WWF Raw once again opens without the intro theme, this time with The Rock coming to the ring to join Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and Vince McMahon. Kane and The Undertaker stand guard at on the ramp to make sure Steve Austin doesn’t attack McMahon. Tonight, the Brothers of Destruction face Stone Cold and a partner of his choosing. However, none of the three wrestlers in the ring will team with Austin, and in exchange they will get the opportunity of a lifetime, which Vince takes forever to explain. In the meantime, he urges the Rock to smell what Vince McMahon is cooking, lest he get a smackdown.
Finally, McMahon explains what the hell he’s talking about: the three men will wrestle tonight in a Triple Threat, with the winner facing the WWF champion on next week’s WWF Raw. McMahon exits the ring, triumphant, but because he has no theme music yet, Taker’s music plays.
Billy Gunn does the ring intros for DX tonight due to Road Dogg’s throat injury. Last night on Heat, he mistakenly addressed the “ladies and gentlemen, boys and kids”, so tonight on WWF Raw, Roadie has prepared cue cards. The Outlaws & X-Pac face Jeff Jarrett and Southern Justice at Breakdown, but tonight, Billy faces Jeff, whose shirt and guitar both read, “Don’t P*** Me Off”. He is now up to six stars total.
Commentating tonight are the same team who did Heat last night: Jim Cornette and Shane McMahon; James E explains that Lawler and Ross are away filming Man on the Moon. Gunn lands ten punches in the corner to the P-I-Double-S-M-E-O-Double-F, then counters a crossbody for a two-count. Billy himself misses a crossbody and tumbles to the outside, where he and Jeff brawl for way longer than ten seconds. Back in the ring, Jarrett covers Gunn for a two count that Shane mistakenly counts as three. A series of unfortunate events (which is not the Jim Carrey movie Lawler’s filming) unfolds as Gunn misses a corner splash, bangs his head against the ring post, and accidentally pokes the ref’s eyes, allowing Jarrett to grab a guitar. The referee gets his sight back just in time to snatch the ax, a distraction that allows “BA Billy Gunn” to hit a neckbreaker on Jeff and make the pin.
Tonight, Sable and Jacqueline will finally wrestle a standard one-on-one match, which Commissioner Slaughter has deemed worthy of reviving the Women’s Title over. There are currently three women in the division, just like the last time they brought that title back.
Backstage, Michael Cole interrupts Vince McMahon during a creative session with Ed Ferrara and Vince Russo. Cole would like to know who would partner with Austin if it’s not Mankind, The Rock, or Ken Shamrock. Vince pretends he hadn’t thought of such a possibility and suggests Austin would face the Brothers solo.
Stone Cold, bad to the bonz according to his t-shirt, comes to the ring and calls Vince McMahon’s booking “bullsh*t”. This Sunday, it won’t be Austin 3:16 but Austin 666. Could there be another t-shirt in the works? One with a slogan better than “bad to the bonz”?
Before tonight’s WWF Raw, The Undertaker and Tracksuit Kane arrived at the arena and intimidated everyone, including a young Christopher Daniels. The coifed Fallen Angel speaks with fellow enhancement talent Robert Thompson before their respective matches on Shotgun.
The Headbangers face The Oddities, but first, both teams party in the ring. Mosh and Thrasher spray silly string into the air and dance with the giants, then spray them in the eyes with a mystery spray. The ‘Bangers tear Golga’s Cartman doll before choking the masked man himself, which even Cornette thinks is going too far. The match never officially begins, but Mosh and Thrasher declare victory.
Backstage with Kane and Michael Cole, The Undertaker tells Steve Austin that he and Kane have a business arrangement with Mr. McMahon, and if Stone Cold doesn’t like it, tough titty said the kitty. Essentially.
It’s time for the long-awaited (since it was first announced 30 minutes ago) Women’s Championship match. Cornette notes that the title has been vacant since the “departure of Alundra Blayze” (No mention of the waste bin incident). In the front row, the same woman from last week cheers Sable on.
