Claire Lynch: The 2012 Gooker Award Winner

79 Submitted by on Sun, 12 January 2014, 15:00

TNA-Impact, 2012

It was funny, prior to the Gooker voting this year, the very great Justin Henry and I were discussing the various candidates. Make no mistake, there were some doozies in 2012, from all the goofiness with the Aces & 8′s to AJ Lee’s various lovers to Natalya’s nonstop flatulance. Despite the multitude of choices, he explained to me that he was “100000% sure” that Daniel Bryan’s 18 second WrestleMania was sure to take the honors, and I quite literally laughed out loud at him.“Dude, have I taught you NOTHING? There’s no way that’s winning. It will be Claire Lynch with nothing else even close.”He would hear none of it, but in the end, I was right. That’s really nothing to brag about, I suppose; I mean really, when wrestling presents you with its first ever pregnant crack whore, was the result ever in doubt? 

To be fair, the storyline didn’t start with crack addicts at all.

Well, unless you think Dixie Carter is hepped up on goofball, which considering how much she must have cost her family running this promotion, may be the case.

The angle started not with Claire Lynch, but rather Dixie and AJ Styles reportedly having an affair.  

So maybe AJ was the crack addict who had a thing for aging soccer moms whose wardrobe consisted solely of stuff you’d get at a BOGO sale at Fashion Bug. That actually kinda makes sense when you think about it.

Footage was shown of the two of them cavorting into a hotel elevator…

…as well as the two planning secret meetings on the phone.

The dastardly nogoodniks behind these discoveries would be Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian, who just weeks earlier hated each other.

They then decided to become pals for no discernable reason.  Well, other than this is TNA and it happens all the time there.

On the plus side, the two are awesome together, so I’ll let it slide.

Now you’d think that perhaps Dixie’s husband wouldn’t take too kindly to such gallivanting, and you’d be right.  In fact, he showed up one week and KO’ed AJ with one punch.

Maybe it’s just me, but that kinda makes AJ look like a tool.

Still, I’ve never been attacked by a man named Surge.

Or maybe it’s Serg.

Nah, let’s make it SURGE.  Makes AJ’s pummeling ever so slightly less embarrassing.

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After weeks of being chastised by Daniels and Kaz about their elicit affair, AJ and Dixie decide it’s finally time to let the whole world know THE TRUTH.

And as they stare lovingly into each other’s eyes…

…a pale, scrawny, pregnant, and very, very mildly hysterical woman comes down the ramp!

She is immediately comforted by Dixie and AJ as the crowd goes mild.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was in the Impact Zone and saw this train wreck happening before my eyes, I’d think, “You know, that Revenge of the Mummy ride is like 200 yards away…what am I doing here again?”

Allow herself to introduce…herself.

“I’m Claire Lynch, and I’m an addict!”

That was the short version.  If you want the not-so-short version, feel free to impale your eardrums with this clip.

And drats!  Our anti-heroes plans are foiled!

But wait!

The plot was about to take a completely unnecessary and convoluted twist, as Daniels and Kaz knew something no one else did!

Claire’s crack baby daddy?

It was none other than AJ Styles!

Claire & Dixie’s reaction?

I think it’s supposed to be shock and awe.

Or maybe shock and terror, like Birdemic.

Hey, their acting is just about as good.

In an attempt to clear the air, Daniels and Kazarian would request that Claire come down to the ring the following week.Yet more horrible ‘acting’ followed, climaxing with another shocking revelation!

I won’t lie – the acting here was so wooden that the poor girl may have passed for a sequoia.

In fact, can we zoom in on this?

Why look – it IS Claire!Whodathunkit?

And hell hath no fury like a crack whore scorned, as Claire wanted to know why AJ wouldn’t fess up to being the man who put the bun in her oven.

As AJ claimed his innocence, Claire dropped yet another bombshell: photographic evidence of their night together!

A HOT PASSIONATE NIGHT TOGETHER!
I can’t believe folks didn’t tune in in droves for this!I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to hear stilted dialogue delivered poorly about sexcapades from an unattractive bean pole?

