Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Curtis Axel and Ryback Repackaged As ‘The New American Males’

17 Submitted by on Fri, 10 January 2014, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Prior to this week’s taping of Smackdown, Vince McMahon held a meeting with Curtis Axel and Ryback to discuss a repackaging of their characters. McMahon, flanked by Triple H called the floundering tag team into his office and laid out his idea. “Curtis. Ryback. We all know that things aren’t really working out for both of you,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: MILLIONS DELETE WWE APP AFTER DISCOVERING JERRY LAWLER WAS GOING TO LIVE

6 Submitted by on Tue, 07 January 2014, 13:48
  BALTIMORE – After being hospitalized earlier Monday following a vomiting spell that was possibly linked to chest pains, wrestling legend Jerry “The King” Lawler updated a worldwide television audience with a positive prognosis during WWE Monday Night Raw. In regards to receiving updates on Lawler’s health status, dignified lead WWE broadcaster Michael Cole informed home viewers that they could Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Green Bay Packers bring in David Schultz for pep talk

8 Submitted by on Sun, 05 January 2014, 14:13
Yesterday, the visiting San Francisco 49ers recruited wrestling legend Ric Flair to speak to the team the day before their NFC wild-card game versus the Green Bay Packers, prompting San Francisco right tackle Anthony Davis to tweet his appreciation for the Nature Boy, while labeling Green Bay a “s*** hole.” Outraged by the disrespect for the Packers’ home, Green Bay Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestlers Make Their New Year’s Resolutions

14 Submitted by on Fri, 03 January 2014, 08:00
Stamford, CT and Orlando, FL – Various wrestlers and wrestling officials from both WWE and TNA have made their New Year’s resolutions public. WWE AJ Lee: “Get endorsed by Skip-It and polish my forehead.” The Bella Twins: “Yell ‘Come on!’ more during matches.” The Big Show: “I vow to team up with as many people as possible. 2014 is the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Items Go On Clearance At WWEShop.com

16 Submitted by on Fri, 27 December 2013, 08:00
New York, NY – In what has become a yearly WWE tradition similar to firings after Wrestlemania, multiple items at WWEShop.com have gone on clearance the day after Christmas. WWE’s Chief Revenue and Marketing Officer Michelle D. Wilson said, “Even though Christmas has passed, it is still the season of giving. We here at WWE are thrilled to be able Continue Reading...
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Headlies: A Visit From St. Vince

15 Submitted by on Fri, 20 December 2013, 08:00
Twas the night before Christmas, While sitting on the couch Not a thing on TV was stirring, Not even an In Your House.   The official Hornswoggle stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Vince McMahon soon would be there.   The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of good wrestling Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Already Upset Over The Outcome Of The Cena-Orton Match

9 Submitted by on Fri, 13 December 2013, 08:00
Topeka, KS – During 6th period lunch, lifetime wrestling fan Jayden Griswald let everyone within earshot know that he already hated how the John Cena-Randy Orton was going to end. This was despite the fact that the TLC Pay-Per-View was not occurring for a few more days. “They have no idea what they’re doing,” said the C minus-average high school Continue Reading...
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Headlies: ‘Voices’ In Randy Orton’s Head Revealed To Be A Green Alien Named Gazoo

19 Submitted by on Fri, 06 December 2013, 08:00
Oklahoma City, OK – During a backstage segment with Renee Young, the supposed “voices” inside WWE Champion Randy Orton’s head were actually revealed to be a little green alien named Gazoo. In the middle of one of his patented slow-motion promos, Randy Orton paused for a long time. While not atypical for a speech given by the Apex Predator, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince And Linda McMahon Go Black Friday Shopping

8 Submitted by on Fri, 29 November 2013, 08:00
White Plains, NY – At 4:45am on Friday morning, a stretch limo with the license plate “V1NNY MAC” pulled up to the White Plains Walmart. WWE Chairman Vince McMahon emerged from the limo into the chilly morning air with his wife, former 2-time Republican candidate for U.S. Senate, Linda. “I don’t understand why we’re here,” grumbled a cranky Vince. “We Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Builds On The Success Of The Wheel Of Dixie, Deploys More Carnival Games

