Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Eric Rowan’s Beard A Surprise Entrant In The Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by on Mon, 25 January 2016, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Out of all the surprise entrants in last night’s Royal Rumble match, none were more surprising than Eric Rowan’s beard. The now-sentient beard entered the Rumble to a mixture of stunned silence and muted horror, quietly swishing back and forth down the aisle. The confused look on wrestlers’ faces showed that the beard’s appearance was not common knowledge Continue Reading...
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Headlies: James Storm Now Allowed To Grab Whatever He Wants Out Of The TNA Merch Closet

12 Submitted by on Mon, 18 January 2016, 08:00
Nashville, TN – James Storm’s return to TNA shocked the internet as many believed that his appearances at NXT events would lead to a full-time contract. Details have begun to emerge from Storm’s new contract with TNA including the surprising clause that was the difference maker in his decision. “It all comes down to numbers and being able to feed Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Nailz Reconnects With Vince McMahon In Prison

5 Submitted by on Mon, 11 January 2016, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – During his brief stay at a Brooklyn jail, WWE CEO Vince McMahon reconnected with a former employee that he has not seen in almost twenty years. McMahon, who was initially placed under arrest for assaulting an NYPD police officer, was placed into a holding cell with other arrestees. Acknowledging the unspoken rules of prison life, McMahon understood Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Young Bucks Host “Ringside With Jim Ross”

8 Submitted by on Mon, 04 January 2016, 08:00
San Antonio, TX – Beloved wrestling legend Jim Ross’s seminar this past weekend at the Alamo City Music Hall in San Antonio fell into chaos after an altercation with the event’s hosts, The Young Bucks The Young Bucks, a popular independent wrestling tag team consisting of brothers Matt and Nick, were greeted by the raucous crowd of mostly twenty-somethings with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wife Leaves Husband For Messing Up Enzo & Cass Catchphrase

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 December 2015, 08:00
Brattleboro, VT – Diehard NXT fan Emily Walker-Tynes has decided to end her marriage with her husband Roland following his failure to accurately repeat Enzo Amore and Big Cass’s catchphrase. “After 17 years of marriage, this was the final straw,” said an irate Emily, packing up her WWE replica title belts. “You think you know someone and they just do Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dixie Carter Gives Santa Her Wishlist

6 Submitted by on Mon, 21 December 2015, 08:00
Dallas, TX – On December 20th, TNA President Dixie Carter went to the Galleria Dallas to meet her hero Santa Claus and give him her wishlist. A determined Carter power-walked through the mall, forgoing stops at her favorite stores Forever 21, Godiva, and Spencer’s Gifts to reach Santa. Unphased by the long line, Dixie shoved her way through the crowd Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TLC Inspires Fandango To Change His Character

6 Submitted by on Mon, 14 December 2015, 08:00
Boston, MA – Following the events of last night’s TLC, WWE Superstar Fandango has decided that he should change his character from a dancer to a table. Fandango, whose popularity peaked at the Raw after Wrestlemania 29, has fallen out of favor with the fans and has languished at the bottom of the card. Watching the TLC pay-per-view at home Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Declining WWE Ratings Tied To Lack Of Mike Adamle

12 Submitted by on Mon, 07 December 2015, 08:00
Hartford, CT – After several months, $2.3 million spent on research, and countless work-hours, WWE has discovered that their currently decline in ratings can be directly tied to the lack of Mike Adamle on their shows. Adamle, who once served as an interview, announcer and as Raw GM, was let go by the company in 2008. The ramifications of that firing Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Irate Fans Swear They’ll Only Buy A Few Shirts From WWE’s Website

10 Submitted by on Mon, 30 November 2015, 08:00
Henderson, NV – Diehard wrestling fans Colby Cooper and Bryson St. James have vowed that despite totally and utterly hating everything WWE has done in the past year, they will only buy a small amount of shirts off of the WWE website. The college sophomores scanned the Shop WWE website in hopes of finding good deals for just a few Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Wyatts Go Shopping