But while AJ had all but sent Claire packing after impregnating her, Daniels and Kazarian were making up for it by providing young Ms. Lynch with a BABY SHOWER!

Among the fine gifts: diapers, AJ action figures, pictures of “Uncle Chris” Daniels, and the piece d’ resistance…

…an AJ Styles baby, complete with hoodie flipping action!I really hope someone actually makes those, for no other reason than I want it to show up in Someone Bought This.
Claire then breaks down, screaming about how she needed AJ to DO THE RIGHT THING!!I agree – we need to see Lamaze classes with these two and their AJ baby with hoodie flipping action!

Finally, AJ has had enough, and comes up with a brilliant solution…in the form of a match STIPULATION!

If he beats Chris Daniels, he gets a paternity test to prove he is not the Daddy.

If he LOSES to Daniels, he admits he is the father.

Ummm…WHAT???!!!?!

Anyway, AJ wins in a good match.  But hey, this is WrestleCRAP.com, so let’s ignore that and get right back to the garbage!

As the Impact Zone chants “Who’s your daddy?” at our hero, Daniels and Kaz come out once again to badger him.  Further blah blah blah is intrerrupted by…

…some random woman we’ve never seen.

Yikes, isn’t that how this all started?

Oh no, please not again!

She introduces herself as Grace Stein, the attorney of Claire Lynch.And as her legal representative, she is authorized to read the following statement in as wooden a manner as humanly (or botanically) possible.
In short: Claire was paid by Daniels and Kaz to make the whole thing up, including her pregnancy!
To paraphrase Roddy Piper…

THAT’S NOT THE DAD!

fightingfit0c

Now the big question is why, precisely, this hideous storyline ended so abruptly.  

Well, it didn’t have anything to do with the folks in the back looking at crowd reactions or dying ratings.  It had to do with the actress who played Claire discovering that her real name got out on wrestling forums and she was more or less completely embarrassed with that, feeling that this may somehow hurt her chances for future work.

So she went back to her current job at Popeye & Bluto’s Bilge-Rat Barges ride in the park.

Seriously.

In hindsight, it’s probably a good thing Claire wasn’t actually pregnant; Popeye punching her right square in the uterus would not have given anyone a very happy ending!

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79 Responses to "Claire Lynch: The 2012 Gooker Award Winner"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    “In hindsight, it’s probably a good thing Claire wasn’t actually pregnant; Popeye punching her right square in the uterus would not have given anyone a very happy ending!”.

    That would have been a true miscarriage of justice.

    …I’ll show myself out the door.

  2. Sean Bateman says:

    Finally TNA gets the Gooker!!!! they were close with the Young-Roode-Brooks storyline

    • Raging_Demons says:

      Already?!?!? TNA won in 2010 with “The Monday Night Wars 2″!

      Interesting fact here: Before the “Hogan-Bischoff Era” TNA won zero Gookers. Now we’re in the “Hogan-Bischoff Era” & they won 2. Coincidence?

  3. Raging_Demons says:

    You kinda forgot that with her real name leaked a whole bunch of “nerds, geeks, & poindexters” went to Claire Lynch’s Social Media accounts (she had YouTube & LinkedIn) & basically dumped on her for being a bad actress that was also another reason she quit. Claire Lynch was basically cyberbullied.

    Overall a great piece.

    • Wrestlecrap's Janitor says:

      If you can’t take the heat, stay outta the kitchen!

      I have a hard time believing that Claire Lynch is a model for anything other than adult diapers.

  4. Shawn Doc Girt says:

    i voted this one to win. honestly i wouldve voted it to win a thouzand timez becuz this waz just horrible.

  5. Kregoric says:

    First of all, I would like to say that the blinking eyes at the beginning caught me completely off-guard.

    Second, excellent induction. From the first word to the last picture, it made me laugh and smile. Great way to keep up 2013.

  6. Jimbolian says:

    YOWZAS to the first image. I thought I was going insane because I had to tell myself she wasn’t really blinking. But you know, despite the subtle animated .gif, watching this entire angle unfold would make anyone certifiably insane.

