Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Fan Already Upset Over The Outcome Of The Cena-Orton Match

9 Submitted by on Fri, 13 December 2013, 08:00
Topeka, KS – During 6th period lunch, lifetime wrestling fan Jayden Griswald let everyone within earshot know that he already hated how the John Cena-Randy Orton was going to end. This was despite the fact that the TLC Pay-Per-View was not occurring for a few more days. “They have no idea what they’re doing,” said the C minus-average high school Continue Reading...
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Headlies: ‘Voices’ In Randy Orton’s Head Revealed To Be A Green Alien Named Gazoo

19 Submitted by on Fri, 06 December 2013, 08:00
Oklahoma City, OK – During a backstage segment with Renee Young, the supposed “voices” inside WWE Champion Randy Orton’s head were actually revealed to be a little green alien named Gazoo. In the middle of one of his patented slow-motion promos, Randy Orton paused for a long time. While not atypical for a speech given by the Apex Predator, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince And Linda McMahon Go Black Friday Shopping

8 Submitted by on Fri, 29 November 2013, 08:00
White Plains, NY – At 4:45am on Friday morning, a stretch limo with the license plate “V1NNY MAC” pulled up to the White Plains Walmart. WWE Chairman Vince McMahon emerged from the limo into the chilly morning air with his wife, former 2-time Republican candidate for U.S. Senate, Linda. “I don’t understand why we’re here,” grumbled a cranky Vince. “We Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Builds On The Success Of The Wheel Of Dixie, Deploys More Carnival Games

13 Submitted by on Fri, 22 November 2013, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Spurred by success of the Wheel of Dixie, TNA has decided to use more traditional carnival games during episodes of Impact. During a press conference at Universal Studio’s Soundstage 10 Annex Room B, TNA President Dixie Carter explained the company’s amusement game expansion. “Whether it’s used to decide what kind of tournament match Samoa Joe will have Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Corporate Kane’s First Day At The Office

18 Submitted by on Fri, 15 November 2013, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Corporate Kane spent the first day as WWE’s new Director of Operations getting acclimated to working in the corporate world of professional wrestling. Formerly known as The Big Red Monster, Kane woke at 6:30am to prepare for his first day at Titan Towers. After a quick shower and shave, Kane put on his freshly-pressed Jos A. Bank Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Low Attendance Reported For Vader’s “White Castle Of Fear” Halloween Party

11 Submitted by on Fri, 08 November 2013, 08:00
Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, CO – Last week, former WCW and WWE star Big Van Vader hosted his annual Halloween party at his White Castle of Fear. Unfortunately, the turnout was much lower than he had expected. “I don’t understand it,” barked Vader. “I must’ve sent out like a hundred of these invitations and there’s only a handful of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Very Interested In Signing Backyard Wrestler

20 Submitted by on Fri, 01 November 2013, 08:00
Wilmington, DE- Backyard wrestler and current Xtreme Backyard Wrestling Alliance World Champion Mike Stab was shocked to learn that the WWE wanted to offer him a contract. Following his “Barbed-Wire, Fireworks, and Dog Doo” match with Slash Hackenschmidt, “The Master Of Darkness” Damian Devil, and Mark Boner at the XBWA’s 1st annual “Murda N’ Mayhem” Tournament, Stab relaxed behind the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Finds A New Permanent Home

19 Submitted by on Fri, 25 October 2013, 08:00
Littleton, WV – During an impromptu press conference, TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter announced that she has signed a new deal procuring a venue to house the wrestling promotion for the next three years. “We loved the Impact Zone in Tampa, but it was just time to go,” said Carter. “Universal Studios really helped us out, whether it was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant

16 Submitted by on Fri, 11 October 2013, 09:00
Tampa, FL – Following the firing of The Big Show, WWE has signed former WCW Heavyweight Champion and nWo member The Giant. Stephanie McMahon introduced the late 90’s star at a press conference near his home in Tampa. “After we got rid of that dead weight Big Show, the WWE was in desperate for a big man,” said Stephanie McMahon. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair Hires “World’s Cheapest Man” As His New Financial Advisor