16 Submitted by on Mon, 16 November 2015, 08:00
Possum Bluff, FL –This past weekend, the Wyatt family ventured from their backwoods compound To prepare for their battle against Undertaker and Kane at Survivor Series. Luke Harper, Eric Rowan, and Braun Strowman climbed into Bray Wyatt’s 1998 Dodge Caravan. “Don’t forget to buckle your seats, boys,” said Bray, adjusting his rearview mirror. All three silently complied as Harper turned Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Remembers November 9, 1997 as “Steve Blackman Debut Day”

11 Submitted by on Mon, 09 November 2015, 19:02
STAMFORD – Looking to commemorate a landmark day in World Wrestling Entertainment history, WWE officials have declared November 9 “Steve Blackman Debut Day”, recognizing his pay-per-debut at the 1997 Survivor Series. Blackman, 52, was unable to attend the festivities and unable to comment on the honor, but a WWE representative spoke on the matter, citing Blackman’s five minutes of involvement Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Seth Rollins’s Knee Joins The Authority

6 Submitted by on Mon, 09 November 2015, 08:00
Manchester, England – In a surprising turn of events, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have announced that the newest member of The Authority is none other than Seth Rollins’s knee. At a house show this past week in Dublin, Ireland, WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins torn his right ACL, MCL, and medial meniscus. The injury, initially believed to be Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ron Reis Still Stuck In His Yeti Costume

6 Submitted by on Mon, 02 November 2015, 08:00
Cummings, GA – Former WCW wrestler Ron Reis, re-donned The Yeti costume for a Halloween party and has been unable to remove it for over a week. Reis, who also performed under the name “Reese” and “Big Ron Studd”, is best known for his turn as The Yeti, which, despite it’s name, was a giant mummy. “I needed something to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Opens A Haunted House

13 Submitted by on Mon, 26 October 2015, 08:00
Armonk, NY– WWE announced their latest venture outside of professional wrestling with the grand opening of the official WWE Haunted House at the Armonk Halloween Spooktacular and Pie-Eating Contest. WWE CEO Vince McMahon was on hand at the opening of the haunted house. Dressed in pinstripes, McMahon barked at passers-by, saying “Step right up, folks! Step right up! See the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Terry Funk To Return In Roadhouse Remake

8 Submitted by on Mon, 19 October 2015, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Wrestling legend Terry Funk has signed on to appear in the remake of Roadhouse starring MMA star Rhonda Rousey. Funk, who appeared in the original 1989 cult classic starring Patrick Swayze, arrived on set early yesterday morning, despite the movie not being in production until 2016. After body-slamming the studio security guard through a catering table, Funk Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Full Sail University Flooded With Tears After Bayley-Sasha Match

5 Submitted by on Mon, 12 October 2015, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Full Sail University, home of NXT, is currently in dealing with a flood emergency as a result of record tears following the Bayley vs. Sasha Banks match. The historical match, which took place during NXT Takeover: Respect, had fan-favorite Bayley retaining her title against Banks in an 30-minute Iron Man Match. Emotions, running high throughout the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Just A Figment Of A Child’s Imagination

22 Submitted by on Mon, 05 October 2015, 08:00
Lusk, WY – TNA officials shocked the wrestling world last night by admitting that the company is, in fact, just a figment of a bored child’s imagination The revelation, came during an in-ring promotion from TNA president Dixie Carter at their annual Bound For Glory pay-per-view. Carter was addressing the crowd, talking about how the company was working on staying Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kane Meets With Human Resources

14 Submitted by on Mon, 28 September 2015, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Following the events of last Monday night in which he attacked WWE champion Seth Rollins, Corporate Kane met with several members of WWE’s Human Resources division. Kane, who just recently returned to work following an injury, sat at a long table, flanked by HR workers Katherine Buonano and Katherine Capatelli. The “Kathys” as they are known around Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Restaurant Opens