  7. Phil Melcher says:

    I voted for Zack Ryder’s burial storyline with Eve Torres but GOOD GOOBER PYLE this was bad!! Also notice WWE had a storyline involving AJ and elevators.

  8. RD Reynolds says:

    Here I thought the image was sooo subtle people wouldn’t catch that.

    • Frank says:

      Nope caught it right away. Kinda freaky too. Anyways I think you might’ve rigged the voting so you could shoehorn that Roddy Piper Workout .gif in there.

    • Jimbolian says:

      Wait a tick…I know there’s another image similar to this one featuring Jeff Hardy turning his head in an unsettling matter in animated gif form.

      http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4blztFcqQ1rs6a6ko1_500.gif

      Was that you RD?!?

      • RD Reynolds says:

        No it wasn’t me. I actually found the image of Claire blinking somewhere as well (don’t remember where, maybe the F4W board?), and modified it slightly for the induction.

  9. Peter says:

    It’s funny you mentioned the debate between you guys over who would win, the D. Bryan WM debacle or this, because I voted for the Daniel Bryan match. Why? Because you mentioned that he had built up a following with his YES chants, and you were right, WWE killed it. However, once I made my vote I looked again at the nominees and saw the Claire Lynch angle. I immediately knew that would win. Either one is a good candidate but this angle had Gooker written all over it. Congrats TNA!

  10. Adam Cota says:

    You know, they really should have hit up Tiffany to play the attorney, in my humble opinion. Also, how do we know that’s not actually Gay Popeye?

  11. The Last Doink says:

    This year’s Gooker couldn’t have gone to a better angle. Even with Daniel Bryan losing in 18 seconds did stammer his push, Claire Lynch was the epitome of WrestleCrap.

    Let’s do the checklist

    1) Was the angle that was nonsensical and useless? Check

    2) Was the angle insulting and/or offensive in some way? Check

    3) Did it make us groan and/or laugh in it’s pure…well…crap? CHECK!

  12. Jason says:

    After it became “The Hulk Hogan Show” I gave up on TNA for good, and it looks like I haven’t missed much.

  13. Spaz Monkey says:

    I’ll always give this angle a pass for two reasons –

    1) It led to some pretty damn great matches between Daniels, Kaz, AJ, and Kurt Angle. Hell, their Slammiversary tag match was absolutely amazing.

    and

    2) Daniels and Kaz became the absolute best troll heels in wrestling today. It was so much fun to watch them that I was able to ignore the storyline and just enjoy them.

    • Josh Dionio says:

      Is it me or do they remind anyone else of Edge and Christian, during their whole heel gimmick phase? Now don’t get me wrong, Daniels was one of the Conquistadors but that was 12 years ago or so.

  14. IC says:

    Great choice for the winner and great induction.
    You just missed the time she came on screen driving a car randomly smoking while pregnant and nobody acknowledging it.
    This was before her pregnancy was revealed to be as real as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, but maybe we can just blame it on her being a trainwreck and committing to the part.
    As Jon Lovitz would say, ACTING!

  15. Mark Cardoso says:

    How long to we see Claire Lynch in WWE proclaiming to be pregenet with AJ baby’s…. errr Dolph’s baby.

  16. Down With OPC says:

    To me, Clair Lynch is the embodiment of Kane and Katie Vick’s unborn child.

  17. Bone White says:

    Still she makes a “crack”-ing Olive Oyl boom boom!

    I’ll get my coat

    • Ollie by Golly says:

      I’d kinda like to go on that Popeye ride.

      I’ll bet it’s a lot more entertaining than that crappy Robin Williams movie (and she’s probably a better Olive Oyl than Shelley Duvall).

  18. SaviorGabriel says:

    This is why I’ll never take TNA seriously. I really wanted to, I really did. I wanted to love TNA. But it’s moments like these (and there’s a ton of them) that will always overshadow anything positive TNA does or will ever do. I expect this out of WWE. I thought people watched TNA to get away from this crap.

  19. Rave says:

    Apparently Claire’s lawyer was played by Dixie’s mother. Explains some stuff about Dixie herself, doesn’t it?

  20. Alan says:

    This crap is why I avoid TNA like the plague. I never saw any of this angle and from the looks of it, I didn’t miss much.

