WWF Raw – December 21st, 1998 – Spokane Arena – Spokane, WA
WWF Raw begins with Vince McMahon in the parking lot, as recorded “moments ago”, leaving Shane McMahon in charge while he goes off to train for the Royal Rumble match. He also promises a “Christmas bonus” for the Corporate Team when he comes back from his work-out. In light of the ongoing 2024 lawsuit, I shudder to think what this “bonus” could be.
The opening segment may have been pre-recorded, but so is the rest of the show, having been taped last Tuesday in Spokane. The Corporation has a new theme (a dark but cheesy electronic piece) and a new Titantron video (recycled from the Motley Crue concert and later re-used for Chris Jericho). Flanked by his Corporate Team, Shane McMahon starts to talk about doing things “the Shane McMahon way”, but he is immediately interrupted by DX.
Triple H says Shane may have the keys to the kingdom, but D-X has “the key-zuhhh to the boiler room-muhhh”. Out comes Mankind, prompting Shane to wonder aloud whether there is a loser convention in town. There is—LoserCon ’98—but by the time this episode actually airs, it’s been over for days. Fans call Shane an asshole.
Shane says the New Age Outlaws won’t get a rematch for their lost tag titles, but they will have a chance to get their “sphincters kicked” tonight. Can we knock it off with the sphincter talk? Shane hands off the mic to Commissioner Michaels to explain.
An inebriated-sounding Shawn Michaels slowly and raspily books Billy Gunn vs. Ken Shamrock, then books Road Dogg in a “big fat rolled-up hydroponic whompin’ and a stompin’” against the Bossman. Plus, Triple H and “his male companion X-Pac” face The Rock and Test.
Shane McMahon has one last surprise: he will go up against Mankind tonight as payback for Foley’s beatdown of Vince last week. “Is Shane out of his mind?” wonders Michael Cole lifelessly and insincerely (For simplicity’s sake, just assume everything Michael Cole says from now until Jim Ross’s return sounds lifeless and insincere). Shane says he’ll kick Mankind’s ass, to which Mankind laughs for thirty seconds straight.
Michael Cole notes that Stone Cold Steve Austin is featured in People magazine’s “25 Most Intriguing People” issue. That’s great and all, but he’s no TIME Man of the Year like Mick Foley.
WWF Raw returns with Mark Henry in an ugly green sweater, trying to convince D’Lo to let him get it on with some ladies backstage tonight before their tag match. Jerry Lawler speculates that the women in question could be Chyna and Debra. Jerry worries, though, that these extracurricular activities could cost him the House Speakership (would-be Speaker Bob Livingston having just declined the position over a sex scandal and ultimately replaced with Dennis Hastert, the safer pick).
As Michael Cole rattles off a list of upcoming WWF Raw dates, the “weird” Gangrel enters the ring to take on Al Snow. Snow controls the early going until Gangrel catches him with a powerslam. “What a Maneuver,” says Cole. Both Al Snow and Gangrel, says Cole, are a bit out there, Al Snow with Head, and Gangrel with his “Gothic lifestyle”. Snow attempts a reverse DDT, which Cole calls a unique Maneuver, which leads to a series of reversals, culminating in the Snow Plow. Snow scores the pin but gets jumped by The Brood in the dark and ends up covered in… Cole is about to say either red liquid or blood before King chimes in with “It’s a bloodbath!”
When WWF Raw returns, footage airs of the JOB Squad coming to Al Snow’s aid. Snow is beside himself at being covered in blood. Yes, blood. It’s okay to call it blood if nobody’s drinking it. “Not again!” says Al Snow, confusing the announcers, who’ve only seen him get this one bloodbath.
Billy Gunn, or “Mr. Ass” as Jerry Lawler insists, is out next. Gunn says he’ll look good with the Intercontinental title belt. Funny, I don’t remember Commissioner Michaels saying the title was on the line, but I’m sure it slipped his mind. I mean, did you hear how he was talking tonight?
Michael Cole hypes up an appearance by the real Santa Claus as the match gets under way. While Ken Shamrock takes down “B.A. Billy Gunn” several times, Jerry Lawler claims that, despite Undertaker admittedly being buried alive under two tons of dirt, it’s Steve Austin who came out of that match in worse shape.
Billy Gunn escapes a leg bar by punching Ken, which Michael Cole calls a Nice Maneuver. “Nice maneuver!?” says King, taking exception to the closed fist. He also takes exceptions to “those lips on his gluteus maximus”.
