Brakus: Mein Name Ist Brakus, Und Mein Musik ist Lacherich!

8 Submitted by on Wed, 26 December 2012, 20:18

WWF, 1996
Text by RD Reynolds

Shew, got my work cut out for me this week.

I mean really, how can I possibly stretch an entire induction out of a guy who I can find three matches and two promo videos on? And to cap that off, in the videos, he speaks a foreign language! An impossible task to be sure, right?

Fear not…I’m RD Reynolds, right? I’ve made a living out of doing stuff like this. In fact, in the old days, I churned out two inductions a week for like three years in a row. Granted, they were about 250 words each and a lot of them are so bad I refuse to go back and read them myself anymore. But after that Michael Cole Gooker winner I penned a few weeks back, this will be a whole new challenge.

Show of hands: who wants to join me in my latest challenge?

Too bad, you’re all coming along.

Today we visit Brakus! I like to say “visit” Brakus, because honestly, Brakus sounds like a city in Germany or something. In fact, I bet it is. Excuse me while I hop out to Google and do a search.

~comes back five minutes later~

Ok, apparently not. But I did find a dude on LinkedIn named Ed Brakus, who apparently is the Principal Engineer of the Video Solutions Group at Polycom. In his profile picture, he appears to be sailing a boat! I know nothing about Polycom, but if you get to be a video engineer at sea, I think I missed my calling.

See how I did that, kids? I’m already at 250 words, and I’ve not even started showing pictures and playing sound bytes yet. If you’ve ever wanted to see the evolution we’ve made here at WrestleCrap.com in the last 12 years, right there you have it!

Before we really delve into the complexities of Brakus, I first want to make a confession: I know very little about German wrestling.

In fact, I can name, I believe, two German wrestlers off the top of my head.

Alex Wright, of course…

…and Otto Wanz, who apparently paid off Verne Gagne so he could have an AWA World Title reign back in 1982.

I’d critique the guy for doing something that is somewhat unseemly, but let’s face facts: would you pay top dollar for an autographed Otto Wanz picture if he was NOT sporting that title belt?

I bet that sealed the deal for Ridigie.

Or Dridigie.

Or Priduge.

Say this for Otto: he has pretty horrible handwriting.

Oh hey, I just remembered another one: George Hackenschmidt, whom I am sure had better handwriting than Big Otto.

(Note from RD: And yes, approximately 10 billion people have alerted me that Otto was from Austria, not Germany. So for those of you keeping track, well…just buy me a globe next Christmas, alright?)

So yeah, that there’s pretty much sum and total of my Deutschland pro graps knowledge prior to 1996, when the world changed.

Because that’s when Brakus arrived in the WWF.

But he didn’t just show up one week out of the blue. Instead, we got weeks of the WWF promising us BRAKUS COMING SOON, not only with logos but with…

…shots of the dude’s (very oily) back.

And yes, of course, ranting and raving in his native tongue.

Fun fact about RD Reynolds: I actually know German. I took six years of it in high school and college, and have never really had the opportunity to use it save for an encounter I had at the Munich train station. It went something like this.

RD: Ich brauche eine karte.

Lady behind counter looks confused

RD: Ich brauche eine karte.

Lady behind counter looks confused.

RD: ICH. BRAUCHE. EINE. KARTE.

Lady behind counter looks annoyed.

RD: Man, how do I say this…

Lady behind counter: Oh, you speak English?

What a fantastic use of six years of education.

But now, you know what? NOW I can use my vast knowledge of the German language for a useful purpose, as I will translate for you the first Brakus promo (which you can listen to by clicking here).

My name is Brakus
And I come from Germany
My wish is that I do not phone
In America, there’s World Wrestling Federation
And beneath my nipples, my sternum!

