Columbus, OH – WWE dedicated this week’s edition of Friday Night Smackdown in Columbus, Ohio to the memory of former WWE Superstar JTG. A number of wrestlers were released last week in an event many have dubbed “Black Thursday”. While some of the releasing were expected, the loss of JTG hit many by surprise. A candlelight memorial was held in JTG’s Continue Reading...
Category Archives: Headlies
The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.
Headlies: WWE Finally Enforces Stipulation of Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy
5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 13 June 2014, 08:00Miami, FL – After years of oversight, WWE officials have finally enforced the stipulation from the match between Team Johnny and Team Teddy from Wrestlemania XXVIII. The match pitted members of both Raw and Smackdown, each representing their respective General Managers. Team Teddy, representing Teddy Long, consisted of Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali and Booker Continue Reading...
Headlies: Sheamus and Paige Open An Anti-Tanning Salon
11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 06 June 2014, 08:00Norwich, England – Current WWE US Champion Sheamus and WWE Divas Champion Paige have teamed together to open the world’s first “Anti-Tanning” Salon. When asked why the two wrestlers decided to open a business, Sheamus said, “Fella, we’ve all seen what happens to some people once they leave the business. Think of this as an investment. I don’t want to Continue Reading...
Headlies: Corey Graves To Debut At Payback, Name Changed To CG Punk
11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 30 May 2014, 08:00Winter Park, FL – Current NXT Superstar Corey Graves will be receiving the call up to the main WWE roster, making his debut this Sunday at the Payback pay-per-view in Chicago, Illinois. While the main essence of Graves’s NXT will remain the same, Triple H and WWE Creative has decided to make a few minor adjustments. The most noticeable is Continue Reading...
Headlies: J-Tex Corporation Buys Stake In WWE
10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 23 May 2014, 08:00Amarillo, TX – The J-Tex Corporation, also known as “Gary Hart International” announced today that they have purchased a stake in shares of World Wrestling Entertainment following the company’s catastrophic dive in the market last Friday. J-Tex Corporation was a WCW stable under the tutelage of the late Gary Hart that brought together wrestlers from both Texas and Japan. Hart’s Continue Reading...
Headlies: Fans Blame Batista For Daniel Bryan’s Injury
24 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 16 May 2014, 08:00Richmond, VA – WWE World Heavyweight champion Daniel Bryan shocked the wrestling world this past Monday by announcing on Raw that he had suffered a neck injury, requiring surgery. While no specific in-ring moment could be pinpointed as the cause of the injury, many wrestling fans immediately placed the blame on WWE Superstar Batista. “Bryan’s promo on Raw was a Continue Reading...
Headlies: Original Cena/Wyatt Ending To Involve Nikki Bella Proposing
12 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 09 May 2014, 08:00Scottsdale, AZ – The controversial ending to this past Sunday’s cage match between John Cena and Bray Wyatt was actually not the ending that had been planned. The finish, which involved a little boy singing to John Cena, causing him to be distracted, was thrown together after Cena nixed the original ending only minutes before Extreme Rules started. According to Continue Reading...
Headlies: Massive Search Party Underway To Find JoJo
20 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 02 May 2014, 08:00Toluca Lake, CA – WWE officials, superstars, and volunteers gathered in Toluca Lake, California to launch a large-scale search party to find missing Diva JoJo. “Listen up, ladies and gentle,” said Vince McMahon, his WWE windbreaker flapping in the breeze. “We have a missing Diva out there. She is 5 feet, 2 inches and probably wearing ugly stretch pants. She’s Continue Reading...
Headlies: The Authority Suspends The Shield, Asks For Their Weapons and Badges
7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 25 April 2014, 08:00Los Angeles, CA – Following the events of the past few weeks between The Shield and The Authority, Triple H called Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns into his office. “You three have gone too far this time!” shouted a red-faced Triple H, sweat dripping from his brow. “You know how much trouble you’ve caused? The damage to public Continue Reading...
Headlies: Vince Russo Unsure If He’s Working For TNA Again
5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 18 April 2014, 08:00Broomfield, CO – The current direction of various storylines in TNA have lead many to believe that former writer Vince Russo has secretly returned to the company, though Russo himself is unsure if that is true. “Bro, you know as much as I do,” said a shrugging Russo. “I stopped reading the dirt sheets a long time ago. I haven’t Continue Reading...
