Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Dixie Carter Is Ready For 2017, Dang It

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 January 2017, 08:00

Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter stumbled out of bed and slowly made her way to the kitchen. Still hungover from her New Years Eve celebration, Carter knew she desperately needed something to eat to keep the room from spinning. After downing several Jell-O pudding cups, and avoiding several passed-out party goers, Carter flopped down on her leather couch Continue Reading...

Headlies: Dudley Boyz Have Their Bar Mitzvah, Become Dudley Men

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 December 2016, 08:00

Brooklyn, NY – World Famous tag team The Dudley Boyz officially changed their name to The Dudley Men following their bar mitzvahs this past Saturday. The former WWE, ECW, and TNA tag team read from the Torah at Temple Beth Israel in Brooklyn, signifying their ascent into manhood. The ceremony, which was presided over by Rabbi David Shulman, was many Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Announces Return Of “Bash At The Beach” At Martha’s Vineyard

13 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 December 2016, 08:00

(Today’s Headlie was written by Chris French. Thanks Chris!) Stamford, CT — WWE will be restarting an old WCW tradition, the “Bash At The Beach”, in 2017, Vince McMahon announced today. The 2017 Bash will be held on Martha’s Vineyard, at the Joseph Sylvia State Beach in Edgartown, MA, on July 2, 2017. Standing outside the Edgartown, MA, Town Hall, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Raw Women’s Championship Replaced With Literal Hot Potato

15 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 December 2016, 08:00

Austin, TX – After numerous Raw Women’s Championship changes over the past few months, Raw commissioner Stephanie McMahon and Raw general manager Mick Foley unveiled a new tile belt: a literal hot potato. McMahon addressed the stunned crowd saying “We’ve listened to you, the WWE Universe. Actually, I was busy playing Candy Crush on my phone, so I was only Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Slaters Celebrate Thanksgiving

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 November 2016, 08:00

Pineville, WV – As the sun began to set over Noble’s Trailer Park, the Slater Clan gather ’round their supper table to enjoy their Thanksgiving meal. Current WWE Smackdown Tag Team champion Heath Slater proudly sat at the head of the wobbly card table, looking over his kin. “As your proud Papa, I just want to thank ya’ll for being Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Undertaker Finally Listens to “Rolling” by Limp Bizkit

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 November 2016, 08:00

Death Valley, CA – WWE legend The Undertaker finally listened to the song “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” by Limp Bizkit and did not like what he heard. Following the his return on the 900th episode of Smackdown, The Undertaker was riding a wave of nostalgia. After watching several of his Smackdown matches on the WWE Network, Undertaker came to the Continue Reading...

HEADLIES: Triple H Vows to Defend WWE’s Honor Against ‘Vigilante’ Goldberg

5 Submitted by Justin Henry on Sun, 20 November 2016, 23:10

TORONTO – Irate over how easily the near-fifty-year-old Bill Goldberg mowed down relentless killing machine Brock Lesnar at the Survivor Series pay-per-view, WWE Chief Operating Officer Triple H is calling out the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion. “This has happened before,” seethed Triple H in an exclusive interview. “Some WCW has-been that has spent the previous decade-plus in seclusion Continue Reading...

Headlies: Mattel Debuts Rock’em Sock’em Wrestlers Game

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 November 2016, 08:00

El Segundo, CA – World-famous toy manufacturer Mattel announced today that they have joined forces with the WWE to create a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots game starring WWE wrestlers. In a conference call with investors, Mattel CEO Christopher A. Sinclair said of the partnership, “WWE and Mattel have a long history of creating fun for children and horrible annoyances Continue Reading...

Headlies: Jack Tunney Expected to Carry Parts Unknown in Landslide

15 Submitted by Justin Henry on Tue, 08 November 2016, 19:32

It’s a landslide! For the ninth Presidential election in a row, incumbent Jack Tunney is expected to win re-election by a hefty amount. To the surprise of no one, Tunney is expected to carry Parts Unknown with the near unanimity of the vote. The sovereignty has consistently voted Tunney since his first appearance on the ballot in 1984, and the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Car Used For WWE’s England Shows Suspended For 30 Days

4 Submitted by Justin Henry on Mon, 07 November 2016, 12:28

STAMFORD, Conn – WWE has suspended Malcolm Von Steuben (Real name of the car used as setpiece for WWE’s shows in England) for 30 days effective immediately, for his first violation of the company’s talent wellness policy....

