamrock. Instead, Owen Hart has to rely on his wrestling moves, such as the enzuigiri, a Great Maneuver.
Things look bleak for the challengers when Owen misses a front dropkick from the top rope, so Debra opens her blouse. When this fails to divert Ken’s attention, Jarrett takes her blouse off entirely, exposing her bare arms. Still, Shamrock refuses to knuckle up, instead applying the ankle lock to Hart.
Jeff Jarrett breaks up the hold, and the Blue Blazer (with the same build and skin color as Owen’s High Energy partner Koko B Ware) smashes Ken in the head with a guitar. Owen Hart pins Shamrock to win the titles for his team, then celebrates his vindication at having proven he’s not the Blue Blazer.
WWF Raw is War signs off, and WWF WarZone signs on. Shane McMahon comes out with the stooges, electronic theme, and Y2J titantron. He says that Kane apologized to the Corporation last night after having gone rogue on last week’s WWF Raw (and being swarmed by orderlies in the Royal Rumble). Now he’d like Kane to apologize in person. Sure enough, Kane whips out his vibrator and says, twice, “I apologize”. But Shane wants him to get on his knees to apologize, which he does, but again McMahon’s not satisfied. What’s next? Does he have to bark like a dog?
Out comes X-Pac, who tells the stooges to step off. He urges Kane to stop taking orders from the Corporation and to join up with D-X. Surely, a neon green Kane outfit is just weeks away! X-Pac then says something about Shane’s dad that gets muted and threatens to kick Shane’s ass. Instead, X-Pac gets chokeslammed by Kane and gets his bronco busted by Shane.
Earlier today, PMS had D’Lo Brown go into Walgreens and buy tampons. The female clerks recognize him, and he walks away embarrassed. It’s D’Lo’s fault, though. If it weren’t for him, Terri wouldn’t need those for a long time.
Val Venis debuts his new video, titled Sister Act. That’s what the title card says, at least; Val calls it Saving Ryan’s Privates both in the ring and in the video, but they don’t put it in writing.
It stars, according to the credits, “Ken Shamrock’s sister”. Venis gets in the shower with the woman before pulling the shower curtain closed. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of such a video? “Oh my gosh!” says King. “Is her name Ryan?” That’s probably something they should have established before naming the movie.
Venis faces Test, who has another theme song (this one, minus the German woman saying, “This isn’t a test”). Venis hits Test with a spinebuster, a Great Maneuver, but Ken Shamrock gives Val a loud chairshot that the referee doesn’t see (or hear). Test uses his finishing move, what Cole calls a “pumphandle slam into a slam”, to pin Venis.
Shamrock beats on his sister’s lover until Mr. Ass makes the save. Is this the beginning of a new tag team? The A/V Club? Unlikely, as Val soon attacks Gunn. Apparently, Val thinks Billy Gunn was the one who hit him with the chair and not the hot-tempered guy whose sister he just publicly rogered.
WWF Raw returns with “hardcore tag team action”. No, Val Venis is not involved. Instead, it’s the team of Al Snow and the Hardcore Champion Road Dogg. Both men have been victims of The Brood’s bloodbaths, although Road Dogg had the sense to change his shirt the next week. Ironically, though, it’s Road Dogg and not Al Snow who this week is wearing the same shirt he got blood-bathed in.
Roadie delivers a weak intro where he spells out a lot of words before he and Al wait to ambush Gangrel & Edge, armed with fire extinguishers. During the Brood’s entrance, the Snow Doggs shoot their extinguishers at not only their opponents but the fire itself. Safety first!
Behind the curtain, the four men hit each other with cookie sheets. The Brood run a dumpster into the babyfaces, a Maneuver that’s “as legal as a headlock”. Other weapons include poles and trash cans. The Brood even put Al Snow on a stretcher to run him down the hall but accidentally tip him over when they pull the wrong lever. Al Snow hits Gangrel with cutlery, and Gangrel butt-bombs Road Dogg on a table (which, just like last week, doesn’t break).
Everyone ends up in the women’s bathroom, where the Godfather’s ladies are powdering their nose. In the brief time he’s in the lavatory, Al Snow ends up with a toilet seat around his head.
Michael Cole notes that this is the first-ever hardcore tag team title match, either forgetting that Jarrett & Hart are the champions or inventing a brand new title. All four men climb up onto some crates and punch each other until Blue Meanie hands Al Snow his mannequin head. Snow hits Gangrel, everyone falls through a table, and Road Dogg pins Gangrel.
In a darkened room, Paul Bearer, Mideon, and the newest Ministry abductee/member Mabel listen to the Undertaker start to say something that gets cut off by a commercial.
WWF Raw returns with a backstage interview involving Al Snow and Road Dogg. The Hardcore champion, apparently excited after his big win, says that he’s just “hard” after the match. Snow and Road Dogg agree to a Hardcore title match but are ambushed by the Ministry.
The production truck cuts—a little too quickly—to the Undertaker sitting on a flaming throne. The gaffe reveals that this secret throne room is just feet away from the interview area, cordoned off by some junk and in plain view of backstage personnel. “This will be a holy war of epic proportions”, says Taker from his glorified pillow fort.
With no commercial breaks left on WWF Raw, it’s time for the I Quit main event. Triple H faces The Rock, who again wrestles in a shirt to hide his weird pecs. Years later, Hunter himself would use Photoshop for the same reason.
Triple H delivers nine punches to the Rock in the corner, then four crotch chops (to himself), then one final punch. Soon, Rocky calls it quits (not verbally, though, as that would end the match), but Hunter follows him up the ramp. Michael Cole gives The Rock for being a “tremendous sports entertainer” who went “nearly 40 minutes” last night with Mankind. Twenty-one minutes, forty-seven seconds, to be exact.
Rock refuses to quit, so Triple H sends him rolling down the ramp. The champion turns things around when he pulls the challenger into the timekeeper’s area, squashing a crew member. While the stagehand tries not to draw attention to himself (this same bump would typically knock a referee out for two minutes at least), The Rock takes a seat at the announce desk and grabs a house mic. The champ calls Triple H “half-gay” and tells him to quit (the match, that is, not bisexuality).
Triple H then brawls with the champ in the crowd and chokes Rock with an electrical cable, but again Rock won’t quit.
The champion avoids getting hit with the ring bell, then uses it for a Corporate Bell-bow. In response, Triple H tells Rock two words, but they’re not, “I quit”. Hunter hits the Pedigree, then rolls Rocky out of the ring (knocking over a cameraman) for Pedigrees onto the floor and announce table, respectively.
Before Hunter can hit the final Pedigree, the Corporation gets involved. Kane chokes Chyna, and the Bossman tells Triple H to quit or else Chyna will get hurt. Hunter complies, says he quits, and comes to Chyna’s aid. Hunter and Kane stare each other down, but Chyna gives Triple H a low blow and pie-faces him. The McMahons and the stooges welcome Chyna to the Corporation with hugs as the rest of the Corporate Team puts the boots to Hunter.
Final tally:
4 Maneuvers