Headlies: Man Goes Bankrupt After Betting on Wrestlemania
15 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 11 April 2014, 08:00Silicon Valley, CA – Garret Dorsey, a 33 year-old app developer, officially declared bankruptcy following a series of poorly-made bets on the outcome of Wrestlemania matches. Dorsey, an avid wrestling fan and wearer of fedoras, had placed several high-wager bets through various gambling websites, each one a loser. After declaring bankruptcy, the bank foreclosed on Dorsey’s house and several companies Continue Reading...
Headlies: Diehard Fans Excited To Ruin Wrestlemania
8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Sun, 06 April 2014, 13:00New Orleans, LA – Members of the Facebook group “Yes! Yes! Yes!” are excited to be attending Wrestlemania XXX and even more excited to be ruining it for everyone else. The group of self-professed “smarks”, which boasts members spanning the entire United States, have been planning the event for months through phone calls, Google Hangouts, and Tout videos. Having collectively Continue Reading...
Headlies: JTG Hoping He’s Not Picked For The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 04 April 2014, 08:00Stamford, CT – WWE held a meeting with all mid and lower-card Superstars to determine who would be entering the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania XXX this Sunday. Corporate Kane led the meeting stating, “I know in previous years that battle royals and drafts have been held with some fanfare, but unfortunately, it’s just not in the Continue Reading...
Headlies: Val Venis Ready For Wrestlemania XXX
10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 28 March 2014, 08:00Wichita Falls, TX – Former WWE Superstar Val Venis has been traveling from Los Angeles to New Orleans under the assumption that he will be taking part in Wrestlemania XXX. “The Big Valbolski is locked, cocked, and ready to rock all the fine females in New Orleans,” said Venis as he hitchhiked to New Orleans down Route 82 in nothing Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE Stars Travel Around In A Van Solving Mysteries To Promote New Scooby Doo DVD
11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 21 March 2014, 08:00Salem, MA – To help promote this next week’s release of the Scooby-Doo!: Wrestlemania Mystery DVD, Vince McMahon has sent several WWE wrestlers around the country to solve various mysteries. The group of amateur sleuths consist of sparingly-used Superstars Justin Gabriel and Curt Hawkins and Divas Eva Marie and Layla. They have been traveling to various haunted spots in a Continue Reading...
Orlando, FL – At the most recent taping of Impact, TNA debuted the newly repackaged version of Gunner in grand fashion. Following a backstage skit involving ODB grabbing her unmentionables for some reason, the TNA crew came out onto the ramp and set up a small milk crate and a microphone stand. Katrina & The Waves “Walking On Sunshine” blared Continue Reading...
Headlies: Last Of The “Green Mist” Factories To Close
14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 07 March 2014, 08:00Sakai, Osaka Prefecture, Japan – Abunai! Industries, famous for producing the dreaded “Green Mist”, prepared to close their factory doors for the final time this week, effectively ending an era in Japanese wrestling. The “Green Mist” was a common illegal maneuver used in wrestling where one wrestler would spit the poison directly into the eyes of their opponent, leaving them Continue Reading...
Headlies: Fans Hold Candlelight Vigil For CM Punk
7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 March 2014, 19:00Chicago, IL – Hundreds of wrestling fans gathered outside the AllState Arena early this afternoon, holding a candlelight vigil for the missing CM Punk. The gathering was led by Punk’s best friend, independent wrestler and aspiring comedian Colt Cabana. “It’s so great to see so many of you here to support my friend, CM Punk, who has been off of Continue Reading...
Headlies: Fan Cancels Network Subscription After Learning “1 Night In China” Not Available
8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 28 February 2014, 08:00Oshkosh, WI – 24 year-old wrestling fan Danny Burnett has decided to cancel his subscription to the WWE Network after discovering that the streaming website would not be providing “1 Night in China”. The amateur pornographic film stars former WWE stars Joanie Laurer aka Chyna and Sean Waltman aka X-Pac aka 1-2-3 Kid aka Syxx aka Syxx-Pac aka The Lightning Continue Reading...
Headlies: TNA Launches The TNA Network
14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 21 February 2014, 08:00Huntingdon, WV – During the intermission of a house show on the West Virgina/Kentucky border, TNA President Dixie Carter revealed that the company would be launching their own network next Monday night. “Howdy, ya’ll!” said Carter to the half-full high school gymnasium. “We here at TNA are proud to announce the launching of the brand new TNA Network!” Carter then Continue Reading...
