Induction: John Cena Gets Stabbed – What Would Jesús Do?

31 Submitted by on Thu, 02 February 2017, 20:00

WWE, 2004

Here’s an induction that Wrestlecrappers have been demanding for years.

Maybe it’s because the key plot points took place off screen.

Maybe it’s because, like the time he got fired by the Anonymous Raw GM, it wasted a perfectly good excuse to never see John Cena in a wrestling ring again.

Or maybe it’s because it mirrored one of wrestling’s greatest real-life tragedies.

All I know is, this story line left viewers with such a bad taste in their mouths that they would have been forgiven for spitting it right back in Josh Mathews’s face.

It was October 2004, and John Cena had just emerged triumphant in a best-of-five series to regain his US Title, riding high on a wave of hometown support in Boston, and his first order of business as champion was to make fun of Michael Cole for admittedly no reason.

Who should arrive to interrupt the champ’s riffing and gay-baiting than the debuting Carlito…

…the apple-spitting  Caribbean who made history as the only person to ever rip off Razor Ramon without ripping off Scarface.

If you’ll recall, Carlito’s obsession in those early days was with coolness, or at least the aspiration to coolness, famously declaring, “I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool.”

This, despite showing up to Smackdown looking like Justin Guarini had joined a Caribbean branch of the Mean Street Posse.

Carlito said that he had heard John Cena was the coolest guy in WWE…

(Keep in mind, he was speaking in 2004)

  …but that it would be even cooler if he took his US title.

That night, Carlito Caribbean Cool, as he was then known, did the unthinkable by dethroning John Cena in his very first title defense (with the help of the same steel chain Cena had used to win the title for the first time), in the process becoming the stupidest-named United States champion since Hugh G. Rection.

Carlito Caribbean Fool! Yeah!

The bad news kept coming for Cena fans when Teddy Long informed a concerned Smackdown roster that John Cena would be out for months filming a movie.

Kidding! The bad news was that the movie was The Marine.

Kidding again! The bad news was that John Cena had been stabbed.

The Smackdown GM announced that, following a night club “may-lee” (which is how Teddy Long pronounced “mee-lay” {which is how Vince McMahon pronounces, “melee”}), the former champion had suffered  “several puncture wounds” last Thursday night and was now struggling to save his kidney.

The whole locker room, heels and faces alike, was shocked, except for Carlito, who told Teddy Long that a thug like Cena had it coming.

This left Teddy Long very perplexed.

Obviously, Carlito was the prime suspect in the stabbing, with witnesses placing him at the same night club as Cena on the night of the stabbing. This created some unsettling parallels with the death of Frank “Bruiser Brody” Goodish.

In 1988, Brody was stabbed to death backstage in Puerto Rico by fellow wrestler José González, a crime allegedly covered up by Puerto Rican promoter/wrestler Carlos Colón.

But WWE wouldn’t go the direct route of having Carlito Caribbean Cool himself be the culprit.

Rumors have since spread that WWE, seeking realism in this stabbing angle, sought to sign New Jack to the publicly-traded company, despite the fact that I don’t even have to finish this sentence.

Instead, they brought in Aaron Aguilera, who was last seen in 2000 as Edge’s stand-in as part of The Conquistadors.

Carlito introduced Aguilera as his socio, Jesús.

Or, as WWE Network has rendered it, his sorcerer, Jesus.

Jesús would serve as Carlito’s very tall-looking bodyguard, dressed in hiked-up pants and suspenders.

All that was missing was a chihuahua, pinstripes, and platform shoes.

Given Jesús’s “shady past” and the accusations from Teddy Long that he too had been in the club the night Cena was stabbed, the story became even more tasteless in its resemblance to the Brody case:

Bruiser Brody had been stabbed by a Puerto Rican wrestler working for Carlos Colón, while John Cena had been stabbed by a Puerto Rican wrestler working for Carlito…

…real name, Carlos Colón, Jr.

After seven weeks of recovery and a struggle to save his kidney, John Cena returned at Survivor Series without a scratch on him…

…then promptly defeated Carlito on Smackdown to regain his US Title.

