Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: King Woods To Marry Princess Peach In Royal Wedding

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 October 2021, 08:00

Mushroom Kingdom – Following his coronation on last week’s Smackdown, King Xaxier Woods announced he plans to wed Princess Peach next week. Woods recently won the King Of The Ring tournament in Saudi Arabia through sheer determination, grit, and a vocal fanbase on Twitter. With a crown atop his head and royal scepter in hand, Woods declared his everlasting love Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Torrenting All Their New Dream Matches

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 October 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Late last night, All Elite Wrestling announced several “dream” matches and quickly uploaded them to several well-known torrent websites. The unique campaign follows the company’s recent move to have Bryan Danielson face Minoru Suzuki in a match shown on Youtube. While the general consensus among fans was overwhelmingly positive, many questioned the reasoning behind the logistics. Industry Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Upsets Everyone With Chief Jay Strongbow Statue

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 October 2021, 08:00

Pawhuska, OK – Controversy arose this morning as WWE dedicated a statue to former star Chief Jay Strongbow. The move has upset Native activists, Italian-Americans advocates, and wrestling fans alike. A star in the WWWF, Chief Jay Strongbow was known for his colorful war bonnet and “tomahawk” chops. While not the most proficient mat technician, Strongbow was most famous for Continue Reading...

Headlies: Arn Anderson’s “Glock” Edited Out Of Dynamite Promo

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 October 2021, 08:00

Rochester, NY – Wrestling legend Arn Anderson’s much-talked about promo on last week’s Dynamite has been edited for content. During the promo, the former NWA and WWF champion told Cody Rhodes with a scenario involving an armed robber and self-defense. Shaping his hand like a gun, Anderson pointed it to Rhodes’s head, saying, “I’d pull out the Glock, put it Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bryan Danielson And Kenny Omega Engage In Epic “Who’s On First” Confrontation At Grand Slam

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 September 2021, 08:00

Queens, NY – Fans witnessed an instant classic at last week’s Grand Slam as newcomer Brian Danielson met AEW champion Kenny Omega. Both wrestlers entered the ring as the stadium lights dimmed. A spotlight focused on the two mat masters. Danielson sported an old-timey St. Louis Wolves baseball uniform while Omega held a baseball bat. The audience sat in enraptured Continue Reading...

Headlies: New NXT Set Encourages Kids To Try This At Home

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 September 2021, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Further changes have been made to NXT this week featuring a new, more colorful, kid-friendly set. Among the additions are a full-sized jungle gym, a slide, and a ball pit. “The old NXT was too dark, too dingy,” explained WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “I moved sports entertainment out of the smoke-filled bingo halls in the 80’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: Gable Steveson To Fight Chad Gable For Use Of The Name Gable

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 September 2021, 08:00

Minneapolis, MN – WWE’s latest signing, Olympic hero Gable Steveson has already issued his first challenge to none other that WWE star Chad Gable. Steveson, a collegiate star who won gold at the Tokyo Olympics this summer, is a blue-chip prospect. WWE is doing everything they can to keep him happy, including a Name, Image, and Likeness deal. Part of Continue Reading...

Headlies: Young Bucks, Lucha Brothers Match Changes Earth’s Rotation

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 September 2021, 08:00

Hoffman Estates, IL – AEW’s tag team title match at All Out between the Young Bucks and Lucha Brothers was so action packed that it literally changed the world. Scientists have determined that the fast pace of the match, combined with the excessive amounts of flips and twists, actually caused Earth’s rotation to change. The energetic tag team cage match Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Creative Has Lots Of Ideas For Karrion Kross

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 August 2021, 08:00

Boston, MA – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has revealed the Creative has lots of ideas for their latest call-up, Karrion Kross. Since being called up to the main roster, Kross has been without his valet Scarlett and lost to Jeff Hardy, Last week, Kross began wearing a mask and warrior outfit, drawing comparisons to The Sultan and Farooq Asaad. According Continue Reading...

Headlies: Legendary Chicago Wrestler Debuts On Rampage

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 August 2021, 08:00

Chicago, IL – After weeks of gossip, hearsay, and rumors, legendary Chicago wrestler One Man Gang made his debut on AEW: Rampage. The live crowd, already buzzing in anticipation, roared with excitement when the familiar notes of Living Colour’s “Cult Of Personality” began playing. The moment they have been waiting years for had finally come true. After years of retirement, Continue Reading...

