WWF Raw – February 2nd, 1998 — Market Square Arena — Indianapolis, IN
WWF Raw is War begins with a special address from D-X. Due to complaints from the networks airing WWF Raw, Triple H promises to only use certain curse words and not “@#%!”, “*&%^”, “!$@#”, “%#$@”, “&@%#”, “*!%@”, or “any other sexual or racial slurs”. “Other” racial slurs? So what racial slurs did he just use? Makes you think. He also promises, though it’s bleeped, “less dick references”, which is a terrible thing to say on TV. It’s *fewer* dick references. Shawn makes a Lewinsky reference before they all go back to living like hell damn ass kings.
Too much Drudge, and not enough Matt! It’s time for WWF Raw is War. D-X is out in Uncle Same regalia, holding signs saying, “I want a bodacious blonde”. Sorry, Shawn, but Bart Gunn won’t be coming back for another month and a half, and besides, Bob Holly’s the one who’d be bleaching his hair.
Red, white, and blue balloons then fall from the ceiling. Did Lex Luger just get another countout win? “Balloons! Balloons from the roof!” says an excited Michael Cole. “Just like they do at political conventions!” Most of the balloons wind up in the crowd, who pop so many of them it nearly drowns out D-X’s promo.
As Shawn and Hunter promote a Tyson-Austin match and demand the WWF “Let them fight”, Stone Cold interrupts them. He can beat Mike Tyson anytime he wants, says Austin, but he won the Royal Rumble so he’s going to take Shawn’s title. That’s sensible. Austin tears open his t-shirt, flips off D-X, and walks back up the ramp.
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Now if you actually want to go to war, click on the US Army hyperlink on the WWF AOL site to find out whereyou can be all you can be.
Chainsaw Charlie comes to the ring, which is still surrounded by balloons, with his chainsaw (allegedly) running. It should be fairly easy to pop those balloons then, right? Earlier tonight, Jim Ross spoke to Chainsaw’s opponent Mick Foley, who is wrestling tonight for the sake of his legacy. He recalled the “World Heavyweight Champion” ten years ago (Ric Flair) telling him he’d be in a wheelchair by the time he’s thirty. He’s 32 now, so I guess rather than counting himself lucky, he’s going to try to put himself in one ASAP.
Cactus Jack brings a BFI waste disposal unit onto the ramp, where Funk follows him. Kevin Kelly quotes Maria Muldaur, as one does during a match to crown the King of Hardcore. Jack chucks a ladder at Charlie before attempting a small package that sends both men the whole way down the ramp. The two get in the ring, where Cactus whacks Terry with garbage cans, then offers a free shot to Funk. Chainsaw Charlie refuses, drawing boos from the crowd, before hitting Foley from behind. Cactus pays him back by putting the can over Funk’s head and piledriving him.
When WWF Raw returns, both men are on the ramp. Terry tries to piledrive Cactus on a table, but Foley back body-drops him into the dumpster. He then climbs onto the Titantron and drops an elbow onto Funk in the Browning-Ferris Industries trash bin. The New Age Outlaws then cut the match short by closing the lid, tying it shut, and running the unit off the stage.
WWF officials and superstars, babyface and heel alike, rush to Foley and Funk’s aid. “Folks, that was a drop of over ten feet” says Cole, who estimates his boss’s height at nine feet six inches. Plus, the dumpster weighs over five hundred pounds, which would be bad news if Foley and Funk were under it, not in it. Amidst the sea of packing peanuts, both men barely move.
After another commercial break, EMTs are still attending to Mick Foley and Terry Funk. Meanwhile, the Outlaws get a scolding from the likes of Vince McMahon and Sunny for being so negligent that they could have taken two human beings’ lives. A. brawl breaks out between the Outlaws and everyone else, particularly the Headbangers and Flash Funk. “Whether you’re a bad guy wrestler or a fan favorite,” says JR, “they’ve all got families to feed”.
Replays reveal the dumpster crashing through wooden tables on the arena floor, no doubt adding to the danger. Jim Ross agrees with Michael Cole’s estimate of a ten foot drop despite all visual evidence.