His celebration was short-lived, however, when Jesús punched him in the kidney with Cena’s own metal chain. This shelved Cena for a few more weeks until his triumphant return at Armageddon, where he would defend his US Title against the world’s tallest six-and-a-half-footer.

This time around, someone had figured out that maybe Cena should wear some gauze or something to sell his kayfabe life-threatening injury. Sure, it made no sense to wear a simple bandage to treat what was now an internal injury, but better late than never.

Cena beat Jesús in the street fight, retaining his US Title and vanquishing the injured street tough for good. At last, justice had been served, except for his stabbing case, which was never officially solved…

…just like the mystery of who broke Edge’s neck in 2003 and who attacked Natalya in 2015. Hmmm… that sounds like an idea for a listicle.

Just like this one that I just published on WhatCulture!

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
31 Responses to "Induction: John Cena Gets Stabbed – What Would Jesús Do?"
  1. Chris V says:

    Carlto having a sorcerer named Jesus may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in WWE!

  2. lipe from chile says:

    The only way this angle could be more related to Bruiser Brody’s death is if Meltzer names one of his WON Awards after Cena

  3. Sean Bateman says:

    Imagine of it was Aaron Aguilera did the “stabbing” as a Conquistador

  4. E-Squared says:

    Were there any other plans for Aguilera during that time? Or was he just a developmental guy who was brought in as Carlito’s bodyguard, nothing more? After jobbing to Cena at Armageddon, he wasn’t seen again and was released months after.

    I remember seeing in episodes of CSI and iCarly, as well as a commercial for AllTel:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVz4fkXHW0E

    • Tempest_Fennac says:

      If I remember correctly, he had a shoulder injury when they hired him which required surgery and the plan was to have him pop up to get involved with Carlito’s feud with Cena, get surgery and then come back, which is why he didn’t do much of anything onscreen. They then apparently decided to Future Endeavour him while he was recovering from that (or a while after he recovered and went to OVW).

    • Richard Kershaw says:

      The only time I seen him in anything else was in the short lived Wrestling Society X.

      He was in the TLC (tables, ladders and cerveza) match.

  5. Justin Henry says:

    Does a wrestling Sorcerer have theme music by Tangerine Dream?

  6. The Great Sudoku says:

    You missed the part I consider to be most wrestle crap worthy. Cena coming back way without a scratch on him, and says “The doctor hooked it up” *cringe*

  7. Adam says:

    Being a discount-rate intern sorcerer, Jesus mistakenly imbued Cena with his now infamous healing factor. Thus, this storyline was the last time Cena ever sold anything.

  8. Gerard says:

    dunno if its true or not but hearing rumors that wwe is trying to work out a deal with carlito to return to the wwe and either team with or manage the shining stars??

  9. Bubbafan2 says:

    I was at that Armageddon, in the fourth row.
    Still the worst PPV I’ve ever attended. Seriously, the whole thing should be inducted.
    Cena vs soon-to-vanish-forever Jesus, Miz vs Daniel Puder in a boxing match, Kurt Angle filling time by beating up Santa Claus, then him, Luther “don’t call me Roman” Reigns, and Mark Jindrak losing a handicap match against Big Show, and Jackie Gayda vs Dawn Marie. Yes, that was a PPV match.

    • Adam says:

      Oh god, you got me remembering it now.

      Singing Kenzo and Rene Dupree in the Tag Title scene, the Jackie/Haas/Dawn love triangle of stupid…


      JBL going over Taker, Eddie and Booker in one match… complete with Heidenreich interference.

      Yep – Spike vs Funaki was the best match, by memory. (Not counting the Angle beating down Santa comedy spot.)

  10. Christopher Haydu says:

    I’m not real educated on Bruiser Brody. I know he’s a legend. I know millions still love him. After reading this, I wonder, is there a reason that Vince didn’t like Bruiser? I know he wrestled for the competition, and I’ve heard the rumors about Brody doing a run-in at WrestleMania 1…. But to parody a guy’s murder? That’s why I ask. Does anybody know why Vince would have heat with Brody enough to book an angle like this? The real WrestleCrap here isn’t that this was just another pointless injury angle that didn’t accomplish anything for Cena. It’s that they buried Carlito by immediately associating him with Carlos Colon’s role in Brody’s death. That’s even more tasteless than turning Nick Dinsmore into Eugene and flushing any main event potential he had completely down the drain.