Headlies: The 5th Labor Of Jericho: Don’t Embarrass Yourself

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 August 2021, 08:00

Odessa, FL – This week, AEW star MJF unleashed his most daunting task for rival Chris Jericho to endure: Don’t embarrass yourself for a full 24 hours. Over the past few weeks, Jericho has had to endure the “Labors Of Jericho” set by MJF. After taking on Shawn Spears, Nick Gage, Juventud Guerrara, and Wardlow, MJF revealed the dastardly plot. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Tony Khan Still Trying To Edit This Week’s ‘Dark’ Episode

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 August 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – AEW boss Tony Khan has been working into the late hours, frantically trying to edit this week’s episode of AEW: Dark. Khan volunteered himself to edit the Youtube show this week after a large public outcry followed a disgustingly inappropriate rap from Max Caster. Unfortunately for Khan, the task has taken longer than expected. “I never wanted Continue Reading...

Headlies: New Vince McMahon Series Receives NC-17 Rating

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 August 2021, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – In an unprecedented move, the Motion Picture Association of America has preemptively given the upcoming Vince McMahon scripted series an NC-17 rating. The unprecedented decision has sent shockwaves throughout the wrestling and entertainment world. While still in early development The United States Of America Vs. Vince McMahon has garnered a significant amount of attention from the entertainment Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nick Gage Defeats Chris Jericho In A Dance Competition

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 July 2021, 08:00

Charlotte, NC – Deathmatch legends Nick Gage defeated Chris Jericho in a dazzling, if not unexpected, fashion this weekend. Instead of pitting the two in combat, AEW star MJF harkened back to his infamous dance routine with Jericho to inflict maximum pain. What Jericho and the world did not know was that the GCW star is a world-class dancer. Gage, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Excited To Finally Boo WWE In Person

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 July 2021, 08:00

Fort Worth, TX – WWE fans were elated to finally see WWE events live this weekend and boo the product vociferously. Following over a year of pandemic protocols, WWE has opened its doors to the general public for live events. After enduring cinematic matches, arson, zombie attacks, and magic, fans now have the chance to see their favorite WWE Superstars Continue Reading...

Headlies: Malaki Black Begins Eliminating Older AEW Wrestlers

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 July 2021, 08:00

Gatlin, NE – Newcomer Malaki Black has begun culling All Elite Wrestling’s older roster members in a devious and slightly cultish plot. After his vicious attack against Arn Anderson, the enigmatic Black systematically dismantled Tully Blanchard, Konnan, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. No older members of the roster have escaped Black’s grasp. On a cross-country trip to promote a new Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest Plagued With Injuries

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 July 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Tragedy struck All Elite Wrestling’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest this Fourth of July as a number of injuries ruined the event. The mandatory fun-filled day in the sun was devised by AEW CEO Tony Khan in hopes of building community and spreading cheer. It was also a good excuse to finish the surplus food from Continue Reading...

Headlies: King Nakamura Throws Baron Corbin In The Tower Of London

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 June 2021, 08:00

London, UK – Newly crowned King Shinsuke Nakamura enacted his first ruling as WWE King by throwing Baron Corbin into the Tower of London. By royal decree, and in agreement with the British government in exchange for a trio of WWE shows on their soil, Corbin was dragged extradited from the United States. Forced onto a plane and surrounded by Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cameron Grimes Launches New “Grimes Dimes” Cryptocurrency

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 June 2021, 08:00

Miami, FL – Following in AEW wrestler MJF’s footsteps, NXT star Cameron Grimes has started his own cryptocurrency. “I heard this thing on the internet about some sort of Crypt Keeper currency and knew I had to get in on that,” said Grimes aboard his yacht. “You ever see that Crypt Keeper, fella? Man, he is one spooky scary skeleton. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Even Chucky Thinks Alexa Bliss’s Doll Lilly Is Ridiculous

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 June 2021, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – Killer doll and former WCW alumni Chucky spoke out recently condemning Alexa Bliss’s magical doll Lilly. The serial killer-possessed “Good Guy” doll expressed his disgust in a Youtube video from his Power Wheels. “We may be magical, killer dolls, but we have our dignity,” said Chucky. “Hollywood has a long history with murderous marionettes. Whether it’s Annabelle, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Braun Strowman Trains To Become A Train

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 June 2021, 08:00

Boston, MA – Following his release, former WWE Superstar Braun Strowman has found a new passion and has committed himself to becoming an actual train. The recently-fired wrestler appeared early this morning at the Amtrak Southampton Rail Yard. Stunned onlookers gawked as the former Universal Champion ran up and down the tracks. Crowds gasped as the strongman pulled cars full Continue Reading...