Shamrock heads off a Billy Gunn comeback with a clothesline, earning a 10-10-220 Double Feature, then slams Gunn’s knee and groin against the ring post. Ken then tries to get a chair, but referee Tim White confiscates it. Back in the ring, Shamrock tries whipping Gunn to the corner, but Billy’s knee fails him. Shamrock keeps working the leg, then takes an upright Billy Gunn down with a huracanrana for a two-count. Gunn scores a two-count of his own with a small package, followed by another near-fall by Shamrock with a fisherman’s suplex.
In the midst of all this action, Cole and Lawler run down tonight’s card, with Cole adding that he’s excited for the real Santa Claus. Gunn scores another near-fall, but when Shamrock cuts his leg out from under him, it looks like it’s over for Billy. Shamrock then attempts a victory roll, but Gunn counters with a roll-up for the 1-2-3. Billy Gunn is the champion, I assume!
Despite Tony Chimel’s declaration of a new Intercontinental champion, Shawn Michaels begs to differ. His exact words were that Billy would “fight” the Intercontinental champion, not that the title was up for grabs. Don’t try reading between the lines when all the words are slurred! Mr. Ass therefore has to return the belt, but he drops his trunks, as well. The Commissioner does the “Ew, stinky” nose wave before Shamrock blindsides Gunn.
Up next, “if you think Larry Flynt thinks he’s got dirt on the politicians,” says Jerry Lawler, once again referencing the House Speaker sex scandal, “wait till you hear what Hawk is about to dish out”. Indeed, the Playstation Slam of the Week (presented by Spyro the Dragon) is Hawk’s shot to Droz with a cast last night on Heat. Hawk promises to spill the beans on Droz.
Sure enough, when WWF Raw returns, Hawk comes to the ring. Hawk gets right to the point, saying that Droz was “the pusherman”. It seems Droz was giving Hawk the drugs so he could replace Hawk in the Legion of Doom. LOD, says Hawk, stands for “Lords of Discipline”, and he’s going to “discipline the hell out of” Droz when his arm heals. Yikes! Droz attacks Hawk, but Animal makes the save.
Cole recaps Hawk’s accusations somewhat inaccurately, claiming Droz was the one supplying Hawk “all these years”, even though he’s only been in the WWF for half a year. Hard as it is to believe, I think Hawk was able to find drugs on his own before 1998. “There’s no drugs in the WWF”, claims Lawler, the same night a pill-addled commissioner described a match as “rolled-up” and “hydroponic”.
Backstage, D’Lo pleads with Mark Henry, who nonetheless knocks on the double doors. Out pop Terri and Jacqueline, who invite him back in unison.
A replay airs of Steve Austin’s stunner to a phony Santa Claus last year. This year, though, the real Santa Claus will be here.
Steve Blackman wrestles The Blue Blazer, who last week on WWF Raw was umasked as Owen Hart. Jerry Lawler, however, still isn’t convinced it was Owen, despite video evidence. Then again, anybody could be (and has been) under the Blazer mask on any given night. Tonight, for example, the Blue Blazer runs to the ring, but his music is interrupted by Owen Hart calling Steve Blackman a liar.
“Double B” Blue Blazer jumps Blackman from behind while Owen heads to the announce table. Last week’s WWF Raw was clearly edited to frame him, argues Owen, but Michael Cole points out that the show was live last week. “It’s not me”, says Owen. “I don’t care”. Owen storms off, then trips Blackman and stomps him. The Blue Blazer, who has not removed his cape, loses via DQ.
Goldust makes the save and chases after the Blazer, whom Steve unmasks as Jeff Jarrett. Once again, Jerry Lawler is in denial, as is Owen Hart. “Who is that masked man?” he asks. He should also add that this WWF Raw is pre-taped, so you can’t prove it’s Jeff Jarrett.
In the designated sex locker room, Terri and Jacqueline go shower while Mark watches.
It’s the top of the hour, and Road Dogg is here to face the Bossman. Hopefully, no one wrongly assumes this match is for the Hardcore title. Dogg does his usual shtick on the stick, but slips in “former” before the words, “tag team champions of the world”. He also seems to remember mid-way through introducing Billy Gunn that he is actually alone in the ring. Oh well.
The Bossman, who won zero titles in his original five-year run with the company, comes to the ring with his two title belts. Road Dogg accuses Bossman of using his nightstick as a sex toy with Dogg’s cousin in prison, then dares him to put the Hardcore title on the line. Bossman agrees and threatens him with “hardcore” and “hard times”. He’s not beating the allegations.