Headlies: Broken Matt Hardy Accidentally Deletes Billy Corgan

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 November 2016, 08:00

Cameron, NC – Ousted TNA official Billy Corgan secretly met with TNA wrestler Matt Hardy at his palatial estate in North Carolina to plot a coup against Dixie Carter. “Dearest Billiam, thank you for coming to the Hardy Compound and Kid-teractive Funasium,” said Hardy. “I trust the guard drones did not give you a problem? Would you like a Fresca Continue Reading...

Headlies: The McMahons Go Trick Or Treating

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 October 2016, 08:00

Greenwich, CT – Before Monday Night Raw, the McMahon family embarked on their annual trick or treating trip through the posh neighborhoods of Greenwich, Connecticut. WWE CEO Vince McMahon, who was dressed as a sheriff, led his family on their quest for free candy. “It’s all about the Paydays!” he barked in his typical gravelly voice. “It’s also about Whatchamacallits Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Network Acquires CZW Library, Announces Premium Subscription Tier

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Wed, 26 October 2016, 12:00

This Headlie was written by crapper Paul Sebert. Thanks Paul! Stanford, CT – Facing new streaming competition from Flo Slam, New Japan World, Highspots, and Chikaratopia, the WWE has taken a proactive approach to adding new content to the WWE Network. Yesterday, a landmark video streaming deal was struck between the WWE and Philadelphia-based independent promotion CZW. “We’ve listened to the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Everything Is Totally Fine At TNA

13 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 October 2016, 08:00

Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter has assured fans that everything it totally, 100% fine. From her corner office in the back of a nearly empty warehouse now known as TNA Impact Wrestling World Headquarters, Carter took the time out of her busy schedule to assuage any concerns that TNA fans might have as to the future of the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Pre-Show Andre the Giant Battle Royal to Take Place Atop Hell in a Cell

4 Submitted by Justin Henry on Sat, 22 October 2016, 13:49

BOSTON – With three championship bouts taking place inside the Hell in a Cell cage for WWE’s namesake pay-per-view, the promotion is upping the ante of gut-turning peril by adding a pre-show Hell in a Cell match that will double as an Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Plans are for twenty Raw-brand performers to ascend the sixteen-foot-high structure before the actual pay-per-view Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Unveils More Tiered Pricing Plans For The Network

12 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 October 2016, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials have unveiled a slew of new pricing plan tiers for the WWE Network. After plans were leaked online, the company moved quickly forward in hopes of garnering more attention. The list appeared on WWE.com along with a statement from Vince McMahon saying, “We hope to bring even more specialized entertainment to the ever-growing WWE Universe. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Only 21% of WWE Network Revenue Goes Toward Curing Raw’s Dullness

8 Submitted by Justin Henry on Mon, 10 October 2016, 14:42

While WWE Network has been a godsend for wrestling fans of all ages that enjoy the sort of tailored viewing experience that a vast on-demand library can provide, a recent revelation shows that the money given by said fans isn’t going to the right places. A new study conducted by the Institute of Deflecting Raw’s Ratings Woes Away From Characters We Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Officials Beg Vince McMahon Not To Do A Columbus Day Skit

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 October 2016, 08:00

Oakland, CA – Tensions ran high during the pre-Raw creative meeting as WWE CEO Vince McMahon insisted on the show including a skit about Columbus Day. “I don’t see what the problem is,” said a frustrated McMahon. “Whenever Raw falls on a holiday, we do a holiday-related skit. Remember on Halloween, we have the women dress up in their favorite Continue Reading...

Headlies: Goldberg Hopes to Learn Plenty During Upcoming NXT Run

6 Submitted by Justin Henry on Sat, 08 October 2016, 13:57

Speculation has run rampant regarding former two-time wrestling World Champion Bill Goldberg. The 49-year-old heavyweight grappler hasn’t taken part in a wrestling match in over twelve years, but recent talks with WWE through video game conglomerate 2K Sports have Goldberg closer than ever to re-donning the tights. If a deal with WWE is officially hammered out, Goldberg will follow the path Continue Reading...