Over his headset, Jim Ross scolds Road Dog and Billy Gunn like two boys in the principal’s office. Hunter and Shawn then arrive to scold the New Age Outlaws as well… for feeling bad about the stunt. They’ve got three words for the Outlaws: suck it up.
This week’s Slam of the Week is Kane’s tombstone to Vader, brought to you by Bloody Roar for Playstation.
“We’re All Together Now” plays to kick off the WarZone. The New Age Outlaws are back out, this time for Gunn’s match with Owen Hart. Facing an angry crowd, Road Dog cuts his opening monologue short. The Outlaws are in so much trouble, even The King thinks they’ve crossed the line — and he laughed at Brian Pillman r*ping Terri Runnels.
Owen Hart storms the ring and attacks both men before the bell, leading them to retreat to the outside where “red white and balloons” [sic] still litter then floor. Owen launches onto Gunn, but Billy fights back when they return to the ring. Owen attempts a Sharpshooter on Gunn, who breaks out with a thumb to the eye. A few minutes later, Owen locks in the Sharpshooter again, but Road Dog and D-X interfere.
The five heels drag Owen up the ramp, where Hunter DDTs the European Champion. Shawn and Hunter urge the Outlaws to heave Owen off the stage like a drunken sailor — for ratings — but a bunch of officials stop them in the nick of time. The sympathetic crowd boos the interruption, while Road Dog tells Owen Hart he’s lucky, and that he wouldn’t have a heartbeat if Dog had had his way. Yikes.
Fans are still booing when WWF Raw returns. More replays air of the Outlaws’ antics before Michael Cole delivers an update from the hospital, saying Foley and Funk are in the emergency room. Lawler and Ross comment on the bad mood in the arena, with Jerry complaining that he doesn’t feel like delivering any of the great lines he had prepared for tonight. This doesn’t stop Jim Ross from comparing tonight’s chaos to that of the White House.
The fans, however, are quick to move on, popping for Sable. “Boy, they are quite the pair”, says Ross. “Marc Mero and Sable”, he clarifies. Mero makes Sable put on her robe and take off his robe. Jerry Lawler then says Bill Clinton could get re-elected for life if Monica looked like Sable, ignoring Article II Section I and the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.
After Sable accepts a box of chocolates from a ringside attendant, Marc confiscates it and tosses it out of the ring like a Frisbee brand flying disc. Mero sends Sable back to the locker room and tells her to hit the StairMaster® before introducing some of the beautiful people (the beautiful people). (Note: Marc Mero actually says this).
Out comes, “Mero-lyn”, which is Goldust dressed as Marilyn Manson. Mero sings a few bars from the song while a knock-off plays over the PA. Goldust interferes throughout the match, allowing Mero to uppercut Mosh’s groin, a move Jim Ross is still calling a Golota, fourteen months after Bowe-Golota II. Mero schoolboys Mosh for the three-count.
Jim Ross blasts Mero and Goldust, like D-X and the Outlaws, for their distasteful stunts in pursuit of ratings. He then promotes the WWF Superstar Line, where for $1.49 a minute, you can find out which WWF Superstar was rushed to the hospital this morning.
In a split-screen confrontation, a once-again blond Barry Windham rags on Bradshaw. Windham tells Bradshaw to get a tag team partner, to which Bradshaw replies that he’ll take anyone as a partner, even a broom handle. The words “Bradshaw” and “broom handle” should send chills down any Superstar’s spine.
In a profile on Tiger Ali Singh, the rookie lands in a private helicopter on his family’s estate. Despite being told he’d be an “Asian Arnold Schwarzenegger”, he is committed to becoming the world’s greatest fighter before he even thinks about moving on to Hollywood. Named after his father Tiger Jeet Singh and Muhammad Ali, Tiger Ali gets a Rocky Maivia-style hype job. Then again, I don’t think The Rock ever went so far as to call himself, “The True Messiah”.
As Faarooq and the Nation make their entrance, Jim Ross apologizes for the broadcast team being “disheveled” on this chaotic night. Chainz, accompanied by DOA Bald, Ahmed, and Shamrock, waddles in straddling his bike. These ten men will meet at No Way Out of Texas (whose logo just says, “No Way Out”).