31 Submitted by on Mon, 21 September 2015, 08:00
Goodlettsville, TN – TNA officials announced the grand opening of their brand new theme restaurant this past weekend in Goodlettsville, just north of Nashville on Route 65. TNA president and on-air personality Dixie Carter greeted hungry customers to the company’s latest endeavor. “Welcome, ya’ll!” said Carter, in full waitress uniform. “Hope everyone brought their appetites!” The restaurant, designed in the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Reigns, Ambrose, and Rollins to recruit The Shield as private security force

7 Submitted by on Sun, 20 September 2015, 22:00
After repeated interference by fans at recent live events, WWE Superstars Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins have hired former WWE faction The Shield to serve as their personal ringside crowd control. The pattern of attacks by members of the WWE Universe began at a recent house show when a fan threw a replica Money in the Bank briefcase Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Superstars Recall Memories of “Superfly” Sivi Afi

8 Submitted by on Mon, 14 September 2015, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – WWE officials and Superstars from past and present recorded their thoughts and memories of former WWE legend “Superfly” Sivi Afi. Though not on the planned itinerary for video shoots, Vince McMahon quickly gathered as many people as possible to quickly produce the DVD. “I remember going to Madison Square Garden and watching that legendary steel cage match Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Paige Audited For Not Reporting Multiple Houses

5 Submitted by on Mon, 07 September 2015, 08:00
Baltimore, MD – Former WWE tag team champion Irwin R. Schyster made a surprise return on Monday to discuss the current tax problems of WWE Diva Paige. The incident occurred during a backstage interview with her fellow PCB teammates Charlotte and Becky Lynch. Paige had just begun to give a rousing speech about the Divas’ revolution when former WWE star Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Haku Wins Tough Enough

8 Submitted by on Mon, 31 August 2015, 08:00
Tampa, FL – WWE shocked the wrestling world by announcing the winner of Tough Enough was none other than former WWE and WCW wrestler Haku. The shocking announcement came during the live debut of this season’s contract winners Josh and Sara Lee. As Triple H and Stephanie McMahon praised both competitors, a ruckus came from the crowd. Haku, a former Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cena Fans Hijack NXT: Takeover

10 Submitted by on Mon, 24 August 2015, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY: In what has been labeled an “epic disaster” by WWE, irate John Cena fans ruined NXT: Takeover this past weekend in Brooklyn. The usually boisterous NXT crowd, known for their various chants and love of all things NXT, was nowhere to be found at the event. A rainbow of colored Cena shirts filled the crowd, replacing the usual Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Val Venis Returns To Manage The Submission Sorority

5 Submitted by on Mon, 10 August 2015, 08:00
  Las Vegas, NV – WWE officials announced today that they have rehired Attitude Era star Val Venis to manage the Submission Sorority. Venis joined WWE Divas Charlotte, Paige, and Becky Lynch, whose faction name was recently revealed to also belong to a pornographic website, at a press conference before Raw. “Heeeelllllllooooooo, Divas! ” said Venis, wearing only a towel. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Government Admits All Of Brian Kendrick’s Conspiracies True

2 Submitted by on Mon, 27 July 2015, 08:00
Washington, DC – In a stunning admission, President Obama admitted that every conspiracy theory believed by WWE trainer and wrestler Brian Kendrick is, in fact, true. Flanked by ranking members of the Armed Services and Pentagon officials, the President explained why the government was coming forward now. “My final term is coming up and I’m done being ‘No drama Obama’,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE’s Raid Of NXT Almost Complete

5 Submitted by on Mon, 20 July 2015, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Much like in the 1980’s, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has spent large amounts of time, effort, and money plucking the best wrestlers from NXT and bringing them to WWE. The raid of talent became most apparent this past Monday on Raw with the defection of NXT stars Charlotte, Sasha Banks, and Becky Lynch. According to the Continue Reading...
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