Induction: Chyna on Sabrina the Teenage Witch – How’s that for piledriving Miss Daisy?

36 Submitted by on Thu, 21 August 2014, 20:00

WB Network, 2002

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Sabrina The Teenage Witch was a mediocre sitcom that aired on ABC in the late ‘90s as part of an all-supernatural TGIF lineup, along with Teen Angel (about an angel),

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You Wish (about a genie),

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and Boy Meets World (about the walking shadow of the lead actor’s older, more famous brother).

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Melissa Joan Hart starred as the titular witch, and no, by “titular witch,” I don’t mean Stephanie McMahon’s Halloween costume from 2002.

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Another mainstay on the series was Salem, the talking cat, whose voice many of you will recognize as the narrator of “Exposed! Pro Wrestling’s Greatest Secrets.”

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A recurring plot on the show was that Sabrina has to hide her identity as a witch, as, aside from her immediate family, everyone from her friends to her teachers thinks she is just a normal teenager. But that’s because don’t know the secrets!

By 2002, the show had been re-tooled and moved to the WB Network (although through a series of corporate mergers, CBS now owns the series); Sabrina was now in college with a new cast of characters, including Soleil Moon Frye. To those non-francophones out there, “Soleil Moon” is French for “Punky Brewster”.

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However, despite the major overhauls, the show was clearly past its late-90s prime and lacking the support of a major promotional force. Sound like someone you know?

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Yes, Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna, who guest-starred on the 2002 episode, “Driving Mr. Goodman”!

witch05 On this episode, Sabrina was giving her friend Miles Goodman driving lessons when he took his eyes off the road, accidentally plowing into Chyna’s rear end.
Chyna, however, not only didn’t demand top billing on the DVD cover, she didn’t even want any money, cheerfully laughing off the accident, which didn’t leave a scratch. witch06
witch07 Not longer after the accident, though, Chyna (or Mary Jo, as she was known on this episode) changed her tune and decided to sue Sabrina for medical bills.
Skeptical, Sabrina went to Chyna’s house to visit and see whether she was really injured; despite the very minor car crash, the 9th Wonder of the World was now bedridden and sporting a neck brace. Unconvinced, Salem the cat, being the world’s foremost authority on selling injuries, jumped on Chyna in hopes of getting her to jump out of bed and betray the whole ruse. witch08 
witch09 Instead, she just stayed put, transfixed in horror at the demonic pussy shoving itself into her face. Blade Braxton would have a similar experience watching her and X-Pac’s sex tape
I bet this gif alone is giving Blade flashbacks. witch10
witch11 Sabrina then went to Chyna’s garage, where she found the previously unscathed car crumpled like a train had hit it.
She then used a magic spell and, doing her best Jerry Van Dyke impression, had a conversation with Chyna’s car.
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“A ‘My Mother the Car’ reference!? That was like 50 years ago!”

witch13 According to the car, Chyna’s character crashed it all the time, purposefully backing it into other cars to sue the drivers. Sure, it looks painful to the jurors, but that’s because they don’t know the secrets!
Now Sabrina had to prove that Chyna was faking her injury, so she showed up at her gym and transformed herself into a She-Hulk through the power of magic and some very unconvincing special effects. witch14 
witch15 (No word on whether she worked the makeup chair on the set of Chyna’s movies)
Competing under a fake Russian name and spouting off a fake German accent, Sabrina snapped Chyna’s weightlifting records like some Commie Nazi’s neck. witch16
witch17 Chyna’s pride wouldn’t allow this to stand, so she yanked off her neckbrace and lifted the weights herself…
…which Sabrina, after revealing her true identity, pointed out exposed her injuries as fake and destroyed her legal case. You’d think that Chyna would be astonished at Sabrina altering her appearance beyond recognition, but… Nah, enough cheap shots at Chyna. witch18 
witch19 After all, nobody likes an a**hole.
 

In the end, Sabrina beat the lawsuit, Miles got his license, and Chyna got charged with fraud. And if you think Chyna’s character met a pathetic fate, just look what she ended up doing in real life that very same month!

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But that’s another induction for another time.

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He currently runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws and Hasbro WWF figures. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
36 Responses to "Induction: Chyna on Sabrina the Teenage Witch – How’s that for piledriving Miss Daisy?"
  1. RD Reynolds says:

    My neighbor looks like MJH. She’ll be thrilled to know she made the site.