Headlies: Officials Warn of Phony Doink Sightings at Independent Shows

11 Submitted by Justin Henry on Mon, 03 October 2016, 16:47

Public officials across the United States have begun warning local residents about the uptick in Doink the Clown impostors inhabiting the independent wrestling scene. On the weekend of Saturday, October 1 alone, an estimated 37 individuals across the country elected to ply their trade as ‘Doink the Clown’, a popular wrestling character from the World Wrestling Federation in the 1990s, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Brian Kendrick Wants To Show You A Body He Found In The Woods

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 October 2016, 08:00

Mill Valley, CA – WWE Superstar Brian Kendrick wants to show you something cool that he found in the woods. You both skip Chemistry class and head out into the woods behind the baseball field. “Dude, it’s going to blow your mind!” says Kendrick as you walk deeper and deeper in the woods. Kendrick has always been a little different, Continue Reading...

Headlies: TNA Sold To A Giant Chicken

21 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Wed, 28 September 2016, 03:01

Today’s Headlie was written by Crapper Paul Sebert. Thanks, Paul! Nashville, TN – Following failed bids by Aroluxe Marketing, Billy Corgan, and Virgil TNA announced it’s new financial backer at a press conference on Wednesday. Dixie Carter appeared at a joint press conference with a representative from a new investment firm called “Boo Industries.” “It is with great confidence Continue Reading...

Headlies: Randy Orton Puts Himself In A Headlock To Speed Up His Recovery

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 September 2016, 08:00

St. Louis, MO – An injured Randy Orton has discovered a new way to help speed up his recovery time and return to the ring sooner than expected. Orton has been out of action ever since suffering a concussion at the hands of Brock Lesnar at Backlash. The road to recovery has been long and arduous for the Viper. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kane Sues Finn Balor for “Demon” Infringement

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 September 2016, 08:00

Dover, DE – The trial of the century began today in a Deleware courthouse as WWE Superstar and Director of Operations Kane sues former WWE Universal Champion Finn Balor for gimmick, copyright, and “Demon” infringement. The scene was tense inside of the court house as Kane, who was representing himself, addressed the court. He looked at Balor, then at the judge, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Eva Marie Rojo vs. Eva Marie Negro At Clash Of Champions

14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 September 2016, 08:00

Baltimore, MD – An epic battle has been set for next month’s Clash of Champions Pay-Per-View as Eva Marie with red hair will take on Eva Marie with black hair. The feud began, naturally, on Eva Marie’s Instagram page. Two weeks ago, pictures began to surface showing Eva Marie with black hair. On Twitter, Eva Marie had stated that someone Continue Reading...

Headlies: Triple H Interferes In The National Spelling Bee

10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 September 2016, 08:00

Washington, DC – This past weekend’s National Spelling Bee had a shocking finish when WWE COO and former champion Triple H interfered, costing little Emily Cohen the championship. After several intense hours of spelling, the competition had whittled down to the final two: 12 year-old Emily Cohen from Toms River, New Jersey and 11 year-old Reyansh Sachdeva of Boston, Massachusetts. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Suspends Literally Everyone For 30 Days

11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 August 2016, 08:00

Stamford, CT – After several high profile suspensions, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has declared that literally everyone on planet Earth has been suspended for 30 days. Many within the company have been of edge ever since the suspensions for stars like Alberto Del Rio and Paige were announced. Their fears were realized when an incensed McMahon rampaged through the backstage Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Realizes Lifelong Dream By Ruining Monday Night Raw

10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 August 2016, 08:00

Brooklyn, NY – Diehard WWE fan Vinny “DJ V-Card” Accardo achieved his lifelong dream on Monday night by jumping into a WWE ring and completely ruining the entire show. The intrusion occurred during a passionate Seth Rollins promo at the top of the hour. Following his intense battle with Finn Balor at last night’s Summerslam, Rollins expressed his genuine feelings Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE To Release 2K17: Creative Edition Video Game

20 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 August 2016, 08:00

Novato, CA – WWE surprised gaming fans this week with the announcement of a new game, WWE 2K17: Creative Edition. Whereas previous edition of the 2K games put fans in the ring, this game will put fans behind the scenes “Now wrestling fans will finally get to become a part of the creative process,” said Vince McMahon in a statement. Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Club Get Their Own Clubhouse

14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 August 2016, 08:00

Cincinnati, OH – Now that they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with in the WWE, The Club have decided it is time to open an official clubhouse. “We’re here and we’re here to stay,” said Luke Gallows from inside the clubhouse. “Everyone is going to be totally jealous of The Club Clubhouse. Karl’s dad is like Continue Reading...