  21. E-Squared says:

    Man, I am glad that I don’t watch TNA much.

  22. Y2G says:

    I’ll get shot down for this but I have to say it.

    Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus should not even have been considered for the Gooker award this year. I know there is this IWC thing about matches having to go 40 minutes for them to be considered good however. But that match at Mania did more to for those three guys than any other match on that card:

    Sheamus: he went on a great run as World Heavyweight champion.

    Daniel Bryan: took the fall out from that loss and has been red hot for almost an entire year off of it

    Aj Lee: well do I really need to say more? yeah they botched her booking with the GM thing, but she was one of the most genuinely over female performers since Lita and Trish.

    Also the current landscape of TV viewing in the form of the Rise of the UFC make quick finishes in big matches a LOT more beleiveable.

    Personally I think people crapped on that match way too quickly.

    Go back and listen to the reaction of the crowd. It worked!

    • Whlteshadow says:

      Okay dude. First of all, nobody wants to pay $50 for a PPV to see a World Heavyweight Championship match [which was also the opening match of the show. Shows how little they care about the title], where the match lasts 18 seconds in such a stupid finish. You would feel like you wasted your money on that crap and got ripped off. Nobody wants to see a “Fingerpoke Of Doom” esque title match. Get outta here with that crap.

      Daniel Bryan “red hot”? He’s been relegated to midcard hell with a stupid ass tag gimmick. He doesn’t sound human anymore. All he does is say “Yes” or “No”

      Geez, you people sugar coat WWE’s bad booking sometimes.

      And lets not turn this into a TNA vs WWE flamewar

    • Whlteshadow says:

      Almost forgot to add. Quick finishes only work in UFC and Boxing because you don’t expect it.

      For someone to actually book a quick finish for what basically amounts to a squash match is just idiotic

    • Whlteshadow says:

      You do realize that WWE edits the reactions of the crowd using recorded crowd noises right?

      • bigpoppanasty says:

        Totally correct, but do you think Bryan needs a lot of piped in chants? When there are chants going all throughout matches for a guy and “Yes” chants going on during other matches, you would be very hard pressed to convince me that those are piped in. Look, no one wanted to see Daniel Bryan get killed at Mania last year, and I agree that he’s not being used to his fullest potential in Team Hell No, but let’s take a look at what happened with that match.

        Did losing that match take away all of his heat? No
        Did losing that match kill his character? No
        Did losing that match make him any less over at all? No
        Did losing that match make him even more over than he already was? YES, YES, YES!

        Really what’s being compared between those two things is paying fifty bucks for an entire show and being upset that ONE MATCH on an entire card of matches was frustrating with the way that they killed a guy in eighteen seconds (that actually led to him getting incredibly over and then having a hot feud with CM Punk later in the year), vs a several months long angle that led to increasingly stupid segments that took up main event slots on IMPACT, led to ridiculous stipulations for matches (even if the matches were good), and had absolutely atrocious content and acting. Had Wrestlemania been entirely about Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus and that was billed as the main event and that’s what everyone was buying the show to see, then I would totally get it. That’s not what that show was billed around.

        You tell me which one was worse.

        • Load says:

          That’s a fallacy. Just because the Claire Lynch angle was bad, doesn’t prevent something else from also being bad. You can accept that Bryan/Sheamus was booked unbelievably, asininely badly without thinking it was the worst thing of the year. This isn’t about finding the one bad angle of 2012, it’s about finding the worst one of a bad bunch.

    • Load says:

      Sorry Y2G, you’re well off the mark with this. The fact you had to resort to a really ridiculous “not every match has to go 40 minutes” straw man line shows how much you were stretching. People don’t need every match to be absolutely epic, but they DO expect a World Heavyweight Championship match with a title change to last longer than half a minute – ESPECIALLY at Wrestlemania, ESPECIALLY involving the Royal Rumble winner, and ESPECIALLY when the same match a year earlier was shafted to the pre-show and ended in a non-finish, meaning some had actually been waiting over 12 months to finally see the match done right. Sheamus’s world title reign was ok, but that was IN SPITE of winning the belt like this, and was in better part due to the far-superior rematches between the two of them. Bryan looked like a total putz, and after repeatedly being given the shaft against CM Punk has become a bit-player in a comedy tag team with a catchphrase even more redundant and annoying than ‘what’. And AJ? Well, considering she was another Gooker nominee, that speaks volumes.