Bossman fish-hooks and generally beats up Road Dogg until the Dogg hits him with a cookie sheet that was under the ring for some unfathomable reason. Without acknowledging that the piece of metal is in fact a cookie sheet, King wonders what it was doing under there. Bossman tries to retaliate by chucking the steel steps at him, but Road Dogg ducks and hits him with a bucket. Bossman whacks Road Dogg with the cookie sheet and brawls with him into the crowd.
After whipping Road Dogg with a belt, Bossman takes out a bag of white powder. Surely it’s talcum powder, because as Jerry Lawler earlier noted, there are no drugs in the WWF. “It’s some of that stuff he must have confiscated down there in Georgia”, jokes Lawler. Naturally, the powder ends up in Bossman’s face.
They brawl in the crowd yet again, and the Georgia cop pulls out a noose from under his uniform. This time, no one has to ask what that was doing under there. After choking out Road Dogg, Bossman covers him on the floor for a two-count. Road Dogg then hits Bossman below the belt and puts a trash can over him.
Once Bossman escapes the can, he nooses up Road Dogg again and whips him back and forth between bleachers. He does this so many times, a section is cut out in post-production, jumping to where Mankind sneaks up from behind. Mankind puts a net over Bossman, then hits him in the face with a bar. Road Dogg, noose still around his neck, pins the Bossman to win the Hardcore title.
In the privacy of the locker room (if you ignore the cameraman), Terri and Jackie undress Mark Henry. “Just thinking about Sexual Chocolate gets me,” says Terri before pausing while she thinks of an acceptable synonym for horny. “Going”. The ladies put a collar on Mark, now wearing only in his boxers, and lay him out on a massage table and put a gag in his mouth. Meanwhile, an anxious D’Lo warms up for their match.
Terri sprays Mark’s belly with whipped cream like a Sexual Chocolate sundae, says Jerry. Now it’s time for some “good vibrations”, and I don’t mean the Beach Boys song. Not the Marky Mark song, either. Oh, and not the Brian Wilson remake of the Beach Boys song, for that matter.
In a black and white vignette, Jeff Jarrett (recently unmasked as the Blue Blazer) tells us what pisses him off. Or rather, what (bleep)(bleeps) him off. They had to have two bleeps, one for each syllable. The list includes a wide range of socio-political phenomena, including world hunger, holy wars, politics, ugly women in politics, Madeleine Albright, Janet Reno, pigs, women with semen-stained dresses, Monica Lewinsky, semen-stained dresses (again), more pigs, and Hillary Clinton. You know, this list started out really promising.
Backstage, the stooges scold Shane for letting his ego get the best of him.
Also backstage, but in a different room, the women blindfold and cuff Mark Henry. Despite the gag in his mouth, Mark can still enunciate quite well.
While Jerry and Michael debate the merits of pregnant women and their sexiness (both men ultimately agree), Bob Holly and Scorpio enter the ring to face the Acolytes (whose original manager, the Jackyl, has now been forgotten). Bradshaw roughs both opponents up real good, and when Scorpio runs at Faarooq (standing on the apron) with an elbow, Scorpio somehow ends up selling it like he’s the one who got elbowed. The Acolytes deliver a high double-spinebuster to Scorpio, allowing Faarooq to attempt a one-footed pin that Holly breaks up.
Cole worries what’s “gotten into” the Acolytes, with their strange symbols and asocial behavior backstage. He also talks with Jerry about Mark Henry’s underwear. As Faarooq beats up Scorpio outside the ring, Bradshaw powerbombs Holly before the referee decides to disqualify the Acolytes. The Acolytes deliver some more beatings before walking away cool and collected (perhaps undermined slightly by Faarooq exiting the ring the fun, bouncy way).
The WWF Rewind, presented by Glover, is Shane McMahon’s challenge to Mankind.
Shane McMahon comes down the ramp backed up by Patterson and Brisco with the Brawl for All theme playing. Hey, remember Bart Gunn? The stooges are furious with Shane for making this match, but Shane isn’t having it.
Shane dances around the ring and tries some jabs before Mankind brings him back to reality with a clothesline. Up on the stage, Shawn Michaels holds back the Corporation from interfering just yet. Mankind grabs a chair and tells Shane he has a “Christmas surprise”; when Shane turns around, Mankind fakes him out like he’s going to swing it, sending Shane cowering to the mat. Instead, Mankind hands Shane the chair and tells him to hit him with it. His back turned, Mankind takes a chair to the back of the head and shoulders but is unfazed.
Mankind starts punching out a fleeing Shane, followed by the stooges, who bump around foolishly in an attempt to bail Shane out. Mankind ends up grabbing Patterson’s testes, which Michael Cole calls “Mr. Jacko”. As in Michael Jackson?