    • Guest says:

      Fun Fact: Dinsmore created the Eugene character himself, and really even if he hadn’t came out as Eugene he would’ve never been a main talent in a promotion like WWE.

    • Big Daddy Strong says:

      I don’t think Vince had a problem with Brody. And as crazy as it sounds this could have been totally coincidental. Or someone in creative could have slipped it past him. I could see Vince not connecting the dots at first. Then someone actually does figure it out and bye bye Jesus.

      In retrospect it does seem suspicious but knowing how the WWE does things, I can’t help but feel they would have felt the need to hit people over the head with the parallel events. WWE isn’t that subtle. They’re not the type to do something clever and let people figure it out. They’d be screaming about how clever they were and beating it to death. Because deep down they think they’re audience is basically a horde of idiots that need to be told what to do and how to react.

      Maybe someone knew but it likely wasn’t Vince. And as far as I know, I haven’t heard anyone in the business admit to having any heat with Brody. Maybe it was an unfortunate irony or maybe someone took the stereotype of Puerto Ricans stabbing people too far.

      It was a terrible angle to be sure. And although I liked Carlito, that gimmick looks worse and worse as time goes by. The apple and the spitting in the face struck me as strangely sexual and that was before they went with the Spit or Swallow? t-shirts.

    • Buzz Line says:

      According to Honky Tonk Man, Brody didn’t like any promoter that wasn’t named Baba. Since that’s all I have to go on, I’m willing to consider that this may have been coincidental, but there isn’t much about this company that surprises me anymore. This is the same enterprise that had talent like The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin but for whatever reason sees the need to keep bringing back that godawful Mae Young Mark Henry hand garbage. They’ll outright ignore or erase some of the greatest events from wrestling but keep reminding people of Katie Vick. Then Vince Jr will get upset when people remind him Katie Vick sucked. Lies from the democratic party!(the republican had attack ads based on you promotion too, but whatever)

      So, yes, this angle was really suspicious. I had my concerns before this wrestlecrap induction and I’m one of those guys who thinks it could have been manslaughter rather than murder(if only because Invader #1 chose a really stupid time and place if killing Brody was really something he had planned to do and the promotion literally had nothing to gain from losing Brody before a show he was announced to be on and all future shows after it). But if someone wants to argue incompetence, fine.

  11. Thomas Moffatt says:

    As I recall Carlito was legit injured when he dropped his US title. and as I recall the Cena-Jesus match was one of the worst I have ever seen…

  12. Jimbolian says:

    Here’s another great idea for a “listicle” – Ten Absurd Closed Captioning Moments on WWE Network

  13. Alexandru says:

    Yes Carlos “allegedly” didn’t order the hit on Brody. Hell I thought this angle was dumb then when I found out about the Brody incident it really did leave a bad taste in my mouth. Don’t know why Vince loves murderers like Snuka and Carlos

    • Guest says:

      There’s a difference between someone proven of being a murderer and someone whose suspected but never proven to being a murderer.

      There’s a reason Chris Benoit is persona non grata.

      • Alexandru says:

        Both are guilty fact is, the courts were biased or incompetent in both cases. There is more than enough evidence to convict both idiots. They are the Casey Anthony /OJ Simpsons shit heads of wrestling pure and simple. Get off your high horse

        • CP says:

          An acquittal is an acquittal, regardless of how it was obtained or if “more than enough evidence” existed.

          You can’t convict somebody unless you prove your case beyond a reasonable doubt. And no amount of phony righteous rage would ever change that.

  14. MistaMaddog says:

    As Carlito himself would say, “That? That’s not cool mang…”

  15. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Another REALLY stupid bit about this angle – if you had one employee try to kill another employee then surely you’d terminate or hand over the employee who tried to arrange the killing? Seriously, if I was running a business and an employee tried to kill another employee (regardless of how annoying they were) I’d be tempted to fire them for Gross Misconduct…

  16. Ze Frenchie says:

    That “Teddy Long perplexed” face must make it into another induction!

leave a comment