      I generally like WWE and defend it against the armies of bashers and TNA fanboys, but when something is booked badly you have to acknowledge it. The fact that you’ve failed to do so reflects badly on you as a wrestling fan.

      • bigpoppanasty says:

        Well, to address a few things there, I never stated that Daniel Bryan’s loss wasn’t bad. In fact, I stated that no one wanted to see him lose like that and that he’s not being used to his fullest potential. My issue with what you’re stating is the suggestion that Daniel Bryan is now a bit player. He’s one of the tag team champs, he gets a televised match every week and generally some talk time as well, and he’s not in the main event, because not every guy can be in the main event all the time. Once he goes solo again, I feel like he will move back toward that upper mid-card/main event type spot that he was at before the tag team.

      • Y2G says:

        I dont see why me mentioning not every match has to go 40 minutes is ridiculous. You cannot just call it ridiculous and not explain why. Please explain and I will happily debate it with you.

        If WWE pipes in chants why do they intentionally not do it when its clear some Raw crowds are dead? Come on that’s just IWC paranoia and ‘smarky’ in the extreme. Some crowds are dead as a door mouse on Raw they could easily edit it but they dont. Hence why the reaction of the Crowd at Mania along with the crowd the next night on Raw (remember the Si,Si,Si chants?) proved it wasnt the massive.

        This is no where near the Fingerpoke of doom. The logic is totally different.

        Fingerpoke of doom two guys look at eachother in the eyes one pokes the other falls totally making a mockery of psychology.

        Bryan is not paying attention and gets caught unawares by a brutal finisher. Surely you can see why the logic is totally different?

        All in all I disagree with it as a Gooker because the booking had logic, and all three people involved benefitted from it in the aftermath. It didnt hurt anyone and it gave the whole Wrestlemania a feel of unpredictability and it got a great pop from the crowd to get them hot. Like a good opening match should do. And you know what? that 18 seconds is going to be remembered more than Jericho vs Punk is going to be on that show!

        Bryan and Sheamus also went on to have a further 2 good PPV matches as they had lots of time to build on the feud due to the unexpected turn.

        I’d liken the Sheamus win to a money in the bank cash in. He was an opportunist who took his chance he had earned through the Rumble.

        I dont get your point with the UFC and boxing either? in fact you back up my point, it’s unexpected! Thats a good thing in wrestling these days.

        I honestly cannot see the problem here.

  23. Fx2T says:

    Congrats, Claire! You earned it, baby!

    And her pic at the top freaked me out. Thought I was seeing things when her eyes moved. O_O That that woman actually got to “act” on television boggles my mind, much like AJ Lee’s “acting.”

    And >_> at the people acting like wrestlecrap of this magnitude is exclusive to TNA. *Selective memory is fun!* This actually led to some great matches and heel work by Kaz and Daniels. Bully Ray & Brooke, I’m surprised I don’t mind, and Aces and 8s are merely boring, but other than that, as far as storylines, there have been worse things outside of the company.

    • Whlteshadow says:

      The problem with most people is that they judge a TNA production like it’s WWE. I generally don’t do that. TNA has only been in existence for 10 years.

      I am mostly talking about the people that are all “WWE rules, TNA sucks” kinda people. The kind of WWE Marks that will like whatever garbage Vince shoves down their throats

  24. ReallyPeteGas says:

    This was definitely one of the worst TNA storylines ever, and that’s saying a lot. Still think Abyss and the HOF Ring was the worst though.

  25. jd says:

    it is a shame wrestlers arent considered for emmy nominations. kaz and daniels work during were both emmy worthy for carrying such an atrocious angle.

  26. Bastard1 says:

    Holy crap! Literally the first thing I thought when I saw the picture was “you know, this chick kinda reminds me of Olive Oyl from that terrible Popeye movie” and at the end complete mind buggery did ensue! If a remake’s close at hand (and you know it is), Ms. Whateverherrealnameis is a shoe-in!