Headlies: Natalya Finally Breaks Up With The Great Khali
8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 14 February 2014, 08:00Calgary, Alberta, Canada – During an intimate Valentine’s Day dinner, WWE Diva Natalya finally broke up with her on-screen boyfriend, The Great Khali. The two superstars dined at Teatro Ristorante over a romantic candle-lit $90 per plate meal. They made small talk, but Khali noticed that Natalya seemed distant and distracted. When he gently inquired to what was bothering his Continue Reading...
HEADLIES: EDGE’S EX-WIFE RESPECTFULLY DECLINES INVITATION TO INDUCT LITA INTO WWE HALL OF FAME
7 Submitted by Justin Henry on Wed, 12 February 2014, 17:45 Tampa, FL – Lisa Ortiz, the second wife of WWE Hall of Famer Adam “Edge” Copeland, has respectfully declined an invitation to induct Amy “Lita” Dumas into the WWE Hall of Fame on WrestleMania weekend. Dumas, 38, will be the third modern-era “Diva”, after Tammy Sytch and Trish Stratus, to be inducted into the company’s Hall. Her career was Continue Reading...
Headlies: New WWE-inspired rules for Olympic announcers revealed
10 Submitted by Art0Donnell on Tue, 11 February 2014, 17:48Dick Ebersol, senior adviser for NBC’s Olympic coverage and long-time friend of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, has recently issued a memo outlining new rules for the Sochi 2014 announcers. The goal is to separate the Olympics as a genre distinct from “sports,” a term loaded with negative connotations of coarse players, rowdy fans, gambling, and sweat. Announcers are now to Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE Releases “The Self-Destruction of CM Punk” DVD
20 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 07 February 2014, 08:00Des Moines, IA – During this week’s edition of Smackdown, WWE announced that they are releasing a brand new DVD entitled “The Self-Destruction of CM Punk”. The release comes as a surprise as there had been no previous mentions of the DVD being written, filmed, produced, and shipped to stores. “I admit the turn-around was quick, but we here at Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE Unveils New Poster For Wrestlemania
17 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 31 January 2014, 08:00New Orleans, LA – During a press conference promoting Wrestlemania 30, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon revealed a brand new poster for the event. “I’d like to thank the members of the international press for joining us today,” said Triple H. “We saw an exciting Royal Rumble this past Sunday and we are now using that momentum to carry the Continue Reading...
HEADLIES: CM Punk Hoping to Fill The Rock’s Void by Coming Back as Overpaid Part-Timer
8 Submitted by Justin Henry on Wed, 29 January 2014, 04:19 CLEVELAND – Former WWE Champion CM Punk has informed Vince McMahon on Monday that he was walking away from the company, and Punk has since been written out of all foreseeable events. It has been learned that Punk is looking to come back for a “Dwayne Johnson type of deal” that would preclude him from performing at live events, Continue Reading...
HEADLIES: ZACK RYDER ALREADY ELIMINATED FROM 2014 ROYAL RUMBLE
8 Submitted by Justin Henry on Sat, 25 January 2014, 21:40 Pittsburgh – Even though the Royal Rumble match has not even officially started, and with it not even being Sunday the 26th in the United States, Zack Ryder has made Rumble history by being the first man to ever be eliminated before the match had even begun. The 28-year-old Long Island upstart has run into a teeming cauldron of Continue Reading...
Headlies: Sack Of Flour Jumps Ship And Joins WWE
25 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 24 January 2014, 08:00Pittsburgh, PA – In a stunning move harkening back to the cutthroat days of the “Monday Night Wars”, TNA’s most popular Knockout Sack Of Flour has left the company to join WWE. The surprise news was first broken by John Pollock on this week’s edition of Live Audio Wrestling. “I can’t reveal my sources, but I stand by them 100 Continue Reading...
Headlies: Mason Ryan Excited To Make His Return On Monday Night
14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 17 January 2014, 08:00Cardiff, Wales – WWE Superstar and former New Nexus member Mason Ryan has been preparing for his return to Raw this coming Monday. Inside his personal gym, Ryan expressed excitement over his return to Monday Night Raw. “It’s been a long time coming. Almost two years by my count,” said Ryan as he blasted his quads. “I know now that Continue Reading...
Headlies: Curtis Axel and Ryback Repackaged As ‘The New American Males’
17 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Fri, 10 January 2014, 08:00Philadelphia, PA – Prior to this week’s taping of Smackdown, Vince McMahon held a meeting with Curtis Axel and Ryback to discuss a repackaging of their characters. McMahon, flanked by Triple H called the floundering tag team into his office and laid out his idea. “Curtis. Ryback. We all know that things aren’t really working out for both of you,” Continue Reading...