9 Submitted by on Wed, 09 October 2013, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair has announced the hiring of Roy Haynes, commonly known as the “Cheapest Man In America”, as his new financial advisor. A multi-time champion in various wrestling companies, Flair has undergone various legal and financial troubles in recent years, putting a strain on his bottom line. “Between the divorces, the silk robes, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo

17 Submitted by on Sat, 05 October 2013, 09:00
Buffalo, NY – In a surprising turn of events, WWE has decided that every match on their upcoming ‘Battleground’ pay-per-view will be canceled and replaced by a three-hour long promo by WWE COO Triple H. Triple H dropped the bombshell news during an otherwise mundane press conference promoting the event. “We looked at the card and some serious consideration, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Knockouts Division Now Just Gail Kim, ODB, And A Sack Of Flour

13 Submitted by on Mon, 30 September 2013, 08:00
Tulsa, OK – Another round of roster cuts have once again reduced the number of wrestlers in TNA. The Knockouts division has become particularly depleted, leaving only Gail Kim, Knockouts champion ODB, and a sack of flour. While having very little television time, the sack of flour has been with the company for several years serving as both a road Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Celebrates the “Running Of The Mantaur”

13 Submitted by on Wed, 25 September 2013, 08:00
Omaha, NE – At a house show this past weekend, WWE celebrated their annual “Running Of The Mantaur” backstage, pitting their Superstars against a charging Mantaur. Wrestlers ran throughout the a sectioned-off part of the CenturyLink Center as Mantaur, wearing his iconic gigantic bison head, chased after them. Several brave wrestlers got close enough to taunt and hit Mantaur with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miz’s Dad Watches Son Get Pummeled, Wins Father of the Year for Not Stopping It

14 Submitted by on Tue, 17 September 2013, 08:00
Cleveland, OH – After watching his son receive vicious beatdown on Raw at the hands of Randy Orton, George Mizanin was awarded the 73rd annual “Father Of The Year” award from the Father’s Day Council. A small ceremony was held at the Cleveland Hilton Conference Room C. Council chairman Dan Orweig was on-hand to present the Miz’s father with a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” T-shirts Not Selling As Well As Expected

4 Submitted by on Sat, 14 September 2013, 12:00
Nashville, TN – Despite being available for several months online and being sold at every live event, sales of TNA’s “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” t-shirts have been very disappointing. During a company-wide meeting, sort-of TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter addressed the situation. “I don’t understand the problem,” said a bewildered Dixie. “We put on a great product every Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Twitter Personality Jim Ross Retires

9 Submitted by on Wed, 11 September 2013, 16:19
  Norman, OK – Internet personality Jim Ross announced Wednesday that, after a long and extensive run in the business of tweeting, he will be retiring from Twitter, effective immediately. Ross, 61, has become known among the younger generation as an ardent user of the social media site Twitter. Ross, known to fans as, “Good Ol’ JR”, mostly for the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miss Marietta Lively To Debut On Monday Night Raw

10 Submitted by on Mon, 09 September 2013, 08:00
Toronto, ON – Miss Marietta Lively, a new female wrestler, will make her in ring debut tonight at Monday Night Raw. “The WWE is proud to have Miss Marietta Lively on our roster, especially after the firing of Cody Rhodes last week,” said Triple H. “You know, I don’t actually know all that much about her. As Executive Vice President Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H To Release Album Of Disney Classics

7 Submitted by on Mon, 02 September 2013, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Following his stirring rendition of “When You Wish Upon A Star” from the classic “Pinocchio” WWE has decided to release an entire album of Triple H singing Disney songs. “I was just feeling it on Raw, you know?” said Triple H inside the recording studio. “Sometimes when you can’t find the correct words to say, you just Continue Reading...
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Headlies: No One In The Back Wants To Help CM Punk

4 Submitted by on Tue, 27 August 2013, 19:00
Phoenix, AZ – During a vicious beatdown at the hands of Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel, it became abundantly clear that no one in the back wants to help CM Punk. As the assault on the handcuffed CM Punk continued on live television for several agonizing minutes, no one from the locker room deemed it necessary to come out and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Daniel Bryan Changes His Catchphrase to ‘Maybe!’