Headlies: Gross Noise Machine Announced As Lead Raw Announcer

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 May 2021, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials revealed over the weekend that a noise making device will now be the lead announcer of Monday Night Raw. Following the firings of Adnan Virk and Tom Phillips, WWE CEO Vince McMahon quickly filled the void with his hand-picked choice. The machine, purchased by McMahon after receiving a billion dollars from NBC, emanates various bodily Continue Reading...

Headlies: Zombies Give The Miz 1-Star On Yelp

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 May 2021, 08:00

Tampa, FL- The zombie lumberjacks that ate WWE Superstar The Miz at Backlash last week have given the wrestler a less-than-awesome review. Disappointed ghouls flooded the business-reviewing website Yelp.com with 1-star reviews following the devouring of the former WWE champion. Many complained of poor taste, bad service, and unpleasant ambiance. “Too much hair gel,” groaned one review. “Terrible service. Struggled Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Issues New Blade Rule

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 May 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – After enduring some harsh criticism for their Blood & Guts match, All Elite Wrestling officials have unveiled new blade safety rules. “We understand the concern of the fans,” said AEW CEO Tony Khan. “AEW wants to put on the best wrestling program while still remaining safe. It’s time we moved away from the archaic and barbaric use Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Dynamite Presents: Tetanus & Hepatitis

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 May 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – On this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, members of the Inner Circle and The Pinnacle will be given tetanus shots and antiviral medication as a direct result of participating in the ‘Blood & Guts’ match. “We value realism in AEW so naturally ‘Tetanus & Hepatitis’ would follow up the Blood & Guts,” explained Tony Khan. “We’re going Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Dark Order Unveil Their New Tour Bus

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 May 2021, 08:00

Roach Branch, FL – All Elite Wrestling stable The Dark Order revealed their new tour bus in a ribbon-cutting ceremony earlier today. Gathered behind a Casey’s General Store, The Dark Order unveiled their previously owned 1972 Winnebago. The dust-covered recreational vehicle has over 400,000 miles, squeaky brakes, and a leaking radiator. Many questioned while the stable purchased such a vehicle. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Garbage Bag Full Of Billie Kay’s Personal Items Sent To Wrong Address

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 April 2021, 08:00

Sydney, FL – A garbage bag full of former WWE Superstar Billie Kay’s personal belongings was accidentally sent to a Sydney, Florida resident late last week. WWE recently came under fire after former wrestler Mickie James posted on social media about the billion-dollar company sending her personal items in a garbage bag. It appears that the same uncouth tactic was Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kevin Owens Awarded The Presidential Medal Of Freedom For Stunning Logan Paul

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 April 2021, 08:00

Washington, DC – WWE Superstar Kevin Owens was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom this weekend in a ceremony at the White House. Officials noted Owens’ Stunner on Youtuber Logan Paul as the main reason for receiving the highest civilian award of the United States. Paul, most famous for being a ghoulish jerk and having an extremely punchable face, appeared Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Thrilled To Have Missed Wrestlemania

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 April 2021, 08:00

Tuscaloosa, AL – Lifetime WWE fan Ronald Van Der Plunk was relieved to wake up Monday morning with the realization that he had completely missed Wrestlemania. Morning sunlight filled Van Der Plunk’s bedroom with a buttery glow. Birds happily chirped outside of his window as a gentle breeze roused him from his slumber. A warm sense of satisfaction filled his Continue Reading...

Headlies: Midnight Rose And Stubby Open An Illegal Casino In Paradise

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 April 2021, 08:00

Topeka, KS – Wrestling legend Midnight Rose and lovable ragamuffin Stubby stumbled through the pearly gates. They shielded their eyes from the bright lights and surveyed the land. “Wow, look at this place, man,” said Midnight Rose. “Real swanky. Everything’s so clean and smells really nice. Can you believe the guy up front didn’t even check our IDs?” “Tell Continue Reading...