  2. Sean Bateman says:

    Back Door to Chyna should be inducted SOON

    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      That’s really not the kind of thing we want to feature on the site. Sorry- you’re going to have to buy it and watch it yourself if you want to experience that terror. :)

    • DRM says:

      I worked at an adult video store when that abomination unto the lord occurred. There are some few horrid things that no humour or joy can be gleaned from. What I’ve seen from that film cannot be unseen; turn back now and keep your eyes fixed firmly forward.

  3. BaltoJim says:

    Soleil Moon Frye used to be pretty titular herself before she had the reduction surgery.

    • Byelander says:

      Yeah but she had an actual medical affliction. Her breasts were ridiculously large considering she hadn’t even turned 16, and they were only going to get bigger and heavier for her. Nipple H had a normal chest that she enhanced with (comparably modest) implant surgery.

  4. Rose Harmon says:

    The red carpet pic of Chyna makes her look a lot like a guy I know. Does plastic surgery lose its effectiveness after some time?

  5. Beaver Cleavage says:

    Whoa whoa whoa, saying anything negative about Boy Meets World, even in jest, is complete blasphemy.

  6. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Needs more Ferguson.

  7. Chris "Why God Why" Mohr says:

    Chyna made a SECOND adult feature? Well, I guess that takes care of my Christmas gifts for this year…

    In all seriousness though, a buddy and I get into Christmas wars to see who can buy the absolute worst gifts each year. I have gotten him old VHS tapes, he has countered with Axe body spray and Steel Reserve, I then counter with Robocop on Laserdisc…

    This year I shall go nuclear…

  8. Andre R. says:

    She guest-starred on Third Rock From The Sun as well, if I remember correctly.

  9. E-Squared says:

    Have you inducted the episode with Billy Gunn?

  10. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    LOL at the ‘titular witch’ line, and nice work with the My Mother The Car reference. Somewhere, Triple Kelly is smiling.

  11. The Scanian Maniac says:

    Apropos of mediocre television shows, the Kevin Nash and David Otunga episodes on Celebrity Ghost Stories really deserves an induction :-)

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3419774/
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3418370/

  12. Byelander says:

    I don’t even know why Chyna wanted all that surgery done in the first place. Her entire gimmick was that she was a masculine woman who could measure up to many of the guys in WWF. It would be like Luna Vachon getting all that shit done to her, it’s pointless. She looks far worse as a result of the surgery than she did before it, she may have been butch but she was naturally butch so you’d think she’d be told to embrace her uniqueness especially in a male-dominated industry. Now she just looks like a carrier bag full of spanners that got run over by a monster truck.

    • FromTokyo says:

      She looks far better after the surgery, imo. Didn’t stop people from criticizing her anyway, but if she needed that to feel better about her self (which also didn’t appear to work)….

      You know what, I can’t really make a case about self-esteem. She got great work done, though – South Korean plastic surgery-level good – except for her chest. I think her old site may no longer be up, but she used to have some beautiful pictures (non-explicit) of herself on there. I had never realized how beautiful her eyes were, even when she was on my tv every week.

    • Andre R. says:

      Actually, Luna did end up getting huge implants. She was practically flat-chested for a while, and then came back with a giant chest. Yep!

  13. jonthejoker says:

    Has RD ever inducted that piece of crap show “Nikki” that was built around wrestling and had a special appearance by a “gay” Kevin Nash?

  14. FromTokyo says:

    She made her choices, but I may never stop feeling bad for Chyna. She always has been and always be the butt of people’s jokes. (No pun intended.)

  15. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Another great one, Art!

  16. Mister Forth says:

    As bad as things have been for her, at least she’s not known as the voice of the worst character on a TV show people barely remember.

  17. Mike says:

    That ending image gave me a terrible flashback. What was FOX thinking?

    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      They were thinking that reality TV was really cheap to produce and did really good ratings. Oh sure, the content sucked, but…

  18. gobias says:

    When I see that pic of Steph now, it makes me think of the Sorceress from Dragon’s Crown.

  19. MS says:

    I don’t remember in in Sabrina for some reason. I do remember her being in 3rd Rock From the Sun. Has that ever been inducted?

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