Sable lays in some kicks early on before Jackie hits her own, harder-looking kicks. Sable weathers a DDT and Mero interference to dodge a Jacqueline guillotine splash; her opponent supposedly crotches herself on the second rope, causing her to jump up and down for fifteen seconds while holding her groin. Sable takes advantage by tackling Sable, hitting some stiff clotheslines (in the sense that she sticks her arm out and holds it completely still), and hair-maring Jacqueline out of the ring. Sable then tries to suplex Jackie back inside, but Marvelous Marc trips her, giving Jackie the win by pinfall.
Jacqueline is so excited, she leaves before being presented with her title belt (because it does not yet exist)! Sable, on the other hand, is inconsolable. Tough luck, sister! Get to the back of the line (behind Luna and literally no one else, since Chyna’s not going to bother).
Up next is Stone Cold and a possible mystery partner against “The Brothers Grim”, a new nickname Vince tested out last night on Heat (in their match against, ironically, the former Grimm Twins). Tonight, it’s Shane O’Mac trying to get the name over.
Vince and his stooges watch gleefully backstage at the thought of Stone Cold’s destruction, but Billy Gunn reappears as Austin’s mystery partner to even the sides. It was probably supposed to be Triple H, but he just broke his leg or something on Heat. Vince goes apoplectic and can’t believe anyone would team up with Austin after he cut that deal with Mankind, Shamrock, and The Rock. Neither Patterson nor Brisco remind McMahon that there are more than six Superstars on his roster.
The action gets off to a hot start that sees Mr. Ass whip Kane into the ring steps. Shane calls Austin an ass-kicking machine (much like the one Mr. Burns used on Bart). The younger McMahon later notes Kane’s “slammage” and, after the Big Red Machine’s elbow drop, says the big man is “pulling out all types of stops from the arsenal”. The latter quote belongs in the mixed metaphor hall of fame.
Kane and Taker isolate Mr. Ass and pull a variety of stops from their arsenal, including big boots and flying clotheslines. He finally tags out to Stone Cold, who hits the Stunner on Kane. Undertaker, however, breaks up the pin attempt. Gunn and Taker, who are about the same size, then brawl in the ring and end up squashing the ref. He quickly recovers but seems to have lost his short-term memory, counting Taker’s 3-count on Billy despite neither man being legal. Stone Cold retaliates with chair shots to the head, including an unprotected one to Kane. Cornette points out that Billy Gunn wasn’t legal before acknowledging that it doesn’t matter anymore.
When WWF Raw returns, there is a replay of the match’s finish. In a single sentence, Shane McMahon sneaks in a Vince-like “then from there” along with “slammage” and a “proverbial chokeslam”. I’m not sure which proverb mentions chokeslams, but it may have been something by Confucius.
The Disciples of Apocalypse ride in with “Mr. Dot-Com” Paul Ellering to take on Southern Justice. It’s the Blu Twins-Godwinns match that never was! After Ellering trips Knight, Jeff Jarrett tries to rescue us all from this heels-vs-heels hoss fight by smashing him with a guitar. Even though Ellering is not officially in this tag match, it ends in DQ. “How ’bout it now, Mister Dot-Com!” says Jarrett. “Mr. Dot-Com just got launched into cyberspace!” adds Shane. Cornette explains that earlier tonight, Ellering had laughed at Jarrett for his loss to Billy Gunn.
Michael Cole is with Shane’s Pops, who is disappointed that Billy Gunn would volunteer to team with Austin. Vince makes veiled threats to Mr. Ass on behalf of Kane and Undertaker.
In a vignette for Steven Regal, the Real Man’s Man shaves outdoors with a straight razor. But he still uses shaving cream? I don’t know, it seems like he could be manlier.
Al Snow enters through the crowd to meet Commissioner Slaughter in a Boot Camp match. Sarge made the challenge last night on Heat (actually earlier on the same taping). If Al wins, he gets to join the WWF; if Slaughter wins, no one is allowed to make fun of him for looking like a penis in his army helmet. The commish punishes Snow with his belt, but Al gets hold of it himself and turns the tables with what Shane calls, “snappage”. Cornette shoehorns in a Clinton joke about “Head” .