In a phone update, Michael Cole says Terry Funk has regained consciousness, but Mick Foley is slipping in and out of it.
After Kama accidentally trips Faarooq, the Nation leader bails out of the ring. While the whole Nation argues, Faarooq gets counted out.
The Western Union Rewind is Kurrgan’s “Paralyzer” clawhold on Mike Modest from this weekend’s Shotgun Saturday Night.
Aztec Emperor Jeff Jarrett and BBW (Blackjack Barry Windham) face Bradshaw and a mystery partner next. The announcers speculate on who Bradshaw’s partner could be, considering the Texan’s lack of friends (and considering no one would want to get involved in this story line). It turns out to be Double F (Flash Funk). Both these men will team with Faarooq by year’s end.
As the match gets under way, Jim Ross references Bradshaw’s brutal treatment of jobber Donovan Morgan on this weekend’s Shotgun. Shortly into this tag match, the Rock ’n’ Roll Express dump Flash onto the guard rail, drawing referees to ringside for assistance. WWF Raw goes to commercial as Funk is escorted to the back.
Bradshaw runs afoul of more interference before Barry Windham tags in to “have his way” with his former partner. After WIndham tags in Jarrett to set up a double team, Bradshaw knocks Barry out of the way and pins Jeff after a clothesline. Bradshaw then cleans house on the NWA before Jim Cornette unwisely hits him with a tennis racket. As Bradshaw confronts Cornette, Jim Ross says he’s glad Cornette is wearing dark pants. Why does he always say that? Is he fashion-conscious?
Unconcerned with such sartorial preoccupations, the NWA guys gang up on Bradshaw, allowing Jarrett to lock in the Figure Four. Windham then takes free shots on Bradshaw, splashing his bad knee.
The announcers then revisit Dumpstergate, an act so heinous, they have to replay it a 38 times throughout the night. Well, it is Groundhog Day. Lawler ups the weight of the trash bin to 2000 pounds and says Funk or Foley could have been decapitated had they fallen out. Yet he fails to praise the New Age Outlaws for their safety precautions, having tied the lid shut! A frantic Michael Cole has an update on the situation, giving panicked but extremely vague updates from the hospital until they lose his cellular signal.
“Wink Collins”, also known as WWF Director Kerwin Siflies, is in the ring to announce that WrestleMania’s tickets sold out in 90 seconds, but thanks to a new technology called “pay per view”, fans without tickets can still enjoy a ringside seat. Kane, who is supposed to be a heel, interrupts this dork. Paul Bearer calls Silfies, who is pushing 50 (at least), a “young man”. When Kane goozles Wink, Vader interrupts and says Kane’s “big ass” is his at No Way Out. Vader sprays Kane with a fire extinguisher to drive Kane from the ring.
Billy Gunn brags about tomorrow’s Neilsen ratings report for WWF Raw as Road Dog comes to the ring for his one-on-one… main event? Hey, that can’t be right! But it is, as his opponent is Steve Austin. Stone Cold stomps Billy Gunn as the bell rings three minutes from the top of the hour. He then stomps Road Dog in the ring before cutting off an interfering Billy Gunn with a Stunner. Austin wins by disqualification in just over thirty seconds, his longest match on WWF Raw since his neck injury.
D-X join the Outlaws’ pile-on of Austin, tying him up in the ring ropes. Michaels then grabs Austin’s mouth and leans to kiss… I mean, taunt Austin with the WWF title belt. Coming to save Austin from his former tag team partner is his other former tag team partner, Mick Foley. Cactus Jack swings his IV pole at the heels, while Terry Funk, still in his hospital gown, swings his chainsaw. I guess they let him keep that in the ER.
Austin chases D-X and the New Age Outlaws up the ramp to close the show. Wait a minute, didn’t they say last week that Mike Tyson would be on? And they dedicated the main event segment to a promo promising an Austin-Tyson confrontation? I guess they had to re-arrange their plans after Terry and Mick died in that dumpster stunt.