6 Submitted by on Mon, 26 August 2013, 08:00
Aberdeen, WA – WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan has changed his definitive catchphrase of “Yes!” to a more neutral chant of “Maybe!” Following the loss of the WWE Championship to Randy Orton mere seconds after defeating John Cena, the volatile Bryan has gone into a mode of self-reflection and introspection. “Despite my years of dominating on the independent scene, I’ve come Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Miz Revealed to be Lovecraftian Old God

9 Submitted by on Mon, 19 August 2013, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – In a shocking turn of events, WWE Superstar The Miz, was revealed to be a blasphemous “Old One”, an ancient and extremely powerful supernatural entity from beyond the stars. Following an exciting main event featuring WWE Champion John Cena and Daniel Bryan, The Miz, who was serving as the host of Summerslam, stood in the middle Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES — Conquistadors Continue Not Living Up to Their Name

8 Submitted by on Sat, 17 August 2013, 09:00
June 20th, 2013, Dumpwater, FL — WCNewz was on hand last night for an Indy Event, where the Tag Team known as Los Conquistadors continued not living up to their name. For more than a quarter of a century, multiple wrestlers have worn the gold bodysuit/mask combo, wrestling in losing efforts in Japan, New Zealand, Mexico, the US and other Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brooke Hogan Excited To Start Doing Whatever It Is She Actually Does

12 Submitted by on Sat, 17 August 2013, 08:30
Tampa Bay, FL – Following the news of her firing, TNA Knockouts Executive Brooke Hogan has stated that she is looking forward to her future projects. In a press conference, Hogan, real name Brooke Ellen Bollea, said, “This chapter in my life is closing, but I am looking forward to the next one. I have been blessed with a wildly Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Local Man Didn’t Realize How Much He Cared About Darren Young Until He Came Out

24 Submitted by on Thu, 15 August 2013, 13:57
  Glendale, AZ – After WWE superstar Darren Young admitted his homosexuality on Thursday, an outpouring of support has manifested, from fans and WWE personnel alike. Longtime fan Tom Bogerton, 32, of Delmore Street, was never particularly a fan of Young, or Young’s tag team, the Prime Time Players, until the stirring announcement. “I always just ignored his team, because Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Partners With Ancestry.com For New Website

12 Submitted by on Mon, 12 August 2013, 14:00
Provo, Utah – World Wresting Entertainment is proud to announce that have have partnered with Ancestry.com, the world’s largest for-profit genealogy company in world. “We here at WWE are absolutely thrilled to work with a company like Ancestry.com,” said Stephanie McMahon. “They are a well-established and respectable company. Plus their commercials are so cute and clever. The WWE Universe loves Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bo Dallas Is Standing Right Behind You

16 Submitted by on Mon, 05 August 2013, 09:00
Seriously, Right Behind You – Ok, don’t look, but NXT champion Bo Dallas is standing right behind you. Yeah, I have no idea why, but he’s like right there. No, he’s not doing anything, he’s just kind of standing there and staring. And breathing really hard. Ugh, this is so weird and creepy. Maybe if we ignore him, he’ll go Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bad Influence Live Up To Their Name, Corrupt Innocent TNA Talent

15 Submitted by on Sat, 27 July 2013, 09:00
Nashville, TN – The TNA tag team known as Bad Influence, consisting of Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, have been living up to their namesake and causing problems in the locker room. Though the two had been wrestling for several years in the company, it wasn’t until they officially joined forces that their habits and attitude started affecting others. “Kazarian and Continue Reading...
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