Fellow Crappers, Dennis Grasshoff here.
I actually live in Germany, and RD wanted me to double check his translation. He got like two lines right. The rest was not even close. For instance, no idea where he got the stuff about wishes and phones.
The actual translation is this:
My name is Brakus
And I come from Germany
I weigh 300 pounds
And when I come to America
To the World Wrestling Federation
I will get Vader in the ring
And destroy him!
I will also throw in that he had a second promo (here) where he basically said the same thing, but promised destruction to Hunter Hearst Helmsley instead of Vader.
So yeah, please don’t email me asking where RD got that stuff about sternums and nipples. No idea, and don’t want to know.
Anyway, back to RD.

Err, thanks, Dennis, I guess.

So yeah, Brakus debuted and…wait a minute.

He was targeting Hunter and Vader?

So he was a good guy?

You know Dennis, you’re a nice guy and all, but I am thinking maybe you blew that translation.

Soon enough, we got Brakus coming to the ring wearing chainmail.

Somehow I now think less of Scott Steiner, knowing he stole that look from BRAKUS of all people.

Don’t tell him that BTW.

Anyway, he came out to theme music that was…well…awful.

It sounded just like Skinemax background music…if said music were coming out of a Sega Genesis.

Maybe that’s what snarling German babyfaces who wear chainmail jam to, who knows.

So he had a couple of matches, and also was involved in the legendary (and fellow induction) Brawl for All.

Y’all remember that, right?

When the WWF had guys go out and legit beat the crap out of each other?

Well, in poor Brakus’ case, he got bested by Savio Vega.

This while Jim Ross dubbed Brakus the “German Superman.”

Somehow I doubt the real Superman would have become as famous as he is if he got beat up by Savio Vega.

And that was pretty much it for the guy in the WWF.

A couple of matches, and he just vanished.

But don’t you fret!

Because a scant two years later he showed up in…

ECW?????

Yes, Brakus.

In ECW.

And get this – he was part of a WWF invasion of the company.

Really – look behind him. That’s Mr. Right holding the WWF flag.

What the hell was Paul E. thinking?

Yeah, I don’t know either dude.

You know what would have got a lot of heat in ECW? You beating Sandman over the head with that WWF guitar of yours.

I bet they’d still be in business if Paul would have booked that.

For this match, Brakus isn’t from Germany, but rather from Stamford, Connecticut.

You know, I bet if he did that promo, and said “Stamford, Connecticut”, it would have gotten over huge.

Let’s try it.

No, that was terrible.

It actually may have been the single stupidest thing I’ve ever done to try to elicit a laugh on this site.

Sorry about that.

Brakus’ opponent in the match is one Taz.

This would be bad ass Taz in his ECW prime.

And yeah, that means Brakus through a table an a Tazmission.

And THAT was the end of Brakus.

So the question is how do I end this induction.

Answer: by saying good bye to you in German!

Gut tschüs, Ich habe meine scheussele verlossen!

Note from Dennis: I think he said goodbye, and that he has lost his keys?

Written by

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
8 Responses to "Brakus: Mein Name Ist Brakus, Und Mein Musik ist Lacherich!"
  1. Hennrik says:

    dear Mr RD REYNOLDS, you seriously can’t name other German Wrestler, Karl Gotch!! Well i guess its hard to remember one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, for Shame.

  2. Matt McGovern says:

    Ever since I discovered this website, this has been the induction I’ve shown my friends in attempts to recruit even more crappers! This is my favorite induction ever and it’s things like this that define Wrestlecrap.com.

  3. J. S. says:

    Not Ridigie,

    Or Dridigie,

    Or Priduge,

    but the german name Rüdiger.

  4. JÖL says:

    Hackenschmidt was “the Russian Lion.” I speak some German. “Alex Wright” is German for “Paul Lekakis.” I thought your Crap was funny. I laughed 3 times.

  5. Urvy says:

    A Note about the music-It was Mark Henry’s theme, then it was the theme to a tag team known as Armageddon.

  6. Ze Frenchie says:

    Then again, the word “brakus” in ancient greek means “short”. So, his name was predestined…

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