The two men trade sloppy chair shots on the outside until Snow sets the chair up and delivers a Sabu-style leg clothesline. When Snow tries a moonsault holding a chair, however, Sarge ducks and slaps on the Cobra Clutch. Snow escapes by running Slaughter into the turnbuckle, then escapes a second Cobra Clutch by hitting him in the groin with Head. Slaughter removes his boot so he can hit Al with it, but Snow hits him in the groin with a boot of his own (made 10x more effective because his foot was still in it). Al Snow whacks Slaughter in the head with… well, Head, then picks up the pinfall victory. Patterson and Brisco then rush in and double-team Snow, but Scorpio chases them off.
Backstage in a towel on a couch, Val Venis promises to premiere his latest video. Shane can’t wait to see that “clip”, and because storylines move so fast in the Attitude Era, this is not a joke about Val nearly getting his dick chopped off seven weeks earlier.
WWF Raw returns with a Michael Cole interview with The Rock. He is the People’s Champ, etc.
As Val Venis makes his entrance, Shane McMahon speaks with Dustin Runnels at the commentary booth. Last week, says Shane, Val was “totally dissin’” Runnels by showing footage of himself screwing Dustin’s wife. Runnels says Val is “going to burn straight in hell” [sic]. Shane continuously eggs him on to beat him up rather than sitting there calmly.
Venis makes a Clinton reference about dipping cigars prior to his match with Owen Hart (Val’s match, not Bill’s). The split-screen view of Dustin signals to fans that the match itself isn’t important, an assumption Runnels validates by attacking Venis to cause a DQ. Val fights back and locks Dustin in the ropes. “Turn the other cheek, Dustin!” says Val while slapping him. Venis gets in Dustin’s face about his wife’s “real orgasmic pleasures” and airs more footage of Terri in bed. “There’s Something About Terri” leaves Dustin in tears.
X-Pac challenges Madrid’s D-Lo Brown for his European title. X-P-A-C, as Shane repeatedly calls him, exchanges quick high-impact moves with the champion. “Man, this match is awesome!” says one announcer (Guess which one). Cornette contrasts these young wrestlers with “45-year-olds” with “dueling microphones”, while Shane is more impressed by the idea of X-Pac getting knocked out from his brain colliding against the inside of his skull (otherwise known as a concussion).
D-Lo attempts a face-first flying nothing, which X-Pac counters with a facebuster, earning the 1-2-3 and the title. It’s X-Pac’s first singles title in the WWF, and unlike Jacqueline earlier tonight, there’s an actual belt he gets to hold.
It’s time for WWF Raw’s main event for the number-one contender status, a “proverbial carrot” offered by Vince McMahon. At least it turns out Shane knows what proverbial means (sometimes). With Michael Cole, Mankind cuts a promo that sounds confident as long as you don’t listen to the words.
As the three men battle, Cornette notes that Vince McMahon disparaged both Mankind’s and Shamrock’s intelligence, saying Ken wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. But, Shane chimes in, he is the most dangerous knife. Presumably he’s covered in tetanus bacteria. The Rock risks infection by hitting Shamrock with a People’s Elbow, whom he then throws out of the ring, leaving Rock and Mankind. In the understatement of this century and the next, Jim Cornette notes that “Triple Threat matches… will sometimes have a situation where you got a one-on-one, with another guy totally out of the picture”.
Later, Mankind and Shamrock are alone in the ring (which can sometimes—sometimes–happen in a Triple Threat). When Shamrock has Mankind locked in a sleeper, the Rock sneaks up from behind to create a double-decker sleeper; Mankind shakes off both men with a jawbreaker. Kane and Undertaker come to ringside while Shamrock puts Mankind in the ankle lock. Proving Vince McMahon right about knives, Ken releases the hold and celebrates simply because The Rock tapped him on the shoulder.
Kane and Undertaker, to McMahon’s approval, take Mankind outside and put the boots to him. He then shows disappointment when Shamrock kicks out of the Rock Bottom. He’s then relieved when Rocky kicks out of Ken’s powerslam. Kane and Taker rough up Shamrock on the outside, then single out The Rock, double-chokeslamming him to McMahon’s delight. “Now it’s anyone’s game” says Shane, who apparently thinks the match is still going on. But when Austin sneaks up and punches out the boss, the match just kind of evaporates. See ya Sunday!
Final tally:
Clinton references: 2
Proverbials: 2
Shane McMahon -ages: 3