Induction: The Teddy Long-Kristal Marshall Wedding – Holla Holla Matrimony

37 Submitted by on Thu, 16 June 2016, 20:00

WWE, 2007

Today’s induction certainly is a timely one. Just two weeks ago, the subject of this story was featured on Raw, only to be put down, berated, and completely undermined as a viable character by Stephanie McMahon. No, I’m not talking about Charlotte or Kevin Owens or Seth Rollins or Lana or AJ Lee or Kaitlyn or Big Show.

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I’m talking about Teddy Long, and more specifically, his wedding to Kristal Marshall.

Kristal, if you’ll remember, debuted as a face, then turned heel soon after. Neither run was very memorable, and just about the only proof that this heel turn ever happened was the fact that Kristal once ripped off Jillian Hall’s top before stripping for the fans…

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…only for the roles to reverse six months later, with Jillian ripping off Kristal’s top before stripping for the fans.

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In the spring of 2007, Teddy had begun his romance with Kristal (now a babyface again, as evidenced by the stripping).

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By late June, Teddy had proposed.

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(I would give you an exact date, but when I googled “Teddy Long proposes,” all the results were about tag team matches)

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In preparation for their big day, Kristal read Modern Bride magazine, not seeing one wrinkled face or toothless grin, while Teddy asked Ron Simmons to be his best man.

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At last, it was September 21st, the first day of autumn and the “season premiere” of Smackdown. But more importantly, it was time for Kristal to marry “Teddylicious,” as she called him.

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And they had invited everyone from Vince and Hornswoggle McMahon to the Superstars and Divas of all three brands.

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Kristal’s mom and sisters were there, too, as were Teddy’s sons, but other than them, the guest list was wrestlers-only. I wonder how Kristal’s aunts and uncles felt about being snubbed while both Highlanders got choice seats at the ceremony.

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Balls Mahoney dressed for the occasion, even wearing a tie.

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He could tell this was a high-class, formal occasion when the invitation addressed him as “Testicles Mahoney.”

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The wedding party included Butch Reed…

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…and Kristal’s “best friend” and matron of honor, Vickie Guerrero.

Kristal then demonstrated why the bride never walks to the altar on her own…

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…tripping over her own dress on her way up the steps.

Jagged Edge, Teddy Long’s favorite band, was even on hand. “Where the hell’s everybody?” they sang.

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At least that was my interpretation. Or maybe it was, “Wave your hands, everybody.”

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And everybody did.

Teddy even sang along.

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Unsatisfied with the music, our old friend Jillian Hall crashed the wedding, but this time around, she wasn’t there to rip off anyone’s top. She was there to sing.

Then came the objections portion of the wedding, and, just like at Billy and Chuck’s wedding, The Godfather interrupted. And if that weren’t fun enough, he brought The Whores!

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Excuse me, The Ho’s! There, that’s more fun.

As far as taking a ride on the train, Teddy wouldn’t hear of it, but a good portion of the men on the guest list would, walking off with Atlanta’s finest escorts. Hey, they don’t call it Sin City for nothing!

teddykristal17I hope penicillin is straightedge.

Shenanigans continued, as Hornswoggle and Coach seemed to confuse Kristal for one of the Godfather’s ladies and got chased off by Vince.

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This left about four people still in attendance.

teddykristal19Where the hell’s everybody?

Fortunately, there would be no more distractions at this ceremony, as the bride and groom exchanged vows. The only thing that would prevent the happy couple from tying the not would be if the groom dropped dead right then and there.

And would you guess what happened?

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Teddy suffered an unbelievable stroke of bad luck, no pun intended (no pun intended because it was a heart attack, not a stroke).

I have to say, there’s an endearing, Gary Coleman-like quality to Teddy Long’s overacting, whether he’s keeling over from a sudden heart attack or getting driven on a limo ride to hell by The Undertaker.

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Smackdown closed with a shot of Teddy in an oxygen mask being loaded onto a stretcher, much like when Shawn Michaels “collapsed” on Raw in 1995.

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And just like that worked shoot, fans didn’t know whether Teddy’s heart attack was real or fake.

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Teddy, we were told, was in a coma, leaving his assistant Vickie Guerrero in charge of Smackdown.

Kristal would get a few mentions on TV from time to time before leaving the company, never to be seen again in WWE. Apparently, she feared being turned into an on-screen super-skank as Lita had been.

Maybe Kristal would have been Edge’s evil sex toy…

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…or perhaps Teddy would have changed his and Kristal’s one-on-one match into a tag team affair.

While we don’t know exactly what tawdry plans WWE Creative had in mind for Kristal, consider that Lita, the future Hall of Famer and multi-time women’s champion, not only had been booked to have sex in the middle of the ring…

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…but saw her retirement from the sport overshadowed by Cryme Tyme auctioning off her vibrator for to an audience member.

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(Frankly, if Kristal had a problem with what Cryme Tyme did, she shouldn’t have let JTG sing at her wedding.)

With Teddy’s fiancee out of the picture, Vickie eventually turned heel as the corrupt authority figure to begin a torrid affair with Lita’s former lover, Edge.

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The rest was history.

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And aren’t you glad?

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
37 Responses to "Induction: The Teddy Long-Kristal Marshall Wedding – Holla Holla Matrimony"
  1. Sean Bateman says:

    The only good part of the “wedding” is hearing JBL when the Ho Train came out and as the Train left, I never seen JBL run so fast in my entire life.