Mankind then applies the Mandible Claw to Shane using Mr. Socko, at which point The Rock finally intervenes, drawing a DQ. D-X then runs down, with X-Pac targeting Shane. “I can’t believe he’s Bronco Busted on Mr. McMahon’s son,” says King, which sounds absolutely filthy. Mankind and D-X drive the Corporation away.
Now it’s time for the real Santa Claus: Freddy Blassie. Various unsatisfied mall shoppers recall this Santa being anything but classy, chopping his crotch and ogling a large-breasted woman. This “WWF Attitude” spot is the pay-off to a night’s worth of hype.
In the parking lot, Patterson and Brisco await the return of Vince McMahon and worry about their Christmas bonus.
Outside the double doors, D’Lo’s frustration has reached its boiling point. As his music hits for the tag team match, Brown pounds on the doors to get Mark’s attention. “I’m coming” says Mark Henry, but probably not to D’Lo.
After a long while, D’Lo comes out alone to face the Headbangers. Backstage, Terri and Jacqueline have Mark Henry’s groin in a C-clamp and whip him as he begs for mercy. As D’Lo delivers a safer version of his running powerbomb that sees Mosh sit all the way up, the King delivers live updates about Henry’s tоrture. “Hot wax!?”
“What a Maneuver by D’Lo Brown”, says Cole of the powerbomb.
Jerry Lawler concurs, sort of. “What a maneuver! Vibrаtor!” According to his backstage source, gerbils are also involved.
Despite the commentary, there is a match going on, which the Headbangers win despite Brown’s valiant efforts. Only then does Sexual Chocolate appear, still in cuffs, his Hershey Highway allegedly patrolled by rodents. It seems Mark misunderstood when D’Lo told him to get his Gere on.
In the parking lot, Vince is livid at the stooges for allowing whatever it is that happened to Shane.
The Undertaker is on the cover (technically) of this month’s Tattoo magazine.
Triple H and X-Pac, weighing it at a combined 469 pounds (probably a gimmicked number), enter to take on The Rock and Test. Billy Gunn gets down on the mat, spread eagle beneath Triple H, but when offered the microphone, he only giggles.
Commissioner Michaels kicks out the rest of D-X but lets the Corporation stay at ringside. But Vince McMahon has other plans, deciding to let D-X stick around. Is he drunk? Vince isn’t, no.
The Rock, wrestling for one of the final times before his lipo, starts things off fast and furious with X-Pac. “It’s the same X-Pac who did the buckin’ bronco on Shane McMahon”, complains King, who sounds like he’s cursing but isn’t. Watch your bilabial plosives, King! There’s sounding a little labiodental fricative.
Triple H and Test square off next. Last night on Heat, Hunter skewered Test’s physique (specifically his lats) but ignored the fact that the Corporation’s newest member is wearing a woman’s top. Michael Cole cites Test’s hockey, football, lacrosse, and rugby experience.
Test and Triple H punch it out in the corner. Thanks to a distraction from The Rock, Test boots Triple H in the face and stomps him so many times, they have to cut some of them out in post. Triple H tags out after dodging Test’s charge to the corner.
X-Pac is a house of fire before getting low-bridged over the top rope. Rock crotches X-Pac, still the legal man thanks to non-lucha rules, on the ring post outside the rules. Finally Rocky shoves X-Pac back into the ring, only for Triple H to inadvertently cause a distraction and allow Rock and Test to double-team. “I wish someone would do the b**kin’ bronco on that idiot X-Pac”, says King, sounding even more like he’s saying the f-word.
The Rock tags in and performs the Corporate Elbow, complete with crotch chops, but Triple H breaks up the subsequent pin. As the ref pushes Hunter out, Test and Rock double-team X-Pac, resulting in a punch to X-Pac’s groin. Test is now the legal man thanks to some sloppy officiating by Earl Hebner, but X-Pac creates an opening with a spinning heel kick.
Test tags in Rock, but X-Pac makes the hot tag to Triple H, who cleans house until Test gets involved again. All four men end up in the ring, and when the dust settles, Test is somehow the legal man again. Triple H hits Test with the Pedigree, but The Rock breaks up the pin.
The lights then go out, and Kane’s music hits. Now free from the asylum, Kane saunters to the ring but to everyone’s surprise, he chokeslams D-X one by one. He even goozles The Rock until the Corporation waves it off. It seems the Christmas bonus is a Christmas Creature! The show ends just before Kane chokeslams Chyna.
Final tally:
4 Maneuvers (according to Cole)
- powerslam
- reverse DDT attempt
- punch
- running powerbomb
2 Maneuvers (according to Lawler)
- punch
- vibrаtor