  27. Art0Donnell says:

    Snitsky should apply to play Popeye at Universal Studios.

  28. John Matrix says:

    I’d also like to add that Claire isn’t *that* unattractive. I’d be proud to call her the mother of one of my crack babies.

  29. CP says:

    And Impact won the Wrestling Program of the year in the Observer. Which says to me that the Observer wasn’t watching this. Or Impact.

  30. Ryback Is GOD!!! says:

    She looks kinda hot dressed as Olivoil.

  31. Kifarured says:

    I watched none of the “Claire Lynch” angle on TNA; I’m not only proud of that fact, I’m smug about it. That being said, how could this drivel not have won? It looks to have had everything that former Gooker winners have been cited for. How awesome would it be to have actual interviews with folks in the audiences that had to endure this debacle? Maybe we’ll get that once Vince buys them out. Say in about 12 months.
    And now the Goblin is working his magic again this year, putting TNA in the running for another Gooker with his “what could possibly go wrong?” wedding angle. The fact he is including his untalented offspring in this one is both unsurprising and the completion of the circle of crap that has been the hallmark of his time with this doomed promotion.

    • Evan Waters says:

      It was especially frustrating for being in a period where Impact as a whole was astonishingly not bad. It’s like everything that was normally horrible about TNA was condensed into one horrible plotline, while the rest was entertaining (Including the World Tag Team Champions of the World, of course.) It just brought the show to a dead halt whenever it came up.

  32. Evan Waters says:

    This whole thing would have worked if instead of Claire Lynch, it was Jerri Blank (as played by Amy Sedaris.) Imagine her starting her every segment with “I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!”

  33. Lee says:

    Sadly enough this is my most reliable source of TNA’s happenings owing to the fact that I can’t stay awake long enough to watch one of their shows to the end

  34. Josh Owen says:

    Great job on the induction. My only criticism on this one is that the induction does not give you an idea of just how incredibly long this lasted. Maybe it was just me, but it seemed like 4 months of this crap.

  35. Madman Szalinski says:

    First time in eleven years that the Gooker I voted for wound up winning.

    This was bad. I mean BAD. As one guy put it on the forums, “like looking into the Ark of the Covenant.”

  36. Apestench says:

    At the fan party at Six Flags the night before Slammiversary, during this angle, I was standing next to Kazarian and Daniels while JB was taking questions for AJ. Someone asked what his favorite moment in TNA has been so far. After thinking a moment he replied “Kissing Karen Angle.” Boy, Frankie and Chris had a field day with that.

  37. Gabe Benson says:

    I don’t know what to say as I thankfully missed all of this. I havne’t watched a TNA show in a long time and if this is the garbage Hogan and Bischoff are showing I won’t be turning in anytime soon. RD I know you wrote the death of WCW, but why doesn’t Bischoff start stealing from the Japanese wresting circuits again for storylines? Maybe he can catch lighting in a bottle 1 more time in his life?

  38. RobHimself says:

    Awesome recap, though was surprised you didn’t highlight the bit about the taped earlier today bit where old Lynch is driving into the Impact Zone, gets stopped by security, and you see that she’s smoking a cig as clear as life. That’s that level of commitment that would make Russo proud.

  39. James says:

    Ok if AJ got punched out by Surge, does that mean he got beat up by a soda?

  40. Tyler says:

    i didnt notice that the picture at the top was a gif and freaked out when i saw claire lynch blink out of the corner of my eye

  41. a says:

    The only good thing from this angle was to turn Danield and Kazarian into one of the funniest team ever.

  42. Luke says:

    I work thursday nites (is that when tna is on?) and rarely get to see TNA (usually a few times a year) but i was able to watch one of the shows above. I immediately thought “wrestlecrap”…and changed the channel.

  43. George says:

    “bun in her oven” doesn’t make sense. The acting here was better than Twilight. Also Claire’s hot.

  44. Taiyah Jackson says:

    Let’s be honest here: this storyline was WrestleCrap from the beginning.

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