13 Submitted by on Fri, 22 November 2013, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Spurred by success of the Wheel of Dixie, TNA has decided to use more traditional carnival games during episodes of Impact. During a press conference at Universal Studio’s Soundstage 10 Annex Room B, TNA President Dixie Carter explained the company’s amusement game expansion. “Whether it’s used to decide what kind of tournament match Samoa Joe will have Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Corporate Kane’s First Day At The Office

18 Submitted by on Fri, 15 November 2013, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Corporate Kane spent the first day as WWE’s new Director of Operations getting acclimated to working in the corporate world of professional wrestling. Formerly known as The Big Red Monster, Kane woke at 6:30am to prepare for his first day at Titan Towers. After a quick shower and shave, Kane put on his freshly-pressed Jos A. Bank Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Low Attendance Reported For Vader’s “White Castle Of Fear” Halloween Party

11 Submitted by on Fri, 08 November 2013, 08:00
Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, CO – Last week, former WCW and WWE star Big Van Vader hosted his annual Halloween party at his White Castle of Fear. Unfortunately, the turnout was much lower than he had expected. “I don’t understand it,” barked Vader. “I must’ve sent out like a hundred of these invitations and there’s only a handful of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Very Interested In Signing Backyard Wrestler

20 Submitted by on Fri, 01 November 2013, 08:00
Wilmington, DE- Backyard wrestler and current Xtreme Backyard Wrestling Alliance World Champion Mike Stab was shocked to learn that the WWE wanted to offer him a contract. Following his “Barbed-Wire, Fireworks, and Dog Doo” match with Slash Hackenschmidt, “The Master Of Darkness” Damian Devil, and Mark Boner at the XBWA’s 1st annual “Murda N’ Mayhem” Tournament, Stab relaxed behind the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Finds A New Permanent Home

19 Submitted by on Fri, 25 October 2013, 08:00
Littleton, WV – During an impromptu press conference, TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter announced that she has signed a new deal procuring a venue to house the wrestling promotion for the next three years. “We loved the Impact Zone in Tampa, but it was just time to go,” said Carter. “Universal Studios really helped us out, whether it was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant

16 Submitted by on Fri, 11 October 2013, 09:00
Tampa, FL – Following the firing of The Big Show, WWE has signed former WCW Heavyweight Champion and nWo member The Giant. Stephanie McMahon introduced the late 90′s star at a press conference near his home in Tampa. “After we got rid of that dead weight Big Show, the WWE was in desperate for a big man,” said Stephanie McMahon. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair Hires “World’s Cheapest Man” As His New Financial Advisor

9 Submitted by on Wed, 09 October 2013, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair has announced the hiring of Roy Haynes, commonly known as the “Cheapest Man In America”, as his new financial advisor. A multi-time champion in various wrestling companies, Flair has undergone various legal and financial troubles in recent years, putting a strain on his bottom line. “Between the divorces, the silk robes, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo

17 Submitted by on Sat, 05 October 2013, 09:00
Buffalo, NY – In a surprising turn of events, WWE has decided that every match on their upcoming ‘Battleground’ pay-per-view will be canceled and replaced by a three-hour long promo by WWE COO Triple H. Triple H dropped the bombshell news during an otherwise mundane press conference promoting the event. “We looked at the card and some serious consideration, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Knockouts Division Now Just Gail Kim, ODB, And A Sack Of Flour

13 Submitted by on Mon, 30 September 2013, 08:00
Tulsa, OK – Another round of roster cuts have once again reduced the number of wrestlers in TNA. The Knockouts division has become particularly depleted, leaving only Gail Kim, Knockouts champion ODB, and a sack of flour. While having very little television time, the sack of flour has been with the company for several years serving as both a road Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Celebrates the “Running Of The Mantaur”