    • Raging_Demons says:

      Oh it wasn’t just JBL. I remember as soon as The Godfather left with The Ho’s; Tommy Dreamer, Balls, and almost everybody on the WWECW male roster left with The Godfather in a “Excuse me for one moment please” style as they lifted their hands and left immediately. That made me laugh my ass off

  2. Hulk6785 says:

    Truly the greatest wedding in the history of our sport.

  3. PlasticDiverGuy says:

    At least Al Wilson made it to the honeymoon. And he was stripped.

  4. Erich says:

    Compared to this, the Claire Lynch saga was high art.

  5. Scrooge McSuck says:

    How long has it been since the last wedding on Raw and/or Smackdown? Seems like we’re overdue for some Matrimonial Madness(tm).

  6. E-Squared says:

    I remember this. Hell, it was included on a bonus disc to the Blockbuster exclusive version of the Unforgiven 2007 DVD. One thing I will add is that I remember recognizing the priest from “The Wash” and “xXx: State of the Union.” He played the fat cop in the former and one of the cheese truck drivers from the latter.

    • Zero says:

      Pretty much the only thing worse than Unforgiven 2007 that month WAS this wedding. Well played, WWE. Well played…

  7. Andrew Elder says:

    Didn’t Kristal end up with Bobby Lashley?

  8. Beav says:

    How did you not mention Patterson and Brisco attending the wedding and when Godfather escorts the guests out with the escorts, Brisco goes to leave, but Patterson jealously pulls him back?

  9. Brad says:

    Fine trip down crappy memory lane as always and kudos for the Grampa Simpson quote 😛

  10. Gerard says:

    Has there ever been a good wrestling wedding storyline ?? I don’t think that there has been!!!

    • Scrooge McSuck says:

      Roberts and Taker crashing Savage and Liz’s party.

      Triple H interrupting Test and Stephanie’s by revealing possible date rape and a bad ventriloquist act.

      After that, they’ve all stunk.

  11. Philip says:

    I think I had taken a hiatus from watching wrestling at this point in time. I’m kinda sad I missed this, bizarrely.

  12. Brandon says:

    I want to see the Goldust and Aksana wedding from NXT season 3.

  13. GeneMean says:

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this didn’t actually lead to a PPV match or any other kind of angle that would have actually made money?

    • Hulk6785 says:

      It lead to Vickie Guerrero taking over at SmackDown! GM. That’s about it.

      • Zero says:

        And that was followed up with Teddy returning 6 months later with zero explanation on his absence or his return, just that he would be the Assistant GM of SmackDown

  14. MWeyer says:

    I loved when Jillian starts singing, everyone groaning, then she’s literally gagged and dragged off with the priest going “Praise Jesus!” and leading everyone in “AMEN!”

  15. Geoff says:

    So Atlanta is “Sin City”? I thought it was Vegas and then my attempt at humor at saying that Salt Lake City is Sin City but a different kind of sin was funny. Turns out I was wrong on both counts. Atlanta is Sin City. Because if RD says it is so, then it must be true. And that’s the bottom line because RD Reynolds says so.

    • vice vixen says:

      I think it’s more of a reference to the fact that Charles Wright brought his business from Lost Wages to Hotlanta for this occasion

  16. Geoff says:

    I mean Art

  17. John C says:

    When will anyone learn that if a wedding or a cake or shampoo or favorite pet is involved shenanigans are bound to happen. Or anytime you demonstrate wearing a strait jacket, or invited into a room with snakes something bad is going to happen to you.

    If Teddy could become GM for either show I wish he could announce this for a Rusev-Titus O’Neal encounter, “We’re gonna have a Flag Match, playa. Holla holla holla.”

  18. Doc 902714 says:

    All’s I remember from this wedding is that we got to see a long overdue, albeit short return of Butch Reed who hadn’t been with WWE for nearly 20 years. He left back in 88 and didn’t exactly leave on best of terms.

    And that picture of Vickie Guerrero at the end of the induction is akin to Mae Young fake boobs from Royal Rumble ’00 cringeworthy. Thank goodness we only get to see her BOX….er BLACK BOX….er I’LL SHOW MYSELF OUT NOW!!

  19. MistaMaddog says:

    Couldn’t Teddy wait till during the honeymoon to have a stroke like Al Wilson did?

    • Adam says:

      When Kristal quit, they just abandoned the storyline but the original pay-off was going to be that she and Vickie spiked his pre-wedding Viagra with something to get him out of the way.

  20. Adam Jenkins says:

    I think you should induct Black Machismo and So Cal Val trying to rip off the Macho Man/Elizabeth wedding.

  21. Mister Forth says:

    Not sure what was funnier: The beautiful image of CM Punk walking away… To be with the party, or the face Brisco tried to leave, but Patterson pulling him back as if Brisco was his ride.

  22. George from Dudleyville NY says:

    I believe the Uncle Elmer wedding from the classic SNME was quite possibly the only to result in actual matrimony and positive results.

  23. George from Dudleyville NY says:

    I forgot to mention my uncle was in attendance for that event, I remember he actually had the program in his basement with his old WWF and PWI mags. Great Job Wrestlecrap! You never disappoint.

  24. Jimbolian says:

    This makes me wonder; if Godfather has a tendency to crash the party and ruin the plans with his “Ho’s” (not helping with Mark Henry’s sex addiction rehab, breaking up Viscera’s relationship with Lillian Garcia, and this), would that make him a heel?

  25. Deepthroat Ghoul says:

    Fun Fact: One of Godfather’s ho’s was played by one of the Bella Twins.

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