13 Submitted by on Wed, 25 September 2013, 08:00
Omaha, NE – At a house show this past weekend, WWE celebrated their annual “Running Of The Mantaur” backstage, pitting their Superstars against a charging Mantaur. Wrestlers ran throughout the a sectioned-off part of the CenturyLink Center as Mantaur, wearing his iconic gigantic bison head, chased after them. Several brave wrestlers got close enough to taunt and hit Mantaur with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miz’s Dad Watches Son Get Pummeled, Wins Father of the Year for Not Stopping It

14 Submitted by on Tue, 17 September 2013, 08:00
Cleveland, OH – After watching his son receive vicious beatdown on Raw at the hands of Randy Orton, George Mizanin was awarded the 73rd annual “Father Of The Year” award from the Father’s Day Council. A small ceremony was held at the Cleveland Hilton Conference Room C. Council chairman Dan Orweig was on-hand to present the Miz’s father with a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” T-shirts Not Selling As Well As Expected

4 Submitted by on Sat, 14 September 2013, 12:00
Nashville, TN – Despite being available for several months online and being sold at every live event, sales of TNA’s “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” t-shirts have been very disappointing. During a company-wide meeting, sort-of TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter addressed the situation. “I don’t understand the problem,” said a bewildered Dixie. “We put on a great product every Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Twitter Personality Jim Ross Retires

9 Submitted by on Wed, 11 September 2013, 16:19
  Norman, OK – Internet personality Jim Ross announced Wednesday that, after a long and extensive run in the business of tweeting, he will be retiring from Twitter, effective immediately. Ross, 61, has become known among the younger generation as an ardent user of the social media site Twitter. Ross, known to fans as, “Good Ol’ JR”, mostly for the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miss Marietta Lively To Debut On Monday Night Raw

10 Submitted by on Mon, 09 September 2013, 08:00
Toronto, ON – Miss Marietta Lively, a new female wrestler, will make her in ring debut tonight at Monday Night Raw. “The WWE is proud to have Miss Marietta Lively on our roster, especially after the firing of Cody Rhodes last week,” said Triple H. “You know, I don’t actually know all that much about her. As Executive Vice President Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H To Release Album Of Disney Classics

7 Submitted by on Mon, 02 September 2013, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Following his stirring rendition of “When You Wish Upon A Star” from the classic “Pinocchio” WWE has decided to release an entire album of Triple H singing Disney songs. “I was just feeling it on Raw, you know?” said Triple H inside the recording studio. “Sometimes when you can’t find the correct words to say, you just Continue Reading...
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Headlies: No One In The Back Wants To Help CM Punk

4 Submitted by on Tue, 27 August 2013, 19:00
Phoenix, AZ – During a vicious beatdown at the hands of Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel, it became abundantly clear that no one in the back wants to help CM Punk. As the assault on the handcuffed CM Punk continued on live television for several agonizing minutes, no one from the locker room deemed it necessary to come out and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Daniel Bryan Changes His Catchphrase to ‘Maybe!’

6 Submitted by on Mon, 26 August 2013, 08:00
Aberdeen, WA – WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan has changed his definitive catchphrase of “Yes!” to a more neutral chant of “Maybe!” Following the loss of the WWE Championship to Randy Orton mere seconds after defeating John Cena, the volatile Bryan has gone into a mode of self-reflection and introspection. “Despite my years of dominating on the independent scene, I’ve come Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Miz Revealed to be Lovecraftian Old God

9 Submitted by on Mon, 19 August 2013, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – In a shocking turn of events, WWE Superstar The Miz, was revealed to be a blasphemous “Old One”, an ancient and extremely powerful supernatural entity from beyond the stars. Following an exciting main event featuring WWE Champion John Cena and Daniel Bryan, The Miz, who was serving as the host of Summerslam, stood in the middle Continue Reading...
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